This may sound a bit... hippy-ish, or new agey, or just plain "out there" - I know that. Despite my very logical background and my life-long habit of skepticism, I believe it's entirely true that at the core of each of us, we are a God/Goddess. We are strong and sturdy and able to survive and thrive through anything life can throw at us. We don't always view ourselves in this manner. Everyone - and I do mean EVERYONE - has their moments of weakness, insecurity, selfishness, greed, envy, self-deprecation and more. Sometimes finding our confidence again is easy. Sometimes... well, sometimes, not so much.
We all know people who have that over-the-top, eternally-happy, make-you-want-to-puke kind of personalities. God bless 'em, they can't see the glass as half empty if they wanted to. And I'm sure there are times when we, the general emotionally rollercoaster-bound public, would like nothing more than to toss these super-sunshiney people over the side of the rollercoaster. For a while, I became one of these people. I was even told that I was living in "mamby-pamby land" thanks to all my inspirational, let's-be-happy posts on Facebook. I was slightly offended by that comment, but it (along with some other, slightly less pointed comments from friends) made me realize that I was trying AWFULLY hard to show the world how happy I was. When, in fact, I wasn't happy all the time.
After my husband left, it was a fairly long and slow process to find my happiness again and I tried to speed things up by pretending that I was perfectly happy with what was happening in my life. Thus, I became one of the over-the-top, eternally-happy people. At least on the outside. But I soon realized that the constantly happy attitude wasn't really helping me. It was a nice facade for a while, but rather than spewing out endless quotes by other people, I needed to find the things - the real, physical people, feelings and things - that could sustain happiness for me.
One of the things that consistently brings me happiness and peace is nature. Watching animals, sitting in the sunshine, listening to the water, standing barefoot in the grass, feeling the gentle breeze through my hair... you get the point. The best part about this is that I am able to find and experience this kind of peacefulness just about anywhere I go. Another constant source of happiness has been some of these sunshiney-personality kind of people. Thanks to Facebook, I've had the pleasure of connecting with people whom I have never met in person, but who have had a significant impact on my life... because of their positivity and outwardly happy take on life. And, thanks to the 6 Degrees of Separation rule, one of these "random" Facebook connections led to other Facebook connections, which led to the "Live Your Most Luminous Life" coaching call that I'm now a part of, and hence has led to connecting to even more wonderfully positive people.
I've learned that regardless of our individual situations and what we have to overcome, there are lots of "little" things we can do to help keep ourselves out of the deep, dark holes that sometimes come calling for us when we are experiencing the low periods of our lives. Lots of people have helped me realize this, thanks to lots of "little" acts of kindness.
- Experience nature any way you can. Sit outside during your lunch break. Walk an extra 10 feet to work. Pull weeds in the garden. Stand in a gentle rain. Walk barefoot through the yard. Sit on the porch to talk on the phone or work on the laptop. Pick flowers. Splash in a puddle. Go birdwatching. Climb a tree. Enjoy your morning coffee while sitting on your back step. Go for a walk around the neighborhood. Teach your kids the different varieties of trees or flowers while you're walking. Breathe deep and smell the air. Lay in the grass and look at the clouds.
- Breathe. I don't regularly meditate, in fact I hardly ever meditate, so I can't tell anyone else that they should do it. But the few times that I've attempted it, I have really felt better. Just sitting with my eyes closed, breathing deeply and slowly, helps me to calm down, refocus, let go, and allow myself to feel peaceful. If I can be in a quiet place, even better. If I can be outside in a quiet place, awesome.
- Think of yourself in the best possible way. One of my favorite mantras is "Pretend long enough, and eventually you'll start to believe it." I don't even know if I picked this up from someone else, or if I made it up myself. But when I find myself thinking negative things about me, I turn it around as quickly as I can. What am I good at? How have I helped others? What are some of the things people have told me they appreciate about me? One of the fun exercises in my life coaching teleconference is to act as if you're a rock star, no matter where you go. Dress up in super fancy rock star-type clothes to go to the store. Hold your head high and swing your hips when you walk. Let people notice you just from your body language. Enjoy being looked at. Act in this manner, and tell yourself how awesome you are (even when you're feeling down in the dumps), and eventually you WILL begin to believe it.
- Smile at everyone. So often, when we are having a bad day, we tend to take it out on others. I know that if I'm crabby, I yell at my kids more often and more quickly than if I'm in a great mood. I scowl at people. I avoid eye contact. I've always been the kind of person, that if I'm in a bad mood, everyone knows it! I've started to change that. Just because I'm miserable doesn't mean I have to make the grocery store clerk miserable. Or my kids, or my friends, or anyone. And again, if you pretend long enough, you'll eventually believe it. Smiling takes off stress. Smiling at people feels good. Smiling tells others that you're in a decent mood, and chances are they'll smile back. I think it's almost impossible to remain in a rotten mood, if you make it your mission to smile at people.
- Do a random act of kindness. This is something I highly believe in, but don't always practice. But a random act of kindness doesn't always have to be paying for the next person in line. I will hold the door for someone who is behind me. I will let the little girl waiting in line at the rest room go before me. I'll help a little old lady at the grocery store reach something on the top shelf. These are all acts of kindness, but to me they are also just plain ol' acts of common sense. We don't need to go out of our way to help someone else, and in the end we can both feel good.
Kate, a long time ago, maybe thirty five years ago, Redbook magazine had a story in it that I cut out. It made an impact on me, and has made me stop and think when I was making choices, who did/do I want to be?
ReplyDeleteThe story was about a prince who ruled his land with great cruelty. He took what he wanted, whether goods or services or people. He was hated and feared, and his face mirrored the person he was.
One day, when he was out surveying his land, he saw a young woman who was working in her field. He saw that she was beautiful, that she laughed and made other people laugh, that she had friends, that people came to her, that she was kind. And he wanted her. But somehow, under all his evil, he understood that she would not respond to him the way he was. He went to the most famous maskmaker in the land, and asked him to craft a mask for him that would show the man he would be if he was good, kind, caring. He began wearing the mask, and began spending time around the girl. Over time, the two of them came to love one another, and he asked her to marry him.
The trouble was, as their wedding day approached, he became more and more concerned that she could not love the person he really was--the cruel lord of the land. They celebrated their wedding, and on their wedding night, he told her he needed to show her something. He told her who he had been, and what he had done, and about the mask he had had created. She listened to him, and as he took off the mask, she stroked his face. She laughed at him, saying "but there's no difference".
A kind of hokey story--but the message that we can make choices in how we act, in the image we project to others, and that by spending time with people we want to be like we can change--is like much of what you are saying in your post.
Grief puts us through many feelings, and they are not always easy to deal with. You had the death/change of a primary relationship, and for being a year and a half into this change, you have shown incredible resilience. If you didn't get a bit manic in trying to be happy sometimes, maybe you would not be where you are today--or as far in your growth.
As always, thank you for the sharing you do.
I like that story! Thank you for sharing. Sounds like another good bed time tale for the kids. :)
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