My Resolutions

I'm big into quotes. I can't always think of the right things to say or exactly how to express myself, but I can almost always find or remember some quote that fits the occasion perfectly. I've found and been presented with lots of quotes to help inspire and encourage me this year, as I've tried to find myself and define who it is I want to be. In my September 22 post, I offer a number of quotes that I have come to love. Some of them will resurface here, and I will add others, as I continue to collect inspiration from others.

I don't usually make resolutions, only because I know that the chances of me following through with them are slim to none. However, things have changed, and I have new reasons and motivations for setting really realistic goals AND carrying through to make sure I reach them. And, quotes are going to help me get there.

"Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared." ~Eddie Rickenbacher

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow." ~Mary Ann Radmacher

"Every day, in every way, life takes courage. Stay courageous, my friends." ~Redd Swindells

"We don't know how strong we can be until being strong is the only choice we have."

I don't like to show it, but I can be afraid of quite a lot. I don't always consider myself the strongest or most courageous person. But, I have learned that sometimes we can be our strongest when we least expect it. For the sake of myself as well as my kids, I know that I have to face quite a few of my fears head-on. I also know that I have the strength I need to face them. I resolve to not let my fears crush my spirit.

"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." ~Lao Tzu

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." ~Oprah Winfrey

I've spent too much of my life being envious of what others have. I have plenty to be thankful for, and I have no reason to want anything else. I am extremely fortunate. I resolve to keep my focus on the things that enrich my life every day.

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." ~Dalai Lama
"Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it."
"Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise."

I don't promise a whole lot. Ask my kids, they'll tell you that I refuse to promise anything. That's only because I don't want to promise something then not be able to follow through with it. But I love making people happy and I have promised friends, family and my kids again and again that if I am able to help, I will. And if I can make someone happier, just by talking with them or being with them, I will. This is a promise that I intend to never falter on. I resolve to do whatever I can to make others happy.

"Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you." ~Richard Bach
 "Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before."

I am surrounded by love every day. I am fortunate beyond words. I cannot pinpoint anything in particular that I did to attract people into my life, but I have met, befriended and love some of the most amazing people ever. I've been told this is because I am an amazing person. I don't think that I am any better than anyone else, but I hope to keep doing whatever it is I'm doing to keep the wonderful friends I have in my life. I resolve to love others the way that I have been loved.

And one more.

"There are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible." ~Cherie Carter-Scott
"He who conquers others is strong; He who conquers himself is mighty." ~Lao Tzu "

I have discovered a lot about myself this past year. I have come to appreciate some things, and change other things. I have learned that I am not perfect (well, I knew that already), but there are a lot of good things about me. I have come to appreciate some of the things that I had previously seen negatively. I have come to accept some things that I hadn't wanted to accept. And all these things, even the things I don't really like, make me a unique and beautiful person. I resolve to love myself the way that others love me.

So, there it is, out in the open for all to see, my New Year's resolutions. May 2011 be the best year yet!

I Discover George Bailey

For the past few years, I've watched "It's a Wonderful Life" while wrapping Christmas presents on Christmas Eve. This year, I introduced my 9-year-old to it. We didn't wrap presents, but sat on the couch together, and every so often I'd pause the movie to make sure he was caught up on the story line and was keeping the characters straight. It took us close to 3 hours to get through it, but it was worth it! He didn't fall asleep, he actually paid attention and kept up (for the most part) with what was going on, and at the end he said, "I really liked that movie."

Just in case you've never seen it, you should. Here's a brief synopsis: George Bailey dreams of leaving behind his little hometown and taking over the world. But life keeps getting in his way, and he ends up giving up many of his dreams to run the family business. A significant amount of money is misplaced, and it looks as though George will be forced into bankruptcy. He becomes very depressed and wishes he had never been born. Clarence the Angel is assigned to George in order to receive his wings. He grants George his wish, and takes him all over town to prove how different things would be with no George Bailey. George realizes how much he has to be grateful for and changes his whole attitude toward life. In the meantime, George's wife has called and telegramed a lot of people to let them know that George is in trouble. Money comes pouring in from people all over town, as well as some old school friends who have moved away. George comes home to a house full of people wishing him good cheer and offering to help him. And, yes, Clarence gets his wings.

Every year I watch this movie, and every year, I cry. And every year, I wonder how things would be different if I were never born (not in a morbid way, just out of curiosity) . And every year, I wonder what kind of an outpouring of support and love I would get if I really needed it. I don't wonder this any more. 2010 was the year in which I found out what a wonderful life I really have.

I'm not sure that I lead my life in the same manner as George Bailey, but first and foremost, if I was never around, neither would be my kids. That right there would alter a whole ton of people's lives. My then-boyfriend moved to Florida with me, and met a number of people who he's recently reconnected with on Facebook. Friendships that never would have been, if I hadn't been in the picture. My sister would either be an only child, or perhaps the oldest (rather than the youngest), which would change a number of things in her life. I'm not sure that I can prove it, but I like to think that I have somehow brightened the lives of the people I went to school with, both high school and college. I can name at least a few people who's lives I've impacted in a very large way. All these people would have slightly different lives than they do now, if they had never interacted with me.

I was told that friends would come out of the woodwork when I needed them, and indeed, they did. I received emails and phone calls this past year from close friends I hadn't talked with in a while, from people I consider friends but whom I don't know very well, and from people who barely knew me or didn't know me at all. Yesterday, when I picked up my kids from day care, I found in their mailbox a small manilla envelope, containing a paperback book. It was from a day care dad, a man I know in passing, and see either at day care, or ocassionally around the college campus where we both work. A very nice man, and we've held a few short conversations, but I know barely anything about him. He wrote an inscription inside the cover of the book that essentially said he felt like he had gotten to know me quite well through this blog, and that he has been inspired by how I have moved through my challenges. He also said that this particular book, by Thich Nhat Hanh, helped him through a somewhat challenging time in his life, and he now wanted to share it with me. I can barely put into words how touched I am by this simple act of kindness.

I will probably continue to curiously wonder from time to time how the world would be functioning differently if I never had existed. But I never again will wonder if I am as loved as George Bailey. At the very end of the movie, as the townspeople are randomly dropping dollar bills into a basket in the Bailey living room, George's brother Harry arrives. Outwardly, Harry seems to be more successful than George. George put his travel dreams on hold when their dad died, and took over the family business, giving his college savings to Harry. Harry goes to college, then to war and becomes a hero by shooting down enemy planes before they can strike. Lots of American lives were saved because of Harry's actions. Harry got to see the world. George stayed behind. He gave up lots of what he wanted to do in life and watched as others around him went off and became "successful." But in the midst of a crowded living room, as the accountant is calculating how many donations have come in, Harry raises a glass to his big brother. "To George Bailey. The richest man in town!"

That's when I cry. It's taken me almost an entire year to realize that I am George Bailey, standing in the living room, watching people come from far and wide to help however they can. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for everyone who has been in my life. I am surrounded every day by riches, and I couldn't be happier.

School AHA

I went to my son's school today and watched his class do a presentation on Colonial times. The class has about 24 kids in it, and they all lined one side of the classroom, holding their matching folders and facing the audience of parents. Each had a line or two about what it was like to live in Colonial times and how people used to do things differently than we do now. My son talked about food and how their main staple was corn. He listed 5 or 6 different ways they used and ate corn, then whispered "That's a lot of corn!" when his scripted speech was done. That made me laugh.

At the end of the presentation, the teacher invited the audience to join in singing some traditional Christmas carols. Although the class didn't seem too keen on singing in public, they collectively did a good job. My daughter was sure to point out to me, though, that her brother's lips were not moving. The teacher then thanked everyone for coming and offered us gingerbread and apple cider. As we ate some cake, my son showed me around the room and to his desk where he had a few projects the class had made together. One was a laminated placemat that was made to look like a woven mat and had a pineapple painted on it. He also made 2 ornaments, one from a cinnamon dough (that smelled REALLY good) and the other was created using a stencil to punch a shape into aluminum foil. He also brought us out into the hallway to show off his construction paper wreath hanging just outside the classroom door. He was obviously very proud of these, and I am very proud as well.

I do not remember much of what life was like in elementary school. I don't think I had a particularly bad run, I just can't recall very many things that are extremely memorable. I enjoy seeing my son, who's in 4th grade, interact with his friends and show off his projects because I can tell that he takes pride in the things he does. He likes introducing me and his Dad to that aspect of his life. That gives me great pride and AHA.

The Christmas Spirit of AHA

This weekend was filled with lots of little moments of everyday AHA. My oldest had a basketball game, and it made me proud to watch him play and think about how much he had improved from his first season, when he was about 6 and all the kids ran up and down the court with their arms in the air and the coaches were yelling "Cover your guy!!! Cover your guy!!" Now, he actually knows the difference between offense and defense and knows when to block and when to shoot. It's pretty impressive watching a group of 9 and 10-year-olds who know (sort of) what they're doing. I don't know the first rule about basketball, other than put the ball in the other team's net. My son impresses and amazes me everyday with the things he learns and knows. He makes me so very proud.

After the game, I packed up the kids and drove to my parent's house for our Christmas celebration with them. It's early, I know, but it's so much easier to spread the celebration over a number of days rather than scurry around trying to see both sides of the family in one day. Typically, we do Christmas morning at the house, then see some of the Percival family in the afternoon, and inevitably - because they live further away - we celebrate with the DeForest family, my family, either a few days before or after December 25. And that's worked well. That way, we get a little more time with each side. We opened gifts with my parents, my sister and her 2 boys and all 5 kids had a fabulous time. It's so great to watch kids open gifts.

My oldest, when he was first learning the skill of opening gifts, would slowly tear the paper from the gift one strip at a time. His father swears he got this from my family. His second Christmas, when he could actually open gifts by himself, I thought all 3 Percival siblings' heads were going to explode because he just would not move fast enough for them! It was a very painstaking, particular process that took him a very long time to complete. (He's gotten much faster over the years, by the way.) My daughter, on the other hand, now she is definitely a Percival kind of gift opener. She literally had the rip and throw technique down in no time. You know- rip the paper from the gift, throw it over your shoulder in one fell swoop and rip another bit of paper from the gift, then throw that one, repeat until there is a pile of paper behind you and none on the gift. She only needed to be shown once how to open. It was all over after that. Now, my third child is also kind of a rip and throw type of opener, but he also has to have his hands in everything. So not only will he open his gifts, but he likes to see what everyone else has gotten and will be more than happy to help open if they're too slow (another Percival trait).

So anyway, back to my parent's house... watching 5 kids between the ages of 2 and 9 open gifts and throw paper all over the living room was quite amusing. There was one or two gift mix-ups when we had to return the newly opened present to it's rightful owner, but overall they all did a great job. Then came the interaction. My youngest was fascinated with the puzzle that made animal noises every time a piece was put in place (thanks, Sis!), my two nephews got busy right away drawing with their new markers and drawing pads, my daughter was enamored with the Jessie and Bullseye dolls she received, and my oldest was quick to put together the little Lego robots. My favorite gift received by my kids is a book called something like, "Answers to all of Life's Questions" or "Every Answer You Need to Know" or something like that. Whatever it is, it boasts being able to answer a whole ton of questions asked my kids, which is what I need, given some of the questions that come from my children's minds! Good stuff.

The next day, we attended a holiday party at my sister's in-laws' house. This was a family gathering with lots of cousins and grandkids... and us. Didn't really know anyone, save for the parents-in-law and two cousins who were in my sister's wedding. I thought it was nice for them to invite us, and it was fun to chat with some of the adults and watch all the kids play together. Then, Santa showed up! The kids were slightly apprehensive but excited that Santa had come to the party, and he even had a sack of toys with him! He passed out toys to all the kids, including mine, which I thought was -very- nice (since I didn't buy the gifts and didn't know Santa was going to be there). My son, who was the oldest of the "little kids" was slightly bummed that the "real" grandkids each got the 2010 Holiday Hess truck (the one with a jet on the back) and he got a MadLibs pad. I tried explaining to him (without ruining the Santa facade) that it was nice he got a present because this wasn't our family and Santa didn't really have to bring him anything right now. He seemed content enough with that explanation and was happy to play with his cousin's truck for a bit. *Whew!*

9 is tough age, I think, when it comes to Santa. My son is extremely logical and smart, and I would be completely amiss to think that he doesn't have some sort of clue that Santa is not a real person. Although I've never said it, and both their Dad and I have agreed that the Santa legend will live on as long as possible, I'm pretty sure that if my son doesn't have it figured out by now, he most certainly will by next year. But I've got my refutes ready! Santa may not be a real person, but the spirit is what counts, which is why we buy gifts for others, and donate to those less fortunate than us, and make gifts and cards to give to friends... and the spirit of Christmas is one that can last all year long. I don't like using Santa as a threat when the kids aren't behaving, because I think that sort of defeats the purpose of learning about the Christmas spirit. We've tried to instill that giving and being nice and generous is what Christmas is about. Santa is just an added bonus. But the coolest thing about my son figuring out the whole Santa scheme is... I think he'll keep it going for his siblings. He's the kind of kid who would help me wrap a present and tell his little sister that it really is from Santa. Heck, with his imagination, he will probably be able to come up with scenarios that I never thought of! I hope that his belief in Santa never dies, but a part of me is looking forward to seeing how he can help it continue with other little kids, even after he's figured it all out. Believing in Santa is AHA. My ex believes with all his heart, and I'd be surprised if I ever hear the words "Santa is not real" from him. I'm hoping my son (and subsequently the other 2 kids) will be that way as well.

A Lesson from CSI

CSI has been one of my favorite shows since it began in 2000. For years, I have watched it religiously, getting quite upset if I had to miss an episode. This year I haven't watched it much. I've spent many nights focusing on other things and haven't really turned the TV on much at all. Tonight, I decided to watch it again.

In case you don't watch it, let me quickly introduce a few of the main characters: Crime Scene Investigators Ray Langston, Nick Stokes, Catherine Willows and coroner Dr. Al Robbins. Bad guy Nate Haskell is a serial killer who is behind bars but still wreaking havoc.

Of course, like any TV show, everything is overdramatized, and once in a while I get sucked in to the plot and the characters. I've cried on more than one occasion when someone has died or come close to it, or when a character has left the show. Tonight's episode was apparently a pick up of last season's finale. I caught a few of the "previously on CSI..." clips, one of which showed Nick Stokes in some building with another officer. Stokes tells the officer to check something out, and the officer ends up getting shot. Also, Ray Langston has gone to the jail to speak with Nate Haskell. Before their meeting is over, Langston turns his back on Haskell and is stabbed. Last season's finale (I concluded) ended with Langston lying on the floor outside Haskell's jail cell in a pool of blood.

I was attempting to put more water in the fish tank and I stood in the middle of the living room, full pitcher of water in hand at chest level, staring at the TV with my mouth gaping open at the clips of Langston getting stabbed. I yelled at the TV. "Langston! NO!!! LANGSTON!" (I never yell at the TV.) Tonight's episode opened with a funeral, and a photograph of a young African-American soldier. Assuming it was Langston, I cried. I almost dropped the pitcher of water I was holding. I yelled at the TV some more. The officer who had been with Stokes and shot was also African-American and it turned out to be his funeral, not Ray Langston's. I still cried, but was a bit relieved. Langston lived, and was recovering in a hospital bed, but he had lost a kidney.

Fast forward to the end of the show. Dr. Robbins (who lost both legs in a car accident, in real life and on the show) came to visit Langston and brought him a finely sculpted cane. Then, Doc talks about how when he lost his legs some of his dreams had to change. "I can never dance like Fred Astaire and my jump shot lost a little," he tells Langston. Langston retorts with a comment about never being a kidney donor, and is visibly upset. Doc then says, "But I dance with my wife, and shoot hoops once a week. No matter how much we think we can control in life, there will always be this much we don't have control over. When you can accept that, you can move on." They embrace and both cry.

That line really caught my attention. I don't like being not in control of things. I have been very much not in control of many things this year. But I have learned that in order to move on from being depressed, sad, or regretful about the situations I find myself in, I have to accept that I cannot control everything in life. I have to take ownership of the things I can control and make the most of my own actions in order to improve my circumstances. Moving on is one of the most important tasks in life, because that's how we learn and grow and become better people. So thanks, Doc Robbins, for reminding me of an important lesson of life and for the AHA.

Snowblowing Bliss

Ok, I admit that this might not be the biggest accomplishment ever, but I'm pretty proud of it. Tonight, I used a snowblower. For the first time in my life, I used the snowblower instead of shoveling! My oldest wanted to shovel, so of course I let him clean off the front porch while I blew out the driveway. It was surprisingly easy, and almost fun. (I enjoy spring and summer gardening much better than winter snowblowing, just for the record.)

This is a huge accomplishment to me, just for the fact that I can add one more thing to my ever-growing repertoire of stuff I know how to do and can do by myself! Of course, I had a little help in figuring out how to use the darn thing, but once I got the hang of it, it was easy! This has been a learning year, if nothing else, and I have discovered that I can do quite a few "handy" things around the house if I put my mind to it and get a little advice beforehand. And each time I complete something new, my confidence level goes up and I'm not so scared to try something else the next time. I'm beginning to love this cycle.

So, no deep down philosophical introspections, mainly because I'm simply tired out. But I'll go to sleep tonight with a clean(er) driveway and a smile on my face knowing I did it myself.

The AHA of Gut-Wrenching Laughter

December tends to be a very busy month, evident by the fact that I have fallen way behind in recording my moments of AHA. This weekend, however, was once again filled with good friends, tons of laughs and endless AHA.

I went to a Creative Memories consultant scrapbook retreat, which in and of itself is AHA because I love looking at and creating with my photos, but don't always get much time to do it. So looking forward to 3 (almost) full days of nothing but scrapbooking was thrilling to me! A good friend of mine had come up from Florida just for this occasion, and I was really excited to see her. I know the other 15 or so women who were attending, but I don't know any of them very well and they don't know that much about me. We are all consultants together, and are on the same team, yet there's still a big gap between knowing who someone is and really knowing them.

I can't get into specific details (partly because the stories are too crazy, and partly because I can't even remember all of the stories), but the conversations that arise from a group of women who spend hours and hours together are mind-blowing! The laughs started right away Friday night and the giggles got worse as the hours rolled on. By 11:00 or so, all 9 or 10 of us in the room were laughing so hard we were crying and could barely breathe! I finally made myself go to bed, only because my head cold was starting to get the best of me and I literally could not breathe through my nose (which was really beginning to get annoying). I knew I needed some sleep in order to make it through the rest of the weekend. If that's what Friday was like, there was no way I was going to miss Saturday and Sunday!

I slept in a bit on Saturday, which was very much needed, and had some nice conversations over a delicious breakfast, before showering and hitting the books again. A few more women showed up to scrap with us for the day. We immediately started recycling some of the jokes that had us crying the night before, and in explaining them to those who were absent, they became that much funnier! Some new jokes arose, as well, and the ridiculous conversations ensued. I think it was kind of a miracle that any of us got anything done at all, really. We spent so much time laughing and circling the jokes around and around, we continued to disrupt each other over and over again. By late Saturday evening, my gut began to hurt. My abs haven't had that much of a workout in quite a long time!

Saturday night was the worst. As it got later and later, we all got giddier and giddier. The giggles set in and would not go away! A few of the girls got laughing so hard they couldn't even tell the story they were trying to tell, which made the rest of us laugh even more! By the time we all dragged ourselves up to bed, it was well after 1am. 5 of us were in one room together, and although we did our best to get to bed and go to sleep, we all had the giggles so badly it didn't matter what anyone did, it was funny! One of the women had left little soaps as gifts for everyone, and as someone was reading the label, she discovered on the back it said, "Keep soap dry." She neglected to tell us that the full sentence was "Keep soap dry when not in use" but the concept of keeping our soaps dry was enough to launch another fit of giggles. Our hostess turned on a sound machine to try to lull us to sleep, but in scrolling through the 4 different sounds, it made us laugh even more. One sound was of the ocean, I think, with seagulls, but the seagull noises didn't really sound like seagulls, nor were they soothing. What was suppose to be seagulls sounded more like someone drowning, and each time a wave would crash, we heard a faint "help... help!" This sent us into a fit of laughter almost worse than anything else thus far. Each time we started to calm down and there was a moment of silence in the room, someone would quietly whisper, "help... help!" and the room would erupt once again. I finally managed to fall asleep with an aching gut, a huge smile on my face and a hundred funny stories running around my head.

When I finally got out of bed Sunday morning, the house was quiet. I showered and made my way down to the basement where the scrap room was. As I entered, someone made the comment to me, "Good morning! Looks like you showered. Did you keep your soap dry?" to which the room exploded with laughter. Sunday was slightly less boisterous than Saturday, but still lots of fun with added jokes and laughter. All in all, when I packed up around 4pm, I had caught up my 2010 digital Happiness Project book, scrapped two pages in my traditional album, and made between 10 and 20 cards. I also sat down with the Director of our group to discuss some of my goals and plan how CM can help get me there. We shared some ideas with one another and made a basic business model that I can use to help boost my business and keep my focus. But the best benefit was getting to know these ladies better, and hearing them say to me, "I'm so glad you came! I don't really know you and it was so much fun to hang out this weekend." Knowing that I truly fit into the group, and making my presence known by cracking my own jokes and creating a few laughs, gave me a huge sense of AHA. Acceptance means the world to me, and making others happy brings me endless happiness! I could not have had a better, AHA-filled weekend!

My Mission Statement

Every major company, and most not-so-major ones, have mission statements- what it is they hope to accomplish by existing. Each person should have a mission statement, too. What is it you hope to do with your life? What do you hope to accomplish? I have been considering this concept for a bit, and am going to attempt to put into words what I want to get out of life as well as what I have to offer.

I want to give all I can, all the time. I want to see the positive side of things, and remember that although sometimes it seems my life is falling apart, it is actually falling together. I will remember that nothing will ruin my life forever, and most of the time the things that stress me out the most don't need to be all that stressful. I choose to not be a victim of the circumstances of my life. Instead I choose to overcome the obstacles and challenges that are put before me, learn from them, and make myself a better person because of those challenges. I will be the best possible parent I can be to my kids and the best possible friend I can be to those who need me. I will love my family, kids and friends unconditionally and will do anything I can for them. I will do my best to emulate the good I see in others. I do not expect everything in life to be easy or perfect, and I will do my best to make the best of each situation. I understand that I will not live up to these expectations every moment of every day. I will forgive myself for not being perfect, but will learn and grow from my mistakes. I will do my best to see myself as others see me and love myself as others love me.

My oldest son watched as I wrote this. He asked if I would ask him questions and write down the answers, and I said of course. (Anything to get inside the mind of my kids!) So, I described to him the concept of a mission statement, and asked him what his personal mission statement would be- what kind of person does he want to be, how does he want to live his life and how would he want people to describe him? Kind of deep-seeded stuff for a 9-year-old, but with some coaching, I got the following answers:

"I want to be a good person by not being mean. I will be a good person by being nice to other people, by helping them with things they need help with and listening to them. Depending on what it is, I might like to help someone clean up. In school, the teachers like it when the kids listen to the rules. I want to be a friendly person. I want people to describe me as adventurous and very kind."

Not bad for a kid. I hope that I can help keep him on track of his mission statement, and help him change it as needed. And in the same way, I hope that my kids can help me keep on track with my mission statement and help me remember why it is that I have to be a positive influence on them and others. I think we've all done a pretty good job so far.