My Resolutions

I'm big into quotes. I can't always think of the right things to say or exactly how to express myself, but I can almost always find or remember some quote that fits the occasion perfectly. I've found and been presented with lots of quotes to help inspire and encourage me this year, as I've tried to find myself and define who it is I want to be. In my September 22 post, I offer a number of quotes that I have come to love. Some of them will resurface here, and I will add others, as I continue to collect inspiration from others.

I don't usually make resolutions, only because I know that the chances of me following through with them are slim to none. However, things have changed, and I have new reasons and motivations for setting really realistic goals AND carrying through to make sure I reach them. And, quotes are going to help me get there.

"Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared." ~Eddie Rickenbacher

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow." ~Mary Ann Radmacher

"Every day, in every way, life takes courage. Stay courageous, my friends." ~Redd Swindells

"We don't know how strong we can be until being strong is the only choice we have."

I don't like to show it, but I can be afraid of quite a lot. I don't always consider myself the strongest or most courageous person. But, I have learned that sometimes we can be our strongest when we least expect it. For the sake of myself as well as my kids, I know that I have to face quite a few of my fears head-on. I also know that I have the strength I need to face them. I resolve to not let my fears crush my spirit.

"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." ~Lao Tzu

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." ~Oprah Winfrey

I've spent too much of my life being envious of what others have. I have plenty to be thankful for, and I have no reason to want anything else. I am extremely fortunate. I resolve to keep my focus on the things that enrich my life every day.

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." ~Dalai Lama
"Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it."
"Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise."

I don't promise a whole lot. Ask my kids, they'll tell you that I refuse to promise anything. That's only because I don't want to promise something then not be able to follow through with it. But I love making people happy and I have promised friends, family and my kids again and again that if I am able to help, I will. And if I can make someone happier, just by talking with them or being with them, I will. This is a promise that I intend to never falter on. I resolve to do whatever I can to make others happy.

"Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you." ~Richard Bach
 "Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before."

I am surrounded by love every day. I am fortunate beyond words. I cannot pinpoint anything in particular that I did to attract people into my life, but I have met, befriended and love some of the most amazing people ever. I've been told this is because I am an amazing person. I don't think that I am any better than anyone else, but I hope to keep doing whatever it is I'm doing to keep the wonderful friends I have in my life. I resolve to love others the way that I have been loved.

And one more.

"There are no mistakes, only lessons. Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible." ~Cherie Carter-Scott
"He who conquers others is strong; He who conquers himself is mighty." ~Lao Tzu "

I have discovered a lot about myself this past year. I have come to appreciate some things, and change other things. I have learned that I am not perfect (well, I knew that already), but there are a lot of good things about me. I have come to appreciate some of the things that I had previously seen negatively. I have come to accept some things that I hadn't wanted to accept. And all these things, even the things I don't really like, make me a unique and beautiful person. I resolve to love myself the way that others love me.

So, there it is, out in the open for all to see, my New Year's resolutions. May 2011 be the best year yet!

I Discover George Bailey

For the past few years, I've watched "It's a Wonderful Life" while wrapping Christmas presents on Christmas Eve. This year, I introduced my 9-year-old to it. We didn't wrap presents, but sat on the couch together, and every so often I'd pause the movie to make sure he was caught up on the story line and was keeping the characters straight. It took us close to 3 hours to get through it, but it was worth it! He didn't fall asleep, he actually paid attention and kept up (for the most part) with what was going on, and at the end he said, "I really liked that movie."

Just in case you've never seen it, you should. Here's a brief synopsis: George Bailey dreams of leaving behind his little hometown and taking over the world. But life keeps getting in his way, and he ends up giving up many of his dreams to run the family business. A significant amount of money is misplaced, and it looks as though George will be forced into bankruptcy. He becomes very depressed and wishes he had never been born. Clarence the Angel is assigned to George in order to receive his wings. He grants George his wish, and takes him all over town to prove how different things would be with no George Bailey. George realizes how much he has to be grateful for and changes his whole attitude toward life. In the meantime, George's wife has called and telegramed a lot of people to let them know that George is in trouble. Money comes pouring in from people all over town, as well as some old school friends who have moved away. George comes home to a house full of people wishing him good cheer and offering to help him. And, yes, Clarence gets his wings.

Every year I watch this movie, and every year, I cry. And every year, I wonder how things would be different if I were never born (not in a morbid way, just out of curiosity) . And every year, I wonder what kind of an outpouring of support and love I would get if I really needed it. I don't wonder this any more. 2010 was the year in which I found out what a wonderful life I really have.

I'm not sure that I lead my life in the same manner as George Bailey, but first and foremost, if I was never around, neither would be my kids. That right there would alter a whole ton of people's lives. My then-boyfriend moved to Florida with me, and met a number of people who he's recently reconnected with on Facebook. Friendships that never would have been, if I hadn't been in the picture. My sister would either be an only child, or perhaps the oldest (rather than the youngest), which would change a number of things in her life. I'm not sure that I can prove it, but I like to think that I have somehow brightened the lives of the people I went to school with, both high school and college. I can name at least a few people who's lives I've impacted in a very large way. All these people would have slightly different lives than they do now, if they had never interacted with me.

I was told that friends would come out of the woodwork when I needed them, and indeed, they did. I received emails and phone calls this past year from close friends I hadn't talked with in a while, from people I consider friends but whom I don't know very well, and from people who barely knew me or didn't know me at all. Yesterday, when I picked up my kids from day care, I found in their mailbox a small manilla envelope, containing a paperback book. It was from a day care dad, a man I know in passing, and see either at day care, or ocassionally around the college campus where we both work. A very nice man, and we've held a few short conversations, but I know barely anything about him. He wrote an inscription inside the cover of the book that essentially said he felt like he had gotten to know me quite well through this blog, and that he has been inspired by how I have moved through my challenges. He also said that this particular book, by Thich Nhat Hanh, helped him through a somewhat challenging time in his life, and he now wanted to share it with me. I can barely put into words how touched I am by this simple act of kindness.

I will probably continue to curiously wonder from time to time how the world would be functioning differently if I never had existed. But I never again will wonder if I am as loved as George Bailey. At the very end of the movie, as the townspeople are randomly dropping dollar bills into a basket in the Bailey living room, George's brother Harry arrives. Outwardly, Harry seems to be more successful than George. George put his travel dreams on hold when their dad died, and took over the family business, giving his college savings to Harry. Harry goes to college, then to war and becomes a hero by shooting down enemy planes before they can strike. Lots of American lives were saved because of Harry's actions. Harry got to see the world. George stayed behind. He gave up lots of what he wanted to do in life and watched as others around him went off and became "successful." But in the midst of a crowded living room, as the accountant is calculating how many donations have come in, Harry raises a glass to his big brother. "To George Bailey. The richest man in town!"

That's when I cry. It's taken me almost an entire year to realize that I am George Bailey, standing in the living room, watching people come from far and wide to help however they can. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for everyone who has been in my life. I am surrounded every day by riches, and I couldn't be happier.

School AHA

I went to my son's school today and watched his class do a presentation on Colonial times. The class has about 24 kids in it, and they all lined one side of the classroom, holding their matching folders and facing the audience of parents. Each had a line or two about what it was like to live in Colonial times and how people used to do things differently than we do now. My son talked about food and how their main staple was corn. He listed 5 or 6 different ways they used and ate corn, then whispered "That's a lot of corn!" when his scripted speech was done. That made me laugh.

At the end of the presentation, the teacher invited the audience to join in singing some traditional Christmas carols. Although the class didn't seem too keen on singing in public, they collectively did a good job. My daughter was sure to point out to me, though, that her brother's lips were not moving. The teacher then thanked everyone for coming and offered us gingerbread and apple cider. As we ate some cake, my son showed me around the room and to his desk where he had a few projects the class had made together. One was a laminated placemat that was made to look like a woven mat and had a pineapple painted on it. He also made 2 ornaments, one from a cinnamon dough (that smelled REALLY good) and the other was created using a stencil to punch a shape into aluminum foil. He also brought us out into the hallway to show off his construction paper wreath hanging just outside the classroom door. He was obviously very proud of these, and I am very proud as well.

I do not remember much of what life was like in elementary school. I don't think I had a particularly bad run, I just can't recall very many things that are extremely memorable. I enjoy seeing my son, who's in 4th grade, interact with his friends and show off his projects because I can tell that he takes pride in the things he does. He likes introducing me and his Dad to that aspect of his life. That gives me great pride and AHA.

The Christmas Spirit of AHA

This weekend was filled with lots of little moments of everyday AHA. My oldest had a basketball game, and it made me proud to watch him play and think about how much he had improved from his first season, when he was about 6 and all the kids ran up and down the court with their arms in the air and the coaches were yelling "Cover your guy!!! Cover your guy!!" Now, he actually knows the difference between offense and defense and knows when to block and when to shoot. It's pretty impressive watching a group of 9 and 10-year-olds who know (sort of) what they're doing. I don't know the first rule about basketball, other than put the ball in the other team's net. My son impresses and amazes me everyday with the things he learns and knows. He makes me so very proud.

After the game, I packed up the kids and drove to my parent's house for our Christmas celebration with them. It's early, I know, but it's so much easier to spread the celebration over a number of days rather than scurry around trying to see both sides of the family in one day. Typically, we do Christmas morning at the house, then see some of the Percival family in the afternoon, and inevitably - because they live further away - we celebrate with the DeForest family, my family, either a few days before or after December 25. And that's worked well. That way, we get a little more time with each side. We opened gifts with my parents, my sister and her 2 boys and all 5 kids had a fabulous time. It's so great to watch kids open gifts.

My oldest, when he was first learning the skill of opening gifts, would slowly tear the paper from the gift one strip at a time. His father swears he got this from my family. His second Christmas, when he could actually open gifts by himself, I thought all 3 Percival siblings' heads were going to explode because he just would not move fast enough for them! It was a very painstaking, particular process that took him a very long time to complete. (He's gotten much faster over the years, by the way.) My daughter, on the other hand, now she is definitely a Percival kind of gift opener. She literally had the rip and throw technique down in no time. You know- rip the paper from the gift, throw it over your shoulder in one fell swoop and rip another bit of paper from the gift, then throw that one, repeat until there is a pile of paper behind you and none on the gift. She only needed to be shown once how to open. It was all over after that. Now, my third child is also kind of a rip and throw type of opener, but he also has to have his hands in everything. So not only will he open his gifts, but he likes to see what everyone else has gotten and will be more than happy to help open if they're too slow (another Percival trait).

So anyway, back to my parent's house... watching 5 kids between the ages of 2 and 9 open gifts and throw paper all over the living room was quite amusing. There was one or two gift mix-ups when we had to return the newly opened present to it's rightful owner, but overall they all did a great job. Then came the interaction. My youngest was fascinated with the puzzle that made animal noises every time a piece was put in place (thanks, Sis!), my two nephews got busy right away drawing with their new markers and drawing pads, my daughter was enamored with the Jessie and Bullseye dolls she received, and my oldest was quick to put together the little Lego robots. My favorite gift received by my kids is a book called something like, "Answers to all of Life's Questions" or "Every Answer You Need to Know" or something like that. Whatever it is, it boasts being able to answer a whole ton of questions asked my kids, which is what I need, given some of the questions that come from my children's minds! Good stuff.

The next day, we attended a holiday party at my sister's in-laws' house. This was a family gathering with lots of cousins and grandkids... and us. Didn't really know anyone, save for the parents-in-law and two cousins who were in my sister's wedding. I thought it was nice for them to invite us, and it was fun to chat with some of the adults and watch all the kids play together. Then, Santa showed up! The kids were slightly apprehensive but excited that Santa had come to the party, and he even had a sack of toys with him! He passed out toys to all the kids, including mine, which I thought was -very- nice (since I didn't buy the gifts and didn't know Santa was going to be there). My son, who was the oldest of the "little kids" was slightly bummed that the "real" grandkids each got the 2010 Holiday Hess truck (the one with a jet on the back) and he got a MadLibs pad. I tried explaining to him (without ruining the Santa facade) that it was nice he got a present because this wasn't our family and Santa didn't really have to bring him anything right now. He seemed content enough with that explanation and was happy to play with his cousin's truck for a bit. *Whew!*

9 is tough age, I think, when it comes to Santa. My son is extremely logical and smart, and I would be completely amiss to think that he doesn't have some sort of clue that Santa is not a real person. Although I've never said it, and both their Dad and I have agreed that the Santa legend will live on as long as possible, I'm pretty sure that if my son doesn't have it figured out by now, he most certainly will by next year. But I've got my refutes ready! Santa may not be a real person, but the spirit is what counts, which is why we buy gifts for others, and donate to those less fortunate than us, and make gifts and cards to give to friends... and the spirit of Christmas is one that can last all year long. I don't like using Santa as a threat when the kids aren't behaving, because I think that sort of defeats the purpose of learning about the Christmas spirit. We've tried to instill that giving and being nice and generous is what Christmas is about. Santa is just an added bonus. But the coolest thing about my son figuring out the whole Santa scheme is... I think he'll keep it going for his siblings. He's the kind of kid who would help me wrap a present and tell his little sister that it really is from Santa. Heck, with his imagination, he will probably be able to come up with scenarios that I never thought of! I hope that his belief in Santa never dies, but a part of me is looking forward to seeing how he can help it continue with other little kids, even after he's figured it all out. Believing in Santa is AHA. My ex believes with all his heart, and I'd be surprised if I ever hear the words "Santa is not real" from him. I'm hoping my son (and subsequently the other 2 kids) will be that way as well.

A Lesson from CSI

CSI has been one of my favorite shows since it began in 2000. For years, I have watched it religiously, getting quite upset if I had to miss an episode. This year I haven't watched it much. I've spent many nights focusing on other things and haven't really turned the TV on much at all. Tonight, I decided to watch it again.

In case you don't watch it, let me quickly introduce a few of the main characters: Crime Scene Investigators Ray Langston, Nick Stokes, Catherine Willows and coroner Dr. Al Robbins. Bad guy Nate Haskell is a serial killer who is behind bars but still wreaking havoc.

Of course, like any TV show, everything is overdramatized, and once in a while I get sucked in to the plot and the characters. I've cried on more than one occasion when someone has died or come close to it, or when a character has left the show. Tonight's episode was apparently a pick up of last season's finale. I caught a few of the "previously on CSI..." clips, one of which showed Nick Stokes in some building with another officer. Stokes tells the officer to check something out, and the officer ends up getting shot. Also, Ray Langston has gone to the jail to speak with Nate Haskell. Before their meeting is over, Langston turns his back on Haskell and is stabbed. Last season's finale (I concluded) ended with Langston lying on the floor outside Haskell's jail cell in a pool of blood.

I was attempting to put more water in the fish tank and I stood in the middle of the living room, full pitcher of water in hand at chest level, staring at the TV with my mouth gaping open at the clips of Langston getting stabbed. I yelled at the TV. "Langston! NO!!! LANGSTON!" (I never yell at the TV.) Tonight's episode opened with a funeral, and a photograph of a young African-American soldier. Assuming it was Langston, I cried. I almost dropped the pitcher of water I was holding. I yelled at the TV some more. The officer who had been with Stokes and shot was also African-American and it turned out to be his funeral, not Ray Langston's. I still cried, but was a bit relieved. Langston lived, and was recovering in a hospital bed, but he had lost a kidney.

Fast forward to the end of the show. Dr. Robbins (who lost both legs in a car accident, in real life and on the show) came to visit Langston and brought him a finely sculpted cane. Then, Doc talks about how when he lost his legs some of his dreams had to change. "I can never dance like Fred Astaire and my jump shot lost a little," he tells Langston. Langston retorts with a comment about never being a kidney donor, and is visibly upset. Doc then says, "But I dance with my wife, and shoot hoops once a week. No matter how much we think we can control in life, there will always be this much we don't have control over. When you can accept that, you can move on." They embrace and both cry.

That line really caught my attention. I don't like being not in control of things. I have been very much not in control of many things this year. But I have learned that in order to move on from being depressed, sad, or regretful about the situations I find myself in, I have to accept that I cannot control everything in life. I have to take ownership of the things I can control and make the most of my own actions in order to improve my circumstances. Moving on is one of the most important tasks in life, because that's how we learn and grow and become better people. So thanks, Doc Robbins, for reminding me of an important lesson of life and for the AHA.

Snowblowing Bliss

Ok, I admit that this might not be the biggest accomplishment ever, but I'm pretty proud of it. Tonight, I used a snowblower. For the first time in my life, I used the snowblower instead of shoveling! My oldest wanted to shovel, so of course I let him clean off the front porch while I blew out the driveway. It was surprisingly easy, and almost fun. (I enjoy spring and summer gardening much better than winter snowblowing, just for the record.)

This is a huge accomplishment to me, just for the fact that I can add one more thing to my ever-growing repertoire of stuff I know how to do and can do by myself! Of course, I had a little help in figuring out how to use the darn thing, but once I got the hang of it, it was easy! This has been a learning year, if nothing else, and I have discovered that I can do quite a few "handy" things around the house if I put my mind to it and get a little advice beforehand. And each time I complete something new, my confidence level goes up and I'm not so scared to try something else the next time. I'm beginning to love this cycle.

So, no deep down philosophical introspections, mainly because I'm simply tired out. But I'll go to sleep tonight with a clean(er) driveway and a smile on my face knowing I did it myself.

The AHA of Gut-Wrenching Laughter

December tends to be a very busy month, evident by the fact that I have fallen way behind in recording my moments of AHA. This weekend, however, was once again filled with good friends, tons of laughs and endless AHA.

I went to a Creative Memories consultant scrapbook retreat, which in and of itself is AHA because I love looking at and creating with my photos, but don't always get much time to do it. So looking forward to 3 (almost) full days of nothing but scrapbooking was thrilling to me! A good friend of mine had come up from Florida just for this occasion, and I was really excited to see her. I know the other 15 or so women who were attending, but I don't know any of them very well and they don't know that much about me. We are all consultants together, and are on the same team, yet there's still a big gap between knowing who someone is and really knowing them.

I can't get into specific details (partly because the stories are too crazy, and partly because I can't even remember all of the stories), but the conversations that arise from a group of women who spend hours and hours together are mind-blowing! The laughs started right away Friday night and the giggles got worse as the hours rolled on. By 11:00 or so, all 9 or 10 of us in the room were laughing so hard we were crying and could barely breathe! I finally made myself go to bed, only because my head cold was starting to get the best of me and I literally could not breathe through my nose (which was really beginning to get annoying). I knew I needed some sleep in order to make it through the rest of the weekend. If that's what Friday was like, there was no way I was going to miss Saturday and Sunday!

I slept in a bit on Saturday, which was very much needed, and had some nice conversations over a delicious breakfast, before showering and hitting the books again. A few more women showed up to scrap with us for the day. We immediately started recycling some of the jokes that had us crying the night before, and in explaining them to those who were absent, they became that much funnier! Some new jokes arose, as well, and the ridiculous conversations ensued. I think it was kind of a miracle that any of us got anything done at all, really. We spent so much time laughing and circling the jokes around and around, we continued to disrupt each other over and over again. By late Saturday evening, my gut began to hurt. My abs haven't had that much of a workout in quite a long time!

Saturday night was the worst. As it got later and later, we all got giddier and giddier. The giggles set in and would not go away! A few of the girls got laughing so hard they couldn't even tell the story they were trying to tell, which made the rest of us laugh even more! By the time we all dragged ourselves up to bed, it was well after 1am. 5 of us were in one room together, and although we did our best to get to bed and go to sleep, we all had the giggles so badly it didn't matter what anyone did, it was funny! One of the women had left little soaps as gifts for everyone, and as someone was reading the label, she discovered on the back it said, "Keep soap dry." She neglected to tell us that the full sentence was "Keep soap dry when not in use" but the concept of keeping our soaps dry was enough to launch another fit of giggles. Our hostess turned on a sound machine to try to lull us to sleep, but in scrolling through the 4 different sounds, it made us laugh even more. One sound was of the ocean, I think, with seagulls, but the seagull noises didn't really sound like seagulls, nor were they soothing. What was suppose to be seagulls sounded more like someone drowning, and each time a wave would crash, we heard a faint "help... help!" This sent us into a fit of laughter almost worse than anything else thus far. Each time we started to calm down and there was a moment of silence in the room, someone would quietly whisper, "help... help!" and the room would erupt once again. I finally managed to fall asleep with an aching gut, a huge smile on my face and a hundred funny stories running around my head.

When I finally got out of bed Sunday morning, the house was quiet. I showered and made my way down to the basement where the scrap room was. As I entered, someone made the comment to me, "Good morning! Looks like you showered. Did you keep your soap dry?" to which the room exploded with laughter. Sunday was slightly less boisterous than Saturday, but still lots of fun with added jokes and laughter. All in all, when I packed up around 4pm, I had caught up my 2010 digital Happiness Project book, scrapped two pages in my traditional album, and made between 10 and 20 cards. I also sat down with the Director of our group to discuss some of my goals and plan how CM can help get me there. We shared some ideas with one another and made a basic business model that I can use to help boost my business and keep my focus. But the best benefit was getting to know these ladies better, and hearing them say to me, "I'm so glad you came! I don't really know you and it was so much fun to hang out this weekend." Knowing that I truly fit into the group, and making my presence known by cracking my own jokes and creating a few laughs, gave me a huge sense of AHA. Acceptance means the world to me, and making others happy brings me endless happiness! I could not have had a better, AHA-filled weekend!

My Mission Statement

Every major company, and most not-so-major ones, have mission statements- what it is they hope to accomplish by existing. Each person should have a mission statement, too. What is it you hope to do with your life? What do you hope to accomplish? I have been considering this concept for a bit, and am going to attempt to put into words what I want to get out of life as well as what I have to offer.

I want to give all I can, all the time. I want to see the positive side of things, and remember that although sometimes it seems my life is falling apart, it is actually falling together. I will remember that nothing will ruin my life forever, and most of the time the things that stress me out the most don't need to be all that stressful. I choose to not be a victim of the circumstances of my life. Instead I choose to overcome the obstacles and challenges that are put before me, learn from them, and make myself a better person because of those challenges. I will be the best possible parent I can be to my kids and the best possible friend I can be to those who need me. I will love my family, kids and friends unconditionally and will do anything I can for them. I will do my best to emulate the good I see in others. I do not expect everything in life to be easy or perfect, and I will do my best to make the best of each situation. I understand that I will not live up to these expectations every moment of every day. I will forgive myself for not being perfect, but will learn and grow from my mistakes. I will do my best to see myself as others see me and love myself as others love me.

My oldest son watched as I wrote this. He asked if I would ask him questions and write down the answers, and I said of course. (Anything to get inside the mind of my kids!) So, I described to him the concept of a mission statement, and asked him what his personal mission statement would be- what kind of person does he want to be, how does he want to live his life and how would he want people to describe him? Kind of deep-seeded stuff for a 9-year-old, but with some coaching, I got the following answers:

"I want to be a good person by not being mean. I will be a good person by being nice to other people, by helping them with things they need help with and listening to them. Depending on what it is, I might like to help someone clean up. In school, the teachers like it when the kids listen to the rules. I want to be a friendly person. I want people to describe me as adventurous and very kind."

Not bad for a kid. I hope that I can help keep him on track of his mission statement, and help him change it as needed. And in the same way, I hope that my kids can help me keep on track with my mission statement and help me remember why it is that I have to be a positive influence on them and others. I think we've all done a pretty good job so far.

Wondrous Surprise

People come and go out of our lives all the time. Sometimes we notice, sometimes we don't. I saw a friend tonight who I hadn't seen in 10, maybe even 20 years. What an incredible feeling of AHA to walk into a building and see someone who was one of your best friends many moons ago!

He and I grew up together. Our families have been going to church together since we were very little. I don't remember when I met him, but I don't ever remember going to church as a kid without him. We spent years side by side in youth group. We dated for a week when we were 12. He was probably my first love. In high school, we had different circles of friends, but we stayed close. Upon our high school graduation, we moved in different directions. I honestly cannot say the last time that I remember seeing him. I've thought about him often over the years. My mom keeps me posted as to where he is and how he's doing. On the rare occasion I went back to my parents' church, I would ask his mom and sister how he's doing, and ask them to tell him that I have been thinking about him and that I say hello.

I was visiting my parents for Thanksgiving, and we had all planned on going into church for the annual Christmas tree decorating. It used to be called "Hanging of the Greens" which was always very amusing, because there was a family who attended church regularly, named the Greens. It was always great fun to say we were going to go to church to hang them! (Jokingly, of course!) Not too long before we were suppose to leave, my youngest fell asleep. I wasn't about to tempt my luck by waking him up and risk having him be cranky all evening. I'd much rather let the boy sleep, especially after we just got done warding off the dreaded Stomach Bug. So everyone else left to go to church, and the boy and I stayed behind.

He slept for an hour or so, then woke up on his own, still a little cranky but manageable. I fed him some Cheerios (I think that's all he ate all day long was Cheerios) and we were just bumming around when my cell phone rang. It was my mom calling, and she said, "I just wanted to let you know that Lynn is here." Before she even finished her sentence, I dropped whatever it was I was doing and ran to grab my shoes. I threw shoes and jackets on both of us, ran to the car and strapped him in his carseat as fast as I could. After closing the garage door, I cut across my parents' lawn to get back to the car. I was running, it was dark, and being the creature of grace that I am, I ran smack into a tree branch. It scratched the top of my eyelid, but I didn't care. I had to get to church! When you've been waiting years for an opportunity to present itself, you don't let a scratched eyelid stop you!

As my son and I walked up to the front door of the church, a flood of memories came back to me. I could remember "listening" to sermons, sitting in the back pews with my friends. I could remember sleep overs the youth group had and when we got in trouble for running through the church. I remember searching for hidden passageways in all the back hallways. I remember cooking breakfasts in the kitchen of the church on Father's Day. I remember using the hymns to practice singing harmonies, and trying to sight read from the hymnals. Then I opened the door and walked in. There he was. He was just coming down the stairs toward the front door, and he said, "And look at this lady!" I had the biggest smile on my face and I hugged him tight. It took a lot of restraint not to scream like ... well, like a 12 year old school girl!

I can't even explain the feeling of joy that swept over me. To be given a second chance at a friendship that had disappeared so many years ago is total and complete AHA at it's finest. He introduced me to his family and I introduced him to mine. I gave him my phone number and email and he promised to email me the next day. It was a brief encounter, but somehow so satisfying to see and talk with him again. He said he was really glad my mom called me, and I couldn't wipe the goofy smile off my face for anything! It was absolutely wonderful to have that friendship suddenly brought back to life, almost like it had never disappeared. I missed this friend terribly when he left my life, and I'm so incredibly happy to have him back.  Never give up on a good friendship.  You never know when you may be surprised by getting it back!

The "Perfect" Gift

Christmas shopping stresses me out. I am notorious for being a last minute Christmas shopper. There has been a time or two when I'm the poor sap pounding on a storefront door at closing time on Christmas eve, pleading to be let in. I also don't consider myself a very intuitive shopper, most of the time. There are those people who can walk into a store and within 15 minutes find the "perfect" gift for someone. I am not usually one of those people. I'm the type that has to search and search, then spend an hour deciding if I should actually get it or not.


There have, however, also been times when I thought that I had come up with the "perfect" gift. Cognitively, I know that the point of giving gifts is not to win any sort of contest or to prove "I'm better than you" or anything like that. But somehow, sometimes, I can't help but wonder if my gifts are "good enough." If the intended recipient will hold the same meaning for the gift that I do. If the gift will be as "perfect" as I think it is.
I also know that gift-giving isn't always about the money that's spent or buying material objects just to say you bought another person a gift. Gift-giving is about giving part of you. Showering your friends and loved ones with objects, gestures, thoughts, or actions that make them happy, that bring them joy. The beauty of giving gifts from the heart is that it makes you happy, as well as the recipient. And that's what it's all about- spreading joy, happiness and love.


I try to make a lot of gifts for Christmas. And I ask my kids to do the same. For me, having something made by the kids far outweighs any amount of money someone could spend. I've tried hard to teach my kids the spirit of giving. We've done Toys for Tots, and I've explained that we are buying a small gift for a child who doesn't have as much as we do. Last year, I handed my 9-year-old the card-making supplies and let him do his own. I hang the homemade ornaments from school on the tree proudly. The spirit of giving is so important, and in my opinion, too many kids are either losing that spirit or not getting it in the first place. Not my kids. At least not while they live with me. Both the older ones have offered at various times to give toys or clothes that have become unwanted or outgrown to a friend. Even if we don't always follow through, I think it's incredibly awesome that the thought pattern is in their head to offer it. That says something about them. And that makes me proud.

We've been trying to brainstorm some things that we could get or make for various family members for Christmas this year. My kids have actually come up with some pretty decent ideas. And they say they are willing to help bake cookies, put up the tree and decorate the house. (We'll see how well all that goes.) We're probably going to do Toys for Tots or some other similar program. We'll give homebaked cookies to the neighbors. We'll make our Christmas cards. Doing these types of projects with the kids is what makes the holidays special to me. And it teaches them - AND me - that it doesn't matter if the gift itself is "good enough" but rather if the act of creating and giving makes those involved happy enough. Give with love. That's all that matters.

Deriving AHA from Disappointment

After yesterday's and last night's "adventures" I wasn't really expecting a whole lot out of today. And it was good that my expectations were low, because we did a whole lot of nothing for a good part of the day.

The 3 kids and I sat on the couch and watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, which was great fun! We were all fascinated by the marching bands, the dancers, the singers, the Rockettes, the floats and of course all the balloons. They asked repeatedly if we could go see the parade live sometime. I know better than to promise my kids anything, unless I am absolutely, positively, 100 percent, guaranteed sure that I can deliver. Needless to say, I don't promise my kids much. But I have a list of things in the back of my head that I want to do with them. The Macy's Parade was just added to that list. I'm thankful that I have the capability to take the kids on trips every now and then, even small ones.

After the parade (and after my daughter finally threw up), I spent the next 3 hours drifting in and out of sleep on the couch. The kids, who were all feeling much better, played together in the living room, making obstacle courses for each other to climb over and through, playing "horsey" on my oldest, and imagining their way through the afternoon. I am extremely thankful that all 3 of them have a never-ending imagination, and they can all occupy each other for hours.

Once the kids were dressed and had gone to their grandparent's house, I managed to get up and take a shower. I was definitely thankful for the shower. I always feel better after a shower. I had canceled dinner plans with friends because I couldn't move off the couch. Now I was mobile, but felt compelled to cancel the dessert plans I had so not to infect my gracious hosts. Again, plans were thrown out the window. Still, I have so much to be thankful for that it's not fair for me to complain about missing dinner.

Before I had the aforementioned dinner and dessert plans, I had been thinking that maybe I would volunteer at a soup kitchen or something similar. I've never had to be alone during the holidays, and my heart goes out to those who have. This year, I spent part of Thanksgiving Day alone. But I was alone in the comfort of my warm house, after being freshly showered and wearing clean clothes. All of these are things to be thankful for.

My life is not perfect. But I am, perhaps, the luckiest person in the world. Happy Thanksgiving.

"We Plan" ... Well, You Know the Rest

I love to cook and bake, and to make big meals. Generally, I look forward to making things from scratch. Holidays are usually a big deal to me. Surrounding myself with family, friends and food are a highlight. I planned to make Thanksgiving dinner for the kids tonight. A day early, I know, but it seems that holiday plans are going to be shifted from now on, compared to what I've been used to.

I went to the store and bought all the necessary components - rotisserie chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, spinach (my kids actually eat it), crescent rolls, bananas for making banana bread (which my daughter has been asking for) and a pumpkin pie. I set the dining room table with a dark green tablecloth, matching plates and silverware for us all, 3 wine glasses for the 2 older kids and I and a sippy cup for the youngest, and I lit three candles.

When the kids came home I had just about everything ready. Only, they didn't want to eat. The stomach bug had hit the youngest a few days ago, and he's been reluctant to eat dinner lately. Seems that the bug has started moving through our family. My oldest son has complained of an upset stomach for a day or so, and instead of eating dinner, he spent the evening lying on the couch. My daughter humored me by taking a few bites of chicken and drinking milk with me from wine glasses. We clinked glasses and "cheersed" a few times, which made us both happy. But that was the extent of our Thanksgiving dinner.

I wanted to do something special with them, so I offered them a sleepover in the living room. We lined up the sleeping bags on the floor and watched "Lion King 1 1/2" (which is a great movie, focusing on the adventures of Timone and Pumbaa). My youngest seems to be the only one who was spared from the dreaded stomach bug this time. My oldest had thrown up earlier and was still recovering, my daughter wasn't feeling well and was not acting like herself, and at 3:15 in the morning, I finally got hit.

Today didn't go as planned. What is it they say-"We plan and God laughs" I think? Yeah, I believe that to be true. Anyway, I am thankful that I got to spend a little bit of time with my kids, and they seemed to enjoy themselves for the most part, despite the uninvited guest. My oldest said he was bummed he couldn't eat dinner. He said it smelled very good, and asked me to save him a drumstick. They all laughed at the movie, and they all said they had a good time sleeping in the living room with me. Only next time, I'm getting an air mattress. I'm thankful that I can provide them with days like today that they will remember, even if it's not for the traditional reasons!

Countdown, Part 2

Thanksgiving countdown continued. More of what I am thankful for...

• The internet. Sounds shallow and silly, but the internet (and Facebook specifically) has connected and reconnected me with people I never would have met otherwise. There are at least a couple dozen highschool friends who I figured I'd never talk to again, who I interact with on a fairly regular basis thanks to Facebook. There are a dozen or more people that I have "randomly" met on Facebook who have helped me stay strong during this challenging year. Greatly appreciated.
• My camera. Not meaning to be materialistic, but my camera is one material thing that I would definitely not want to give up. The camera allows me to capture incredible moments, thereby allowing me to make incredible scrapbooks documenting everything that is important in my life.
• My job. Even on days when I hate my job, I am thankful to have one. And overall, it's not such a bad gig.
• My involvement in music. Again, in the department of "Life takes you where to need to be," my involvement in various musical endeavors goes back to when I was very young. It was never a career for me, but music introduced me to many of the people I am still friends with today. It allowed me confidence, creativity, friendships and love. And some of the best advice I've ever gotten: "Step in it."

"Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving." - W.T. Purkiser

Countodown, Part 1

Let the Thanksgiving countdown begin! I have stated in posts before specific things that I am thankful for, and that which brings me AHA, but since the Thanksgiving holiday is just around the corner, I feel it's fairly appropriate to reiterate how many blessings I have in my life. And the purpose of this is not to brag or show off how many things I have to be thankful for, but to help remind everyone that no matter the situation, there is always something that can bring you moments of AHA and always blessings to count.

• Friends. Friends, friends, friends... I would not be who I am today, or have been able to accomplish what I have without the wonderful support of loving friends, who have stuck by me no matter what. I believe it to be true that the people who are most important to you will accept you for exactly who you are, support anything you do, and share in anything you are passionate about. These are the people worth having in your life, and I am beyond lucky to have so many.
• Family. Much like my friends have, my family has also helped shape who I am. My family is crazy, sometimes bordering on clinically insane I think, but that's part of what makes them all so incredible. My family has always been there to bail me out when I needed it, they've always taken care of me, and they've always been supportive of me. I am very lucky to have the family that I do.
• My kids. I had no idea that having kids would change me so much. For better or worse (maybe a little of both) I have grown, learned, relearned, grown some more, freaked out, questioned everything I had learned and done, re-relearned and grown even more. I never imagined that I could love as much as I love my 3 children. After we had the first two, we were done. When I found out I was pregnant again, I cried. That was not in "the plan." Most plans I have seem to get crumpled up and tossed out the window at the most inopportune time, but as I have been reminded many times, there have been no wrong turns in my life. I have 3 kids for a reason, and I would not give any of them up for anything. They bring a smile to my face every day, they make me laugh, they rub my back when I give them a hug, they kiss my hand and tell me to hold on to it tight, they believe in me, they trust me, and they love me unconditionally. The sweetest words I've ever heard are "I love you past space, Mama."

Oprah Winfrey has said, "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you'll never ever have enough." I have been blessed in ways that I never imagined. And I am thankful for it all.

Boston AHA

I visited a friend in Boston this weekend, and was showered with AHA left and right! We were very close friends in college and although I've seen him periodically since we graduated, he has lived in Boston 9 years and I hadn't visited. He was sure to point this out to me every chance he got!

After 6 boring hours on the New York Thruway/Massachusettes Turnpike, hitting stop and go traffic on the Turnpike just a few miles before the exit I was suppose to take, and getting some serious restlessness, my tolerance level had plummeted. I was ecstatic to just get out of the car when I finally reached his place. And it helped immensely that he was standing in the middle of the street doing a dance to show me which driveway to pull into! I met a couple of his friends and we almost immediately hit the local watering holes. Which, after the aforementioned annoyances, was just fine with me.

I spent the evening meeting people, having drinks, engaging in conversations, picking on my host (his friends helped, of course) and being told that I have to watch the Will Farrell movie, "Old School," because I didn't understand the one-liners and references that were thrown around. A marvelous time, all around. We finally returned to his place around midnight, and he did indeed make me watch "Old School" (which I realized I had seen before, just didn't remember most of it).

Saturday morning, my wonderful friend cooked breakfast for me and we drank coffee (which was AHA in and of itself - he prewarmed the mugs by letting a bit of hot water sit in it, before dumping it out then pouring in the coffee. Brilliant!) while watching old college bar band videos. Hysterically fabulous!! It brought back all sorts of incredible memories to watch myself and my friends play. And I realized how incredibly talented my friends are, how talented they were even back then, 10 or more years ago! Makes me want to dig the guitar out of the closet and learn how to play it. Seriously. AHA- it's never too late to do what you want, and it's usually not as difficult as you might think. Make the time for it.

After a couple hours of reliving our glory days of college bar bands, we hit the streets. Literally. We walked all over Boston, and it was wonderful! We went through the financial district, to the top of the Prudential Building, to Quincy (pronounced 'QuinZy') Market, to the spot of the Boston Massacre, to Backbay, to the Holocaust Memorial to I'm not even sure where else. We took the T (subway) and had to go up an escalator that felt like we were ascending to the surface from the depths of Hell (it was a -very- long escalator). And I loved every single minute. I loved every minute of walking, of being with him, of learning about Boston's history (he's kind of a history geek, and he'll tell you so), of catching up with him and the goings-on of each of our lives. AHA flew all around me, and I loved every -single- moment.

We met up with a couple of his friends whom I had met the day before, had Tex-Mex and margaritas for dinner, then walked for a bit, passed up a few places that were either too crowded or too expensive, and found oursleves in the "old stand by" dive bar. They've nicknamed it 88, because the atmosphere reminds them of 1988- the DJ, the music, the regulars, the hookups, the drinks, the attitudes... everything. We had also gone there the previous night, and my friend was disgusted with this choice of venue. "I can't believe you drove 6 hours from Upstate New York and I'm dragging you to a dive bar... TWICE!" But I did not care. It was great fun, and again filled with AHA in all sorts of ways. I realized that it was possible for me to step out of my comfort attitude and put on a little sass. I began to strike up conversations with people I had just met and didn't feel terribly out of place about it. I was in a completely unfamiliar place with mostly unfamiliar people, and I didn't feel too terribly uncomfortable. These are big steps of AHA for me.

Sunday morning we once again had coffee in prewarmed mugs (brilliant!) and we watched a film that discusses the disconnect and potential marriage between science and philosophy. Without getting too much into detail, I will say that I was surprised to hear many of the participating scientists reiterate what I had learned from the spiritual teacher Nithya Shanti a couple of months ago. That basically, our thoughts can control just about anything in our lives. One thing in particular that I can remember is an experiment conducted by scientists in Japan. Water from once source was put into multiple plastic bottles and a label was taped to the outside of each bottle. The water was then frozen, and later inspected under a microscope. On the bottles that had a "positive" label, the scientists found the ice crystals to be beautiful, symmetrical, precise. On the bottles that had a less than favorable or "negative" label, the crystals were random and ugly. A line from the film: "If our thoughts can do that to water, imagine what they do to us and others." Wow. Powerful. We didn't get to finish watching the film, but I hope to get a copy of it and watch it all again. It was very interesting and thought-provoking. It's called, "What the bleep do we know?"

I came to realize a lot of things this weekend. I miss playing music. I should find ways to play more. I should sing more and learn to play guitar or piano. I should walk more. I should step out of my own comfort box more often. I can accept myself as a good person. I don't have to be shy. I have lots to talk about. I have lots to learn. I tend to have a very cluttered life, but that's ok. I have a lot that others would like to have. I can appreciate what I have and not brag about it. I can appreciate what others have without being jealous of them. All that AHA in just 3 days' time. What a fabulous weekend.

True Holiday Spirit

With the holiday season rapidly bearing down on us, there is quite a lot to think about. Holidays are generally very joyful, but can also be very stressful and even heartbreaking. There is one story I have that always warms my heart when I recall it.

In June of 1996, I moved to Florida following my college graduation. I was by myself, and if you'll recall a few of my previous posts, I usually do anything possible to avoid being in a situation which requires me to be alone. But here I was, freshly graduated, packing up what few worldly possessions I could call my own and hiking it down to Florida. The only people I knew were the owners of the radio station where I had just been hired and 3 or 4 of the other staff members, whom I had met a year and a half prior, while doing an internship. Soon after I arrived, a co-worker found a cat which he passed on to me, knowing that I am a definite cat person. I happily adopted the stray orange tiger and named him Rajah. Slowly, I made a few friends around town where I was living, and the staff at the radio station very graciously introduced me to many of the people they knew (which was pretty much everyone in the whole town- it was a very small town).

I don't remember Thanksgiving 1996, but I remember Christmas. It was perhaps the loneliest holiday I've ever had. I wasn't able to return home to New York until December 28. I decorated my apartment the best I could, and strung some lights around the potted palm tree in my living room. I didn't have a real Christmas tree. The presents that I bought to bring home with me, and any box or package I received in the mail, were put under the palm in an attempt to make myself feel better about being alone. As much as I tried to cover it up and rationalize with myself, I couldn't help it - I was downright lonely and sad. I knew I had to spend Christmas Day by myself, and what was worse was that I had to work that morning.

I awoke early on Christmas, got dressed and shuffled off to the station for my shift. While I was working, a couple of friends called me. I knew that he was the postmaster and she was a hairdresser, and they were both extremely friendly and pleasant people, but that's about all I knew about them. They asked if I had plans for the day, and when I said no, they asked if I would join their family. They would be having dinner at their son's house with his wife and kids, and said I would be more than welcome to come along. It didn't take a second invitation for me to say yes. I figured just about anything would be better than sitting home feeling sorry for myself. I can't remember all the specifics about the day, but I remember that I had a wonderful time. The food was delicious, the kids were great fun, the company was wonderful, and I felt wanted. I was in a great mood and I wasn't lonely.

I had experienced what it means to have the holiday spirit. I had been invited to the home of a family I barely knew. They took me in and offered me kindness so I wouldn't be alone. Every year around the holidays I remember this, and I look for opportunities to do the same for someone else. Being a part of that spirit of giving gave me the best feeling in the world. That feeling is total AHA.

Passing On the Kindness

A good friend of mine stayed at my house tonight. Her mom had surgery earlier today, and my friend was kind of a wreck about it. She couldn't be with her mom, so I offered up my company and invited her to stay in my circus of a household so she could vent to someone she trusted, if she needed. Or at the very least be distracted to not worry about her mom. It's always nice to have company around when you're feeling uncertain.

Another Very Dear Friend of mine has told me that the kindness he passes along to others was passed along to him when he needed it most. He has helped me understand and deal with this year's circumstances, probably better than anyone else. He's assured me that when the time is right, I will be there to pass that kindness along to someone else when they need it most. Just about everything he has told me will happen, or every emotion he's told me I'll feel, has been true. So I believe that I will be put in the position to help a friend, and I am ready for that duty. I'm willing to do whatever is necessary for my friends in need.

Many of the blogs I've written since June have been exploring and discovering me, my emotions, what makes me happy and how to deal with various challenges. One thing that I love doing that I don't think I've mentioned very often is helping others. I have been wrapped up in my own drama, and I have been shortsighted many times. Not that I'm a particularly self-centered person, but I think when the right circumstances present themselves, everyone becomes focused on themselves once in a while. I am now starting to emerge from that inward focus. I realize that there are others who "need" me for a number of reasons. I realize that I have the ability to fulfill whatever needs those are. And I take great pride and satisfaction in knowing that I helped someone else.

Each person has to find the right balance of self-centeredness and empathy. It's ok to focus on ourselves, and it's ok to ignore ourselves to focus on someone else. As long as the balance stays fairly even. Too much of one or the other causes disruption and leads to it's own set of problems. I have spent a lot of time learning what I need. It always feels good to me to reciprocate that. I had a friend who was in need, and I welcomed the opportunity to help her. Passing on a little of that kindness. I've got lots more for anyone else who wants it.

Falling Together

I met a wonderful young woman who is quite a bit younger than I am, and the more we talk, the more we realize that we have a lot of things in common. We have experienced some of the same situations, same insecurities, same emotions, same interests, even some of the same friends... even though we are at very different stages in our lives. If you ask me, she is wise beyond her years, and she has helped me immensely in the 2 months or so that I have known her.

The other day, I read something that she had written that really resonated with me: "I was so wrapped up in a world of shortsightedness that I felt like I was going no where fast. Now I am beginning to see that I was going somewhere, or rather that I am going somewhere. My mind is just boggled because if I think back to when I felt like my world was falling apart, I understand now that it was actually falling together."

Personal situations in her life led her to various places and inevitably to meeting me. Not that meeting me is the end-all be-all to anyone's life, but I think that our paths crossed at just the right time when we both needed one another. Only we didn't know it until we met.

I have felt like my world has been slowly falling apart since January. I've been up and down the emotional roller coaster more times than I care to count. I have acted and reacted in some ways that are... out of character, let's say. I have felt happier than I have been in quite a long time, and I have cried until I was sure my eyes would pop out. But then, when I take a step back I think, "Is it really all that bad?"

Yes, on some levels it is bad. I've been heartbroken. My world was definitely shaken up. But on other levels, it's still all ok. In the grand scheme of things, it's actually pretty minor. And in fact, in some ways, I am in a better place than I was a year ago. It's always hard to see the forest through the trees, and situations are always worse when you're going through them than they seem to be a few years down the road. I still have many wonderful things in my life. I have gained some friends, some knowledge, and an outlook that I wouldn't have had otherwise. My children still love me, and I them. My family still loves me, and I them. And the friends that matter the most to me still love me, and I them.

I am still able to do the things I enjoy, some a bit more. I am still able to share my enjoyments with those around me. My life has taken a completely different course than I ever - EVER - imagined it would. But rather than falling apart, I have to believe that it is falling together. The wound is still fresh, and sometimes it's difficult for me to completely accept that that is true, but cognitively I do know that the path I am on will take me to where I need to be. And by understanding that, and doing my best to keep a positive attitude, no matter what is thrown at me, I will be able to confidently say that I ended up in the best possible place I could be.

Life has been good to me. My new friend is also my new hero. Like I said, wise beyond her years. I hate that I have lost parts of my life that were very important to me, but I am grateful for the opportunities that have resulted. Even in moments of doubt, when life is falling together in unexpected ways, there is AHA to be found.

Happy Life

Comments on my previous post reminded me that happiness doesn't necessarily come from one particular thing or person. Each individual achieves happiness differently, determined by various moments in your life and how you live them. I was also encouraged to make a list of what makes me happy in my life, which you can never do too often, in my opinion. A list a day keeps the blues away!

In no particular order, here are some things that I can think of right off the top of my head that make me deeply happy.

• Laughing until I cry or my stomach hurts.
• Hearing my children's laughter. A good ol' belly laugh is one of the THE best sounds ever!
• Looking at photos. Reliving the awesome memories that were made.
• Creating with photos and displaying photos, so I can sit and stare at them whenever I need a pick-me-up.
• Talking with friends, which usually results in laughing with friends. (See #1.)
• Being busy at work. I was a little stressed, but I was truly happy on Election night when the place was crazy busy and I didn't sit down for 6 straight hours. Not sure that I would want every day to be like that, but days like that once in a while are nice.
• Spending time with my kids. Whether we're playing a card game or I'm trying to snap pictures of them running past me, I love watching my kids play and imagine. They have all taught me so much, and I love being able to see the world through their eyes.
• Enjoying the sunshine. Starting about now, the sun can be a very elusive object in the area where I live. I love being able to see the sun and enjoy it's warmth.
• Listening to music. I can almost always find something to match the mood I'm in or put me in a better mood. I love listening to, singing along with and playing music. Always makes me feel good.

Life is good. I am happy. Not every minute of every day, but overall I am. Truly, I have a happy life.

Follow Your Heart, Continued

For the past 24 hours or so, I have thought about what it is that makes me happy. I'm sad to say that I still don't have a definite answer. I'm an "instant gratification" kind of person, and I like to see results right away. Life doesn't always work like that - in fact, it rarely does - and that gets frustrating to me. Along this journey, I've been forced to practice patience and I've had to accept that I am not in control many times. I suppose that discovering what truly makes one's heart happy is not an instant gratification kind of thing. It's not like answering the question, "What's your favorite color?" Life hands us a great many things. We have to sift through all of them and decide what makes us happy, what makes us unhappy, what empowers us, what intimidates us, etc. And that can be a daunting and difficult task at times.

I spent a good part of the afternoon at a friend's house, hanging out with college friends, some of whom I haven't seen in quite a while. We talked about college, professors, bands we were in, friends, families, pets, spouses, food and more. It was great to laugh at the stories and to learn things about my friends that I hadn't known before. I brought a couple scrapbooks for everyone to look at, and we reminisced about the events. Once again, being with friends made me happy.

Another thing that I get great joy from is scrapbooking. The act of scrapbooking itself is quite therapeutic and relaxing to me, but also seeing others react to the things that I've created is fulfilling as well. I feel a sense of purpose when my kids "oooh" and "ahhh" over themselves and each other as babies, when my friends can relive memories that were captured in the photos, or when family members express their appreciation for gifts that I've made. A few years ago, I made a small desk calendar for my parents and my in-laws, which contained a calendar grid for each month and pictures of my kids on one side, and a picture or two on the other side with some sort of inspirational or funny quote that embodied the essence of the photos. (This type of project has sort of become my specialty, as I love gathering photos of my kids and quotes.) My mother-in-law was incredibly impressed and I believed she cried, as I knew she would (because that's just her personality). The big surprise came from my dad, who very rarely shows a large change in emotion. I watched as he inspected each picture very closely, and I could tell that he was extremely impressed and grateful. He said, "Katie, this is great. Really great." at least a few times. That made me feel good. Really good.

I am not a "sales" kind of person. I think the fact that I have been a Creative Memories consultant for 5 years and have consistently struggled to get my monthly sales close to $1000 says something to my salesmanship. I very rarely flaunt the work that I do. But I love, love, love making photo projects, I think I'm pretty good at it, I love helping others create something with their photos, and I absolutely love seeing how people react to receiving something that has such a personal touch and special meaning. THAT makes my heart soar with happiness. When I do talk about it, it's not in a "buy stuff from me" kind of way. It's more of a "this is what I can do with it and why I love it" kind of way. Because I guess that is my passion. Photos have always been an important part of my life. Being able to create with them, while remembering the stories that go with them, gives me an incredible feeling of satisfaction.

So, while I suppose I really can't latch myself onto my kids or my friends, I can hold on tight to the memories that I make with them. I can surround myself with pages, books, calendars and mugs that display exactly what I love about them. I can help others do the same. I guess instant gratification wasn't as far away as I thought.

Follow Your Heart and You'll Never Get Lost

I've been thinking a lot about some of the posts and statuses I see from some of my friends on Facebook (yes, I do this quite often, as you may be able to tell). Today's theme: follow your heart. Find the joy. Discover what makes you truly happy and let your heart lead you there.

This all sounds very nice, indeed, but my problem is I'm not really sure I know what makes me truly happy. And if I don't know that, I can't let my heart lead me there, because my heart is just about as messed up as anything right now and probably couldn't find it's own way out of a paper bag, let alone figure out where to go to make me happy.

My answer right off the bat: Friends. Being surrounded by people I love and who love me makes me unconditionally happy. (I'm sure you probably could have gathered that from previous posts, too. Not a shocker, I know.) My kids. As much as they can drive me crazy, they have been my salvation countless times this year. I bought a shirt for my youngest that says "Mommy's Super Hero" soley for the fact that he really has been a hero to me. He's let me cry to him without asking what's wrong. He can crack me up at just the right moment. He smiles at me and I completely melt. Not that my other two haven't been wonderful, and as any parent will tell you, I love my children all the same... there's just something about my little Moose. He's helped me immensely through my challenges, without having any clue.

So... am I suppose to just follow my kids around and latch on to whatever friends I can find? Will that make me forever happy? I doubt it. And I'm sure that neither my kids nor my friends would want me around them all the time. I'd probably be short on friends pretty darn quick. Back to square 1. What makes me happy and how can I achieve that?

Much like those not-true-to-life sitcoms that everyone loves, I like to wrap up the essence of a day's post in a short amount of time. However, I'm sorry to say, this one is not so easy. I really need to contemplate what it is that I derive enjoyment from, and I have to say that in and of itself kind of makes me anxious. If I have to think so hard about what makes me happy... well, does that mean that maybe I've never been truly happy? If I don't really know, then maybe I haven't experienced it yet. Too much pensiveness for such a late hour. I'm gonna have to sleep on this, and try to get back to you soon. To Be Continued...

A Salute to Veterans

Like so many others, today I am extremely thankful for the countless veterans who have served or are serving in a war. Four of those veterans are very close to my heart- my Dad, my Grandfather, and my two Great Uncles.

My Great Uncle David is the youngest of the 3 Hart brothers. And he's the only Hart brother left. At 84 (I think), he's still sharp as a tack and as active as ever. Last year, I finally decided to call him and get some of the stories that he has saved up in his memory bank. It was one of the best things I have ever done. He told me stories about his oldest brother, Addison, who was shot down over Germany in World War 2. I knew that Addison existed (in fact, I had considered naming my first son Addison), but until David told me these stories, that was about all I knew. He also told me stories about the middle brother, my grandfather, Kenton, and about himself, and again, these were things that I never knew about him. For a solid hour, I sat and listened to David recount things that happened while in basic training, or talk about what life was like in 1936 as he was growing up. I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, let alone things that happened when I was 7. And here was my great uncle telling me in great detail about the boys that lived in their neighborhood, and the radio shows the 3 brothers would listen to after dinner each night, and the family trips that they took.

I found out that Addison was a ham radio operator. Taught himself how to build radios from scratch. When he enlisted in the military, he became a radio gunner in the 8th Airforce. Was shot down over Germany on August 6, 1944. I never knew him, and I miss him terribly. My grandfather went to the headquarters of General MacArthur's in the Philippines. David "learned to cook after he had cooked" and went to Cook and Baker's school in Hawaii (after he had spent many years with his mother in the kitchen).

It was so absolutely amazing to hear the stories my uncle had. It made me appreciate my family that much more. My dad was in the Army, and although he never saw battle, I fully respect and admire his service time. I could never be in the military. I just couldn't. If my children decide to join the military, I will support them 100% and then some, but I hope and pray that they never have to go to war. May we all remember those who fight for us.

I'm convinced that everyone knows someone who has a connection to the military.  Do you know what yours is?  Talk to them.  Find out what they remember.  I'm positive that you'll appreciate them that much more if you do. 

Authentically Living Someone Else's Dream

I absolutely love when AHA comes from friends, even if I don't know them very well, or they are anonymous! A friend had posted on Facebook "Be joyful for all the things you have and remember that the life you are living is someone else's dream." Those are some powerful words.

I will be the first to admit that jealousy and envy are two of my biggest downfalls. I have spent a lot of wasted time wishing I had what someone else had, or being envious of others. I am consciously working very hard to destroy those kinds of thoughts. I have proven to myself over the past 5 months that I have plenty of things in my life to be happy about. If I can take a step outside of myself for a brief moment, and look at my life through the eyes of someone other than me, I should be able to see that my life could very easily be someone else's dream.

I have a house. I have a job- that I like. I have a car. I have clothes. I can buy groceries. I can pay for electricity. I have 3 wonderful, beautiful kids. I have countless friends. My calendar is filled with various social events. I am enrolled in a leadership class. My kids are enrolled in sports programs. I have a pretty big and close-knit family. I know how to play piano and sax, and I can read music. I make really cool scrapbooks. I know how to cook, and am pretty good at it. I have my own business. I am intelligent. I am attractive. I am genuine.

I don't say any of these things to brag or boost my own ego. Everyone has a list of things to be thankful for. This is, in part, mine. No matter what crazy things happen in our lives, it's somewhat refreshing to think that someone else would most likely trade their problems for ours. Everyone *always* has something to be thankful for.

I commented on the previously mentioned post on Facebook and the same friend wrote, "Love yourself, love your life and may you continue to always inspire those around you with your authentic living." Wow. I really like that. "Authentic living." I've been told that I am profoundly humorous and now I'm being told that I live authentically. Those are really big compliments. I am happy and thankful that I have the ability to live authentically. Some people spend their whole life being, or trying to be, someone they're not. I like this version of me. And I like that it's continually becoming easier to "just be myself" rather than worrying about whether people are going to like me or not. If they do, cool! If they don't, oh well. Their loss.

I am extremely thankful for my life and the path that brought me here. There have definitely been some huge bumps in the road, but I have never encountered anything I couldn't handle, and there has almost always been a good outcome to whatever negative situation I may face. I plan to continue building this "dream life" I have, to continue living in my authentic way, and hopefully to continue inspiring others. I sincerely appreciate all the comments that are left, and all the followers that I have! Thank you all for being an important part of my life!

Creating

I am beginning to get accustomed to my abundance of alone time. I still don't like it very much, but I've been determined to make the most of it. This evening, when I got home from work I sat down with my laptop and my Creative Memories Storybook Creator software, and created. And it was wonderful!

Mind you, this particular post is not meant to be a shameless plug for Creative Memories or our software. But it's just so easy for me to find AHA in creating scrapbooks and other photo projects, that I would be amiss to leave this incredibly important aspect out of my recounts of AHA.

It brings me great peace of mind to create scrapbooks and it calms me like nothing else can, to look at my photos again and again. Finding new ways to create page layouts or creating things like calendars and mugs is just downright fun for me! I love reliving the memories that I've made with my kids, my family and my friends.

For the past few years, I made a traditional scrapbook for each of the kids as well as a family book. When kid #3 came along, I quickly decided that I could no longer do that. Time simply would not allow it. So I went almost all digital. For my 2010 scrapbook, I'm making a Happiness Project, and have included all sorts of photos that make me laugh, make me feel good, or otherwise just make me happy. This is going to be my all time favorite book. The photos and the stories that go with them serve as a reminder as to how incredibly rich and blessed my life is. I am surrounded by family and friends who have helped fill my life with love. This is going to be an expensive book, but no matter what the cost is, it will be worth every single penny.

Find your AHA in whatever small things you can.  No matter how creative you think you are or are not, there is always something you can do to help you find AHA.  And no matter how alone you are or are not, there is always someone willing to help you find it!

10 Praises

A friend of mine had this as her status on Facebook this evening: "Now to end the day on a positive note: Praise yourself for 10 things you did today. (This isn't so easy.) Even the little things count!" She posts quite a lot of statuses in this manner, and I love it! Such a simple exercise yet really makes you think about what you did do, and makes you appreciate all the little things. So, here's my list of things that I am praising myself for...

1. I'm making Christmas gifts for family members. That's all the detail I'm going to divulge mainly because said family members read this blog! But I love making them, and I'm proud of how they are turning out.
2. I folded and put away laundry. Ok, this is the smallest bit of a little white lie. I haven't actually done this yet. But I need to if I want to sleep in my bed tonight, so it's on the "must be done" list. And besides that, I hate having clean laundry hanging around in baskets.
3. I cleaned up my dishes from dinner. Mundane and routine, but still, I didn't *HAVE* to do it. Could have left them there...
4. I went to my daughter's dance rehearsal for observation night, and did the "Turkey Wobble" with her class and other moms. It's a goofy little dance, but the kids like it, and I couldn't pass up a chance to dance with my baby girl!
5. I fed my cat. This is just as mundane as cleaning up the dishes. But in exchange for putting a scoop of food in her dish every day, she'll curl up on my lap and purr. That's some good pay back!
6. I complimented a friend's baby, who has fabulously chubby cheeks! I love chubby cheeked babies!
7. I hugged and kissed my kids. To me, this is a given, and I do it at least 100 times a day (give or take, or at least as many times as my kids will allow me to). However, I know that there are kids who don't get as much love from their parents as mine do. My kids are just about the biggest source of AHA for me, and I can't imagine not giving them love.
8. I took out the trash. See #3.
9. I found my son's permission slip that he needs for a project he's doing for school. For a few moments, I was afraid that I had thrown it out. What with cleaning off my dining room table this weekend, who knows where things ended up! I had put the slip in a place where I wouldn't lose it, and surprisingly enough, it worked!
10. I told a friend I love them. I love my friend who posted this in the first place, she's awesome. I love my Very Dear Friend who reminds me every day how much I am loved. I love the girlfriends I have, my "friends who are boys," my coworkers who let me go to hockey games with them, long-time friends, new friends, friends I have yet to meet. Anyone who has shown me support, given me encouragement, made me smile, understood my pain, talked with me, cried with me, laughed with me, held my hand (literally or figuratively), or have otherwise been a part of my life - I love you all. You will always be my AHA.

Beautiful

Sunday is traditionally our "lazy day" and after last night's intensely loud hockey game, I took full advantage of Daylight Savings Time and slept in! Everyone had a fairly slow start to the day, and it was fairly uneventful. Later in the afternoon, my daughter reminded me, in great earnest, that "before today" I had said we could have some girl time and do each other's make up, and since it was now another day and the least little bit of time had passed since I had made that statement, she felt it was necessary to add that into the day's schedule. As in, right now.

So we collected up our make up, chapstick and nail polish and headed to her room. She requested that I pretend to do make up on her horsey and 3 baby dolls, then do her make up, for real. I was also asked to paint her finger- and toenails. So I did. Pink/white alternating fingers and purple/white alternating toes. Blush, eyeshadow, and some red lip gloss... and yes, her father and I are in BIG trouble when she's actually old enough to wear all this stuff.

Then it was my turn. She painted my fingernails white and my toenails purple, and she kept most of the polish on the nail. She applied blush to my cheeks (in a straight up and down motion, which for those not familiar is not the correct way to apply blush), eyeshadow to my eyelids (and just about to the bridge of my nose and eyebrows, again, incorrect), and lipgloss to my lips (and inadvertently my teeth, even with my lips pursed closed). She was very proud of herself, and regardless of how I looked, I was too. We had a very good time attaining AHA together amongst the colors of eyeshadow and chapsticks. It was fun being a girly girl, even if it was only with a 4-year-old!

Hockey Date Night

HOCKEY NIGHT!!! The Oswego Lakers' biggest rival in hockey is the Plattsburgh Cardinals. It's the biggest game of the season, and almost always sold out. A good friend who has season tickets had bought standing room only tickets for himself, his wife and number of family members, so he offered his seats to me. I gladly accepted and went on another "date" with my oldest son.

The game was pretty intense, and I'm not a sports writer or commentator, so I won't pretend to try to amuse you with my wit about players and goals and our team squashing the other. (On a sidenote, I find sports writing much more interesting and entertaining than any other news. Their use of synonyms is unmatched, I think!) It was a nail-biter, right down to the very last second... literally. We scored, they tied it up. We scored again, they tied it up. Scored and tied once more, for 3-3 in the third period. We scored one more, then Plattsburgh pulled their goalie to get an extra player on the ice. With 1.5 seconds left in the game, we scored again! Wow. Just wow. The arena went nuts each time we scored. And when the refs made a few bad calls, it was just as bad. I screamed like I haven't screamed in a long time. Probably since the hockey games in college! My son really got into it, too. Although neither of us know any of the official rules, we know the puck is suppose to go into the opposite team's net, and he was sure to point that out to the players at every given chance. Loudly, too!

He really enjoyed being in the midst of that small bit of craziness. Which made me enjoy it even more. This may just have to be a new tradition for the two of us. "Hockey date night" with my boy = AHA.

Cleaning AHA

I have a Creative Memories Open House scheduled for this weekend, and that could only mean one thing- I have to clean my house!! Sometimes I think think the only reason I invite people over is to clean. But that's ok, because as much as I hate cleaning, when I am finished I almost always feel a sense of accomplishment.

I got home from work, barely ate dinner and immediately started in on the paperwork. One version of my idea of hell is being stuck in a room filled with bills and paperwork that I have to file. Ugh. I get nightmares from the thought of filing all my paperwork. But paper accumulates way too quickly around my house, and that's always the first thing to go when I know people are coming over. This includes cleaning off the dreaded dining room table, aka The Catch-All. Most nights I can manage to clear off a spot big enough for 4 people to eat, but when there's going to be company, I actually have to do something with all the junk that ends up there.

Another version of my idea of hell involves me walking around a room filled with toys, picking them all up but the room never gets clean. (Sometimes I swear this really happens around my house.) Toys are the next target of my cleaning attack. Up the stairs with one armload, down the stairs, up the stairs with another armload, down the stairs. I so don't need to pay for a gym membership, I just need to clean my house more often!

By the time I managed to get to bed, I had cleaned off the dining room table, picked up some papers on the hutch, swept, picked up the toys in the living room, made apple crisp, went to the grocery store and set up a display table. Not a bad night. Some pretty boring AHA, but I believe anytime you can chalk up another feeling of accomplishment and actually get something constructive done, it's AHA all the same.

The Unseen Trickle Effect

November is the month of Thanksgiving, and in that spirit, I am going to attempt to resurrect my daily account of moments of AHA. Today was an emotional day, but there were two distinct moments of AHA.

First, a friend came to watch my kids while I had to go out and take care of something. When I got back to the house, my kids went to the in-laws. I spent at least the next 15-20 minutes standing against the front door with my coat still on, crying. Flood gates opened. My friend was still with me, and although I really hate crying in front of others, I just didn't care at that point. She didn't try to say too much to make my pain go away, because she knew she couldn't. She offered a few comments and thoughts, and listened to me. Just having her there somehow made me feel better. And after a bit, I managed to pick up the pieces, dry the tears, and carry on with my evening. If she hadn't been there with me, I don't know how long I would have cried.

The second AHA came via Facebook. A friend that I knew in college had sent me a message. We knew each other in college, had a very large group of mutual friends, and I would consider us to have been friends, but we were never very close. Her message to me tonight was chock full of compliments and she said, "Your path to find happiness has helped me more than you know." That really means a lot.

After reading this, I realized how much of a trickle effect we really can have on others. Part of the point of this blog in the first place was to help me sort through my own feelings and find my strength in AHA. But part of it too, was in hopes of helping someone else realize or learn something that might help them to better deal with their own situations. I am not a therapist of any kind. I don't always know the right things to say to people. I don't always listen as well as I should. But I know what I've felt in going through what I have. And I can say with a decent amount of certainty some of the ways I've handled things have been good and some not so good. I can only hope that my experiences can help someone else.

I have had a solid core of friends who have been helping me all along, and I've been assured that when the time comes, someone else will need me in the same way. I hope that I can live up to the standards that my friends have set. Strength. Courage. Love. We all need them, and we all have them within our grasp. We just have to believe that we can reach them.

Election Madness

Today was election day (just in case you missed that memo)! I work for a NPR News affiliate, which means we air a whole lot of news, information and talk shows and not much else. Which is cool if you're a news junkie. Which I'm not really, but I digress. In the 8 years that I have worked there (more if you include the 2 during college), I have never worked an election night. Always managed to be busy somehow. This year, I finally made arrangements to have myself be available for the late shift. I am so glad I did!

I came into work around 4pm and did some of my usual paperwork and upkeep. Around 6, an unusually high number of people started wandering into the station. At 7, we all took our places and started getting geared up. Live coverage began at 8pm. I was the engineer in the production studio; we had 2 hosts and 2 guests live in the talk studio; 2 of our reporters were out in the field at various campaign headquarters; our other 2 reporters were at their desks, writing news stories and editing audio; we had a newscaster who read news every hour from the studio adjoining mine; there were about 6 people in our conference room, each with their own laptop, checking polls and numbers and races and such; there were 2 TVs, one in the front office, one in the talk studio; our Assistant Engineer wandered around checking in everywhere to make sure all the equipment was working properly at all times; and our fearless leader, the Program Director, walked around with his clipboard in hand making sure all the whos, whats, wheres and whens lined up the way they were suppose to. What an operation!

I was in charge of any- and everything that went on air. At times, I was using Google chat to talk with 2 people at once, while making sure our audio cuts had transferred into the right folder on the right computer, providing said audio cuts for our hosts or newscaster to air, connecting a third guest on the phone, and trying not to push the wrong button at the wrong time. This was more multitasking than I think I have ever done at once! It was a strange combination of frustrating, confusing, invigorating and exhilarating!

On most days, my job is not a taxing job. I do my very best not to complain about how my work drains me, because it doesn't. Really, I have a fairly easy job. Most days. However, tonight, I was whooped. We were live for 5 straight hours. When I walked out at 1:15am, I hadn't sat down since about 6pm. I don't mean to belittle myself or anyone else who works a radio job, but I concentrated harder tonight than I have in a very long time. We managed to get through the night with just a couple of flubs, but as we say, "That's live radio. These things happen." And those things did happen, but only a few and they were fairly minor. We could have seen trainwrecks much nastier. All in all, things went smoothly and no one wanted to ring anyone else's neck at the end of the night. Most everyone kept their cool. Ok, I flailed my arms around on more than one occasion when something didn't go exactly right, and cursing was not uncommon, and every now and then someone had to step into another room just for a "change of scenery," but really, everything flowed pretty well. And, as I've been told, "If you were perfect, no one would like you!"

For a night like this, perfection was not expected, I don't think. (We all like each other too much to be perfect!) However, near perfection we did, and did well. Sometimes I'm not crazy about my job (don't tell my boss, just in case he doesn't read this). Sometimes I love it. Tonight... well, last night at this point, I was high because of it. I felt accomplished. I had helped make something good happen. Things rolled the way they did, in part, because of me. And that is an incredibly awesome feeling. That is AHA at its finest. "I did that" is one of the greatest forms of AHA I can think of. That's was election night coverage was for me. I loved it, and you bet I'll do anything I can to be there again next time!

Revelations of Halloween

Halloween is my least favorite holiday, and I'm really not a fan of scary things. Yet, every year for at least 8 years, I've gone to an All Hallow's Eve Haunted House party, hosted by a couple of good friends. It's really quite ingenious. This couple converted an old barn behind their house into a multi-functioning building, and every year for the past 20 or so years (or more, I'm not sure) they, with help from friends, construct a haunted house. They re-purpose pieces each year to make different configurations of dark hallways, graveyards, mazes and rooms for the guests to walk through, complete with live actors who really get into their roles of ghosts, ghouls and zombies. It's ingenious, it's fabulous and everyone involved is someone I know. I hate haunted houses. Really hate them. And every year for the past 8 years, I've gone through with my eyes closed, head down, clutching the shirt of my husband. Every year for the past 8 years, when we emerge from the darkness into the party dining room, the host says to me, "So, how was it?" And every year for the past 8 years, I've responded, "Same as last year. I didn't see a damn thing."

When I first got the invitation a month or so ago, I didn't think I wanted to go. For a couple different reasons. A very dear friend convinced me otherwise (actually, I believe he told me not going was not an option), and asked me to play behind the scenes, as one of the voices of the host's brain. I agreed, and I'm so very glad I did. This year's party was different. First of all there was no haunted house. There was a dark hallway to walk through to get to the dining room, but no real haunted house. The costume theme this year was characters from Rocky Horror Picture Show or Young Frankenstein, and there was going to be audience participation. Upon suggestion, I chose Magenta (the domestic from RHPS), and dug out a little black dress I had back in college. To my surprise and excitement, it still fit!! This, in and of itself, was a moment of pure AHA!

I had a great time voicing the brain, dinner was absolutely delicious (as usual) and the party that ensued following dinner was fabulously outrageous. Another friend had pieced together clips from the two movies, highlighting some of the more famous scenes from both. We watched the video and were encouraged to act out our character's parts in each scene. People were very enthusiastic about participating, and everyone played along by yelling out appropriate phrases as directed by cue cards. And, of course, we all did the Time Warp. Because you just can't watch RHPS and not.

Throughout the evening, I had conversations with various people which reconfirmed how immensely important my friends are to me, and I to them. I know that many of the people I talked with would do just about anything for me. And I hope they know that I would do just about anything for them, as well. After the party had wrapped up, I went to stay with a couple of very dear friends. We stayed up late and talked, as we often do when given the opportunity. I am so extremely blessed to have the friends I do.

I have to admit, I was nervous about going to a party with Rocky Horror Picture Show as the theme, and I don't always do well with audience participation. But I am so thankful I didn't skip this year, as I had originally planned. I need that kind of craziness in my life to keep me sane! Between the compliments on the costume, the conversations with people, the hugs and kisses from friends and the encouragement to be just a little crazy now and then, my night was filled with AHA. And I loved every moment of it!