Being Uncomfortable

I, like many people, tend to live within a comfort zone.  I am also a creature of habit, and don't often like to stray too far away from the things I am familiar with.  However, I have learned (and am continuing to learn) that life cannot be fully appreciated and lived within the confines of our comfortable space.  Being a bit uncomfortable is often times how we grow and discover, how we learn and improve ourselves.

Sometimes being uncomfortable means facing something or someone you don't like or don't want to face.  Sometimes it means facing yourself to discover a new perspective or attitude.  Sometimes it means changing up your environment, like finding new uplifting friends or getting a different job.  Sometimes being uncomfortable can mean making a new path for yourself, even though you may not really know what you're doing.  I truly believe that if there is something in your life you don't like or don't agree with, you have the power to somehow change it.  You just have to face it, maybe get a little uncomfortable, and stick to what you believe is best for you.

Even when the discomfort stems from the actions of others, I believe we can have some bit of control.  We can control how we react.  We don't need to let their cards determine how we play our hand.  Sometimes people make us uncomfortable on purpose, just to start a fight.  Or just to make us look bad.  Or just to upset us.  How we react to that is our choice.  We cannot control the actions and words of others, but we should also not let the actions and words of others control us.

Sometimes, I think people get uncomfortable because we can't always determine the outcome of our own actions.  We want to stay in our comfortable box because we can usually tell what results our comfortable behavior will yield.  To wander away from that comfortable behavior and have the unknown lie ahead of us... well, I think it's daunting to many people (myself included).  But there comes a point in everyone's life (probably many points, actually) when we have to plan as best we can, close our eyes, hope for the best and jump into the discomfort of the unknown.  We may be surprised at how quickly we can become comfortable again, or how little discomfort we experienced in the first place.  And chances are pretty high that we will have learned something along the way.

It made me very uncomfortable to think that I was not "good enough" for someone, or that my attitude and actions caused so much of my own stress and unhappiness.  But upon looking at myself - really, deeply looking at myself - I found that there were indeed many things that I could improve and that improving these things, even just a little, gave me a new, more positive outlook and perspective.  I had thought that I was happy in many respects, but I realize now that I am happier today than I was for many years.  I had to take some big strides outside of that beloved comfort zone in order to come to that conclusion.  And I don't regret that.  Any time you can grow, learn, change, improve or discover, the end result usually far outweighs the inconvenience of being uncomfortable.

Remember, Forgive, Stay Strong

*This IS my personal writing.  I welcome anyone who would like to share, but please do so with the proper credit.  Thank you.*

"I believe that a world of difference comes from the small actions that people take every day.  I encourage everyone to do a good deed or make some contribution in honor of the victims and their familes.  It may be too late to change the whole world, but it's not too late to keep America.  Love to all, Kate"

"To The Terrorists:

I have so many emotions inside, so many awful things to say to you.  There are not enough bad words in any language to define you and the act that you did.  You killed many people; too many innocent people.  But you did not kill me.  

Thousands of families were torn apart, and thousands more felt their grief.  You may have killed my brothers and sisters, but you have not won, becuase you did not kill me.

In grief there is strength and learning.  As our country grieves, you will learn that we will not be defeated so easily.  Our grief may be overwhelming, but so is our strength.  If you could see our houses and storefronts, proudly waving our American flags, and hear our words of comfort for those we do not know, you would understand that you have not driven us apart, but you have cemented us together.  Why is this, you might ask?  Because you did not kill me.

People have come out in huge numbers to give blood, donate clothes, and volunteer in countless other ways.  This should show you that you have not killed the American spirit, because you did not kill me.

If war is what you wanted, war is what you may get, but you will not win.  We survived Pearl Harbor, and we will survive this.  Why? Because you did not kill me.

You infiltrated our airport security systems.  You undermined our confidence.  You destroyed lives.  You planned for months, maybe years, researching, watching and waiting.  You thought of every detail, but you forgot one thing.  You forgot to kill me.

And this is why you will not win this, or any other war.  We will not go down easy.  We will not go down without a fight. America as a nation will not be taken over.  You killed my brothers and sisters, but in your quest to take over our country, you forgot to kill me."

KDP

I wrote this very shortly after the 9/11 attacks in 2001.  Like so many others, I was angered, disgusted, confused and saddened as to why anyone would do this.  I went to college with a guy who was at work in one of the towers that day, and killed.  I did not run out and join the military.  I didn't start any political movements.  I stayed in my little bubble, and my life generally remained untouched.  

However my perspective changed.  A group of friends and I started a memorial fund for our college classmate.  We raised, I think $1200, and was able to purchase a memorial bench in his name that sits outside of the music building on our college campus, where he spent much of his time.  I am proud of that.  And every time I think of him, and all of the other victims, I want to do more little bits of good to help keep America strong.  

I support our troops 100%.  I could never be in the military.  Never once wanted to be.  But I admire and respect those who do.  However, I don't always think that war is the answer.  Sometimes it's a more difficult road to travel, but sometimes compassion, love and understanding can take us much further than anger, hate and war.  Even when we think the latter is a better choice.  

I'm not as angry anymore.  I'm angry and disgusted that it had to happen, absolutely.  But in order to be at peace with ourselves, we need to be able to forgive those who have hurt us.  One thing I have definitely learned in the past few years is that a positive change can affect many other people and events.  Positivity breeds positivity, and the butterfly effect can be an amazing thing.  Little positive changes from lots of people can lead to some pretty hefty results.  So long as we are still alive to make those changes, we can keep each other strong.

Let's all think about that as we pray for the victims of this terrible event.  Let's remember them with happiness for the lives they had, and the lives they touched.  Pray that those who feel it's necessary to kill others may find peace within themselves.  Pray that no country may again endure what so many have already endured.  Pray that we may all be strong enough to make small positive changes that carry on to many others.  Pray that our children may learn from our compassion and love, and be able to share those traits with others as they grow up.  Pray that we may one day be able to embrace our differences, and peacefully exist as one human race.  Namaste.

Kindergarten

Holy. Smokes.  My baby girl, my little Peanut, starts Kindergarten today.  Kindergarten!  Holy. Smokes.

She'll have the same teacher as her big brother had 5 years ago, and he's been great about talking up the whole Kindergarten thing.  "You'll love the teacher, she's so nice and fun.  You get to play outside and read books and paint and go to the library and learn music and...."  I'm not quite sure if he's actually that excited about school, but he puts on a good show for his baby sis.  I hope that little Peanut loves school as much as Big Bro.


One of my favorite books is Robert Fulghum's "All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten."  Great book.  If you've never read it, I highly suggest it.  In fact, I haven't read it in a very long time, and should do so again.  I tried to get my 10-year-old to read it the other day, but he wouldn't go for it.  I think he thought it looked like a boring book, and maybe for a 10-year-old it would be.  (Like I said, it's been a long time.)  I do remember that it had some funny anecdotes and some really thought-provoking things.  It sort of helped change my perspective on how to look at things... and I think the last time I read it I was in either college or high school.

"Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. "

Life really can be broken down into very simple elements.  Yes, there are complicated aspects to it, but if you really think about it, life is very simple.  If we don't do our best to live a balanced life, things start to go awry.  If we think too much, we get boring.  If we play too much, we're not responsible.  But if we do a little of both, things are ok.

"Play fair. Don't hit people. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody."

Simple rules.  Self-explanatory.  I mean, really.  Think about all the problems that just wouldn't exist if everyone followed these three simple things.

"Share everything. Don't take things that aren't yours. Put things back where you found them."

Whether it be toys, books, food, lessons learned, money.... everyone can benefit when things are shared.  If you were out of something that you needed, wouldn't you want someone to share with you?  So why shouldn't we share with others?  Each year at Christmastime, I try to do Toys for Tots or some similar donation.  I explain to the kids that there are children who don't get toys for Christmas like we do.  This has also led to the kids wanting to have a yard sale ("so maybe someone else will play with the toys we don't want anymore") and offering to give away their outgrown clothes.  It's truly amazing to me what little effort it can take to foster some big ideas. 

"Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School."

We are a credential-happy society, I think.  We need to go to college and graduate with a degree.  A simple piece of paper with just a few sentences on it that is suppose to tell everyone else how smart we are.  Whatever.  I believe that anyone can have knowledge and wisdom, and they don't need to sit in a classroom to get it.  Those who get out to explore the world can be just as smart than those who have spent half their lives getting degrees.  Please, take no offense to this!  I do not dispute or frown upon those who want to sit in a classroom and get degrees.  There is definitely merit in that.  We have to find a nice balance of the book smart and the street smart.  Just because you have one, doesn't necessarily mean you have the other.  Find the balance.

"And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world it is best to hold hands and stick together."

No one can take on everything alone.  We all need support, a network, friends, someone to hold hands with.  Even if that someone can't resolve our issues, it's nice to know that there are people who have your back in times of need.  And it's equally as nice to know that we can be that supportive someone for another person when they need it most.  That is the circle of life.  Very simple.  Pretty self-explanatory.  Easy to follow.  So the question becomes... why don't we?  May you always remember the lessons we all learned in Kindergarten.  And may you always remember to practice them.  

Placing Unnecessary Blame

Lately, I have found myself easily falling into "The Pit."  The pit that is my nemesis- that which eats away at my confidence and spirals me downward.  I very much dislike that feeling.  Especially since I believe that I've made quite a bit of personal progress in moving upward and building my confidence.

Then I realized why.  I place blame unnecessarily.  Usually on myself.  If I think that I perceive that someone is the least bit unhappy, I immediately try to figure out what I did wrong, or how I can make things better.  This is not (obviously) a good solution, however I find myself doing it often.  So, I've decided now that I have identified this problem, I need to find a fast, reliable way to fix it.  In other words, I need to stop placing blame.  Since I'm so good at finding reasons why I deserve the blame (for whatever situation), it's not easy for me to go in the opposite direction and ignore that tendency.

To battle this trigger-happy reaction, I've found that I just need to keep a few simple things at the forefront of my mind.

• Tell myself why I am good enough, instead of why I'm not.  It may sound like a Jack Handy skit from the old days of Saturday Night Live, but seriously.... "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!"  Yes, it's corny, but it is true.  And I know it's true, I just find ways to negate it.  So I squash those negative thoughts like a bug, and tell myself over and over that I'm doing the best I can, I'm a good mom, I'm a good partner, I'm the best I can be and I'll always be improving (or whatever similar words fit the particular situation).
• Keep my head held high.  While I'm telling myself that I'm not a terrible (fill in the blank), I have to also continuously tell myself to keep my head up.  Physically.  Look up.  Stand up straight.  Tip my chin back just a bit.  Keep my head held high, and know that I am doing the best I can.  If I'm holding my head up, it's more difficult for me to chop myself down.
• Look again at what happened.  Whatever situation I find myself in where I am questioning myself, I replay things in my head.  Usually I'm thinking, "Wow, screwed that up!" or "Stupidhead, should have done that differently" or something similar.  This thinking is somewhat unproductive.  However, I can replay the situation to assess what I did do well, and in what areas I could have reacted differently.  There are definitely instances which could have been played out better.  But at the same time, I often find myself questioning my actions, when I didn't really do anything "bad" in the first place.  I've trained myself to see the negative aspect of things or to downplay my decisions.  I'm in the process of breaking that habit and teaching myself to appreciate that I do handle myself well (most of the time).  

I can't expect to be able to "read" everyone correctly all the time.  Quite often I find myself thinking that someone is upset (thinking that they are specifically upset with me) when they're not upset at all.  People act differently when they are in a really good mood, or when something is bothering them.  Just because something is bothering someone doesn't automatically make it my fault.  Just because something is bothering someone is not a reason for me to be upset with them.  If I truly have done something to upset someone and they don't tell me, I can't beat myself up for not knowing that I upset them!  

No one is a mind reader, yet too often people expect others to know what they are thinking or feeling.  This was a huge detriment in my previous relationship.  It can be a huge detriment in any relationship - spouse, kids, parents, friends.  I have come to accept that I cannot read other people's minds, and I have come to accept that other people cannot read my mind.  There must be communication.  So until I hear otherwise, I'll continue to assess any situation in a positive way, hold my head high and tell myself that I really am doing a good job.