Today was just about the only day this week when I didn't have something planned for the kids and I to do. Day 6 of being off work, and I hadn't been feeling well for the past day or two, so my tolerance of the kids' button-pushing was beginning to falter. I knew I had to figure out something fast... or else! (Cue superhero music.) Suddenly, I remembered- I had guest passes to a nearby indoor playground. We had been there a few weeks ago for a birthday party and all the kids loved it. I called a friend who lived in that area, whom I hadn't seen in quite a long time, and she agreed to meet us there with her daughter. Hooray! Super Mom saves the day, and just in the nick of time! (At 9am I was already pulling my hair out from them bickering with one another.)
We made it to the playground with no major incidents and the kids were excited to see their friend, and I was excited to see my friend and talk with another adult. We had lunch there and played for about 3 hours, which was wonderful. The facility has all sorts of things to keep the kids entertained- a pretend grocery store, beauty salon, day care center and cafe, a tire swing, basketball hoops for both big and small kids, a bubble machine, dress-up clothes and a stage, a small ball pit, stuffed animals and baby dolls, a rock-climbing wall, a climbing playground and a slide. We could just sort of let the kids go do their thing while we chatted and caught up with one another. It was beautiful!
Our friend invited us over to their house so the kids could play with her son (who was hanging out with his grandparents earlier). The 5 kids had a ball playing together and all got along very nicely, and my friend, her husband and I had a very nice time sipping wine and talking more. During our course of conversation, my friend asked what I have been doing and if I get out of the house. I wanted to laugh, not in a rude way by any means, and answered, "Of course! I, um.... Hmm...What do I do?" Ironically I feel happier and busier than I have in quite a long time and yet I had a difficult time answering this question. I strum on the guitar now and then, but it's not like I play it all the time. I've been going to hockey games every few weeks, but not really on a regular basis. I do Zumba in my living room when I can, but not every day. These are the extent of any new hobbies I have started. However, I have made myself available to hanging out and getting together with friends a little more, I think. I enrolled in Leadership Oswego County, in which I met new people and made new friends. I've held small parties at my house almost every month. I've been known to stop by a local bar or a friend's house on a whim to have a drink or chat. So I guess I have been getting out and at least doing things, even if I'm not meeting a ton of new people. That's always been sort of a weak link for me. But I'm working on it. For whatever reason, that question of what am I doing has really stuck in my head. But, as I've read before... if you're looking for love (or friends or relationships of any kind) stop looking and get out to do what you enjoy doing, and the relationships will find you. I'm not unhappy with where I am right now and I have no doubt that when the time is right, an appropriate person will enter into my life to change it in a way that only they can. It's happened to me countless times already, and it will again.
What started off as a blank-slate day ended up being a great play date. It was very refreshing to chat with a "long-lost friend" (of sorts) and to have adult conversation while the kids played. And, thanks to my friend, AHA has forced me to trust that my life is taking me where I need to go. I'll help it along as best I can and have no intention to sit back idly and wait, but I'm not allowing myself to think that I will forever miss out on any relationships that are necessary to the enrichment of my life. That is sometimes a difficult AHA to face, but well-worth the effort.
:) Cheers!
Adventures in Ice Skating
My son has this week off from school thanks to winter break (I thought they just had winter break...) so I took the week off from work to stay home and hang out. I didn't make any big plans to go anywhere like Disney, but I had some ideas of little things we could do close to home to prevent me from getting completely sick of the kids and vice versa.
Today's adventure was ice skating... with all 3 kids! At first I thought it was a great idea, but as I wrangled them out the door (which is as easy as herding cats... think about it) I began to wonder how crazy I really was for taking a 2-yr-old, 4-yr-old and 9-yr-old, none of whom have any real ice skating experience. And I, myself, am amateur at best. I told them we would go, so off we went, crazy or not.
When we got to the rink, I got skates for the kids and told my oldest he could go on out once his skates were laced up. I was least worried about him. Surprisingly, I was able to get skates that would fit the 2 little kids, so I attempted to strap them on. My daughter was suddenly very scared of trying something new (hello, Mama's kid), and although she let me put the skates on she was not thrilled about standing, walking or skating in them. My youngest was being particularly stubborn at this point in time and went back and forth between wanting his boots on, wanting his boots off, and just outright not wanting to skate. I finally convinced him to put the skates on instead of his boots, and spoke the laughable words, "Now, just sit there for a minute, please." I still had to get skates, and now that I had skates on these two I wasn't going to lose my chance to get on the ice. I walked maybe 10 feet to the counter to get my skates, told the gentleman what size I needed and turned around to see my son a good 4 or 5 steps away from the bench where I had left him, bent over in half, hands on the floor. He managed to stand up and wobbled for a moment before he flopped forward again. I took my skates off the counter, scooped up my stubborn son, set him back on the bench and laced on my skates as fast as I possibly could, then we headed down to the rink. Meanwhile, my oldest had done about 5 laps around, stopping at the entrance gate each time to ask, "Are you coming? You're not ready YET?" He, apparently, still needs to learn about the fine art of preparing children under the age of 10, especially when they are feeling extremely stubborn.
We finally make it out onto the ice and my daughter starts to cry. Not a loud wailing kind of cry, but a very quiet whimpering "I don't want to be here" kind of cry. I tried every positive thing I could think of to convince her that this was indeed fun, but she cried for a good 10 minutes. The little one, Mr. Fearless, was pretty much ready to go on his own. I had push bars for both of them to help stabilize them and I had to keep telling the daredevil to hang onto his, that it was different than "regular" walking and he couldn't easily go where he wanted. After moving out into the middle of the rink without realizing it, my daughter eased up a bit and decided that this wasn't really all that torturous. The 3 of us went up and down the rink in the middle of the circle of traffic, doing our best to avoid others. They both seemed to really enjoy themselves and managed not to fall too many times! My oldest was a trooper, doing laps solo, stopping by every so often to say hi and ask how we were faring. Although I couldn't focus on him, I did watch him zig zag through a line of cones and noticed that he wasn't crawling along the wall like he was the first time he came skating. He had actually improved quite a bit. And after an hour or so, my daughter decided she really liked skating and was sad to have to go. Mr. Fearless tried a couple times, unsuccessfully, to walk to me without his push bar but was unfazed by the downward detour he took. Pushed himself right back onto his feet like he meant to sit down. We were all very tired out by the time we left, but I am so very proud of all 3 of the kids for being so determined and strong, even if they didn't want to be when we started out. I love teaching my kids new things, and this is just another page in the AHA history book!
Cheers!
Today's adventure was ice skating... with all 3 kids! At first I thought it was a great idea, but as I wrangled them out the door (which is as easy as herding cats... think about it) I began to wonder how crazy I really was for taking a 2-yr-old, 4-yr-old and 9-yr-old, none of whom have any real ice skating experience. And I, myself, am amateur at best. I told them we would go, so off we went, crazy or not.
When we got to the rink, I got skates for the kids and told my oldest he could go on out once his skates were laced up. I was least worried about him. Surprisingly, I was able to get skates that would fit the 2 little kids, so I attempted to strap them on. My daughter was suddenly very scared of trying something new (hello, Mama's kid), and although she let me put the skates on she was not thrilled about standing, walking or skating in them. My youngest was being particularly stubborn at this point in time and went back and forth between wanting his boots on, wanting his boots off, and just outright not wanting to skate. I finally convinced him to put the skates on instead of his boots, and spoke the laughable words, "Now, just sit there for a minute, please." I still had to get skates, and now that I had skates on these two I wasn't going to lose my chance to get on the ice. I walked maybe 10 feet to the counter to get my skates, told the gentleman what size I needed and turned around to see my son a good 4 or 5 steps away from the bench where I had left him, bent over in half, hands on the floor. He managed to stand up and wobbled for a moment before he flopped forward again. I took my skates off the counter, scooped up my stubborn son, set him back on the bench and laced on my skates as fast as I possibly could, then we headed down to the rink. Meanwhile, my oldest had done about 5 laps around, stopping at the entrance gate each time to ask, "Are you coming? You're not ready YET?" He, apparently, still needs to learn about the fine art of preparing children under the age of 10, especially when they are feeling extremely stubborn.
We finally make it out onto the ice and my daughter starts to cry. Not a loud wailing kind of cry, but a very quiet whimpering "I don't want to be here" kind of cry. I tried every positive thing I could think of to convince her that this was indeed fun, but she cried for a good 10 minutes. The little one, Mr. Fearless, was pretty much ready to go on his own. I had push bars for both of them to help stabilize them and I had to keep telling the daredevil to hang onto his, that it was different than "regular" walking and he couldn't easily go where he wanted. After moving out into the middle of the rink without realizing it, my daughter eased up a bit and decided that this wasn't really all that torturous. The 3 of us went up and down the rink in the middle of the circle of traffic, doing our best to avoid others. They both seemed to really enjoy themselves and managed not to fall too many times! My oldest was a trooper, doing laps solo, stopping by every so often to say hi and ask how we were faring. Although I couldn't focus on him, I did watch him zig zag through a line of cones and noticed that he wasn't crawling along the wall like he was the first time he came skating. He had actually improved quite a bit. And after an hour or so, my daughter decided she really liked skating and was sad to have to go. Mr. Fearless tried a couple times, unsuccessfully, to walk to me without his push bar but was unfazed by the downward detour he took. Pushed himself right back onto his feet like he meant to sit down. We were all very tired out by the time we left, but I am so very proud of all 3 of the kids for being so determined and strong, even if they didn't want to be when we started out. I love teaching my kids new things, and this is just another page in the AHA history book!
Cheers!
Basking in AHA
My son's class went snowshoeing today, and I volunteered to chaperone. My son even asked if I was going to go, and got excited when I told him yes! I figure I have to enjoy that aspect of parenting while I still can.
It's always interesting to go to my son's school and see him interact with his friends. He is sometimes a very different kid around his friends than when he's at home, which is completely expected and understood. He ran off to sit with his class for the morning routine of hearing what's offered for lunch, what the weather is suppose to be for the day and saying the Pledge of Allegiance. I chatted with a few other people I knew, and talked with the teacher about the field trip. He mentioned that there was another mom from the class going and as it turned out, I knew her, so we agreed to carpool together.
Saying that I know someone and that I am friends with someone is two completely different things. I have known this other mom for a number of years, but not really well enough to say that I have been friends with her. Which makes a 45 or so minute car ride a bit intimidating. However, determined not to let the uncomfortable silence win, I think we both managed to keep the conversations going well enough without feeling like we were "forcing" ourselves on the other. It was a very nice ride.
It was a beautiful day, warm (in the context of being February in Upstate NY) and sunny. As it turned out, my ex was also able to go on the field trip. When I first learned about this, I wasn't mad, but I was a little less than thrilled. I had been looking forward to this day out with my son and I was slightly worried that my ex being there would spark some argument or something would go awry to take away from an otherwise wonderful day out with my boy. But I was, thankfully, wrong.
When we arrived at the nature center, the kids all filed out of the bus and everyone went inside to get our briefing of what we would be doing during the day. The presenter, Mrs. C., was very knowledgeable, friendly and had obviously spoken to this age group many times before. After a short talk inside, we all headed out to strap on snowshoes. The other parents and I helped the kids get their shoes on and tightened, and the teacher had to gather up a small group of kids who had started to wander before the parents were even ready to go. We all finally marched off in a straight line, following Mrs. C, and trying not to step on one another. As I watched the kids interact with each other, I couldn't help but wonder, if I was nearly as dramatic and annoying as some of these 9- and 10-year-olds were, when I was that age. A few of the boys spent just as much time on the ground as on their feet and the girls screeched loudly every time they tripped (which was quite often). My son ended up toward the front of the line, and my ex and I ended up toward the back. We didn't see much of our boy, but we spent a good part of the trip chatting with each other about lots of different things. At one point, he looked at me and said, "Well, I sure am glad our kid asked us to go on this field trip with him!" I was thrilled to be there, kid or no kid, ex or no ex. I had never been snowshoeing before, so this was a very new experience for me, and one I really loved doing. The weather was perfect, it was bright but not too sunny and I was having a blast being outside doing something I had never done before.
I don't even know how long we were out there... I think I heard that we did about a third of a mile, and we were probably walking for an hour and a half or so. I was getting tired out, but sad that we had to go in. I probably could have and would have walked outside all day. We had lunch inside, and my ex had to leave to get the other kids. It really was nice to talk with him and feel like friends again after all the stupidity that we've put each other through. It may not be a permanently sealed friendship- I know there will still be rough patches to work through and decisions on both sides that meet disagreement- but at the moment is was nice to have him as a friend again. I sat with my son and ate lunch, quietly watching the dynamics of the kids play out. Some had great manners, others not so much. Some were loud while others sat and ate kind of quietly. The girls mostly sat at one table, the boys mostly at another. It was interesting to watch, and made me smile some more. After an hour or so for lunch, we had an indoor presentation in which Mrs. C and her son talked about some of the different programs offered at the nature center, some of the history behind snowshoeing, and some of the clues one would find out in the snow to tell us what animals had been there. She passed around a couple different animals' feet and small jars containing dried feces, which the boys seemed to love and most of the girls were grossed out by. Finally, we all had to say goodbye and head back to the school.
The car ride home was just as enjoyable as the car ride out, and seemed a little shorter. I think I had a big, goofy smile plastered on my face from the whole experience. Back at school, there was only an hour left until the end of the day and the teacher had no hope at all of doing anything productive, so I gathered up my son and took him home. The day couldn't have been scripted better. I am basking in AHA and have been all day.
:) Cheers!
It's always interesting to go to my son's school and see him interact with his friends. He is sometimes a very different kid around his friends than when he's at home, which is completely expected and understood. He ran off to sit with his class for the morning routine of hearing what's offered for lunch, what the weather is suppose to be for the day and saying the Pledge of Allegiance. I chatted with a few other people I knew, and talked with the teacher about the field trip. He mentioned that there was another mom from the class going and as it turned out, I knew her, so we agreed to carpool together.
Saying that I know someone and that I am friends with someone is two completely different things. I have known this other mom for a number of years, but not really well enough to say that I have been friends with her. Which makes a 45 or so minute car ride a bit intimidating. However, determined not to let the uncomfortable silence win, I think we both managed to keep the conversations going well enough without feeling like we were "forcing" ourselves on the other. It was a very nice ride.
It was a beautiful day, warm (in the context of being February in Upstate NY) and sunny. As it turned out, my ex was also able to go on the field trip. When I first learned about this, I wasn't mad, but I was a little less than thrilled. I had been looking forward to this day out with my son and I was slightly worried that my ex being there would spark some argument or something would go awry to take away from an otherwise wonderful day out with my boy. But I was, thankfully, wrong.
When we arrived at the nature center, the kids all filed out of the bus and everyone went inside to get our briefing of what we would be doing during the day. The presenter, Mrs. C., was very knowledgeable, friendly and had obviously spoken to this age group many times before. After a short talk inside, we all headed out to strap on snowshoes. The other parents and I helped the kids get their shoes on and tightened, and the teacher had to gather up a small group of kids who had started to wander before the parents were even ready to go. We all finally marched off in a straight line, following Mrs. C, and trying not to step on one another. As I watched the kids interact with each other, I couldn't help but wonder, if I was nearly as dramatic and annoying as some of these 9- and 10-year-olds were, when I was that age. A few of the boys spent just as much time on the ground as on their feet and the girls screeched loudly every time they tripped (which was quite often). My son ended up toward the front of the line, and my ex and I ended up toward the back. We didn't see much of our boy, but we spent a good part of the trip chatting with each other about lots of different things. At one point, he looked at me and said, "Well, I sure am glad our kid asked us to go on this field trip with him!" I was thrilled to be there, kid or no kid, ex or no ex. I had never been snowshoeing before, so this was a very new experience for me, and one I really loved doing. The weather was perfect, it was bright but not too sunny and I was having a blast being outside doing something I had never done before.
I don't even know how long we were out there... I think I heard that we did about a third of a mile, and we were probably walking for an hour and a half or so. I was getting tired out, but sad that we had to go in. I probably could have and would have walked outside all day. We had lunch inside, and my ex had to leave to get the other kids. It really was nice to talk with him and feel like friends again after all the stupidity that we've put each other through. It may not be a permanently sealed friendship- I know there will still be rough patches to work through and decisions on both sides that meet disagreement- but at the moment is was nice to have him as a friend again. I sat with my son and ate lunch, quietly watching the dynamics of the kids play out. Some had great manners, others not so much. Some were loud while others sat and ate kind of quietly. The girls mostly sat at one table, the boys mostly at another. It was interesting to watch, and made me smile some more. After an hour or so for lunch, we had an indoor presentation in which Mrs. C and her son talked about some of the different programs offered at the nature center, some of the history behind snowshoeing, and some of the clues one would find out in the snow to tell us what animals had been there. She passed around a couple different animals' feet and small jars containing dried feces, which the boys seemed to love and most of the girls were grossed out by. Finally, we all had to say goodbye and head back to the school.
The car ride home was just as enjoyable as the car ride out, and seemed a little shorter. I think I had a big, goofy smile plastered on my face from the whole experience. Back at school, there was only an hour left until the end of the day and the teacher had no hope at all of doing anything productive, so I gathered up my son and took him home. The day couldn't have been scripted better. I am basking in AHA and have been all day.
:) Cheers!
Feeling Sorry
People sometimes have a funny way of reacting to someone else's situation. Which can be understandable- we want to be supportive, encouraging, loving, etc towards others but sometimes we just don't know what to say. Our responses can then sometimes come across as awkward, borderline inappropriate or slightly insensitive. I know I've done it. When I am on the receiving end of such comments, assuming I know the person meant well, I tend to take most things with a grain of salt. I don't take these comments too personally, and I understand that sometimes the right words are just hard to find. Once in a while, however, these kind of comments can get to me. I appreciate people's outreach to me, and I understand that people care about me and how I feel. But please, DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME!
I know most people don't generally say or do things to intentionally make me (or anyone, for that matter) feel bad. As I said in the beginning, sometimes people just don't know what to say or how to get their concerns across. Last year was a rough year, there's no denying that. But because of the events that took place, I believe that I am a much stronger, more confident, more capable person that I was before. That's not a reason to feel sorry for me.
Whereas in years past I was more likely to stay inside and complain about the snow, I know now that it takes me about a half hour to shovel a light snowfall off the driveway, or about an hour to snowblow the drive and shovel both porches. Whereas in years past, I would worry about being too cold and become cranky quickly, I can now appreciate my children's laughter while playing in the snow and allow myself to have fun while playing with them. Whereas I used to get easily frustrated with my kids because I was missing my favorite TV show, now I'm a little more willing to take my time saying good night to them and putting them to bed. Whereas I used to kick the kids out of the kitchen, I now invite (or sometimes force) them to help me do kitchen chores and make dinner. I have learned - and am still learning - how to embrace circumstances, situations, or moments that were not in my original plan. I've learned how to think outside the box, and am trying new approaches to get my kids to do what I want rather than just yelling at them. I've been forced to change lightbulbs, clean up leaks, fix a hole in the wall, run the snowblower, recognize when the car needs to be serviced, and much, much more. I've had to face my own animosity towards others and reason with myself as to whether or not those feelings are necessary. I've been able to take a very hard look at myself, adjust what I felt needed adjusting and fully accept what I felt was already acceptable. These are not reasons to feel sorry for me.
I am not angry. This is not meant to sound belittling or demeaning. I simply don't want people's pity. There's no reason for it, there's no room for it. I do truly appreciate all the help and kind words that I have received from others. And if you're wondering if maybe it was you who said something that bothered me, please don't worry about it. The things that don't need to stay with me have all been brushed away, and I only remember the loving words and the things that will help enrich my life. Because those are all that really matter anyway.
I know most people don't generally say or do things to intentionally make me (or anyone, for that matter) feel bad. As I said in the beginning, sometimes people just don't know what to say or how to get their concerns across. Last year was a rough year, there's no denying that. But because of the events that took place, I believe that I am a much stronger, more confident, more capable person that I was before. That's not a reason to feel sorry for me.
Whereas in years past I was more likely to stay inside and complain about the snow, I know now that it takes me about a half hour to shovel a light snowfall off the driveway, or about an hour to snowblow the drive and shovel both porches. Whereas in years past, I would worry about being too cold and become cranky quickly, I can now appreciate my children's laughter while playing in the snow and allow myself to have fun while playing with them. Whereas I used to get easily frustrated with my kids because I was missing my favorite TV show, now I'm a little more willing to take my time saying good night to them and putting them to bed. Whereas I used to kick the kids out of the kitchen, I now invite (or sometimes force) them to help me do kitchen chores and make dinner. I have learned - and am still learning - how to embrace circumstances, situations, or moments that were not in my original plan. I've learned how to think outside the box, and am trying new approaches to get my kids to do what I want rather than just yelling at them. I've been forced to change lightbulbs, clean up leaks, fix a hole in the wall, run the snowblower, recognize when the car needs to be serviced, and much, much more. I've had to face my own animosity towards others and reason with myself as to whether or not those feelings are necessary. I've been able to take a very hard look at myself, adjust what I felt needed adjusting and fully accept what I felt was already acceptable. These are not reasons to feel sorry for me.
I am not angry. This is not meant to sound belittling or demeaning. I simply don't want people's pity. There's no reason for it, there's no room for it. I do truly appreciate all the help and kind words that I have received from others. And if you're wondering if maybe it was you who said something that bothered me, please don't worry about it. The things that don't need to stay with me have all been brushed away, and I only remember the loving words and the things that will help enrich my life. Because those are all that really matter anyway.
The Valentine's Conundrum
[Disclaimer: I just re-read this post, and it is quite contradictory. Please don't ask me to clarify. If you ask me how I feel about holiday marketing, expect to have to listen to me for a while. If you ask me if I buy gifts for most holidays, I'll answer yes. If you ask why, I'll say I don't know. This is a very conflicting matter for me, and I don't expect it to get cleared up any time soon. So please, just take this at face value and don't ask me to engage in any philosophical conversation about it. Maybe next year I'll have a better answer.]
Ahhh, Valentine's Day. A day that didn't go so well last year, and a day I've sort of been dreading this year. I can remember back in high school and college, people I knew used to call Valentine's Day "Black (day of the week)." One year, in college, it was Black Friday to a good friend. He hated Valentine's Day. Hated pretty much everything about it, I think. He was miserable on "Black Friday" and was sure to tell everyone that Valentine's Day was a joke. He, of course, didn't have a girlfriend at the time. He's now married, with a daughter. I wonder if his viewpoint on it has changed.
I've always enjoyed Valentine's Day. It was never an over-the-top-get-excited-about-it kind of holiday, but it was always nice to get chocolates and cards and jewelry, or whatever else I got. And it was nice to give them, too. I have a bad habit of letting special occasions creep up on me. I know it's coming, but I don't think far enough ahead to be able to get "the perfect gift." Sometimes I have come across as a slacker, or that I didn't care. That's not the case at all. Sometimes my brain just gets stuck in it's every day routine and I basically just run out of time to get that really special something before I realize what's happened. And other times, rather than searching to buy something, I would make things. I like doing that... a lot. And it always makes me feel good to give a handmade gift to someone, no matter what the occasion. I think handmade gifts are important. It means quite a lot to me when someone makes a gift, just for me.
Like so many other holidays, I've grown tired of Valentine's Day. I've grown extremely weary of the marketing associated with it. We've commercialized love and all it's glory, a day meant to honor dead souls, the birth and then the resurrection of Jesus, a day honoring and named for a patron Saint of Ireland... and so on. I'm kind of surprised there haven't been any Martin Luther King Jr. bobbleheads in stores with some corny recorded message about how we should all be friends. It sickens me how our society has commercialized the meaning out of just about everything. While in the store today (yes, buying Valentine gifts), I noticed a box of SweetHeart candies, labeled "Classroom Exchange." Each individual package contained 5 hearts, all different flavors, and each with a different message: "True love, "First kiss," "Let's kiss," "Puppy love," or "You rock." Now, let's think about this. How old are kids that do classroom Valentine exchanges? My oldest is in 4th grade, and he told me Valentines were optional this year. So, essentially let's assume that kids under 10 exchange Valentines in their school classroom. Let's kiss? True love? Really!?!? I know, most people laugh and just eat the candy, but who's bright idea was it to put those particular sayings on candies that are exchanged within the under 10 crowd?
The other day, my daughter and I got talking about Valentine's Day and she said, "I can't wait to see what my brothers get me for Valentine's Day!" AAAGGGHHH!! It's not Christmas! I can't afford to buy everyone in the family a gift for every single holiday that comes across the calendar. I'm still paying off the Christmas gifts! I tried to explain that we don't have to exchange gifts with everyone. Despite that, I still bought each of the kids a small, very inexpensive box of chocolates, and something for them to give to their Dad.
I don't expect to get anything for Valentine's Day this year, and that is perfectly acceptable to me. Like I just said, I've played into the whole commercialism of it enough myself. To some couples Valentine's Day has a deeper significance, and it is nice to get gifts from a loved one, especially a spouse or partner. I realize that I will never be able to single-handedly eliminate Valentine's and all it's marketing revenue, even if I really wanted to. So, I guess I'll just stick to the dollar aisle in Wal-Mart and get something small for the kids, while treasuring the handmade cards they bring to me. Those are the best gifts I could ever get.
Ahhh, Valentine's Day. A day that didn't go so well last year, and a day I've sort of been dreading this year. I can remember back in high school and college, people I knew used to call Valentine's Day "Black (day of the week)." One year, in college, it was Black Friday to a good friend. He hated Valentine's Day. Hated pretty much everything about it, I think. He was miserable on "Black Friday" and was sure to tell everyone that Valentine's Day was a joke. He, of course, didn't have a girlfriend at the time. He's now married, with a daughter. I wonder if his viewpoint on it has changed.
I've always enjoyed Valentine's Day. It was never an over-the-top-get-excited-about-it kind of holiday, but it was always nice to get chocolates and cards and jewelry, or whatever else I got. And it was nice to give them, too. I have a bad habit of letting special occasions creep up on me. I know it's coming, but I don't think far enough ahead to be able to get "the perfect gift." Sometimes I have come across as a slacker, or that I didn't care. That's not the case at all. Sometimes my brain just gets stuck in it's every day routine and I basically just run out of time to get that really special something before I realize what's happened. And other times, rather than searching to buy something, I would make things. I like doing that... a lot. And it always makes me feel good to give a handmade gift to someone, no matter what the occasion. I think handmade gifts are important. It means quite a lot to me when someone makes a gift, just for me.
Like so many other holidays, I've grown tired of Valentine's Day. I've grown extremely weary of the marketing associated with it. We've commercialized love and all it's glory, a day meant to honor dead souls, the birth and then the resurrection of Jesus, a day honoring and named for a patron Saint of Ireland... and so on. I'm kind of surprised there haven't been any Martin Luther King Jr. bobbleheads in stores with some corny recorded message about how we should all be friends. It sickens me how our society has commercialized the meaning out of just about everything. While in the store today (yes, buying Valentine gifts), I noticed a box of SweetHeart candies, labeled "Classroom Exchange." Each individual package contained 5 hearts, all different flavors, and each with a different message: "True love, "First kiss," "Let's kiss," "Puppy love," or "You rock." Now, let's think about this. How old are kids that do classroom Valentine exchanges? My oldest is in 4th grade, and he told me Valentines were optional this year. So, essentially let's assume that kids under 10 exchange Valentines in their school classroom. Let's kiss? True love? Really!?!? I know, most people laugh and just eat the candy, but who's bright idea was it to put those particular sayings on candies that are exchanged within the under 10 crowd?
The other day, my daughter and I got talking about Valentine's Day and she said, "I can't wait to see what my brothers get me for Valentine's Day!" AAAGGGHHH!! It's not Christmas! I can't afford to buy everyone in the family a gift for every single holiday that comes across the calendar. I'm still paying off the Christmas gifts! I tried to explain that we don't have to exchange gifts with everyone. Despite that, I still bought each of the kids a small, very inexpensive box of chocolates, and something for them to give to their Dad.
I don't expect to get anything for Valentine's Day this year, and that is perfectly acceptable to me. Like I just said, I've played into the whole commercialism of it enough myself. To some couples Valentine's Day has a deeper significance, and it is nice to get gifts from a loved one, especially a spouse or partner. I realize that I will never be able to single-handedly eliminate Valentine's and all it's marketing revenue, even if I really wanted to. So, I guess I'll just stick to the dollar aisle in Wal-Mart and get something small for the kids, while treasuring the handmade cards they bring to me. Those are the best gifts I could ever get.
Unconditional
Everyone has their own issues to deal with. I honestly don't really believe that any one person is "better off" than anyone else. People make their own choices in life, and those choices reflect our personalities, morals and values. If we choose to be a victim, then sure enough we will be a victim. We will perceive everything around us as if it is meant to hurt us or bring us down. If we choose to be a survivor (in any sense of the word) then we will be. And we will believe that we have the spirit and conviction to overcome what ever issues we are faced with.
One thing that has definitely been reinforced to me is that friends will always stick by you, help you, encourage you and lift you up as best they can. As much as I try to be positive, I don't have a great attitude 100% of the time, but that's ok. My friends and family have been there to bail me out of various situations, and I have tried to avail myself to others who need help as well. But when it comes down to the wire, at the end of the day, we are the only ones who can truly decide what needs to be done. We assess our situations and perceptions and make the decision of how to react. Our friends can suggest what they might do in a similar situation, agree or disagree with our perceptions, encourage us to do "what's best" given the circumstances... but WE are the ones who make the final decision.
A friend passed along this poem to me that, I think, clearly describes the role of any true friend.
"Portrait of a Friend"
I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.
I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain, nor the future with its untold stories. But I can be there now when you need me to care.
I can't keep your feet from stumbling. I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.
Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine; Yet I can share in your laughter.
Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge; I can only support you, encourage you, and help you when you ask.
I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship, from your values, from me. I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.
I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you, But I can give you the room to change, room to grow, room to be yourself.
I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting, But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.
I can't tell you who you are. I can only love you and be your friend.
--Unknown
For all those who have stood by me, held my hand, cried with me, shared my laughter, listened to me, encouraged me, helped me pick up the pieces, and have loved me unconditionally, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am honored to have you in my life. For those who are facing their own issues, please know that I offer my unconditional love back. However I can be there for you, I will be. Everyone has issues to deal with, but we never have to deal with them alone.
One thing that has definitely been reinforced to me is that friends will always stick by you, help you, encourage you and lift you up as best they can. As much as I try to be positive, I don't have a great attitude 100% of the time, but that's ok. My friends and family have been there to bail me out of various situations, and I have tried to avail myself to others who need help as well. But when it comes down to the wire, at the end of the day, we are the only ones who can truly decide what needs to be done. We assess our situations and perceptions and make the decision of how to react. Our friends can suggest what they might do in a similar situation, agree or disagree with our perceptions, encourage us to do "what's best" given the circumstances... but WE are the ones who make the final decision.
A friend passed along this poem to me that, I think, clearly describes the role of any true friend.
"Portrait of a Friend"
I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears. But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.
I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain, nor the future with its untold stories. But I can be there now when you need me to care.
I can't keep your feet from stumbling. I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.
Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine; Yet I can share in your laughter.
Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge; I can only support you, encourage you, and help you when you ask.
I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship, from your values, from me. I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.
I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you, But I can give you the room to change, room to grow, room to be yourself.
I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting, But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.
I can't tell you who you are. I can only love you and be your friend.
--Unknown
For all those who have stood by me, held my hand, cried with me, shared my laughter, listened to me, encouraged me, helped me pick up the pieces, and have loved me unconditionally, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am honored to have you in my life. For those who are facing their own issues, please know that I offer my unconditional love back. However I can be there for you, I will be. Everyone has issues to deal with, but we never have to deal with them alone.
Embrace the Moment
Yesterday I ranted about winter and the amount of snow we've gotten. Don't worry, I'm not going that route again. In fact, I'm trying to see the opposite side of the argument, thanks to a very funny setup I noticed on my way to work this morning.
And more to the point of this blog, what a way to truly make the best of a less than ideal situation. I don't care how much someone says they enjoy winter, snowblowing and shoveling this much snow gets old. But these gentlemen were able to take their situation and, using what props were immediately available to them, make a joke of it. Get a laugh. Make a statement. How incredibly awesome!
You may have noticed this posted on my Facebook page. I told my coworkers about it when I arrived this morning, and one took a picture of it on his way home, early afternoon. Two chairs, a table - complete with tablecloth and umbrella - and a bottle of wine, sitting on top of a very large snowbank, at the corner of a restaurant parking lot. We kind of figured it was a prank by some college kids to get a laugh. And a very funny prank, at that. However, later this evening, I saw another photo posted by a different friend. Turns out, apparently, this set up was done on purpose, by the owners of the restaurant across the street from this parking lot! Too funny!! Talk about embracing the moment. The caption for the wall photo on Facebook reads: "When the snow in Oswego piles up what do you do? Push it into a snow bank and salute Mother Nature with a bottle of fine wine, like the Canales!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! I laughed out loud when I first saw the table and chairs on top of the snowbank on my way into work this morning, but I laughed even harder when I saw the photo of Nick Canale, owner of Canale's Restaurant, holding a glass of wine, standing with the table and chairs on top of the huge snowbank! What a publicity stunt!
And more to the point of this blog, what a way to truly make the best of a less than ideal situation. I don't care how much someone says they enjoy winter, snowblowing and shoveling this much snow gets old. But these gentlemen were able to take their situation and, using what props were immediately available to them, make a joke of it. Get a laugh. Make a statement. How incredibly awesome!We are suppose to get more snow tonight. Another foot or two, so I hear. My snowblower is still frozen up and not working quite right. I guess we'll see how I fare in the morning. I'm slightly more settled knowing that I have friends who will come to my rescue if and when needed. And now, I'm looking at my snowbanks in the front yard, wondering what props I can put up there to make people take a second look and laugh. I think I have a folding lawn chair somewhere. Or maybe I'll let the kids go up and make a snow castle with their sand buckets. Tomorrow is garbage day- I wonder if the garbage men would exert the effort to get my trash cans down. Hmm... such big snowbanks, so many possibilities! This much snow still kind of stinks, but since we can't make it go away, I suppose we might as well do the best we can to have fun with it!
Dear Winter... Go Away!
Ok, I have been sort of avoiding doing this in a public forum, but I need to rant. If you'd rather not hear me whine about winter, please do us both a favor, close the web browser and walk away. We'll pretend it never happened, you can still like me and I can still like you, even if we happen to have opposing views on the Season of White.
I have had enough! I am sick of snow! I understand that plenty of people truly enjoy the brisk winter weather and being outside playing winter sports - I know lots of these people myself - but I am DONE with the seemingly never-ending snowfall. I went ice skating the other week. Loved it! I've taken my son sledding with friends. Fabulous! I enjoy the occasional snowball fight and even getting some exercise with a bit of light shoveling and snowblowing. But this?? This is just ridiculous! C'mon, Old Man Winter... enough already!
My snowblower froze up. This is, admittedly, partly my fault - it's sitting on my back patio uncovered, just waiting for the elements to take their toll. Being mocked by the snow as it sits, helpless, under a coating of ice. I do feel badly. It's a pretty good blower, so far as I can tell. It gets the job done, mostly. I've tried to take care of it, keeping it full of gas, brushing it off everyday, leaving the back porch light on so it doesn't get lonely or scared out there all by itself. But I guess that all wasn't good enough. A couple days of a nice thaw, then the temperatures drop again and BAM! Frozen snowblower.
I'm lucky enough to know wonderful people who are willing to go out of their way to clean out the drive for me now and then. Today was was one of those days, and when I came home from work at 6:00 with 3 kids in the car, I was extremely thankful. Still, the plow had gone down the street a few times, I guessed, and there was the makings of a fortress wall at the end of my driveway. So I got all the kids out, hauled them all inside, and turned right around to tear down the barrier. My oldest actually likes to shovel snow, and wanted to help. So he grabbed the shovel and attempted to clear off the front porch steps while I went around to the back. Using the kid's shovel I had stashed on the back porch, and with equal parts of cursing at and feeling sorry for the frozen snowblower, I started to dig. I dug out the steps, the trash cans, and the snowblower. At this point, I realized my fingers were beginning to go numb. And I wasn't going to get much further with a 2-foot long shovel, so I went back around front to check on my assistant. No assistant on the front porch. I approached the front door and noticed him standing inside, sobbing a bit. When I asked what was wrong, he told me he couldn't do it. He had tried shoveling the front walkway but every time he threw the snow on the bank, more snow fell back down. And he slipped and fell in a snowbank, and he was cold. My 9-year-old couldn't throw the snow high enough onto the banks!! That's how high they already are! RIDICULOUS!! I thanked him for trying and reassured him that he did a great job. Back outside I went.
I shoveled out the front walkway quickly, heaving the snow as far away as I could. Luckily, it was mostly light, fluffy snow. I did one swipe down the sidewalk (my apologies to the neighborhood mail carriers), then tackled the fortress wall head on. This was heavier snow. This was dirty, wet, plow snow. And the snowbanks on either side of my driveway are now just a smidge taller than I am. I have to throw this heavy, wet, slushy snow up over my head?! AAARRRGGGHHH!! Had to be done, otherwise my van would be sitting in the street with the hazards on all night. At times, I couldn't keep my footing stable and kept slipping. The wind blew just right and laughed as most of the snow I was throwing flew back in my face. I couldn't feel my fingers and my hands were starting to burn with pain from the cold. This sucked!
It took about half an hour, but I won the battle. I managed to get the end of the drive clean enough to pull the van in and not get stuck. I was cursing at Old Man Winter, Mother Nature, the snow, the wind, the cold temperatures... anything remotely related to winter, I was cursing at it in my head. Finally, I had finished and could go inside to thaw out and enjoy my kids.
I'm going to a hockey game this weekend. I plan on going snowshoeing with my son's 4th grade class field trip in a week or two. I want to take all my kids ice skating a few times while they're on winter break. I'd like to get some friends together to go sledding again. These things are all fine and good. It's the driving, scraping, cleaning, shoveling, and snowblowing that I am totally through with. Take away those things, and I'm good with winter for another couple months. Well, ok... that might be pushing it a little. The novelty of the snow has completely worn off. I miss the sun. I miss 50 degree temps. I miss being able to walk out the door spontaneously without putting on multiple layers. I miss having a place by the curb to put my trash cans. I miss being able to see my yard, my birdfeeders and the bottom half of my neighbor's house. Sick, sick, sick of snow!!
I know... I live in Central New York and no amount of cursing, wishful thinking, voodoo dances or Gregorian chants will change the weather. I have to either get out or deal with it. I tried to embrace it, and I did for a while. But my boundaries have been pushed and my tolerance exhausted. If you've read all this way, please don't think differently of me due to my opinionated distaste of winter. If you enjoy wintertime activities, please don't be offended by my rants. I really did try to be its friend. I know it has it's good qualities, and I can appreciate those. At times, I really do enjoy it's company. But it's beginning to overstay it's welcome, and it just needs to go away. Or at least lighten up.
Frozen Cheers!
I have had enough! I am sick of snow! I understand that plenty of people truly enjoy the brisk winter weather and being outside playing winter sports - I know lots of these people myself - but I am DONE with the seemingly never-ending snowfall. I went ice skating the other week. Loved it! I've taken my son sledding with friends. Fabulous! I enjoy the occasional snowball fight and even getting some exercise with a bit of light shoveling and snowblowing. But this?? This is just ridiculous! C'mon, Old Man Winter... enough already!
My snowblower froze up. This is, admittedly, partly my fault - it's sitting on my back patio uncovered, just waiting for the elements to take their toll. Being mocked by the snow as it sits, helpless, under a coating of ice. I do feel badly. It's a pretty good blower, so far as I can tell. It gets the job done, mostly. I've tried to take care of it, keeping it full of gas, brushing it off everyday, leaving the back porch light on so it doesn't get lonely or scared out there all by itself. But I guess that all wasn't good enough. A couple days of a nice thaw, then the temperatures drop again and BAM! Frozen snowblower.
I'm lucky enough to know wonderful people who are willing to go out of their way to clean out the drive for me now and then. Today was was one of those days, and when I came home from work at 6:00 with 3 kids in the car, I was extremely thankful. Still, the plow had gone down the street a few times, I guessed, and there was the makings of a fortress wall at the end of my driveway. So I got all the kids out, hauled them all inside, and turned right around to tear down the barrier. My oldest actually likes to shovel snow, and wanted to help. So he grabbed the shovel and attempted to clear off the front porch steps while I went around to the back. Using the kid's shovel I had stashed on the back porch, and with equal parts of cursing at and feeling sorry for the frozen snowblower, I started to dig. I dug out the steps, the trash cans, and the snowblower. At this point, I realized my fingers were beginning to go numb. And I wasn't going to get much further with a 2-foot long shovel, so I went back around front to check on my assistant. No assistant on the front porch. I approached the front door and noticed him standing inside, sobbing a bit. When I asked what was wrong, he told me he couldn't do it. He had tried shoveling the front walkway but every time he threw the snow on the bank, more snow fell back down. And he slipped and fell in a snowbank, and he was cold. My 9-year-old couldn't throw the snow high enough onto the banks!! That's how high they already are! RIDICULOUS!! I thanked him for trying and reassured him that he did a great job. Back outside I went.
I shoveled out the front walkway quickly, heaving the snow as far away as I could. Luckily, it was mostly light, fluffy snow. I did one swipe down the sidewalk (my apologies to the neighborhood mail carriers), then tackled the fortress wall head on. This was heavier snow. This was dirty, wet, plow snow. And the snowbanks on either side of my driveway are now just a smidge taller than I am. I have to throw this heavy, wet, slushy snow up over my head?! AAARRRGGGHHH!! Had to be done, otherwise my van would be sitting in the street with the hazards on all night. At times, I couldn't keep my footing stable and kept slipping. The wind blew just right and laughed as most of the snow I was throwing flew back in my face. I couldn't feel my fingers and my hands were starting to burn with pain from the cold. This sucked!
It took about half an hour, but I won the battle. I managed to get the end of the drive clean enough to pull the van in and not get stuck. I was cursing at Old Man Winter, Mother Nature, the snow, the wind, the cold temperatures... anything remotely related to winter, I was cursing at it in my head. Finally, I had finished and could go inside to thaw out and enjoy my kids.
I'm going to a hockey game this weekend. I plan on going snowshoeing with my son's 4th grade class field trip in a week or two. I want to take all my kids ice skating a few times while they're on winter break. I'd like to get some friends together to go sledding again. These things are all fine and good. It's the driving, scraping, cleaning, shoveling, and snowblowing that I am totally through with. Take away those things, and I'm good with winter for another couple months. Well, ok... that might be pushing it a little. The novelty of the snow has completely worn off. I miss the sun. I miss 50 degree temps. I miss being able to walk out the door spontaneously without putting on multiple layers. I miss having a place by the curb to put my trash cans. I miss being able to see my yard, my birdfeeders and the bottom half of my neighbor's house. Sick, sick, sick of snow!!
I know... I live in Central New York and no amount of cursing, wishful thinking, voodoo dances or Gregorian chants will change the weather. I have to either get out or deal with it. I tried to embrace it, and I did for a while. But my boundaries have been pushed and my tolerance exhausted. If you've read all this way, please don't think differently of me due to my opinionated distaste of winter. If you enjoy wintertime activities, please don't be offended by my rants. I really did try to be its friend. I know it has it's good qualities, and I can appreciate those. At times, I really do enjoy it's company. But it's beginning to overstay it's welcome, and it just needs to go away. Or at least lighten up.
Frozen Cheers!
My Comfort Zone Breakdown
Personality tests are kind of a funny phenomenon, I think. I understand that people tend to have similar groups of personality traits based on how they act or react to something. And yet, people who posses those same traits may respond to a situation in completely different ways. I have just recently become acquainted with a couple different versions of these tests, and they intrigue me. As interesting as it is to study other people's behavior, I think it's equally - if not more so - fascinating to look at my own. I have been basically labeled an introvert. Yep... no two ways about it, my whole life, I've been a task-oriented introvert. Except, am I really? Is it possible to change the traits that we possess? Or hone what we've grown up with?
I studied Broadcasting in college, and a few years after highschool, I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen since graduation. When I told him I worked at a radio station, his jaw hit the floor. "But you never talked to anyone in school!" he said, incredulously. I laughed, but it was kind of true. I think I was definitely a bona fide introvert up until .... well, I'm not sure really. It's been a long, slow, laborious process and I'm still not the spokesperson for Extroverts Unanonymous, nor will I ever be. But I certainly have changed. And that's expected, and I'm glad because of it.
In high school, I met lots of people, and a select group of them became my good friends. They helped build up my confidence and made me laugh. And looking back on old photos, I'm glad to know that I was in good company with my big glasses and poofy hair! We had a lot of the same interests and were in a lot of the same organizations. I started to come out of "my shell" and was willing to let people see the unguarded Kate. Most people I was friends with in high school I got disconnected from after graduation.
Then there was college. I met a whole new set of interesting, diverse, eclectic people who taught me all sorts of new things. My outer shell started to peel away a little more, as I was forced to do things "by myself." I had to go out and meet new people and make decisions for myself. And.... I started to like it. I can remember being all giddy while talking to people, not for any of the "normal" physical attraction reasons usually associated with being giddy, but just to have people listen and be able to have conversations with them, and feel like they liked me. I felt it in high school, too, but more so in college. Sounds ridiculous, but it's true. Socializing was becoming a kind of high for me.
As college went on, I met more and more people, who taught me more and more things, and I became more and more exposed, letting my guard down and peeling the shell away. And I liked it!! I still wasn't the star of the any huge show or the never-fogotten life of the party (well, there was that one time...) but the more and more I forced myself to socialize with other people, the more and more I became comfortable with myself and not scared. By the time I graduated college, I was no longer the poster child for Introverts-R-Us.
Fast forward years ahead, and we are introduced to Facebook. The whole world right there at your fingertips. We can talk to anyone, anywhere. Now before I get the lecture from my mom and dad about personal online safety, let me assure you that I am still guarded about my personal and private information. However, this has opened a new door to me that I never thought I would walk through. Having online conversations with total strangers? 'Friending' people I've never met? Crazy talk! I am beginning to lose track of the number of people I've become FB friends with whom I've either never met or only met once. There are plenty of connections that I've been a part of where 2 people friend one another because a post on someone's page made them laugh. Or 2 people find they have similar interests and mutual friends, so they get to talking. It amazes me to think of the conversations I've had with people thanks to Facebook, that most likely never would have taken place in "real life."
My shell has pretty much been gone for some time, but I have this comfort zone that prevents me from doing anything out of the ordinary or wild. I think I have the equivalent of an InvisiFence inside my head. Anytime my brain starts to think of something risky, adventurous, dangerous, or the least bit off the beaten path, my InvisiFence goes nuts. "NO!! STEP AWAY FROM THE DANGER ZONE!! STAY INSIDE THE COMFORT ZONE! STAY INSIDE!!!!!" That comfort zone is getting bigger and the fence is starting to break down. I'm not scared to talk with people anymore. I'm not afraid to go somewhere by myself. I don't mind asking for help (ok, I'm still working on this one). I have the desire to learn something new, go new places, meet new people. And I like it.
Don't worry... I haven't given my social security or bank account number to anyone. I haven't agreed to adopt any puppies from Malaysia or accept any bank deposits from the recently deceased Ambassador of Nigeria. I am still taking care of myself, and my kids, and making sure that I play the game safely. But the rules of the game are starting to ease up a bit, and that comfort zone is slowly fading away. It's not gone yet, and it may never be. There are, after all, some things to say about keeping one's boundaries in tact and one's dignity high. But I'm liking this continued high that I get from meeting and talking with people. And stepping outside of my comfort zone, even if it's just for a moment.
I studied Broadcasting in college, and a few years after highschool, I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen since graduation. When I told him I worked at a radio station, his jaw hit the floor. "But you never talked to anyone in school!" he said, incredulously. I laughed, but it was kind of true. I think I was definitely a bona fide introvert up until .... well, I'm not sure really. It's been a long, slow, laborious process and I'm still not the spokesperson for Extroverts Unanonymous, nor will I ever be. But I certainly have changed. And that's expected, and I'm glad because of it.
In high school, I met lots of people, and a select group of them became my good friends. They helped build up my confidence and made me laugh. And looking back on old photos, I'm glad to know that I was in good company with my big glasses and poofy hair! We had a lot of the same interests and were in a lot of the same organizations. I started to come out of "my shell" and was willing to let people see the unguarded Kate. Most people I was friends with in high school I got disconnected from after graduation.
Then there was college. I met a whole new set of interesting, diverse, eclectic people who taught me all sorts of new things. My outer shell started to peel away a little more, as I was forced to do things "by myself." I had to go out and meet new people and make decisions for myself. And.... I started to like it. I can remember being all giddy while talking to people, not for any of the "normal" physical attraction reasons usually associated with being giddy, but just to have people listen and be able to have conversations with them, and feel like they liked me. I felt it in high school, too, but more so in college. Sounds ridiculous, but it's true. Socializing was becoming a kind of high for me.
As college went on, I met more and more people, who taught me more and more things, and I became more and more exposed, letting my guard down and peeling the shell away. And I liked it!! I still wasn't the star of the any huge show or the never-fogotten life of the party (well, there was that one time...) but the more and more I forced myself to socialize with other people, the more and more I became comfortable with myself and not scared. By the time I graduated college, I was no longer the poster child for Introverts-R-Us.
Fast forward years ahead, and we are introduced to Facebook. The whole world right there at your fingertips. We can talk to anyone, anywhere. Now before I get the lecture from my mom and dad about personal online safety, let me assure you that I am still guarded about my personal and private information. However, this has opened a new door to me that I never thought I would walk through. Having online conversations with total strangers? 'Friending' people I've never met? Crazy talk! I am beginning to lose track of the number of people I've become FB friends with whom I've either never met or only met once. There are plenty of connections that I've been a part of where 2 people friend one another because a post on someone's page made them laugh. Or 2 people find they have similar interests and mutual friends, so they get to talking. It amazes me to think of the conversations I've had with people thanks to Facebook, that most likely never would have taken place in "real life."
My shell has pretty much been gone for some time, but I have this comfort zone that prevents me from doing anything out of the ordinary or wild. I think I have the equivalent of an InvisiFence inside my head. Anytime my brain starts to think of something risky, adventurous, dangerous, or the least bit off the beaten path, my InvisiFence goes nuts. "NO!! STEP AWAY FROM THE DANGER ZONE!! STAY INSIDE THE COMFORT ZONE! STAY INSIDE!!!!!" That comfort zone is getting bigger and the fence is starting to break down. I'm not scared to talk with people anymore. I'm not afraid to go somewhere by myself. I don't mind asking for help (ok, I'm still working on this one). I have the desire to learn something new, go new places, meet new people. And I like it.
Don't worry... I haven't given my social security or bank account number to anyone. I haven't agreed to adopt any puppies from Malaysia or accept any bank deposits from the recently deceased Ambassador of Nigeria. I am still taking care of myself, and my kids, and making sure that I play the game safely. But the rules of the game are starting to ease up a bit, and that comfort zone is slowly fading away. It's not gone yet, and it may never be. There are, after all, some things to say about keeping one's boundaries in tact and one's dignity high. But I'm liking this continued high that I get from meeting and talking with people. And stepping outside of my comfort zone, even if it's just for a moment.
Closing the Chapter
Well, it's been a little while since I've written again, which means that I'm a little busy and I have a lot on my mind. Had dinner the other night with some very good friends, followed by a much needed heart to heart, thus allowing me to sort of hit the reset button in myself.
I've been getting wrapped up in my own personal drama that I swore I didn't want to get wrapped up in. After speaking with my friend, and bitching a little and crying, I came to realize something that I think I have known for a long time.
Dear Kate:
You will not be able to move on to the next chapter of your life if you don't finish this one first. Close the damn chapter!
Love,
Your Heart and Mind
I am not always right (even though every now and then I like to think so). I am not perfect. I do not always make the best decisions, especially when I'm angry. I can't always do a good job of controlling my emotions. And I don't always agree with the choices of others. However, it does me no good to sit around and bemoan these points. The drama I'm wrapping myself in is making me angry, bitter, sad, upset... and negative. I don't want to be any of those things. No matter how happy I think I am, I can still allow myself to be sucked into the drama and I have to start building my happiness all over again. I mentally will never be able to move on if I can't just let go. I thought a number of months ago that I had let go. I told myeslf I was done with the stupid drama and that I was ok. Baby steps. I have to recognize that I need to take baby steps. I can say it again- I want to be done with stupid drama. But I'll get sucked in again sooner or later by something or other. I have to be able to lessen the effect that drama has on me. Little by little, the effect will become less and less and eventually I'll be able to truly say, "I'm done. I let go."
Yet another simple, but incredibly difficult lesson in life. And one that I am determined to make good use of. Eventually.
I've been getting wrapped up in my own personal drama that I swore I didn't want to get wrapped up in. After speaking with my friend, and bitching a little and crying, I came to realize something that I think I have known for a long time.
Dear Kate:
You will not be able to move on to the next chapter of your life if you don't finish this one first. Close the damn chapter!
Love,
Your Heart and Mind
I am not always right (even though every now and then I like to think so). I am not perfect. I do not always make the best decisions, especially when I'm angry. I can't always do a good job of controlling my emotions. And I don't always agree with the choices of others. However, it does me no good to sit around and bemoan these points. The drama I'm wrapping myself in is making me angry, bitter, sad, upset... and negative. I don't want to be any of those things. No matter how happy I think I am, I can still allow myself to be sucked into the drama and I have to start building my happiness all over again. I mentally will never be able to move on if I can't just let go. I thought a number of months ago that I had let go. I told myeslf I was done with the stupid drama and that I was ok. Baby steps. I have to recognize that I need to take baby steps. I can say it again- I want to be done with stupid drama. But I'll get sucked in again sooner or later by something or other. I have to be able to lessen the effect that drama has on me. Little by little, the effect will become less and less and eventually I'll be able to truly say, "I'm done. I let go."
Yet another simple, but incredibly difficult lesson in life. And one that I am determined to make good use of. Eventually.
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