January Resolutions

Although I have missed the "official" December 31st deadline to make my New Year's resolutions, I'm going to make some resolutions anyway. I'm typically not very good at keeping the "I resolve to lose weight, exercise more and keep my house clean" type of resolutions. Kudos to those of you who can! I just know that I'm setting myself up for failure, so I tend to take a slightly different approach to resolutions.

Admittedly, my resolutions have been very similar over the past six or so years. But I like them, and they've helped me keep a healthy perspective on things, so I stick with the same basic ideas, adjusting a little as needed. This year's are a slightly different, with my Number One resolution again planted firmly in place.

1. I will not let my fear crush my spirit.

We may not always realize it, but we base plenty of decisions on fear. I know I have. Fear of not being "good enough," fear of letting someone down or hurting them, fear of the unknown, fear of being hurt ourselves. I've spent a good part of my life worrying about what will happen if I make this decision, or what will people think, or am I doing the right thing... generally just being afraid of the unknown. It's quite easy to let our spirit give way to our fears, however that doesn't really get us anywhere in life. Sometimes, we have to power through the fear in order to get to a better place. Breaking through to the other side of fear allows us to be stronger, more confident, happier people.





2. I will be confident.

I find myself saying quite often (especially lately), "I hope I know what I'm doing" or "I hope I'm making the right decision." Hope is a marvelous thing to have, but when I say to myself, "I hope I know what I'm doing," I'm allowing room for doubt. There's a certain negativity that comes with this kind of hope, a sliver of insecurity that can open the door for my conscious to allow things to go wrong. This goes hand in hand with facing our fears. I mustn't "hope" that I'm doing the right thing, I have to own my actions and face the fear of not knowing what the outcome will be. I can make it great, or I can let it fall apart.

3. I will make myself strong.

As I noted in my previous post, I've realized that I spent a great amount of energy this past year making myself fairly miserable. Unintentional as that may have been, I could have just as easily turned it around and worked that hard to make myself happy, perhaps happier than I have ever been. I am done being afraid and insecure. Since I do not particularly care for being miserable, I resolve to put my energies into creating the best and happiest life I can, for the sake of myself, my children, and all those around me.

4. I will learn to breathe, and let go.

It is an unfortunate fact of life that I do not like not having answers. I'm not extremely fond of the unknown. If there was a playbook for life that allowed us to see the effects our decisions would have (even in the closest immediate future), I would totally sign up for that. However, again going back to facing my fears and acting with confidence, I must learn to accept those things which I have no control over, which is a great majority of my life right now. I must let go of my doubt, anger and frustration in order to breathe, think and deal with whatever is handed to me. Stress does not need to break us. We may not be able to control the situations we find ourselves in, but we can certainly control our response to them. This is where our power lies.

5. I will accept where life takes me.

Dr. Who is my oldest son's favorite show. Although I haven't really caught that particular bug, and the few episodes I have watched have confused me, I must say that I have found a treasure trove of wonderful quotes from the good Doctor. What we think we want out of life is not always what we need, and sometimes we get so stuck on our perception of what "should be," we tend to miss other really great things that are happening to us or around us. Three facts about me: I don't like not having answers, I am very stubborn, and I don't always like to admit when I am wrong. These things, all mixed together nicely in equal parts, often leads to my severe misconception about what should be happening in my life at that moment. Looking back over my years, there are many places where I wonder "What if that had been different," but I understand that I am where I am for a reason. And if I could go back to find out the answers to those "What ifs" they may not be as spectacular as I think they would. And, if I could find those answers, would I really want to give up everything I have right here right now? None of us can go back in time, we will never really know the answers to all the "What ifs," so why bother worrying about it? Enjoy where you are, and if there is something that you feel needs to change, then work to change it.

Life is not always easy, each of us has to put in a lot of effort and work. That effort can fuel our fear or break it, emphasize our insecurities or our strength, create happiness or misery, make us calm or stressed, and allow us to enjoy where we ended up even if it's not exactly what we expected. May you find the courage and power to make whatever resolutions you have come true this and every year.

Creating Drama

Another year has run its course, and I'm a touch behind with the season of reflection sentiments. 2016 ended on a much harsher note than that on which it began, for a number of reasons, and I have taken quite a bit of time lately to look back on various personal events and decisions to determine how I might have made the last few months more enjoyable, or at the very least less aggravating.

I have come to the brilliant conclusion that much of the drama, anguish, anger, confusion and sadness that I experienced this past year was created solely by me. I scripted, produced and starred in my own little personal soap opera, making myself somewhat miserable (more than "somewhat" at times), and bringing down a few others around me as well. There was joy, laughter and happiness in 2016; The whole year wasn't doom and gloom. But I did manage to create much more than necessary amounts of drama.

The answer to why I did this is still not completely known to me, and perhaps it is one of those anomalies in my life that will forever remain a mystery. What I do know is that in looking back on certain situations, I am able to see how and where I went wrong with my decisions, and ways that I may have been able to prevent drama instead of encouraging it, had I acted in a different manner.

Every day we make thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of decisions. From what to wear in the morning, to what to have for dinner, to whether or not to smile at a stranger, to how we treat other people. I have always proudly considered myself to be a polite, caring, selfless individual. I think as this past year progressed, somehow I lost sight of those virtues, at least in some respect. I began taking, and justifying, actions that were selfish and hurtful to others. Although I knew the consequences of poor decisions, I made poor decisions anyway. And to make it worse, I convinced myself that my actions were justified as a response to someone else's actions. So around and around the abyss I circled, slipping further down into the gloom and trying to make it not be my fault.

We are in a constant domino effect with others around us. One's actions elicits another's response, which creates a reaction, which causes another response... and so on. Like the thousands of decisions we make daily, some actions are big and intentional, and we full well know that some kind of reaction will take place, be it positive or negative. Many actions throughout the day, however, are extremely subtle, nearly hidden, a subconscious start to a chain reaction. Each of us, as individuals, have the power to determine if our actions will be big or subtle; whether they will bring about a positive response or a negative one. We simply need to be mindful of the consequences of how we act. We seem to do so much on auto-pilot that we don't always stop to assess what it is we're really doing and how it might affect someone else.

As much as I wanted to believe that my actions were good for me and making me happy, I finally had to acknowledge that they were not. Life may not always be exactly what we think we want. And letting go of that image of what "should be" is sometimes one of the hardest things we can ask ourselves to do.

However, opening the door for what is possible can yield a wonderful result, if we are willing to accept it. I have shifted my attitude, and am working to see things for what they are, as they are in front of me, not necessarily what I think I want. I am done creating my own drama. I look forward to a new year that provides me with more happiness, more adventure, more joy and more love. May the same be true for you as well.

In the Spirit of Santa

Like all good parents, I have worked hard to teach my children how to lead upstanding lives. Teach them the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, do unto others, etc etc. Although sometimes it seems that the Christmas season puts a bit more emphasis on these principals, I do my best to enforce them all year round.

My children have been raised believing in Santa Claus. However, I have never once used Santa as a reason to behave. "Be good or Santa won't bring you any presents," are words that have never left my lips. I want my children to behave for ME, not for Santa. So yes, Santa is real in our house, but my kids know that Mama always trumps Santa. Doesn't matter what you ask Santa for, if Mama says no, you're not getting it. Santa may be watching, but you have to deal with the immediate consequences of Mama if she sees you doing something wrong.

I know it's a part of parenthood to occasionally, and for good reasons, tell little white lies to your children. "No, I don't have any cash on me right now," "You can't have a lollipop because there aren't any left," "Sorry, we don't have any AA batteries right now for your [very annoying] toy." I have said these, and similar, things. But even these, I try not to say too often. I do my best to be up front and honest with my kids as often as possible, so the thought of perpetuating the story of a man who travels around the world in one night does not really sit well with me. So, I twist the story just a little so I don't have to outright lie. My focus is not on Santa as a person, but Santa as a spirit, a feeling, an action.

This year, we hand made quite a few gifts, and I have to admit that I am very impressed with the creations that my children and I came up with. It started with ornaments. We filled a plastic bowl part way with water and drizzled various nail polish on the water. Then we dipped in plain silver glass ornaments. The nail polish floats on the water and sticks to the ornaments, making what could possibly be the easiest hand made gift ever. Next we moved to dipping the stems of wine glasses. Then we expanded our horizons a bit, and with the help from various blogs and Pintrest, we created a coaster, a tea wreath, mason jar cocoa and brownie mixes, planters, picture frames, a painted vase, and few others. I love creating, and I was having a blast making these things. This is what the spirit of Christmas is about. Yes, I bought my fair share of gifts as well, but it felt so great to help my kids get excited about making gifts by hand.

As we were decorating our tree this year, my 10-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son decided they wanted to each leave a gift for Santa. My daughter chose one of the glass ornaments we dipped in nail polish, and my son found a paper elf he had made in school a year or two ago that he thought would be perfect for Santa. They each wrapped up their gift and put a tag on that said, "To Santa, with love." My daughter insisted we get carrots for the reindeer, and after some deliberation, the snack of choice was to be my homemade fudge and a cup of coffee.

Come Christmas Eve, and the kids very carefully set up Santa's little table with our traditional Christmas plate and cup that we put out every year, My daughter placed two pieces of chocolate, two pieces of mint, and two pieces of peanut butter fudge neatly on the plate. The bag of carrots also went on the table, along with a note explaining that the carrots were for the reindeer and Santa is welcome to help himself to the Keurig coffee in the kitchen. The two small gifts were also placed neatly beside the plate, to be sure he didn't accidentally miss them.

Santa wrote a note back to them, and it reads like this:
"My dear children,

I thank you very kindly for the delicious fudge. Since I thought you shouldn't fight over the last Junior Mint cocoa, I chose that to drink. It's nice to have a warm beverage for this jolly old belly on a cold night.

It is very thoughtful of you to leave old St. Nick gifts of your own. That is excellent Christmas Spirit! Giving to others is what the season is all about. And handmade gifts are even better than store-bought ones! You all make wonderful Santa helpers. I hope you will continue to be good to others all year, every year!

Rudolph and the other reindeer also enjoyed the carrots you left for them. Thank you for thinking of them as well.

Enjoy your gifts. May the love and generosity you show to others always come back to you ten-fold!

Merry Christmas! Your friend, Santa"

At 8- and 10-years-old, it's not going to be much longer until the secret gets out, if it hasn't already. My oldest admitted to me tonight that he was about 4 when he figured it all out. But he never asked questions, and his dad and I just kept playing along. Maybe my kids are playing me and big brother, who knows! As long as they are happy in making gifts, giving what we can to others, and not whining about the newest and greatest thing they didn't get, I'm fine with it. I'll play the game as long as they want to. And when they are done playing, we'll continue to spread the Christmas spirit to others in any way we can. This is what Santa Claus really means to me.

Doing well

It has become second nature when I see someone I know to say, "Hi, how are you?" And it has also become second nature for me to answer, "I'm doing well, thanks" when I hear that question asked of me, even if I know it was asked in a passive moment with no meaningful conversation coming behind it.

Truth is, lately, I don't feel like I'm "doing well." Seems like I don't really know what the hell I'm doing in any aspect of my life. 

When I was a kid growing up, my dad worked for IBM and my mom was a stay at home mom. She was responsible for dinner each night, my dad cleaned up and took out the trash. He mowed the lawn while she did laundry. My parents, my sister and I ate dinner together almost every night. We had a certain "Leave it to Beaver" quality about us. There were practices and rehearsals and after school things to go to, and my parents took a few nights a month to do their own activities (I remember they used to go square dancing together), but my life as a teen seemed to have been much more cut and dry than the current lives of my children. My kids don't have any aspect of similarity to that memory of mine. My oldest might remember family dinners with his dad, if he tries really hard, but the other two have basically lived life from a split family. We do have family dinners at my house, but it's usually quite a bit more chaotic than what I recall. The kids have more chores and responsibilities than I used to (which is very possibly a good thing), and I've always worked outside of the home, leaving the three of them to bounce around after school and during the summer between their dad's and grandmother's houses. The past few years, my oldest has been in charge as the three of them stay at home by themselves. My memories are not bad or wrong, and neither are my kids'. They are just entirely different scenarios.

For the second time in my adult life, I find myself without a job. Which scares me. And I do my absolute damnedest not to portray that fear to my kids. I reassure them (and myself) that something will come up, we'll be ok and everything is just fine. This is something that was intrinsically known during my childhood, because my dad had a steady job at IBM for over 30 years, not something that had to be reiterated to me and my sister by my parents. Of course everything is fine. My dad works and my mom takes care of the house. Why would anyone have anything different than that?

I get that the world is a much different place now than it was 30 or 40 years ago. Of my children's friends, I can count on one hand those whose parents are not divorced. And nowadays both parents working (or the single parent, whatever the case may be) is, I think, a bit more common. Kids are picked at up bus stops directly in front of their house, with the bus stopping multiple times on one street, instead of a mass of school-goers being picked up on the corner around the block. My kids have no idea who the Cleaver family is or what their perfect little TV life was like. And I get that, and all that is ok.

I guess the part that frightens me is how my kids will remember their childhood, and me. They've seen me cry out of anger, sadness and despair. They've watched me fight with their dad, occasionally on an escalated scale. They've seen me belittled and know that someone else doesn't like me or wasn't somehow satisfied with me or something I did. My parents were not perfect, and I don't expect my kids to have this glowing image in their head that I'm the end all be all of human perfection. That would be terrifying because it is so not true. I don't remember my parents ever struggling. Maybe they did and were just able to hide it from me. I hope my kids remember that I worked hard and love them no matter what and am resilient. I hope that they forget the battles and demons that they've seen me struggle with.

My son recently made a comment to me about why I ask everyone how they are doing when we pass on the street. I said something along the lines of it's the polite thing to do, social graces, it's just a nice gesture. But he got me thinking. I'm certainly not going to bore every person who asks how I am with my day to day problems. But maybe I don't need to pretend that everything is rainbows and butterflies either. Overall, yeah, I'm fine, good, well, ok ... whatever mediocre positive word you want to fill into that blank, that probably sums me up in a nutshell on my bad days. To the average passing Joe, maybe "doing well" is an acceptable answer. I mean, the people who need to know are the ones who do know the more intimate details of how I'm feeling at that particular moment. "Doing well" is a very relative term, whose meaning could dramatically change in an instant. I guess when someone asks how you're doing while passing on the street they probably don't really want the whole story anyway. Generally, they are probably just being polite. To get the real answer to how someone is doing, call them up and ask them to have a beer with you. That's where the true discussions are. 

The Alternative

I'm a bit of a nostalgic person. Ok, "a bit" may be a bit of an understatement. I've been known to admit repeatedly that I would go back in time and relive my college years again, in a second. I sometimes whine about my babies growing up, and I long for the times that I could hold them and rock them. I miss days gone by. Generally speaking, I enjoy my life and I'm happy where I am now, but there are moments when I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

When I was a kid, 19 was, for some reason, a magical age to me. My friend would come over, and we would inevitably end up playing either school or house, because that's just what we did. Our mothers were (still are) good friends, and we were sort of forced into friendship with one another. Our mothers liked to get together quite often, so we ended up being play pals quite often as well. We were maybe 8 or 10, and during our games of school or house, she was almost always the teacher or mother. And I wanted to be 19. I don't remember what we did specifically or how our pretend stories played themselves out, but I can remember wanting to be 19. Why, I have no idea. 

For some reason, most of us seem to want to grow up quickly. We want to do things on our own, be independent, be away from the parents, etc. But somewhere along the way, in the midst of our trying to grow up so fast, we realize that maybe we've missed a few things along the way. "Wait...wait a minute, I want to go back. I don't want this much responsibility, I don't want to take care of things, I want to go back to being a kid!" As much as I can't stand the song, Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots perfectly describes how lots of people feel: "Wish I could turn back time... To the good ol' days, when the mama sang us to sleep, but now we're stressed out." (You're welcome for the earworm. I sang it the entire time I wrote this post!) 

College truly was a golden time for me. Just starting to grow up and learn about the world on my own. Discovering my independence, but not straying too far out of the reach of help from Mom and Dad. I made a ton of friends, many of which I'm still very good friends with today. I bent the rules and broke a few, but didn't get into too much trouble and was always very careful to keep myself out of situations I might not be able to get out of. My friends and I took care of each other. I love them, and they love me back. I was part of something, I made a difference to others. I didn't have a bad time in high school (still friends with many of those people, too), but college was different. I honestly would go back and do college all over again.

That being said, I love and adore my kids with every fiber of my being. There are the "what if" games I play with various situations that took place during college, but if changing anything in college meant losing my children, then all bets are off. Of course, I like to relive my young mother days in my head, too. I miss the days when I could nap on the couch with my knees bent and a baby nestled on my thighs. I miss rocking them, holding them, smelling their wonderful baby skin, listening to their infectious laughs. I love babies, and with every milestone each of mine have surpassed, it sends a bittersweet shock through my system. I'm happy and proud that they are learning and growing, but I want so much to hold on to their baby-hood. My oldest is now 15, a freshman in high school. We've started talking about driving and going to college and what he sees himself doing in the future. And during these necessary conversations of future discovery, in my head, I'm rocking him to sleep or listening to his awesome little baby giggle. And in the back of my head a part of me is crying. Bittersweet shock.

Years ago, my now-ex-husband and I were having a discussion with some friends. I have no idea what the context was or what we were talking about, but I believe my ex was complaining or voicing his dislike of something. Our friend responded with, "At least you're around to bitch about it." That phrase has stuck with me, and there have been plenty of times when I've reminded myself of that. I need to remember, and I think sometimes a lot of us need to ocassionally be reminded to enjoy the here and now. It's good to remember the past and enjoy it. Reminiscing is healthy. But re-living over and over again what has already transpired is not the opposite of being present today. The alternative of not being around at all, is. 

So, when I start to whine about how I don't want my babies to grow up, I stop myself. Be careful what you wish for. Milestones are still bittersweet, for sure, as any parent will tell you. However the thought of them not being here to fulfill their growing up duties scares me beyond anything. I do miss them as babies. But I celebrate and cherish them at every age. I am proud of them every day and I love and adore them more than I ever imagined possible. How could I wish that away?

No matter what is going on in our lives, or how much we long for something already passed, be satisfied that you're still here. And make it a priority to keep yourself here. We won't always be happy with everything that happens, and we as a human race will always reminisce and play "what if." Just remember, "At least you're around to bitch about it." It's better than the alternative.

Stressed Out

Let's just put this right out there... Stress sucks. It's also a part of life, albeit not a very enjoyable part. We all handle stress differently, and there are decent ways to deal with it and less than decent ways. It's said that one can assess what kind of person someone is by looking at how that person deals with stressful situations. I think this is fairly accurate, however I do believe that sometimes even the most even-keeled, most pleasant people can get pushed over the line.

Everyone has a breaking point. For some, it takes quite a lot to get there. I have a handful of friends whom I have never seen angry. I've seen them upset, but not to the point of "get away from me or I'll kill you" angry. It has taken me a long number of years to learn to calm myself down and to extend my breaking point. I used to be one of those "get away from me or I'll kill you" kind of people quite easily. I've never taken meditation or anger management or anything of that nature, but I believe becoming a parent helped a lot in forcing me to step back and reassess the importance of a stressful situation. I didn't want to pass my bad habits on to my kids, so I had to look very carefully at what they were/are seeing in me. Unfortunately, simply being a parent doesn't always solve the issue of how one deals with stress. I'm certainly no expert, but I like to think that along the way, I may have picked up a few good tips.

1. Breathe. Funny how the most obvious answer seems to escape the majority of the population when it comes to stressing out. We seem to want to jump in and immediately react. Human nature, I suppose. But if we take a few moments to breathe - remember the old "count to 10" rule? - we can better focus on what exactly the issue is and how to resolve it. 

2. Choose carefully.

It's sometimes difficult to truly understand this, but every thing we do is a choice. Do we get ourselves to work on time? Do we feed our families healthy food or junk? How do we behave toward that person we really don't like? Should we dress in jeans or shorts or dress slacks? Sometimes choosing one thing or one thought over another is easy. Sometimes it's habit or subconscious. And sometimes it takes a LOT of effort to choose wisely. Stress is simply caused by us losing control. Choosing the appropriate thoughts to overcome that loss of control definitely takes practice, but is possible to do. 

3. Smile.

This may seem counterintuitive, but I believe one of the best weapons we have against any adversity is to just smile (and breathe, they kind of go hand in hand). I can barely remember what I was doing yesterday, let alone what I was stressing out about a year ago. And that's a good thing! Stress comes, but it also goes away. Most of the time the things that we lose control over, the things that have us super hyper focused for that moment, don't matter for too long. Most of the time, a day, a week, a year, even a few hours after we got all stressed out, the worry has subsided, if not disappeared. Perhaps the situation was resolved. Perhaps it really wasn't such a big deal. Perhaps we just moved on with our life and found something else to think about and focus on. Smile, breathe, do what needs to be done, and continue moving forward. 

4. Focus on the now. What can be done? What steps can we take to help move the issue towards resolution? If it's not our direct problem, how can we comfort someone who is being affected? Giving advice may be helpful, but sometimes just being there for someone is more important. I admire one Very Dear Friend of mine very much, because (for one of many reasons) no matter what I rant to him about, he doesn't ask for details. He simply says, "I'm here for you," provides what suggestions he can, and asks me what he can do. Many people, me included, want to know the intricacies of what someone else's problem is. Getting all the juicy details doesn't always make a difference. Figuring out how we can react and what can be done to help the situation is much more progressive. 

5. Don't give up.

If you wake up in the morning, you've made it to another day. Whatever it was that felt like it was going to kill you yesterday, didn't. That means we can move ahead, consider how to deal with whatever we will face today, and continue to plow forward. I do believe whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 

Think. Breathe. Smile. Focus. And no matter what keep moving forward. Stress is just a bump in the road. We can't let it stop us. 

The best/worst year

I collect quotes. Actually, when it comes to finding inspirational quotes, I'm more like a hoarder. I look for them, seek them out, record them, memorize them, and bring them out when appropriate. Quotes have helped me learn about myself and have helped me face difficult times. 

Recently, I had this particular quote pop up in the "On this day" feature on Facebook, reminding me that it was posted as my status on May 10, 2010. "Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow." 

2010 was the absolute worst and simultaneously one of the best years of my life. It was the year I got divorced. It was the year my life was shaken around and everything that I thought I had wrapped up in a neat bundle secured with a pretty little bow was torn apart and thrown out the window. It was the year I essentially had to start over, and rediscovered who I was, and who I wanted to be. 

"Give thanks for what you are now..."

At times during that year it was difficult to see exactly why I should be thankful. I had thought our marriage was going along pretty well. During our 11 years of marriage, my husband and I barely fought. I don't ever recall having a screaming match with him, or slamming doors in each other's faces, or anything of that sort. I had been thankful and proud of that, until I came to realize that actually contributed to our demise as a couple. After searching for the reason to "Why am I not good enough for him," I slowly began to understand that being good enough for him wasn't the issue; I had to start with being good enough for me. 

Being void of my husband stripped away a piece of my identity. Generally, I didn't like doing things or going places by myself. He was the more outgoing of the two of us; I was the more reserved and shy. Always chit chatting with whomever he happened to be around, running into someone he knew almost everywhere we went, it seemed like he was constantly making friends and talking with people. When it came to conversations, he was the main event, I was just a sideline act. Once that main act went missing, I had to fend for myself. I had no one to depend on to start up conversations or introduce me to others. At first, I wasn't thankful for that, because I was scared. Eventually, I learned to love that independence. I became thankful for the things I picked up on while watching him talk with others. And I became thankful that I am more extroverted than I thought. 

I had learned to need my husband, and I wasn't used to going very far out of my comfort zone. Why should I know how to snowblow the driveway or mow the lawn? He did those things. Even when I wanted to help with certain things, he wouldn't let me, so I gave up trying to learn. When I was faced with these new tasks on my own, I wasn't thankful because I was afraid I'd mess up. Afraid that I would fail. Afraid to learn new things. Eventually, I learned to embrace the new tasks and became thankful for the opportunities to learn and grow.

Suddenly being a single mom was scary, too. My 3 kids, aged 9, 4 and 2 at that time, were looking for answers, and at first I couldn't give them any. When they asked the typical question of "Why isn't Daddy staying at our house anymore?" I wanted to snap, "This is your father's idea, go ask him!" And I wasn't thankful for that, because I was angry and resentful. Eventually, I learned to love that independence, too. I grew as a mother, I learned on my own, and I'm teaching my kids the best way I know how. I'm not perfect, but I'm thankful that my kids see me as a strong woman. 

"...and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow."

My shortcomings were not specifically what led to my divorce, however I have come to realize that there are always opportunities to improve upon one's self. Even on our best days, we can better ourselves. Life is ever-changing, and we must be too. In 2010, I discovered - or should I say remembered - many many reasons to be thankful. I learned what I didn't want to be, and decided that no matter what, I needed to be happy. So that's what I decided to fight for. After throwing an epic pity party for myself that lasted a better part of the year, I managed to pull myself together, redefine who I was and build myself up to be better than I had ever been. 

Although it's been 5 and a half or so years since my post-divorce epiphany, my work on myself is not finished, nor should it ever be. We, as humans, cannot survive as static creatures. Every day we are learning, changing, evolving ever so slightly. This knowledge in and of itself has made it easier for me to fight for what I want to be. 

2010 made me see how rich and fortunate I truly am. Although a part of me wishes that some events had unfolded differently that year, I am thankful for all that I learned, and for the blessings that I'm surrounded by. We can always fight to better ourselves, there is always a reason to be thankful, and always something to be thankful for.