Preserving Friendships

I screwed up.  Big.Time.  I took certain actions that unintentionally hurt someone I love.  The actions themselves were innocent, but the long-term consequences were monumental, and I knew this.  Still, I never purposefully meant to hurt this person.  Seems like every time I try to protect someone, or somehow make life a little easier, or make more than one person happy, or fix a situation, it backfires and I just end up screwing up.

So, what can I do about this? Well, the obvious answer is, "Learn from your mistakes and don't screw up the same way twice."  Unfortunately, situations seem to be different enough from one another that I don't always see the screw up coming.  I think, "I will do it better this time, and I'll be more conscious of how that person feel,s" but then there's some other angle of the situation that I don't anticipate. Bam. Screwed up.

There have been plenty of occasions when I have thought that I am really no good at maintaining a decent relationship - with anyone!  I've quite often wondered over the years how men and women have meaningful relationships together at all.  I mean, we tend to see things so differently, and every now and then I wonder if the perspectives of either side are even located in the same universe.  Sometimes I think I have better friendships with guys than women.  And sometimes I think I have better friendships with women than men.  Why do some relationships come so easy and others take an immense amount of work?  How do we know when the relationship is worthwhile, and when it's just frivolous? And what exactly do we need to do to find, keep and even improve on a wonderful relationship with another human being?

I think that I've learned a few things along the way, but I'm by no means an expert.  If you perchance think that I am about to give advice that's concrete, proven, tried and true, may I suggest that you go back and read the first paragraph again.  I screw up.  A lot.  With lots of different people.  I'm not an expert.  But I do my best to learn from my mistakes and not repeat the same situation.  That said, here's a few things I've learned.

• Be yourself.  Duh.  So many people try to be someone or something they're truly not, and it just gives false impressions to other people who might want a relationship with you, and eventually causes problems.  So just be you, and be proud of you.
• Accept criticism gracefully.  Everyone's first instinct is to bare the teeth and bring out the claws when we feel that we are being criticized or attacked in any way.  Don't.  Instead, breathe.  Breathe deep.  Calmly accept what you are being told, and do your best to acknowledge the other person's side of the situation.  That doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but take a step out of your shoes for a moment or two.  
• Listen.  Good relationships are based on listening.  It's our nature to want to talk about us- our problems, our triumphs, our joys, our sorrows.  When you can put your own issues on hold, truly listen and sincerely care about someone else's issues, we are laying the foundation for a very solid relationship. 
• Don't expect everything to go your way.  This is my Numero Uno.  I never thought of myself as controlling, but the more arguments I have, the more I realize that I am.  If the conflict is not resolved in the manner in which I feel it should be, I get very upset about it.  Both opponents need to understand the other's position, and be empathetic to the fact that our view is not the only view.  
• Put on the poker face and stay calm.  Ok, another Numero Uno.  An extremely difficult task for me, especially when I'm heated.  My emotions go haywire, the words come flying out my mouth before my brain has a chance to edit them, and my tone gets louder and meaner.  Not exactly constructive.  Breathe, breathe deep, keep a straight face and speak slowly and softly.  Hard to do, yes.  But it could help stave off an escalated war.
• Enjoy the good.  Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about what we should be doing, or will be doing in a little while, or something other than what we are doing right now.  When presented with an opportunity to have fun, just have fun.  Don't worry about the coulda-shoulda-woulda's.  Focus on there Here and Now.
• Discuss problems.  Despite the tendency to want to squash problems, sweep them under the rug and ignore them (admit it, we've all done this), a discussion needs to take place in order to resolve any kind of issue.  And by 'discussion' I mean a calm, civil exchange between two rational human beings.  Not a throw down, no-holds-barred, all out fight.  It takes two people to fight, but usually just one can bring the overall tone back down to earth.  
• Admit when you're wrong.  Plain and simple.  Admit it, sincerely.  Apologize, sincerely.  Ask for forgiveness, sincerely.
• Never underestimate your own self worth.  No relationship is perfect, and no person is perfect.  But relationships self-destruct when one side thinks of her/himself at a much lower standard than deserved.  Recognize that everyone has attributes and qualities that are worth loving and celebrating.  Everyone.  Yes, even you.
• Work together.  Relationships are a two way street.  Both parties must be equally tolerant, loving, responsible, considerate, empathetic, helpful to the other.  If one person has to work too hard to keep the balance on par, eventually, they will give up and abandon ship.  

There's my two cents.  Everyday I strive to master these guidelines.  Hell, I've worked pretty hard to even be able to recognize some of these guidelines.  When faced with a difficult period in a relationship, we each must be able to hold our head high and say, "I've done the best I can."  Relationships are not easy.  Let's do all we can to help each other through.  After all, we're in this journey together.  

Conflict

I don't fight well with people.  I guess I never have.  I say this because I have realized that much of the conflict I deal with is partially my own fault.  I pick fights.  I say things that don't need to be said.  I over-react.  I allow myself to get angry, and then I stew.  Oh, I stew like no one's ever stewed before!  I don't just slide into a deep dark hole of anger, I all but throw myself there.  And for what purpose?  I have no idea.

I'm generally a very happy, friendly person.  For many years, when I got angry, I didn't really do anything about it.  I would brush it under the rug, fix things myself or just ignore the reasons I was upset and pretend everything was ok.  Just for the record, these methods do not work very well in most situations.  At least not that I've found.  There is something to be said for walking away from a fight, and knowing when to shut up (something I am definitely lacking), but I have realized that when you just pretend the problem doesn't exist or doesn't upset you, it never gets solved.  You may be able to ignore it for a while, but the next time a similar scenario comes up - and it will - the emotions and anger are brought back to the surface.

I like to run away from conflict. Which is probably why I kept my mouth shut over certain things for so many years.  Just didn't want to deal with it.  Or didn't know how to deal with it.  I've grown up some in 20 years, and have learned a thing or two, but apparently my brain cannot comprehend the "fighting nicely" techniques that I know I have been shown.  Given the opportunity, and a tiny bit of explosive sarcasm, I turn into the Queen of WWIII.  Granted, I'm not the only one who contributes, but I know there are ways to prevent this.

I've been told in not so many words that I am controlling, and if something isn't done my way it's not right.  I deny it, but in thinking about various scenarios that ended badly, I realize that perhaps there is more truth to that than I wish to admit.  I have a way of doing things, a way of saying things, a way of handling things.  It may not always be the best way, but it's my way.  And just because it's my way doesn't mean it has to be someone else's way.  People deal with the same situation in very different ways.  This is the part I need to understand and respect.  I need to learn to step back and give people the room they need in order to deal with it.  Stop digging, and analyzing and asking questions.  Just step back.

Then there's the "letting go" aspect of the fight.  With some people, once a fight is said and done, it's simply said and done.  Period.  The end.  Forget about it.  Not so with me.  I tuck things away, waiting for another opportunity to bring them out and them in my opponent's face.  I remember stupid, minuscule, petty things that annoy me, and I let those things continue to annoy me.  I base current arguments on past circumstances, and sometimes the two don't even connect together.  I get sucked into the heat of the moment, then I let the bombs drop.  I say things I don't mean, things that are just plain mean, and plenty of things that I regret within a split second of saying them.  I literally cannot shut up.  And that's my biggest detriment.

So, why am I outlining all this?  I'm not really sure. Maybe because I'm hoping that by seeing it in writing, I'll be able to better control it. Or by sharing it with others, I'll be able to adjust it.  Or that maybe someone who acts the same way I do will be able to learn a little bit about themselves.

These are all guidelines I have learned of how to fight well with others.  I just wish I could remember to follow them.

• Don't bring up the past.  
• Choose your words carefully.  
• Think before your speak.  
• Don't blame.  
• Take ownership of your actions.  
• Remember, body language and tone speak louder than the actual words. 
• Apologize when it's needed.  
• Be the bigger person.  
• Remember your mistakes - and we all make them.  
• Check your attitude.  
• Don't expect others to abide by "your way." 
• Listen carefully. 
• Be respectful.  
• Don't scream, don't use name-calling and don't use foul language.   

Most of all, don't ever forget that it takes two to fight.  End with a hug and "I love you." Relationships are too precious to be marred by petty things.  Everyone fights.  It's how we fight that makes the difference.