Adventure, or Overcoming My OCD

I like to think of myself as a somewhat adventurous person, but I know that I'll more likely spend just as much time planning my "adventure" than I spend having it.  I like to know what's going to happen.  I like to know where I'm going.  I like to know what time we're suppose to go there.  These things, I get from my father.  My mother, and her entire family, have always been more of a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of group.  Plans change, sometimes quite often, with them.  We get where we're suppose to be, but the path getting there can sometimes be quite chaotic.

Please don't misunderstand any of this - I love my maternal family!  They are crazy, loving, creative, giving, goofy, sarcastic, witty, spontaneous and some of the most wonderful people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.  This past weekend, my cousin got married.  In Maine.  None of the family is from Maine, or even live there.  The groom and his bride travel quite often, and apparently Maine is one of their favored destinations.  So the whole entire clan traveled out to Maine to see my cousin get married.  I knew it would be an outrageous weekend.  I can't be with these people and not have a good time.  Just isn't possible.  So, my mom, my sister, my 3 kids and I all piled into my minivan and set off for Saco, Maine.

I offered to drive, my mom had made the hotel reservations.  I printed a map from Syracuse, NY to Saco, Maine, but didn't know where the hotel was so I didn't get specific.  As soon as I realized my mom didn't really know where the hotel was either, my OCD-o-meter started beeping inside my head.  "Warning, warning.... destination unknown. Warning, warning...."  I took a deep breath, and told myself it would be ok.

Much of the weekend was spent listening to that warning blare through my brain.  Just about every time I got behind the wheel of my car, I was pretty close to clueless as to where we were heading.  I was just following the relative who was in front of me, and praying that my sister's SmartPhone GPS would get us there if I lost the other car.  For the record, I am home now, and I did manage to get where I was suppose to be, when I was suppose to be there, with very little difficulty.  I had to bite my tongue and tell myself to shut up a lot in order not to snap at anyone and demand written directions.  In the end everything worked out fine.

Stolen from my cousin Steph's website

Despite my annoyance at having to drive directionless, the wedding itself was absolutely beautiful.  The bride and groom were both stunning, as was the best man - the groom's brother, whom I hadn't seen in a very long time.  Everyone was smiling, and when the bride's mother started to weep as the bride walked down the aisle, the groom's younger sister touched her shoulder and comforted her.  It was an absolutely beautiful day, and by all accounts that I could see, a perfect wedding.

Before the end of the night, we managed to gather together all 23 members of the family for a fun little photo shoot.  It took some effort, but was well worth it, as everyone's smiles indicate.  As I said, it seems nearly impossible for us to not have a good time together.  All those smiles are genuine.  All filled with joy and love.  

This is what it's all about.  Directions didn't matter.  Not having a GPS didn't matter.  Not having a plan didn't matter.  My OCD-o-meter and my annoyances didn't matter.  Family matters.  Being surrounded by all these awesome, wonderful people who make me laugh unconditionally is what matters.  Makes no difference where we are, what the circumstances are, how we got there, when we got there or why we got there.  We were together, in the moment, having fun, laughing, and loving life.

Everyone has their own OCD tendencies and annoyances.  The important thing is how we deal with these annoyances.  There were many moments during the weekend that I felt myself getting upset, frustrated, angry. But I know this family.  I know that plans are rarely set in stone.  I know that not having directions wasn't anyone's fault or any kind of vindictive stab toward me personally.  I had to consciously tell myself to calm down, and from there I was able to better evaluate the situation and make adjustments.  After I threw my frustration and anger out the window, it was easier for me to enjoy myself, even when I didn't know where I was going.  It's silly to let our minuscule frustrations ruin what could otherwise be a lovely occasion.  When you feel those emotions starting to rise, take a moment to breathe, evaluate and refocus.  Then sit back, and enjoy whatever situation is in front of you.  I bet you'll be happy you did.

PS- In case you don't know my cousin Steph, she's a very cool photographer with her own blog, This World Around You. I highly suggest you check it out!

Nature

So often, I think, that as adults we lose focus from some of the things that made most of us happy as kids.  We get so wrapped up in every day adult stuff, we forget to act like a kid every now and then.  Over the past few days I had the chance to act like a kid, and I relished every single moment of it.  I'd like to share some of these things, and help remind us all of simple ways that we can get back to the natural state of being happy.

In my previous post, Simple Blessing of Happiness, I talked about some of the simple things that make me happy, nature being one of them.  I love being outside.  Again, most kids I know can't wait to get out and run around.  But as adults, there are so many other things that end up demanding our daily attention, it's difficult for us to just drop our responsibilities and goof off.  May I suggest that for just a little while every day, we do just that.  We ignore the laundry, the dishes, the cat or dog, the mess on the floor, the paperwork, the food on the table (ok, that one maybe don't ignore... put the milk back in the fridge before you go play).  For just a short while every day, act like a kid.  Act as if your biggest concern is how many times you can run around the house.  Or how high you can swing.  Or how long you can blow air through the bubble wand.  Do this for just a little while, and everything else melts away.

• Stand barefoot in the grass.  I am a big believer in Mother Earth, and Mother Nature, and I believe that a good connection with both of them fosters an inner peace.  How often are you barefoot?  When you shower and when you sleep?  I am barefoot as often as I can be.  Get grounded with nature.  Stand barefoot in the grass and feel the blades tickling your toes.  Bury your feet in the sand or dirt and wiggle your toes until you break free.  Close your eyes and imagine yourself being one with the Earth. 
• Touch your toes to the sky.  In other words... swing!  My kids and I all love to swing.  I was on a swing the other day for the first time in I don't know how long.  I pumped myself up as high as I could go, put my head back, let the wind blow across my face and pointed my toes up as far as they would go.  I was 6 again, and it was beautiful!

• Play on a playground.  The same day I was swinging, my boyfriend's son was running around the rest of the playground.  There was another boy there, about his age, and although the two didn't know each other, they began playing together.  They chased each other around, climbed up the slides, slid down the slides, ran under the swings, and in, around and through every opening they could find. Bring your kids and make it a game to see who can touch every piece of equipment first.  Run. Swing. Spin.  Climb. Slide. Jump. Just get out and play.

• Get wet.  There is nothing quite as refreshing as a swim, whether it's in a pool, a lake or an ocean, or anywhere.  A swim is a swim is a swim, and I'll go swimming just about any chance I can get.  My boyfriend took his sons and I to his family's cabin in the Adirondacks, and we got to swim in the lake for a good part of the day over the weekend.  The youngest (the one who went to the playground) barely got out of the water.  It was a gloriously sunny and warm day, perfect to be in the water.  If swimming isn't an option for you, a sprinkler does the job almost as well.  The last time my kids had the sprinkler out, they were all drenched, head to toe, in about 2 minutes flat.  There is something spectacularly soothing about dipping into the water.  

• Become sun dried and sun ripened.  We realized a bit too late (as in, about half way to the Adirondack cabin) that we had brought 1 towel for the 4 of us taking the trip.  Oh well.  As I said, it was gloriously sunny out, so after splashing around in the water and giving the towel to the shivering, blue-lipped boy who was my water buddy, I laid out on the dock in the sun.  I don't know how long I was out there (I didn't look like a lobster, so it couldn't have been too terribly long), but I laid there long enough to dry off and warm up under the sun and get a little bit of color on my pasty-white skin.  This was my form of meditation.

• Find shapes in the clouds.  As I sat on the dock just before dusk, watching the sky begin to make it's shift into late-day, I noticed some large, whispy clouds with somewhat unusual patters.  They took up almost the whole sky, and I could make out a small round head, a flowing gown and 2 very large, outspread wings.  I was looking at a beautiful cloud angel.   And she was looking down at me.  I  watched her as she danced slowly across the sky and admired her for quite some time.  She made me feel very serene.  I try to look at the clouds with my kids whenever I can.  Being in the grass adds to the experience, but we do it from our seats in the car, too.  Another way to have fun with the kids, connect with Mother Earth and appreciate her beauty.  

• Let the Earth move you.  Another passive activity I engaged in while at the camp was sitting atop a jetski.  Yes, we actually rode on the jetski, too, but I enjoyed just sitting on it.  It was tied to the dock, so it couldn't go anywhere, but the waves and wakes from other boats and skis rocked it gently and it bobbed me back and forth as I sat in silence.  I laid my head back on the seat, propped my knees up against the handlebars, closed my eyes, and drank in the feel, smells and sounds of nature, doing what nature does best.  I could hear the birds singing, the wind through the trees, the motors of boats, the voices of my friends, the splash of the water and I felt magnificent.  

• Be a kid.  I've remembered what it's like to play like a kid again.  At the same time, I'm learning how to sit in perfectly still silence and relish everything around me.  To take in the sounds, sights, smells, feel and noises of the things that we would ignore as children, because we were too busy running around and being loud.  I like the combination of both.  

It's true, we all have responsibilities, and they won't go away (as much as we'd like them to) just because we're acting like we're 6 again.  Being young at heart won't take away the mortgage or rent payment, it won't pay your utility bill, it most likely won't solve any problems at work or at home, it won't cook dinner or make the kids stop fighting.  BUT... for just a few minutes each and every day, all these stresses can melt away.  We can focus on counting the bubbles, chasing your son around the playground or seeing if your daughter can reach her toes higher than you can reach yours.  Just those few minutes of pure pleasure is enough to lift up anybody's rotten mood, brighten up any spirit and make anyone smile.  Imagine how wonderful life would be if we could all do that for just a little bit every single day.  And so it is...

Simple Blessings of Happiness

I have the great pleasure to participate in a 10-week life coaching teleconference, focusing on "Living your most luminous life" and bringing out the Goddess within.  This amazing group of women have me looking at life a bit differently and searching for ways to enjoy anything in life, be realistically happy no matter what, and let my inner Goddess run free. 

This may sound a bit... hippy-ish, or new agey, or just plain "out there" - I know that.  Despite my very logical background and my life-long habit of skepticism, I believe it's entirely true that at the core of each of us, we are a God/Goddess. We are strong and sturdy and able to survive and thrive through anything life can throw at us.  We don't always view ourselves in this manner.  Everyone - and I do mean EVERYONE - has their moments of weakness, insecurity, selfishness, greed, envy, self-deprecation and more.  Sometimes finding our confidence again is easy.  Sometimes... well, sometimes, not so much.

We all know people who have that over-the-top, eternally-happy, make-you-want-to-puke kind of personalities.  God bless 'em, they can't see the glass as half empty if they wanted to.  And I'm sure there are times when we, the general emotionally rollercoaster-bound public, would like nothing more than to toss these super-sunshiney people over the side of the rollercoaster.  For a while, I became one of these people.  I was even told that I was living in "mamby-pamby land" thanks to all my inspirational, let's-be-happy posts on Facebook.  I was slightly offended by that comment, but it (along with some other, slightly less pointed comments from friends) made me realize that I was trying AWFULLY hard to show the world how happy I was.  When, in fact, I wasn't happy all the time. 

After my husband left, it was a fairly long and slow process to find my happiness again and I tried to speed things up by pretending that I was perfectly happy with what was happening in my life.  Thus, I became one of the over-the-top, eternally-happy people.  At least on the outside.  But I soon realized that the constantly happy attitude wasn't really helping me.  It was a nice facade for a while, but rather than spewing out endless quotes by other people, I needed to find the things - the real, physical people, feelings and things -  that could sustain happiness for me. 

One of the things that consistently brings me happiness and peace is nature.  Watching animals, sitting in the sunshine, listening to the water, standing barefoot in the grass, feeling the gentle breeze through my hair... you get the point.  The best part about this is that I am able to find and experience this kind of peacefulness just about anywhere I go.  Another constant source of happiness has been some of these sunshiney-personality kind of people.  Thanks to Facebook, I've had the pleasure of connecting with people whom I have never met in person, but who have had a significant impact on my life... because of their positivity and outwardly happy take on life.  And, thanks to the 6 Degrees of Separation rule, one of these "random" Facebook connections led to other Facebook connections, which led to the "Live Your Most Luminous Life" coaching call that I'm now a part of, and hence has led to connecting to even more wonderfully positive people. 

I've learned that regardless of our individual situations and what we have to overcome, there are lots of "little" things we can do to help keep ourselves out of the deep, dark holes that sometimes come calling for us when we are experiencing the low periods of our lives. Lots of people have helped me realize this, thanks to lots of "little" acts of kindness. 

• Experience nature any way you can.  Sit outside during your lunch break.  Walk an extra 10 feet to work.  Pull weeds in the garden.  Stand in a gentle rain.  Walk barefoot through the yard.  Sit on the porch to talk on the phone or work on the laptop.  Pick flowers.  Splash in a puddle.  Go birdwatching.  Climb a tree.  Enjoy your morning coffee while sitting on your back step.  Go for a walk around the neighborhood.  Teach your kids the different varieties of trees or flowers while you're walking.  Breathe deep and smell the air.  Lay in the grass and look at the clouds.
• Breathe.  I don't regularly meditate, in fact I hardly ever meditate, so I can't tell anyone else that they should do it.  But the few times that I've attempted it, I have really felt better.  Just sitting with my eyes closed, breathing deeply and slowly, helps me to calm down, refocus, let go, and allow myself to feel peaceful.  If I can be in a quiet place, even better.  If I can be outside in a quiet place, awesome.
• Think of yourself in the best possible way.  One of my favorite mantras is "Pretend long enough, and eventually you'll start to believe it."  I don't even know if I picked this up from someone else, or if I made it up myself.  But when I find myself thinking negative things about me, I turn it around as quickly as I can.  What am I good at?  How have I helped others? What are some of the things people have told me they appreciate about me?  One of the fun exercises in my life coaching teleconference is to act as if you're a rock star, no matter where you go.  Dress up in super fancy rock star-type clothes to go to the store.  Hold your head high and swing your hips when you walk.  Let people notice you just from your body language.  Enjoy being looked at.  Act in this manner, and tell yourself how awesome you are (even when you're feeling down in the dumps), and eventually you WILL begin to believe it.  
• Smile at everyone.  So often, when we are having a bad day, we tend to take it out on others.  I know that if I'm crabby, I yell at my kids more often and more quickly than if I'm in a great mood.  I scowl at people.  I avoid eye contact.  I've always been the kind of person, that if I'm in a bad mood, everyone knows it!  I've started to change that.  Just because I'm miserable doesn't mean I have to make the grocery store clerk miserable.  Or my kids, or my friends, or anyone.  And again, if you pretend long enough, you'll eventually believe it.  Smiling takes off stress.  Smiling at people feels good.  Smiling tells others that you're in a decent mood, and chances are they'll smile back.  I think it's almost impossible to remain in a rotten mood, if you make it your mission to smile at people.  
• Do a random act of kindness.  This is something I highly believe in, but don't always practice.  But a random act of kindness doesn't always have to be paying for the next person in line.  I will hold the door for someone who is behind me.  I will let the little girl waiting in line at the rest room go before me.  I'll help a little old lady at the grocery store reach something on the top shelf.  These are all acts of kindness, but to me they are also just plain ol' acts of common sense.  We don't need to go out of our way to help someone else, and in the end we can both feel good.

Doing these things always make me feel happier.  It may take a little time, and I have to want to get out of a bad mood, but the happiness is there, if I'm willing to look for it.  Where do you find your happiness?  You can tell me, if you'd like, but more importantly get out and do it!  Run free, Gods and Goddesses, run free!

Justice

I am not a political kind of person, in any sense of the word.  I don't advertise my feelings about a lot of "political" events, not because I don't care, but because it doesn't always make sense to go loudly campaigning for something.  Again, it's not because I don't care.  This post will probably touch the nerves of some people.  *DISCLAIMER:  I'm not trying to upset anyone!!  I do not intend to start any sort of politically motivated word war!!  I will not engage, if you try to bait me to do so.*  The views expressed in this blog are mine, and mine alone and are not meant to harm, intimidate, beat, injure, distress, hurt or otherwise persecute any person, living or dead.  It's just a blog.

I haven't really followed the Caylee Marie Anthony case, however, there was a lot - and I mean A LOT - of traffic about it on Facebook today.  Today, the jury found Caylee's mom, Casey Anthony, not guilty of murder, aggravated child abuse and aggravated manslaughter.  Caylee was a 2-year-old girl from Orlando, Florida who went missing and was found dead.  She was reported missing by her grandmother 6 months after she disappeared, and her skeletal remains were found in a nearby forested area.  How she died may never be known.  One theory is that it was an accidental drowning, and the family tried to cover it up as a kidnap/murder.  Another theory is that her mother killed her.  In the jury's verdict given today, Casey Anthony was found guilty on 4 counts of misdemeanor providing false information.  She faces a maximum of 4 years in jail, but because she's already served time while awaiting trial, she may walk out clear and free on the day of her sentencing, July 7, 2011.

Disclaimer #2: I am not in favor of Casey Anthony walking away from this case.

Many of the comments I've seen regarding this case lament the justice system itself for failing.  However, I'm not sure that that's entirely correct.  Our justice system is flawed, no doubt.  But the prosecutor's team couldn't get enough solid evidence of Casey's guilt to convince the 12-member jury that she actually did it, that she actually killed her little girl.  There were obviously discrepancies in the reports of what happened.  Casey lied about a number of things.  Who knows how many other people involved with this case lied, too.  Perhaps there were things that were mishandled by the prosecution.  Who really knows?  The justice system says there needs to be "proof beyond a reasonable doubt" that someone is guilty of the named crime.  For whatever reason, the prosecution couldn't give America what we wanted- solid proof, beyond a reasonable doubt that Casey Anthony is guilty of murder.

So, Casey may get off essentially scott free.  Is that fair?  Not to poor Caylee.  However, if Caylee's death was an accident, Casey doesn't necessarily deserve to go to jail for murder.  Negligence, yes.  Child abuse, probably.  Reporting false information, definitely.  Any other reasonable charge that we could lay on this creature, I'd be all for it.  I certainly don't think that 2-year-old Caylee should be dead, and I definitely don't think that things were handled correctly on the family's side.  I also don't necessarily think that someone should go to jail just because most of America thinks they are guilty.

If any of my kids went missing for 31 minutes, I would be calling the police... let alone 31 days as Caylee was. Do I think that Casey was grossly negligent?  You bet I do!!  Regardless of the circumstances of Caylee's death, it should have been reported.  Accident or not, someone in that family should have spoken up.  THAT'S the part that's not fair.

All this isn't really the point of this post.  Feel how you will about the case, say what you want about our justice system.  However, let's not give Casey Anthony or her parents any more media attention.  Don't buy the book, don't watch the movie (and you KNOW there will be both), don't even watch the news reports about Casey.  Don't give her, or the media, the satisfaction.  Sometimes WE are the ones who perpetuate these situations.  Not all the time, but definitely sometimes.  Let us not put any money in the pockets of Casey Anthony or any big corporation who may try to profit from this tragic loss.  It's happened before, and they'll try to make it happen again, but that's where we can stop it!  News is news, that's all.  Not a book tour, not a movie... just news.

Please don't misread this as me being cold-hearted toward Caylee.  I will grieve for her, and I will pray that somewhere a god will take care of her.  I am sickened by all the media hype and noise that is made for things like this, that should just be let go.  Let the little girl rest in peace.  Let Karma take it's toll on the Anthony family.  Pray that justice will be served by the way of the Grand Universe.  Whatever God you believe in, pray that he/she may protect Caylee and others who have died needlessly, and that those who hurt her (and ultimately, those who hurt anyone) will pay their due price in the end.  We may not be able to control how the jury voted, or what happens to Casey, but we can control the hype.  We can control the profit that is made.  We can put a stop to the glorification of murder by boycotting ANY books, movies, magazines, etc that focus on the stories of people who commit such crimes.  There is something to be said about learning from the actions of others, and understand why criminals act the way they do, but book signings and movies don't help that cause.

To quote a friend on Facebook, "Worry not, dear one.  The one who hurt you will pay in the end."  I believe that Karma will have it's way.  Thank you.  I now renounce my position atop my soapbox, and once again return to the jovial, mild-mannered woman you once knew.  Just don't ask me to read the book when it's published.

To Be, or To Act... That is the Question

English is a funny language.  Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?  Why are apartments all stuck together?  Why is tomb pronounced "toom," but comb pronounced "cohm"?  And, really, what's the deal with they're/their/there, to/two/too, our/hour, one/won, read/read (present and past tense)??  I'm sure you've heard a million of these.  There is another anomaly in the English language that I have been contemplating lately: acting vs. being.

"I was nervous and didn't know how to act in front of him."  "She was just acting like herself."  "Act like an adult."  Why do we "act"?  Every person has their own distinct personality, has their own quirks, has their own beliefs, their own reactions... so why is it that we feel the need to act instead of just be? 

I think in many ways I have acted most of my life, as opposed to just being.  I spend quite a lot of time worried about what others will think, how others perceive me, what kind of impression I'm making, etc.  I do my best to act in a way that will appease the most people, to follow what I think is expected of me, to be what's considered proper of sorts, or appropriate.  Not that I would be a completely inappropriate, rude, selfish SOB on my own terms... but I'm constantly trying to measure myself up as I think others are measuring me up.  I'm acting.

Lately, I have discovered the joy of just being.  Being my own person, being fun, being anything my friends need me to be, being alone, being beautiful... just being me.  I find it very ironic that I need to practice just being me.  After all, there is no other me.  Yet somehow at times, I feel awkward in my own skin.  Like I'm back in elementary school, worried that all the "cool" kids are gonna make fun of me.  Who cares?  It didn't really matter back in elementary school, and it doesn't matter now.  Showcasing my most positive attributes, or practicing being me, allows me to feel more at ease, allows me to not care what others think or if they like me, allows me to free myself and just do what I want to do.  To just be.

I'm not perfect.  I have questionable choices in music, clothing, TV shows, parenting styles... questionable to others, anyway.  I like what I like.  So what if you don't like my music.  Don't listen to it!  As long as my kids are happy and healthy, please don't criticize my way of parenting them.  If my clothes could use a little updating, I'm willing to listen.  But if I'm comfy and not going out anywhere, don't expect me to care a whole lot!  All in all, I'm a good person with a good heart, able to have fun, willing to listen and help however I can.  That's me, just being me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating that you act like a jerk at your spouse's office party, just because you feel like it.  Or that any of us should behave in a manner that is grossly out of sorts for any particular situation.  And, of course, we should take into account other people's feelings.  The whole "Do unto others" rule is slightly misaligned, as is "An eye for an eye."  There needs to be a nice balance of both.  "Do unto others as you'd do unto you, as long as you don't hurt anyone."  I think perhaps maybe our vernacular needs to change a bit.  I am tired of acting.  I want to be more cognizant of my behavior, and behave in a manner that feels the most comfortable to me.  I'm awkward enough as it is! I don't need to be worrying about what everyone else thinks about me.  Acting is for the stage.  When we're talking real life, let's just all be who we really are!

Rearranging

Ever put something down somewhere in your house, then it just stays there?  I do it... all the time!  At first, I think, "I'll just put it here for now."  Then after a few days, it's, "I gotta put that back soon."  Before I know it, whatever it was I put down has been in that same spot for a few weeks, or even a month, or even longer.  If I clean up a little, I might shift it, moving it to another spot or to another table, but it doesn't really get put away.  Things just stay where they are.

Sometimes I feel like that's how my life is, too.  I fall into routines, move in certain patterns, say the same old words, work around the objects that I have put down... and I don't really take the time to move things - either physical objects or thoughts in my head - to where they should be.  Things just stay the same.

I recently decided (for a number of reasons) that I would clean out and rearrange my house a bit.  This is never - NEVER - a small nor easy task.  I can't just move one or two things.  Moving a plant from one corner to another results in moving half the furniture around.  It always has, probably always will.  So for me to consciously decide to rearrange more than one or two things is a big deal.  I know I'm getting myself into a big project.  But, it needs to be done, so here we go!

My first major conquest: The living room.  Last week I switched cable providers, and I knew that when the guy showed up to install the new cable he would have to get behind the TV.  So I pulled the massive TV/stereo stand away from the wall and swept out all the dust bunnies (and anything else living back there) in an attempt to make the back of the stand presentable for said Cable Guy.  Once the new cable was installed I started looking around at the placement of all the furniture.  I will be getting a new TV.  One that does not fit in my current TV stand.  Can you see where this is heading?  I need to replace the TV stand, which then poses the question of where do I put my stereo equipment?  And since I'm going to be moving out the TV stand, I might as well move the couch, the love seat, the plants, and the CD rack.  (Welcome to my OCD brain...)

On the other side of the room, I know that I have to clean off and move out a table, as well as move the cabinets that are nearby.  If I can get rid of the fish tank, I can push the couch down a foot or two, move the telephone stand to the other side of the couch, and put the cabinets where the telephone stand and fish tank were... Maybe I can use that table that is covered in papers and stuff as an actual dining room table, which means that I could get rid of the current dining room table.... It just never ends.

Unfortunately, this is the kind of project that will bite me in the behind, because if I don't finish in a timely manner (say, within a week), I lose focus and interest and the furniture and other various objects just... well, they just stay where they are.  Which means that I revert to moving around them and leaving them as part of the current environment.

I'm kind of halted until I get the new TV stand a few other pieces of new furniture.  So, with the living room efforts somewhat stalled, I decided to take over the bedroom.  This is a fairly self-contained project (I hope!) and I can move furniture around pretty easily without bleeding out too much into another room.  There will be some new pieces of furniture in this room as well, and I decided that instead of just replacing something that's already there, I was going to actually move things around and do things a little differently.  I'm somewhat limited in where I can put my large furniture, seeing that I have to maneuver around things like doorways, light switches and windows, but I came up with a new arrangement that will hopefully work well.

Rearranging my bedroom is symbolic to me, in a number of ways.  I have touched very little in the layout of the inside of my house since my ex left a year ago.  As I said in the beginning... things just stayed where they were.  I took some frames down off the walls, and cleaned up some papers and others things of that sort, but as far as rearranging furniture... hasn't happened yet.  I have entered into a new chapter of my life, and I finally realized that with a new chapter comes new scenery.  I finally allowed myself to wake up enough to move outside of my little decorative comfort zone, and started looking at ways to shake things up a bit.  My hope is that this will not only help me clean things up physically, but mentally as well.  With a new layout, and new placement of furniture and wall hangings, comes a new outlook, a new perspective.  A new beginning.

I spent quite a lot of time yesterday prepping to shift around the furniture in my room.  And I spent a few hours tonight actually shifting.  Moved my nightstand, my dresser and my bed.  Must have swept my floor 187 times.  I cleaned off the computer desk and replaced the old, unused computer with a TV. These are small shifts, but sometimes any shift can help shake things up.  The bedroom looks different now.  It looks a bit bigger, and I think it will feel bigger once I get rid of the piles of stuff.  My computer desk now has a purpose and there's not a ton of junk sitting under or in front of it.  I have a reason to move that box of papers that's been stuck in one spot forever.  It's now in the way, and prevents me from walking to the far side of the bed.  There are some things in the top of the closet I've been meaning to get rid of.  I bet the box would fit nicely up in that space.

I've known people who randomly and without any advance notice, rearrange a majority of their house on average, once a month.  I'll never be like that (at least I don't think I will), but I do like "starting over" every so often.  Cleaning out and moving things around is not only good for the house, but it's good for the body, mind and soul, too.

The Pain (and Joy) of Accomplishment

My back hurts.  A lot.  But I am proud of myself, and I'll do again what I did to make my back hurt in the first place.  Let me explain...

June 2009, after ripping up the backyard with a backhoe.

Have you followed the back yard saga that's been going on for upwards of 2 years now?  If not, here's a quick recap: my back yard sucks.  There is very little grass, weeds have overtaken everything, and there's not an evenly flat spot at all.  Ok, that last part is not completely true.  I'm fixing that.  Which is why my back hurts.  Little by little, I have been attempting to take back my yard and make it look good, as best I can.  Since I can't afford a landscaper, and even renting a rototiller would be difficult, I have been doing it all by hand.  Pulling weeds, chopping up the ground, and raking it out to make it flat. Takes a very long time, and I'm usually pretty sore by the end of it, but it's also quite addicting. 

I like finishing projects.  Don't always like starting them (which is partly why it's taken me 2 years to really get moving on this back yard thing), but I feel such a wave of pride and accomplishment when I can look at something that's done, and know that I did it.  I now have a new source of inspiration for getting things done.  Someone who loves to work with his hands, can visualize ideas, and get things done in a fairly short amount of time.  I admire him.  I admire his tenacity, his persistence, and his abilities.  He inspires me to do the little projects around the house that need to be done and don't take a lot of effort to do.  And he inspires me to dream a little about some of the bigger projects that could be done - like redoing my back yard and building a new front porch. 

My mini-garden patch: 6 gourd plants and 1 small marigold.

Dreaming about projects - whether it's working around the house, starting a new business, improving yourself or anything in between - is good.  Planning is good, too.  But, of course, nothing can be achieved until you act.  I have a habit of acting without really planning, or dreaming but not acting, or just thinking that it's all too much to handle in the first place, so why bother.  That's why things don't get done around my house very often.  That's why it's such a big deal to me to "fix" my backyard, and why it was a big deal to start this blog and rediscover myself after my depression.  These were projects that needed to be done, and I made myself find the motivation to do them. 

With just about every project, there will be a certain amount of pain that comes with it.  Whether it's the physical pain of doing more manual labor than you're used to, or the mental pain of facing what you don't like or are afraid of.  That which inspires and motivates us to start the project in the first place can help us move past this uncomfortable pain and onto the stage of "finishing" our project.  Each time I crawl around on the ground pulling weeds by hand for hours at a time, my back hurts.  But after a few days, and a lot of stretching, the back pain is usually gone.  The thought of growing strawberries, raspberries, sunflowers, beans and other plants in my own space motivates me, and draws me back to pull more weeds.  My ambitious, hands-on, persistent boyfriend motivates me, too.  Once those weeds are gone, and I have a small patch of flat dirt to work with, I feel the rush of accomplishment.

The feeling of accomplishment is addicting.  I've been saying that the yard work itself is addicting, but I think I'm more addicted to the act of finishing the yard work. When I can stand back and admire my small patch of dark brown dirt, sticking out amongst all the nasty green weeds, it makes me proud... and it makes me want to pull more weeds!  I have felt this way with so many other projects, too - once I find the motivation to actually get started and I realize the potential benefits of finishing said projects, I just don't want to stop until I'm completely done and satisfied with the work. 

Rock garden and strawberry patch.

Over the years, I've learned to pace myself.  I've learned that it's not a good idea to stay up until 2am on a work night rearranging the furniture or cleaning out my cupboards. I've learned to listen to my body, take breaks, eat and go to the bathroom.  I've learned that I can only do yard work and/or gardening for a few hours at a time.  I've learned that I'm not always as strong as I think I am, and I can't move everything by myself.  I've also learned that I can change anything about myself that I want to.  I've learned that I can allow myself to be happy, regardless of what others do.  I've learned that I can clean a kid's room in one night.  I've learned it's ok to throw things away.  I've learned that every room needs a junk drawer, but that every now and then it needs to get emptied.  I've learned that I can do things I never thought possible.  All of this I learned thanks to the various projects that I've made myself do, after getting over the fear and intimidation of getting started.

My yard will take a while still to finish.  Just like so many other things in my life, it may never be completely done, but rather a yearly changing project.  And that's ok, too.  I am proud of what I have done to it by myself, and I continue to dream of what I can do.  I also have a list of projects that I hope to tackle around the house, including changing the lock on my back door, building a new front and back porch, redoing my upstairs bathroom, rearranging the living room furniture and cleaning out all the junk in my basement.  That's a pretty hefty list for me, Little Miss Unmotivated.  At least it WAS a hefty list.  With my source of inspiration by my side, a new attitude about what I can handle, a fleet of willing and able friends to help, good planning and budgeting skills, and a smart approach to tackling the list, I am more confident than ever that the rush of accomplishing these projects will far outweigh whatever pain is incurred doing them.  And that is a reason to be proud.