The other night, upon suggestion of a friend, I re-read some of my blog entries. Very powerful stuff for me. In a few of the more recent ones, as time between entries grew, I stated that I didn't need to rely on the blog as much as I had in months past. Well, I kind of lied. I need to find strength in something - we all do - and what better place to look for strength than deep inside yourself.
We all have our demons. Self-doubt is one of my biggest ones. Ridicule towards myself tends to come a bit too easily sometimes. Although I think growing older and growing up (and yes, there is definitely a difference) have helped ease it a bit, I still find myself questioning and doubting many things. This is sometimes a good thing, but I think in my case, I take it to the extreme.
I obsess over decisions. Sometimes. Other times I speak and act before I think long enough. When I was forced to buy a new car, I literally obsessed over it for 2 months. Comparing, researching, comparing some more, looking online for hours on end (days on end), talking to friends, thinking non-stop about this car that I was about to buy. Basically eating, sleeping, breathing cars. Over.The.Top. (But the car was a good car.) However, there was also the time I allowed myself to be talked into getting a dog. Did the research AFTER paying money for a cute little pup, only to find out the 2 breeds in this mixed-breed canine both love to run and don't really listen very well. Spectacular decision that was (sarcastically, that is).
My brain is currently hung up on one particular decision I made that impacts very little in the overall scheme of life. The consequences of this decision affect no one but me, and I am neither better off nor hurt by it. Yet, I doubt.
As we all know, the past is the past and nothing that has already been done can be changed. As was said to me by a very dear friend, "You have 3 choices... you can deal with it, embrace it, or throw yourself down a flight of stairs because of it." Since option #3 isn't very feasible in any particular situation, and there's not much I can do to change the past, I can simply accept my own actions or I can step it up and embrace them. I had my reasons for doing what I did - and they are good reasons - so this decision does not qualify as a bad one. A few of the details may have been overlooked in my heightened state of excited-ness, but to no major detriment. So why the persistent self-doubt?
As I said, we all have demons to deal with, and I am obviously still learning how to tame a few of mine. In the midst of questioning whether I am good enough, what people will think of me, etc, another very dear friend reminded me that I have within me what I need to be the best person I can possibly be. And I know he's right. Sometimes we need friends to hold up the mirror for us and point out all the things that are good, but we all have what's required to succeed, no matter what definition you go by.
So, I can deal or I can embrace. I can hang my head, admit defeat and render myself to embarrassment, or I can hold my head high, be proud of my actions, believe deeply in the reasons behind them and let my attitude own that decision. Let not your circumstances define your attitude, let your attitude define your circumstances.
I don't ever recall hearing anyone say to me, "That was a really stupid decision" (although there have definitely been times when I've raised some eyebrows and that statement would have been warranted), however there have been plenty of times when people have expressed their pride, gratitude, admiration, etc for certain actions of mine. Take the "stupid" decisions, no matter how petty they may seem, and draw out some lesson to be learned. Learning from our own decisions and actions can be some of the best lessons, and can create the greatest inner strength. If we have good reasons for making those decisions, then we can wear with pride the attitude that backs those actions.
