To My Son

My Dearest Son,

Last night, I read some of your texts between you and your girlfriend.  I tell you this openly and honestly, so that you will trust me.  This is not something I'm going to do on a regular basis.  In fact, it felt weird to be reading your messages.  I need you to understand that as your parent, I have the right to go through your things every so often, just to check up on you.  However, I also understand that as a human being, you need and treasure your privacy, and I respect that. After scanning over some of your messages, there are a few points I'd like to make to you. This is not a lecture, and I'm not in any way angry. Please don't tune me out, please listen to what I have to say. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Despite the fact that high school has not started out in the manner in which we may have hoped, please know that I am extremely proud of you.  One bad grade does not a bad student make.  I'm proud of the 98 you have in geometry, the 96 in German, the 90-whatever in biology, the 100 in band and yes, I'm even proud of the 86 in that pesky English class. I'm extremely proud that you have played in All County for a few years, I'm proud you've been invited to be a part of Allegro, I'm proud that you do well and enjoy playing soccer. We all have our strong subjects and our weak ones. History/social studies has never been a strong one for you, and I am so sorry that you are struggling so much with it now. My heart breaks that I can't *poof* make your grade go up. What I can do is provide a quiet, non-judgmental environment for you to do your work in; I can help you study by asking you questions from your note cards and review sheets; I can check your work to be sure you have it all done and I can help direct you to online sites that can perhaps help you figure out answers to the questions that stump you. I can provide never-ending support, encouragement and love. I know you are tired of hearing your dad and I harp on this particular subject, and I totally get that you would never think another social studies thought in your life, if you could. Keep pushing. Study with your friends who maybe "get" this subject a little better than you do. Review, review, review.  Do any and all extra credit assignments. Work on your homework the day you get it, don't put it off. Talk with your teacher. Make her your very best friend, and show her that you really are putting in the most effort that you can. Show your dad too. Prove to him how much you want to pass this course and do well. Ask him to help you study. Show him your work. Understand that he knows how you feel and he wants to see you do better than he did. Work with us, and you will most likely hear less harping. It's a tough class and it seems like a very difficult path, but I have all the faith in the world that you can make it through and that you can do well. Put in your best effort, that's all we can ask for. And for that, I am proud of you.

The snowball effect is strong with you... as it is with me.  One negative thought leads to another, leads to another, leads to "Oh look, I screwed that up," leads to "I can't do anything right," leads to "I suck at life," etc. Negative thoughts do not a bad person make! It's ok to get frustrated, and we all make mistakes and screw things up...every single person on the face of this planet does. You are by no stretch of the imagination a bad son, a bad brother, a bad student, a bad boyfriend...a bad anything and you are most certainly not a failure! You are a very talented, smart, strong, handsome, unique and wonderful individual. Yes, I am your mother, and mothers do tend to go on and on about how awesome their kids are, but I am not saying these things simply due to the fact that I gave birth to you. You earned these labels. I have had all kinds of family, friends, even work clients tell me what a wonderful young man you are. It's hard to acknowledge the good things about ourselves sometimes, especially with a personality as humble as yours, but you have to understand that all these things are true! We all make mistakes, we all mess up, we all react poorly once in awhile, we all say things we don't mean, we all make less-than-stellar choices. It's how you recover from these slip-ups that help define you as a human being. Acknowledge your mistake, evaluate it, determine what could have been done differently, what you can do differently when faced with a similar situation in the future, learn from it and move ahead with your life. If we all sat around and dwelled on how badly we messed up, no one would ever do anything good ever again! Learn from the mistakes. Grow from the mistakes. Embrace the mistakes, and promise yourself that you will do everything in your power to avoid repeating them. Then move on.

Thoughts of "I'm not good enough" or "why should I deserve anything good" are normal, especially in teens, I think. Every single person has their positive attributes, and we each have our not-so-positive ones as well. Focus on the good, on what you do well. And, yes, there are plenty of things you do well. This is a tough time in life. No one (that I know of anyway) has ever said, "I'd love to relive my teenage years! They were the best!" Being a teen is hard. You're more grown up than ever, but not quite so grown up that you're ready to take on the world by yourself, yet the rest of society tries throwing life situations at you that you're not completely capable of understanding. You want to have independence, but you don't realize that you're not 100% ready to handle that. The snowball effect sneaks in again, and before you know it, you're frustrated, angry, resentful and thinking that the world is out to get you. You don't have to face any of your problems by yourself. Your dad, your grandparents, your siblings, your friends and I are all more than happy to help you sort things through. We can't do things FOR you, but we can help you figure things out, we can help you see the light, we can hold your hand and we can talk you through anything. And I mean ANYTHING! You are never given more than you can handle. What you are given may be outside of your comfort zone, but not outside of your capability. Lean on those around you, let them be a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold, talk to the people who will listen. You have always been a very quiet, introverted kind of person when it comes to discussing things that bother you, and that's ok. I'm not telling you to change that. I'm telling you that it's ok to open up to a few chosen people, and that there are people who will do any- and everything they can to help you when you need it. Use them. You are always "good enough."

Please let me gently remind you that you have only lived 14 short years. In the grand scheme of life, you are still, by all intents and purposes, a baby. Thinking about the future is good; it's necessary, in fact. Being tied to any sort of future plan is, at this point in your life... silly. When I was a senior in high school, I had it in my head (for some unknown reason) that I would marry my boyfriend. That, obviously, didn't happen. I went to college and my perspective of life drastically changed. You have a lot of unknowns ahead of you still, a lot of paths to choose, and a lot of life to live. While I completely understand that you care very much for this girl, I want you to understand that life doesn't always go in the direction we think it will. The saying "Life takes some unexpected turns" is perhaps the understatement of Forever. People do sometimes marry their high school sweetheart, it is entirely possible. I'm not sitting around waiting for the two of you to break up. I like this girl, and if she makes you happy, then I am happy. I'm simply saying that you should keep a realistic eye on what's still to come. Dream the dreams of the future. Without those, we'd have nothing in life to look forward to. Be mentally prepared to change the dream, if needed.

Just a few more things: I am proud that you spell out all the words in your texts (none of that "b4" baloney!), that you are a polite young gentleman, that you stand up for what you believe in and your family and friends. I may sometimes seem disappointed, and I will get angry with you now and then, but that will never change my overall perception of you. The day I became your mother is one of the three best days of my entire life, and I wouldn't trade a minute with you for anything else at all. You are, and will always be, my prince, my pride and joy, my love, my life. Whatever happens in life, you can always be sure of that.