Resolutions

I've never been one to stick with resolutions, therefore I have also never really been one to make them. However, my view of resolutions has changed over the past few years, and I do my best to set reasonable expectatns that I can actually uphold. With this attitude, I do believe making the right kind of resolutions can change one's life. 

I resolve to not let my fear crush my spirit. This one has been a constant for a few years now, and I think it's an important one. I've spent too much of my life trying to please others instead of myself, worrying about what others think, and just generally letting my insecurities and fears run the show. My will is stronger than fear, and every year it becomes a little more so.

I resolve to be happy with what I have. There is an envious streak that runs pretty deep through me. However, I've learned that coveting things others have and ignoring the things I have is just plain ignorance. I have plenty to be thankful for.

I resolve to always look for the blessing. We all have bad days, and some are definitely worse than others. A bad day does not a bad life make. There is always beauty to be found, always a little magic, always a blessing of some kind, if you're willing to look closely enough. 

I resolve to focus on the things money can't buy, instead of the things it can. We are a materialistic society. And we need money and things, to an extent. But all the money in the world, and having possession of all the things you've ever wanted doesn't automatically mean you're a wonderful person. It's the non-materialistic things that makes us worthwhile and valuable.

I resolve to be myself, and be happy with who I am. Figuring out who we are is an ever-changing, ongoing process that should never stop. Situations change, circumstances change, our bodies change, our minds change...if we stop trying to discover new things about ourselves we would really be letting ourselves down. We each need to just be who it is that we are happy to be.

Soundtrack to my Life

Music is a huge part of my life. I play it, I listen to it, I learn from it. Sometimes, as I'm going about my daily routines, I find that songs pop into my head, like the background music of a movie. Today, I had to break some news to someone, which made me a little nervous. As I entered the building to go and speak with this person, Flo Rida's "It's Going Down For Real" started playing the depths of my subconscious. I have found myself humming Juston Bieber's "Sorry" after having an argument with someone. The list goes on and on. Like a movie soundtrack, music always finds its way in, to compliment and complete my life.

I'm grateful for music in so many ways...

1. It's a wonderful escape. When I went through a short bout of depression a few years ago, music helped keep me on the upside of the deep, dark abyss. It helped focus my mind on other aspects of life outside my little pity party, and prevented me from spiraling into even more negativity. My rule of thumb: when I'm sad, I listen to upbeat songs. It won't make the problem go away, but one can't be sad when one is dancing.

2. Togetherness. I love listening to music with my kids. Teen Pop is a guilty pleasure of mine. Most of what I like is upbeat and dance-able. The lyrics are usually quite simple. There's not a lot of deep, hidden meaning behind teen pop music, and sometimes that's ok with me. I just need something to move along with and an excuse to lip sync with my kids. 

3. Meaning. On the flip side of the teen pop, there is plenty of music with a story behind it. Sometimes, when you're in a particular kind of mood, songs just scream out at you, saying exactly what you're feeling at that time. 

4. Individuality. Music speaks to each of us in different ways, with different meanings. I love absorbing the songs that I find subconsciously playing, paying attention to what I'm hearing and figuring out what they trying to tell me. I believe music is one of the ways our brain gets our attention. Listen carefully. We all have our own soundtrack playing in our heads from time to time. That's part of what makes it so great. 

5. Bringing out the passion. When I was in college, I played saxophone in a jazz band. One particular concert, I had a duet with a trumpet player, and I was very nervous. As much as I love playing and being on stage, soloing is not my thing. This trumpet player eventually became my mentor, and his advice to me at that time (advice that had he had heard years prior) was "Step in it." Play it, play it hard, play it with passion, and do your very best. But most importantly, just play it. That advice has been a source of encouragement to me for almost 25 years now. And it is some of the best advice I've ever gotten.

I think no matter what you're doing in life, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing with passion. 

Invitations

In April 1996, one month before I graduated college, I was offered a job at a radio station in Florida. Just a few days after my graduation in May, my dad and I loaded the few belongings I had into a moving truck, then we hopped in my '91 (or so) blue Geo Metro and drove the 24 hours to what would be my new home. The owners of the station had previously lived in NY, went to the same church as my  family and were good friends with my parents. So when they heard I would be graduating with a broadcasting degree, they offered to hire me. I couldn't exactly turn down a decent paying job in my field of study, although accepting it meant I had to leave behind everything and everyone I'd known and loved up to that point in my life. This was HUGE scary for me. I don't like being outside my comfort zone, and that zone was fairly small at that time. I had gone away to camps when I was younger and left my parents to go to college, the leaving part wasn't really a big deal. It was the "by myself" part that scared me. When I went to camp as a kid, my best friend was usually with me, and one or the other of our mothers was a counselor. In high school I joined the same clubs and went to the same places my friends did. I knew my freshman year college roommate, we had gone to elementary and high school together. I absolutely did not like throwing myself into a crowd of people, or any number of people, all alone. I avoided it at all costs. So, here I was, 23 years old, picking up and moving 1,260 miles away from home. All.by.myself. 

I managed to adjust and find some friends, thanks to my new bosses. I kept in touch with my then-boyfriend and other college and high school friends. I forced myself to smile and talk to others and 'get out there' a little, as it were. Fast forward to December. My boyfriend was planning to move from NY to Florida to be with me, but he wasn't able to come until a few days after Christmas. So, now, here I was, 1200 miles away from my family, during what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year, and I was all alone. I tried to keep my own spirits up. I decorated the little palm tree that I had inside my house, and put all the presents I had bought for my boyfriend underneath it in an attempt to recreate the scene that I had known so well growing up. I sang Christmas songs to my cat, and repeatedly told myself that I should be happy. But I wasn't. I was lonely.

Christmas morning, I woke up early and reported to work as I was supposed to. I kept a smile in my voice as I DJ'd my way though the early morning shift and pretended to the listening audience that all was well with my world. I didn't really have much of a plan for after work. Go home, sing more Christmas songs to my cat and anxiously wait for the next three days to go by, pretending to be as joyful as society seemed to think I should be. About an hour before the end of my shift, the phone rang. It was a woman named Brenda. Brenda was a hairdresser in town, whom I had talked with a number of times, and her husband Kermit was the local post master. Between the two of them, they knew pretty much everyone. That's how it is in a small town of 5000 residents. They were both extremely friendly people, always smiling and cheerful. Brenda inquired about my plans for the remainder of the day. Feeling that telling her I was going to go home and mope wasn't really a viable answer, I opted for the much simpler, "Oh not much, really." Before I even had the opportunity to expand on that, she invited me to her son's house to spend the day with her, Kermit, their children and grand kids. I felt a little odd at the thought of going to a complete stranger's house, but she insisted and I obviously didn't have a good reason to say no. So I agreed.

After my shift, I went home to brighten myself up. After all, if I was going to be in the presence of other people, I didn't want to come across as Sad Sally. Since I hadn't expected to go anywhere, I didn't have anything to offer to the hosts, but when I arrived at the house, I was greeted with open arms and lots of hugs. I honestly don't remember many details about the exact events of the day, but I got to watch the grand kids open gifts, and that's part of the magic of Christmas - watching the kids' excitement and joy burst out of them. We had a very delicious home cooked meal, everyone talked and laughed and acted as though there was nothing weird about having this outside person in their midst. The family completely embraced me, not only as a guest, but as a member, even if for just that brief moment of time. That feeling of complete and unquestionable acceptance is one that has stuck with me throughout the years, and something that I have strived to pass along to others.

This holiday season I am grateful for:

1. Invitations to be with others, so as not to be alone. There was a Thanksgiving a few years back when my kids went to their dad's, leaving me by myself. A couple different friends caught wind of this and immediately invited me over. Unfortunately, the kids and I had all been sick the few days prior, so I opted out of sharing any of our germs with the rest of the world, but the invitations were still important to me.

2. The ability to return that favor to others. After that particular Christmas with the family of Brenda and Kermit, I decided that my door should be open to others, if they should need it. For those who find themselves alone, but don't necessarily want to be, call on me. 

3. The ability to ask, and not impose. I don't always like to ask for help, and I sometimes feel like I'm intruding or being a bother, if I invite myself to someone else' house. But there are certain friends who I know always have their doors open to me, if I were to need it. Even if I don't need it, it's nice to know they are there for me.

4. Lots of different families. My family, my boyfriend's family and my ex's family are all pretty big families. And I feel welcome in all of them. That's a good feeling. 

5. Empathy. I'm thankful that I know what it feels like to be alone, so I can help others who might feel the same way. 

It's easy to sometimes forget that not everyone has a big family, sometimes people are grieving or missing a loved one, and the holidays aren't always the happiest time of year for some. I would hope that we can all be mindful of other people's situations and share what we have with those who have less. That's what the holiday spirit is about. 

Quotations

I collect quotes. Actually, I'm kind of a hoarder of quotes and sayings. I like finding them, I search them out, then I save them and pull them back out from time to time in appropriate situations. And I plaster my Facebook wall with them. It's easy to like quotes and collect them and even recite them back, but it somehow takes a lot more effort to put some of those inspirational words into action in our every day life. I like to think I try, and on occasion, I like to think that I succeed, even if in just a very small way. I do believe that stuffing my brain with all kinds of positive energy and inspirational sayings has helped me shift my perspective, helped me learn to look at life a little differently than I once did, and helped me figure out how to deal with some things that make me angry or unhappy. Granted, I'm no Happiness Guru or anything, but looking back on myself over the past 5,10, 20 years, I do believe I have changed for the better.

Today's gratitude list is powered by positive words to live by. And I have probably hundreds of "favorites," but here are just a few, in no particular order.

1.

We have collected a lot of 'stuff' in our house, as most people do. If I had to grab just a few things and evacuate (well, I probably wouldn't be able to do it, but let's pretend...), I would want my family's pottery pieces and all my scrapbooks. The pottery pieces represent my heritage and ancestry, and are completely irreplaceable. My scrapbooks are my life, literally. They tell the stories that I might not otherwise remember and bring back all kinds of memories. The who, what, where, when and why of my life, laid out page by page, photo after photo. Those scrapbooks are collections of moments that can never be replaced. 

2. 

One Christmas, when my youngest was about 2, we finished opening all the gifts with the grandparents, and he looked around the room and exclaimed, "That's it?" Needless to say, I wanted to die and strangle him at the same time. I have worked very hard to make sure my kids know it's ok to not have the newest this or the latest version of that, and just because "everyone else has one" doesn't mean they are going to have one. I buy them what I can, and requests that are not completely unreasonable are at least considered. We have nice things, but we're not extravagant. And they understand that things are just things. We tend to lose interest in things over time. But value we should never lose sight of. 

3. 

A few years ago, I had an email exchange with a relative, and I commented about the crazy chaos that was my very loud life, being a single mom of 3 young kids. He said, "Enjoy your unquiet house while the opportunity presents itself. That's part of the scenery on your journey. Stop and smell the flowers, especially the ones your kids have picked for you." We all know that person who seems to have their life scripted out, and they never seem to be frazzled or worried. Maybe that's because said person just accepts whatever comes at them and doesn't fight back or try to contradict it. Life is messy. But it's also beautiful. If we spend too much time trying to "fix" the mess instead of enjoying it, we also miss out on some of the wonderous beauty. Drink it in. 

4. 

Life is messy. And loud. And going to bed, exhausted, at 11pm doesn't count as meditation or alone time. I don't practice meditation (although I should and I do want to), but I realize that there is great importance in having just a few minutes of quiet each day. To be still. To listen to yourself, your environment, your body, your mind's subconscious thoughts. A lot can be learned in the peaceful quiet of one's own company.  

5. 

There is magic and beauty everywhere, even in the most mundane of things.  But the only way you'll see it, is if you want to. 

Tearing Apart the Resume

A resume is kind of a funny thing. In one or two pieces of paper, we're supposed to sum up our life's experiences. When I was unemployed for a short time, I attended classes held to help better myself and focus on finding a new job or career. I remember the woman who led the classes saying repeatedly, "Back your doors, people! Whatever job you have, you won't be there forever, so you might as well always keep yourself prepared. Back your doors!" She was talking about keeping your resume updated and fresh, so in the event that you needed it quickly, it would be easy to present it to someone.

I've been reviewing mine lately, and I started to really think about what it says about me. The more I reviewed it from different angles, the more I realized what talents and skills are left out. Does being a mother hold any accountability on a professional resume? I'm not really sure what the answer to that would be, but I thnk it should. Skills include time, financial and conflict management. Food preparation, janitorial and laundering services. Negotiation abilities. Shuttle service. I've never been in the situation of going from stay at home mom to professional businesswoman (and I've never had the guts to redo my resume that drastically) but I can't help but wonder how creatively one could describe these everyday duties, to entice a potential boss. 

After giving my own working life another look, I'm grateful for:

1. Having a variety of jobs. I've always thought that my area of "expertise" is fairly slim, and perhaps it is, in the grand scheme of things. However, upon closer inspection to the jobs that I've held throughout the years, there is a pretty large range. Waitress, retail cashier, radio announcer, feature story writer, bartender, sales person, customer service rep, recording engineer, musician...these are all positions I've been paid for. I've discovered there are quite a few skills that can cross over from job to job easily.

2. Hidden talents. I've realized that I posses a lot more talents that what I had previously put down on paper. Writing being one of them. I've taken the fairly typical English classes in high school and college, and have never set out to be a published author, but writing is a talent that not everyone can effectively use to express themselves. I'm proud that I can. 

3. Having jobs, period. I started working when I was 16. I'm not one of those who was delivering newspapers when I was 7, or mowing lawns when I was 10. I worked in college, but I didn't have to work 4 jobs in order to pay for my own loans. Still, I understand the importance of a strong work ethic and sense of responsibility. I chose to stay home for about a year after my oldest was born, and I was unemployed for about 9 months a few years ago. Besides that, I've held jobs pretty steadily for a good part of my life. 

4. Being a mom. No, that's not on my resume, but as I mentioned earlier, that responsibility has definitely helped hone skills that I use in the workplace. And some aspects of my jobs have helped at home too, like learning how to speak to my kids in a 'professional' and calm manner when I'm angry.

5. Balancing home and work. I am not about to begin the professional mom vs the stay at home mom controversy. I see validity in being either, and nothing stated in this blog post is meant to praise or offend one side more than the other. I've had times when I've wished for nothing more than to stay home with my kids. I've also had times when I've wished for nothing more than to leave the kids home and run away to work! Most of the jobs I've had have allowed me enough flexibility to be with my kids when I need to, and that's what is important to me. 

So, what's in your resume? What skills, abilities and talents are hiding beyond the professional workplace? Or what professional skills, abilities and talents have you gained in a non-professional environment? Back in my unemployment classes, I also remember our teacher talking about transferable skills and how two seemingly unrelated professions can utilize similar traits. That's a pretty cool concept, and it's amazing how many skills can cross lines that are way far apart, if you look carefully enough. 

The Christmas Tree

For many years, my family cut down a real Christmas tree, and it was something that the kids and I looked forward to. In December 2010, after my husband had left, I was determined to cut down a tree by myself with the kids. I knew the steps that had to be taken, what had to be done, and I was open to taking on new challenges, as my whole life had been turned upside down that year. So off we set, my 9-year-old, 4-year-old, 2-year-old and me, to get our tree. 

Long story short, I was a failure at this particular mission. I wasn't strong enough to actually saw through the trunk of the tree we had picked out (at least not at the upside down angle I had to be at, while on the ground), one kid's hands got wet and cold, another kid had to go to the bathroom, then pretty soon all the kids had to go pee, they were whining, I was frustrated and getting angrier by the nanosecond, and I quickly realized this was not something that would end well. I admitted defeat (if to no one but myself), we bought a tree precut and marched home.

Upon arriving home, my oldest helped me drag the thing through the front door and into the living room, where I realized that it too tall to actually fit standing up! There is a brown scuff mark on the ceiling of my dining room, proof of my attempt to stand the tree up straight. I admitted defeat again, and with big gasping sobs, called a friend to ask for help. He graciously came to save the day. Chopped a little off the top and a little off the bottom, helped my son and I set it up straight, gave me a very reassuring hug, and life was back to normal.

Fast forward a few years, and I now have a wonderful boyfriend who has helped cut down the tree to continue the tradition that we so loved. The past 2 years, however, we opted for the fake tree route.There are a number of reasons I made this decision, probably most of which could be overcome with a fair amount of effort. Bottom line is, it's just easier. Perhaps I'll change my mind again at some point, and go back to cutting a tree, or at least taking the kids to get a real tree. For now, the lovely fake one will do.

My Christmas tree gratitude list is:

1. The stories, and the memories that are made. The fake tree is nice, but I don't have stories about it, like the one I relayed above. I did have to wrap the lights around the tree 4 times this year before managing to get it perfect, but it was just me doing it, and there's not really any interesting story in that. I've told the kids THE Christmas tree story numerous times, and they know exactly what that brown scuff mark represents. To them, it represents a tree that wouldn't fit and a funny story about Mom being frustrated. To me, that mark represents my independence as a single mom, my efforts to get things just right and the help that was given to me to get the end result I wanted. It may not have been a joyful situation to be in at the time, but it makes a helluva story and it's a memory that makes us all smile now.

2. Putting up decorations together. The kids were chomping at the bit to decorate for at least a week this year before we finally had the time to do it. Maybe I could let them do 10 minutes at a time, a little here, a little there. But I make them wait until we have a good couple of hours on a Saturday, so we can all hang out together and pick exactly which ornaments go where. They breeze through the process a little faster than I'd like them to, but I get my photo op (which is one of the main reasons I make them wait), and they get to tear through the big box of decorations, emptying out each and every ornament, snow globe and Santa figurine.

3. The photo op. I'm a scrapbooker. I don't do it as much as I used to, but I've recently gotten back into it, and I've always loved taking photos. Decorating the Christmas tree provides great photo opportunities that I look forward to each year. I've realized that I tend to remember things based on the scrapbooks that I've created. If it's not in a scrapbook of some kind, chances are much higher that I won't know what year it's from. So I document most of my and my children's lives in scrapbook form. And therefore I'm one one of those crazy moms who has to take 2364 pictures of the same thing before I'm satisfied. My kids are usually not amused, but on the major holiday shoots, they tolerate me, behave, and even pose nicely. I've gotten some incredible pictures by just letting them do their thing, and some of my favorite shots are of them at their goofiest.

4. Putting the gifts underneath. Once the tree is up and decorated, the gifts usually accumulate slowly underneath it, based on how much shopping is finished and how many items are wrapped. Of course, the two younger kids love to bring their hand-picked gifts home from the school's holiday shop and put them underneath the tree as soon as they can. It's a representative action. The gifts are purchased, wrapped and when they are put in their proper spot under the tree, that means that Christmas Day is quickly approaching. As an adult who worries (sometimes too much) about bills and money and expectations and commercialism of the holiday, I have definitely lost the innocent excitement that swirls up during the first 24 days of the month. But seeing my kids ecstatic about putting their gifts for the rest of the family under the tree helps remind me why we do it, why we buy things and share things and give to others. Their innocence and joy refuels mine.

5. The end product. The tree, the lights, the gifts, the excitement....it's all wrapped into it's own little present. We make the time to be together to do these preparations, we're excited and happy to give things to others, and yes, we get excited to receive gifts as well. The entire process reaches far beyond just the act of giving and getting gifts. No matter how lavish or simple the process of decorating the tree is, it can and should be a fantastic experience.

Christmas Cards

It's that time of year...when my mailbox (it's actually a mail slot, but who's keeping track?) gets more action than it does any other time of year. All kind of pictures, letters and cards come pouring through the door, wishing me and my family all kinds of good cheer. I love getting Christmas cards. I love seeing the photos and reading the letters, keeping me abreast of what's been happening in my family and friends' lives. 

There's only one problem. I don't reciprocate. I don't write, stamp and send Christmas cards. I used to, and I enjoyed it. I liked writing the annual letter, being as witty as I could, charming everyone with all the fantastic things my kids and I accomplished over the past year. Somewhere along the way, I gave up that holiday tradition, and turned to Facebook as the all encompassing blast of holiday love to all I know (well, almost all I know, minus my grandmother and uncle who don't have Facebook). Does that make me a bad person? An ungrateful recipient? I hope not.

Each and every December, I'm grateful for:

1. Friends and family who uphold the tradition and spend a stamp to send me a letter, card or photo. I sincerely hope people don't think less of me, and I strive to get a personal holiday message to those who I am closest with. Don't give up on me, friends! I do love your cards!

2. Gifts of any kind. Each Christmas my dad buys us batteries. Each year I get a small assortment of gift cards, to places of necessity (like the grocery store) and places of frivolity (new clothes for me, what a concept!). Each year we visit with my parents, we go out to dinner at some point during the visit, and one of them pays. Each year at Christmastime, I get gifts. My kids get gifts. My boyfriend gets gifts from my family, and I get gifts from his. This, all by itself, is a spectacular thing.

3. Good cheer. I'm not exactly sure if the idea of people feeling "in the holiday spirit" is a myth or not, but I like to think that people make a little more effort to be nice to others during the holiday season.

4. Santa Claus. I have yet to break the Santa facade. My 14-year-old knows. I don't know when exactly he figured it out, because he never asked, I never told, and it's generally not really discussed. Likewise, I don't know what my 9-year-old knows, but she's still intent on feeding the reindeer and leaving out cookies and a Coke (she informed me we need to buy a bottle of Coke with a picture of Santa on it to leave for him), so I'm not about to ruin it. My 7-year-old is still in full-on Santa mode, as well. If my kids have ever had any indication otherwise, they have played me well. I vowed a very long time ago that the legend would live as long as I can prolong it. And if/when the end does come, the spirit will continue. Santa isn't just about a person, but a feeling, an attitude, a perception. The idea of leaving presents for others and helping those less fortunate is something I want my kids to believe in and carry with them, no matter what the time of year. I don't use Santa as a bribe to get them to behave. I encourage them to be like Santa all through the year. The legend of Santa will live forever in my house.

5. The opportunity for my children to buy gifts. In my kids' elementary school, they set up a holiday shop, where the kids can bring in money and choose their own gifts for people, ranging in price from 25 cents to $10. I've received pens, magnets, a bracelet, a ring, a "Best Mom" award that somewhat resembles a Grammy, a key ring flashlight, among other wonderful things. I usually give them each enough money to cover their siblings, me, my parents, and my boyfriend. Each year, they put a decent amount of thought and effort into choosing out just the right gift and they almost always have some kind of explanation or reason for getting each one. My oldest has aged out of the holiday shop program. So each year, I give him some cash and set him free in a nearby store to make his own selections. I've told them, if you're going to buy a gift for someone, make sure it has some kind of meaning to it. Don't just give a gift just for the sake of giving a gift. Each year, they are super excited to watch as the rest of us open their personally selected gift. And usually before all the paper is removed, they're blurting out why they chose it. The most expensive gifts in the world can't replace that. 

To all those who have or will send my family cards or gifts, we sincerely thank you. May each of you experience the extreme joy of receiving something that is chosen with love, specifically for you.

To My Son

My Dearest Son,

Last night, I read some of your texts between you and your girlfriend.  I tell you this openly and honestly, so that you will trust me.  This is not something I'm going to do on a regular basis.  In fact, it felt weird to be reading your messages.  I need you to understand that as your parent, I have the right to go through your things every so often, just to check up on you.  However, I also understand that as a human being, you need and treasure your privacy, and I respect that. After scanning over some of your messages, there are a few points I'd like to make to you. This is not a lecture, and I'm not in any way angry. Please don't tune me out, please listen to what I have to say. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Despite the fact that high school has not started out in the manner in which we may have hoped, please know that I am extremely proud of you.  One bad grade does not a bad student make.  I'm proud of the 98 you have in geometry, the 96 in German, the 90-whatever in biology, the 100 in band and yes, I'm even proud of the 86 in that pesky English class. I'm extremely proud that you have played in All County for a few years, I'm proud you've been invited to be a part of Allegro, I'm proud that you do well and enjoy playing soccer. We all have our strong subjects and our weak ones. History/social studies has never been a strong one for you, and I am so sorry that you are struggling so much with it now. My heart breaks that I can't *poof* make your grade go up. What I can do is provide a quiet, non-judgmental environment for you to do your work in; I can help you study by asking you questions from your note cards and review sheets; I can check your work to be sure you have it all done and I can help direct you to online sites that can perhaps help you figure out answers to the questions that stump you. I can provide never-ending support, encouragement and love. I know you are tired of hearing your dad and I harp on this particular subject, and I totally get that you would never think another social studies thought in your life, if you could. Keep pushing. Study with your friends who maybe "get" this subject a little better than you do. Review, review, review.  Do any and all extra credit assignments. Work on your homework the day you get it, don't put it off. Talk with your teacher. Make her your very best friend, and show her that you really are putting in the most effort that you can. Show your dad too. Prove to him how much you want to pass this course and do well. Ask him to help you study. Show him your work. Understand that he knows how you feel and he wants to see you do better than he did. Work with us, and you will most likely hear less harping. It's a tough class and it seems like a very difficult path, but I have all the faith in the world that you can make it through and that you can do well. Put in your best effort, that's all we can ask for. And for that, I am proud of you.

The snowball effect is strong with you... as it is with me.  One negative thought leads to another, leads to another, leads to "Oh look, I screwed that up," leads to "I can't do anything right," leads to "I suck at life," etc. Negative thoughts do not a bad person make! It's ok to get frustrated, and we all make mistakes and screw things up...every single person on the face of this planet does. You are by no stretch of the imagination a bad son, a bad brother, a bad student, a bad boyfriend...a bad anything and you are most certainly not a failure! You are a very talented, smart, strong, handsome, unique and wonderful individual. Yes, I am your mother, and mothers do tend to go on and on about how awesome their kids are, but I am not saying these things simply due to the fact that I gave birth to you. You earned these labels. I have had all kinds of family, friends, even work clients tell me what a wonderful young man you are. It's hard to acknowledge the good things about ourselves sometimes, especially with a personality as humble as yours, but you have to understand that all these things are true! We all make mistakes, we all mess up, we all react poorly once in awhile, we all say things we don't mean, we all make less-than-stellar choices. It's how you recover from these slip-ups that help define you as a human being. Acknowledge your mistake, evaluate it, determine what could have been done differently, what you can do differently when faced with a similar situation in the future, learn from it and move ahead with your life. If we all sat around and dwelled on how badly we messed up, no one would ever do anything good ever again! Learn from the mistakes. Grow from the mistakes. Embrace the mistakes, and promise yourself that you will do everything in your power to avoid repeating them. Then move on.

Thoughts of "I'm not good enough" or "why should I deserve anything good" are normal, especially in teens, I think. Every single person has their positive attributes, and we each have our not-so-positive ones as well. Focus on the good, on what you do well. And, yes, there are plenty of things you do well. This is a tough time in life. No one (that I know of anyway) has ever said, "I'd love to relive my teenage years! They were the best!" Being a teen is hard. You're more grown up than ever, but not quite so grown up that you're ready to take on the world by yourself, yet the rest of society tries throwing life situations at you that you're not completely capable of understanding. You want to have independence, but you don't realize that you're not 100% ready to handle that. The snowball effect sneaks in again, and before you know it, you're frustrated, angry, resentful and thinking that the world is out to get you. You don't have to face any of your problems by yourself. Your dad, your grandparents, your siblings, your friends and I are all more than happy to help you sort things through. We can't do things FOR you, but we can help you figure things out, we can help you see the light, we can hold your hand and we can talk you through anything. And I mean ANYTHING! You are never given more than you can handle. What you are given may be outside of your comfort zone, but not outside of your capability. Lean on those around you, let them be a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold, talk to the people who will listen. You have always been a very quiet, introverted kind of person when it comes to discussing things that bother you, and that's ok. I'm not telling you to change that. I'm telling you that it's ok to open up to a few chosen people, and that there are people who will do any- and everything they can to help you when you need it. Use them. You are always "good enough."

Please let me gently remind you that you have only lived 14 short years. In the grand scheme of life, you are still, by all intents and purposes, a baby. Thinking about the future is good; it's necessary, in fact. Being tied to any sort of future plan is, at this point in your life... silly. When I was a senior in high school, I had it in my head (for some unknown reason) that I would marry my boyfriend. That, obviously, didn't happen. I went to college and my perspective of life drastically changed. You have a lot of unknowns ahead of you still, a lot of paths to choose, and a lot of life to live. While I completely understand that you care very much for this girl, I want you to understand that life doesn't always go in the direction we think it will. The saying "Life takes some unexpected turns" is perhaps the understatement of Forever. People do sometimes marry their high school sweetheart, it is entirely possible. I'm not sitting around waiting for the two of you to break up. I like this girl, and if she makes you happy, then I am happy. I'm simply saying that you should keep a realistic eye on what's still to come. Dream the dreams of the future. Without those, we'd have nothing in life to look forward to. Be mentally prepared to change the dream, if needed.

Just a few more things: I am proud that you spell out all the words in your texts (none of that "b4" baloney!), that you are a polite young gentleman, that you stand up for what you believe in and your family and friends. I may sometimes seem disappointed, and I will get angry with you now and then, but that will never change my overall perception of you. The day I became your mother is one of the three best days of my entire life, and I wouldn't trade a minute with you for anything else at all. You are, and will always be, my prince, my pride and joy, my love, my life. Whatever happens in life, you can always be sure of that.

My Preemptive Resolution

Hello, blog. It's been quite a while. Don't take this personally, but I have to admit that I used you. My need for you was (temporarily) fulfilled, therefore I fell away from my routine of turning to your comfort every day. As Charlie Chaplin tells us, "Nothing in this wicked world is permanent, not even our troubles." My troubles of the time faded. I became stronger, I grew into a more mature version of myself and I used you to help me grow. For that, I thank you. I wouldn't say that I am necessarily 'troubled' again, but I've been feeling the need to have you by my side. I've missed you, I've missed writing. Writing is a therapeutic creative outlet for me, and there are days when I most definitely need an outlet. So, here I am, ready to use you once again, to continue the process I began of molding myself into a stronger and even more mature, authentic being.

I am a huge believer in the power of gratitude, and I do my best to practice being grateful in many ways. A new habit I'd like to adopt is that of writing a Gratitude Journal. A simple enough concept: before going to bed each night, write down 5 things I am thankful for from that day. I'm not one for making resolutions per se, and I'm about 2 weeks early for the resolution outburst of the new year, but let's give this a try. I wrote every day for a solid year before, and I can do it again.

Starting simply, here's my gratitude list for today:

1. Music, my ability to play and sing, and the growing ability of my children. A huge part of my life has revolved around the people I've met because of music, and I look forward to seeing how it impacts my children, and hearing what beautiful sounds they can create. 

2. My job. Although I will admit that I've been on the lookout for new opportunities, and there are days that I outright can't stand where I work, this past year has been fairly stable, financially. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure helps with food, clothes and shelter. 

3. My hobbies. Jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles and scrapbooking are all great, fairly inexpensive ways to pass the time. Whether it's time spent by myself or shared with my children or boyfriend, creating in these ways makes me happy. Oh, and dancing to music, with my kids, while singing loudly. A very favorite hobby of mine.

4. My kids' hobbies/activities. Soccer, basketball, dance, Girl Scouts, piano, band... Running from place to place can be exhausting, but I'm proud of my childrens' accomplishments and I love watching them grow while doing something they enjoy. I gladly encourage them to do these things, so long as we remember to leave ourselves some breathing time.

5. Friends. At least once a week, sometimes more often, I have lunch with a friend or two. I receive texts and messages that make me laugh out loud. I'm reminded daily of how much I am loved and appreciated. Friends make the world go 'round, and I am eternally grateful for mine.

Even on our worst days, if we're breathing, we have something to be thankful for. The more we focus on the abundance in our life, the more abundance we will find.