Stressed Out

Let's just put this right out there... Stress sucks. It's also a part of life, albeit not a very enjoyable part. We all handle stress differently, and there are decent ways to deal with it and less than decent ways. It's said that one can assess what kind of person someone is by looking at how that person deals with stressful situations. I think this is fairly accurate, however I do believe that sometimes even the most even-keeled, most pleasant people can get pushed over the line.

Everyone has a breaking point. For some, it takes quite a lot to get there. I have a handful of friends whom I have never seen angry. I've seen them upset, but not to the point of "get away from me or I'll kill you" angry. It has taken me a long number of years to learn to calm myself down and to extend my breaking point. I used to be one of those "get away from me or I'll kill you" kind of people quite easily. I've never taken meditation or anger management or anything of that nature, but I believe becoming a parent helped a lot in forcing me to step back and reassess the importance of a stressful situation. I didn't want to pass my bad habits on to my kids, so I had to look very carefully at what they were/are seeing in me. Unfortunately, simply being a parent doesn't always solve the issue of how one deals with stress. I'm certainly no expert, but I like to think that along the way, I may have picked up a few good tips.

1. Breathe. Funny how the most obvious answer seems to escape the majority of the population when it comes to stressing out. We seem to want to jump in and immediately react. Human nature, I suppose. But if we take a few moments to breathe - remember the old "count to 10" rule? - we can better focus on what exactly the issue is and how to resolve it. 

2. Choose carefully.

It's sometimes difficult to truly understand this, but every thing we do is a choice. Do we get ourselves to work on time? Do we feed our families healthy food or junk? How do we behave toward that person we really don't like? Should we dress in jeans or shorts or dress slacks? Sometimes choosing one thing or one thought over another is easy. Sometimes it's habit or subconscious. And sometimes it takes a LOT of effort to choose wisely. Stress is simply caused by us losing control. Choosing the appropriate thoughts to overcome that loss of control definitely takes practice, but is possible to do. 

3. Smile.

This may seem counterintuitive, but I believe one of the best weapons we have against any adversity is to just smile (and breathe, they kind of go hand in hand). I can barely remember what I was doing yesterday, let alone what I was stressing out about a year ago. And that's a good thing! Stress comes, but it also goes away. Most of the time the things that we lose control over, the things that have us super hyper focused for that moment, don't matter for too long. Most of the time, a day, a week, a year, even a few hours after we got all stressed out, the worry has subsided, if not disappeared. Perhaps the situation was resolved. Perhaps it really wasn't such a big deal. Perhaps we just moved on with our life and found something else to think about and focus on. Smile, breathe, do what needs to be done, and continue moving forward. 

4. Focus on the now. What can be done? What steps can we take to help move the issue towards resolution? If it's not our direct problem, how can we comfort someone who is being affected? Giving advice may be helpful, but sometimes just being there for someone is more important. I admire one Very Dear Friend of mine very much, because (for one of many reasons) no matter what I rant to him about, he doesn't ask for details. He simply says, "I'm here for you," provides what suggestions he can, and asks me what he can do. Many people, me included, want to know the intricacies of what someone else's problem is. Getting all the juicy details doesn't always make a difference. Figuring out how we can react and what can be done to help the situation is much more progressive. 

5. Don't give up.

If you wake up in the morning, you've made it to another day. Whatever it was that felt like it was going to kill you yesterday, didn't. That means we can move ahead, consider how to deal with whatever we will face today, and continue to plow forward. I do believe whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 

Think. Breathe. Smile. Focus. And no matter what keep moving forward. Stress is just a bump in the road. We can't let it stop us. 

The best/worst year

I collect quotes. Actually, when it comes to finding inspirational quotes, I'm more like a hoarder. I look for them, seek them out, record them, memorize them, and bring them out when appropriate. Quotes have helped me learn about myself and have helped me face difficult times. 

Recently, I had this particular quote pop up in the "On this day" feature on Facebook, reminding me that it was posted as my status on May 10, 2010. "Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow." 

2010 was the absolute worst and simultaneously one of the best years of my life. It was the year I got divorced. It was the year my life was shaken around and everything that I thought I had wrapped up in a neat bundle secured with a pretty little bow was torn apart and thrown out the window. It was the year I essentially had to start over, and rediscovered who I was, and who I wanted to be. 

"Give thanks for what you are now..."

At times during that year it was difficult to see exactly why I should be thankful. I had thought our marriage was going along pretty well. During our 11 years of marriage, my husband and I barely fought. I don't ever recall having a screaming match with him, or slamming doors in each other's faces, or anything of that sort. I had been thankful and proud of that, until I came to realize that actually contributed to our demise as a couple. After searching for the reason to "Why am I not good enough for him," I slowly began to understand that being good enough for him wasn't the issue; I had to start with being good enough for me. 

Being void of my husband stripped away a piece of my identity. Generally, I didn't like doing things or going places by myself. He was the more outgoing of the two of us; I was the more reserved and shy. Always chit chatting with whomever he happened to be around, running into someone he knew almost everywhere we went, it seemed like he was constantly making friends and talking with people. When it came to conversations, he was the main event, I was just a sideline act. Once that main act went missing, I had to fend for myself. I had no one to depend on to start up conversations or introduce me to others. At first, I wasn't thankful for that, because I was scared. Eventually, I learned to love that independence. I became thankful for the things I picked up on while watching him talk with others. And I became thankful that I am more extroverted than I thought. 

I had learned to need my husband, and I wasn't used to going very far out of my comfort zone. Why should I know how to snowblow the driveway or mow the lawn? He did those things. Even when I wanted to help with certain things, he wouldn't let me, so I gave up trying to learn. When I was faced with these new tasks on my own, I wasn't thankful because I was afraid I'd mess up. Afraid that I would fail. Afraid to learn new things. Eventually, I learned to embrace the new tasks and became thankful for the opportunities to learn and grow.

Suddenly being a single mom was scary, too. My 3 kids, aged 9, 4 and 2 at that time, were looking for answers, and at first I couldn't give them any. When they asked the typical question of "Why isn't Daddy staying at our house anymore?" I wanted to snap, "This is your father's idea, go ask him!" And I wasn't thankful for that, because I was angry and resentful. Eventually, I learned to love that independence, too. I grew as a mother, I learned on my own, and I'm teaching my kids the best way I know how. I'm not perfect, but I'm thankful that my kids see me as a strong woman. 

"...and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow."

My shortcomings were not specifically what led to my divorce, however I have come to realize that there are always opportunities to improve upon one's self. Even on our best days, we can better ourselves. Life is ever-changing, and we must be too. In 2010, I discovered - or should I say remembered - many many reasons to be thankful. I learned what I didn't want to be, and decided that no matter what, I needed to be happy. So that's what I decided to fight for. After throwing an epic pity party for myself that lasted a better part of the year, I managed to pull myself together, redefine who I was and build myself up to be better than I had ever been. 

Although it's been 5 and a half or so years since my post-divorce epiphany, my work on myself is not finished, nor should it ever be. We, as humans, cannot survive as static creatures. Every day we are learning, changing, evolving ever so slightly. This knowledge in and of itself has made it easier for me to fight for what I want to be. 

2010 made me see how rich and fortunate I truly am. Although a part of me wishes that some events had unfolded differently that year, I am thankful for all that I learned, and for the blessings that I'm surrounded by. We can always fight to better ourselves, there is always a reason to be thankful, and always something to be thankful for.

It takes a village

When I was in high school, I practically lived at my best friend's house. I got yelled at if I rang the doorbell rather than just walking in. I had my own bottle of regular Coke in their fridge, because they only drank diet, but I didn't. I knew where their silverware and plates were kept and helped myself to the snacks in their cupboard. I think I may have even had my own toothbrush at her house. I called her mom "Mama D," and if I was leaving my house, chances were pretty high that I'd end up at hers. 

My group of friends was fairly small, but very tight-knit. My parents knew the parents of my friends, and, more importantly, how to get in touch with them. We didn't have these fancy cell phones, so the threat of my mother calling my friend's mother was quite real, and there was nothing I could do to intervene that. I knew there'd be consequences if they found out that I wasn't where I said I would be. My friends and I were pretty predictable. We had our routines. Friday night after the football game, we'd go to Friendly's down the road from the high school. Saturday I'd probably hang out with one or two of my girlfriends. Saturday night, a friend that was a boy might pop over to my house unexpectedly, and I'd sneak out the back door after I thought my parents were asleep, to sit in the back yard and look at the stars while chatting with him. Sunday I'd talk on the phone all day with my best friend, or I would go to her house again. As much of a pain in the ass as I was (and I'm sure my parents won't disagree with that), I was kind of a goody-two-shoes. Afraid to bend the rules too far, for fear that I might break them. I was kind of boring. Didn't look too far for adventure, didn't wander too far off the beaten path. My parents (almost) always knew where I was.

Looking back, I can now appreciate how important that was, having my parents know where I was and who I was with. And now as the mother of a high school teenager, I see that importance ten-fold. 

I don't think parents connect as much as perhaps they used to. I think it's more commonplace to leave the plan-making up to the kids, saying things like, "Find out what his plans are," rather than saying, "Let me call her mother to find out," like my parents did. I'm not a big fan of helicopter parenting, and I want my kids to be able to do things for themselves. But I also understand the need to know where my child is and with whom. 

Much like I did, my son, who is a freshman in high school, has a fairly small, tight-knit group of music kids as friends. He spends quite a decent amount of time with one particular family, playing video games with his friend after school, attempting to study, staying for dinner and probably eating most of whatever is in their snack cupboards. I'm good friends with his parents, and they've told me numerous times that my son is welcome over any time. It was reported to me that one day when the mother returned home from work, my son greeted her with "Hi Mom!" It makes me very happy to know that he has a second home, as I did, and he feels as comfortable with that family as he does. 

Not too long ago, my son was having a very difficult time in school, and disappeared briefly. He got very upset, and just walked out after lunch. No one knew where he went. I was at work, and wouldn't have had any idea what was going on for hours, except his friend called me. He was very concerned. Attempting to stave off the panic mode, I called my ex-husband, explained the situation as calmly as I could, and immediately headed for home. My ex called the friend's father, and we all set out in a different direction searching for him. As I was aimlessly driving around, tears streaming down my face, trying to put myself in his head, it hit me that he doesn't have a "secret" hiding spot to sneak off to. There isn't a particular place that he likes to go to cool down. He doesn't have a favorite spot to chill out. Except his friend's house. If he's not there, where else would he be?

After 4 hours of being MIA from the school, he called me, heartbroken and tearful, with his tail tucked between his legs. He had walked about 10 miles south and was just outside a neighboring village. He said he just needed to think and calm down. I listed off a half dozen places much closer to home that he could have gone to escape, and reminded him that his best friend's family is one of the most caring, open families we know. "You could tell them anything under the sun and they're not going to judge you!" I exclaimed at him. "Plus," I added selfishly, "they'd let me know you were safe. Go there and hide next time."

In numerous ways throughout the years it has been proven to me that it does indeed take a village to raise a child. I'm glad that my children have others who help care for them, and I'm glad to be there for my friends' kids as well. In honor of Mother's Day, I say thank you, not only to my biological mom for putting up with all my teenage angst crap and helping me whenever I need it, but also to my best friend's mom for taking me in as your own, my ex-mother-in-law who helps me with the kids and has kept a very strong relationship with me, my aunt who treats me like a daughter and bestows lots of gift cards on me, my friends who act as mothers to my kids, and my friends who act as mothers to me when I really need it. We are all tied to one another and we're in this together. I love my village.

44

In late 1993, 5 friends gathered around a small kitchen table in an apartment in Oswego, NY, deliberating what organization would be best for their music department members to be a part of. As hard working, music loving college students, we were looking for some way to unite our beloved department. There seemed to be no flow, no continuity, nothing to tie music students together. For whatever reason, we, as a group, felt the department needed something more, and we were determined to find it. 

We reached out to Mu Beta Psi National Honorary Musical Fraternity, whose main focus is to share and help promote music within the respective universities and communities. It was honorary, which meant that academics were measured in the eligibility of brotherhood; it was national, which meant it had a history and strong support system; it was co-ed, which meant both men and women could join; and although a music major was not a requirement of brotherhood, each member had to be actively involved in the music department, which was the target audience we were looking for. Papers were signed, rules were explained, the ball started rolling, and before we knew it, in January 1994, there was a class of 26 people who were the Mu Beta Psi Nu Chapter Founding Fathers. 

I do not consider myself to be an activist of any kind. Given a choice, I generally prefer to be among the wallflowers rather than in the spotlight. However, that meeting in 1993 led to the biggest change of my life, and was catalyst for so many things yet to come. I was one of the 5 at the kitchen table. I helped make the whole thing happen.

For two solid years, Mu Beta Psi was pretty much my life. I was Service Coordinator the first semester that we were pledges, then Vice President for the 4 semesters following. By nature, I am (or at least I used to be) a fairly shy person, not looking for ways to interject myself into a new group of people. I was thrown into a leadership position, and had no idea the impact that it would have on me, or for that matter the impact that I would eventually have on others. At first, I grumbled (ok, bitched is more accurate) about having to wear a pledge pin, carry a pledge book and follow the rules to a T. Despite my quiet little hissy fits, I somehow knew I needed to stay a part of the group, so I did what was asked of me. Some of the professors within the department didn't believe in us. Quite a few, I think, actually. We had to work very hard to prove our worthiness, and even then, they were skeptical. Having females as President and Vice President for the first two years didn't really settle too well with the chairman of the department at that time. He much preferred to relay messages to us via the male members, whom he favored. The other Greek organizations didn't accept us as equal. We were considered the "music geeks" and that was not a good thing to most other people. We wanted to bring the members of the music department closer together, but we had to battle a lot of opposition to do so. 

In May 1996, the majority of the founding class was to graduate. A few of the Founders had already graduated and moved on, making a large, albeit brief impact on the newly formed fraternity. Being only 5 pledge classes old, leaving one sole Founding Father as the senior member of the group, and still facing many acceptance obstacles, the founding class was convinced that Nu chapter would wither up and die within the next few years. This was not a wish we had, but somehow the odds looked ominously against us. 

After my graduation that spring, I moved away, leaving behind my well-known college town, my beloved fraternity friends and my family, pursuing other life adventures out of state. I returned to NY in 1998, and ended up back in Oswego a year or two later, when my then-husband decided to take classes again at our alma mater. My hiatus from the fraternity ended the semester that he pledged. I jumped back in, and was as active as ever, despite the fact that we now had a newborn baby. My husband, my son, and I were all integral members for the next few years, with both of us serving as Assistant Pledge Master and Pledge Master at different times. New friends were born, new memories made. I was happy that after 6 years, our prediction of failure had been wrong. Our seedling had grown, and was starting to become more accepted by others. 

Life continued to move forward, and I had other more "adult" things to focus on, such as work and my family. Over the years, my involvement with the group waned, and diminished down to nothing. I kept in touch with some members, and occasionally heard through the grapevine what class they were on, or how many pledges they'd had that semester, but the fraternity as a whole faded off into the distance for me.

Fast forward to May 2016. My connection to Mu Beta Psi remains in the friendships that I made between 1994 and 2002. My knowledge of the current status or state of the fraternity is next to nil. A very dear friend who is still involved with the music department convinced me to attend the end of year formal banquet. He has kept tabs on the newer classes and has met a number of recent brothers. The fraternity went through a tumultuous period a few years ago, and the fear of failure came back to life. However my friend assures me that these are "a good bunch of kids" and that they have been working tirelessly to bring back the reputation that the Founders so badly fought for. So I agree to attend the banquet.

As soon as I entered the room, people knew who I was. My friend introduced me to numerous brothers, saying, "This is MY big, she's a founder." The response was, "Oh my god, I know! So happy to meet you!" I got the fan-girl treatment and felt briefly like a celebrity. I liked everyone I met and felt very comfortable with these much younger strangers. In speaking with a few of them, I could feel the passion, the dedication they had for this group. They were all very energetic, very happy to be with one another, and enthusiastic in talking about what they'd done or hope to do for the fraternity. 

Then it dawned on me. They just initiated the Alpha Upsilon class. Each pledge class is assigned a Greek letter, and AU means that our chapter has gone through the entire Greek alphabet once, and almost all the way through a second time. Nu Chapter has been alive for 22 years, and has initiated 44 pledge classes. FORTY-FOUR! That was unfathomable in 1996. Completely blown away by this newfound knowledge, I addressed the Brotherhood. I wish I could tell you what I said, but the adrenaline seering through my body was doing the talking. I think I told them that I am proud of the current Brothers for the energy and enthusiasm that they've shown, and the work that they've put into the group to make it not only survive, but thrive again. Some of the best and most dear friends I've ever made were born of this fraternity, and if each Brother can find the same kind of relationships that I've found, then the purpose of this fraternity has been fulfilled. 

To my Brothers from 1994-1996: 44 classes! We started that. It's because of our actions that this fraternity is changing people's lives, as it did ours. To the current Brotherhood: Keep the great energy flowing! Stay positive and strong. Know there are always Brothers around you willing to lend a hand in any way they can. To all Nu Chapter Brothers and Alumni: Thank you. Thank you for following what you believed in, even during the times that it may have seemed impossible. We have all been an extremely important piece in this chapter's history, and I am forever grateful to each of you. 

In Brotherhood and with Love,

Kate "Cat" DeForest

Founding Father, SP'96

Current Nu Chapter Brotherhood, 2016

Mu Beta Psi Nu Chapter 20 year reunion, 2014

Nu Chapter, Founders - Delta class, spring 1996