Since the beginning of 2010, I have been exploring who I am, who I can be, my strengths, my weaknesses, and the things I want to change about myself and my life. I've been doing a pretty good job of breaking down some of the walls and barriers that had been built up. After a huge plummet, I've managed to increase my confidence and happiness, and change my perception of and attitude towards a number of things that had previously stressed me out and made me upset.
As proud as I am of these changes and improvements, there are always road bumps to overcome. I don't believe the journey of self-improvement is ever really finished. There are almost always minor tweaks or major changes that can take place. There are always outside influences that have the potential to knock you down, but there are also many influences that have to potential to pick you back up. We have the capability to choose how to react to each influence. Lately, I've been allowing myself to feel doubt about my abilities as a mother, significant other and friend. I've allowed criticism and sarcasm from various sources to get the better of me and eat away at my confidence. Needless to say, I don't like it, and I've decided that I'm going to put an end to it.
It's really all about how we choose to handle things. We can't control what other people do or say, but we can filter out the bad from the good. And we can determine what's worth getting upset over and what isn't. Sometimes a criticism has some merit. Sometimes the people or things that knock us down do so out of love and concern, or do so unintentionally. Sometimes a good, swift kick in the butt is what we need to make a change. And sometimes, after careful consideration, these things can be disregarded.
Throughout my life, for every one person who has said something negative about or to me, there have been at least 5 people who have said something positive. Every time my confidence was thrown out of whack, there are at least 5 instances when it was built up. For every angry word said toward me, there have been hundreds of loving words. I am not perfect, and I will do stupid things from time to time, and I will admit it when something I've done negatively affects someone else. Neither are my friends perfect, and sometimes things they say or do may negatively affect me. In order to avoid some of the hurt that I sometimes perceive from others, I need to find the courage to let them know my feelings. This has always been a little difficult for me, but I have learned the hard way that it does no good to keep things hidden away.
It's not necessarily the fall from grace that scares me. It's the staying down that scares me. If you can rally yourself with enough courage to hold your head high, even when you feel like you're being beaten down, to stand tall when all you want to do is curl up and cry, to face the criticism when you wish it would just blow away... if you can do all these things, then your recovery will be much easier and the fall won't seem so bad.
A Life of Abundance
Last September, I wrote a Gratitude List, a list of 100 things, people and quotes that I am thankful for. I have gone back to this list a number of times since I wrote it (it's in 4 parts, to make it easier to digest), and remind myself almost daily of the riches that I have in my life.
Money has always been a big stressor for me. Always. I constantly feel that I don't have enough of it to pay for the things I need (and my creditors seem to agree) or the things I want. Although I do not have an extravagant lifestyle by any means, it's always a struggle for me to freely spend money. I can spend it, no problem, but then I feel guilty about it later. Or something else suffers because of a purchase I made previously. I've come to the dismal conclusion that the Money Monster has me in a terrible choke hold and controls much of what I do and the way that I live. This is a very bad conception.
Do you believe that your perception of the world helps improve the way you live? I have been in conference with an incredible group of women who do believe this, and who have helped me understand that we can (to an extent, at least) control the things that affect our lives. Perception and attitude can be the difference between a good day or a bad day, a productive meeting or a waste of time, a positive or negative influence. I've learned that our patterns of thinking can also make a big difference in how we perceive something, and in turn our attitude towards it.
For years and years I have had negative thoughts toward money. "I can't pay for this, I don't have enough, I'll never have enough." I think it's kind of ingrained into us, as a society, to hold negative thoughts about money. It may be true that money makes the world go 'round, but it doesn't always need to have the spotlight. It's said that what we focus on, we manifest. In other words, focus on the negative things and more negativity will find you. Focus on the positive things, and positivity will abound.
My attitude about money has been so bad, it's no wonder I've buried myself in a seemingly endless cycle. I get upset about not having money, which throws me into a slight depression, which robs me of my motivation, which strips my creativity, which makes me more depressed. And downward I go, not having any desire to fix my situation, yet wishing a windfall of money would land in my lap. Wish all I want, no money is going to appear unless I move out of my rut and do something about it.
So, I'm doing my best to change my thought pattern about money. I have never been one to practice daily affirmations, but I do believe they have their place in shifting the story we tell others. Tell a better story, live a better life. It is possible to live a healthy, prosperous, wonderful life without making zillions of dollars. And, sometimes the people with the most money are those who are also most miserable. I control the money, it does not control me. Money is not evil. Money does not rule my life. Everything I need is within me, now. I am the luckiest girl in the world. The phrases, "can't afford" and "don't have enough" can be replaced with "choosing to make another purchase right now" and "spending my money wisely." Yes, it helps, but money is not necessary to have fun. Above my desk at work hangs a calendar with all sorts of photos of my kids. The August page is of a day last year when I took them outside, gave them finger paints and bubbles, and we all had a blast all afternoon long. They still talk about painting the driveway. Yes, I had to buy the paints from the store, but that's a minimal cost and we could even make our own if we tried. And, the $5.99 or whatever it was I spent at the store was well worth an afternoon of incredible memories and fun.
Change the stories. Shift the attitude. Think of things with a positive spin, and those things will become more abundant. Not overnight, but eventually. "I control the money." "My business, my services, my products, my projects are worth the money." "I see myself generating more money." What we say out loud is what we create. Monitor your words, and your stories. Sometimes a small shift in attitude can make a very big difference. No matter what my bank account may say, I still believe I am the richest and luckiest girl in the world.
Money has always been a big stressor for me. Always. I constantly feel that I don't have enough of it to pay for the things I need (and my creditors seem to agree) or the things I want. Although I do not have an extravagant lifestyle by any means, it's always a struggle for me to freely spend money. I can spend it, no problem, but then I feel guilty about it later. Or something else suffers because of a purchase I made previously. I've come to the dismal conclusion that the Money Monster has me in a terrible choke hold and controls much of what I do and the way that I live. This is a very bad conception.
Do you believe that your perception of the world helps improve the way you live? I have been in conference with an incredible group of women who do believe this, and who have helped me understand that we can (to an extent, at least) control the things that affect our lives. Perception and attitude can be the difference between a good day or a bad day, a productive meeting or a waste of time, a positive or negative influence. I've learned that our patterns of thinking can also make a big difference in how we perceive something, and in turn our attitude towards it.
For years and years I have had negative thoughts toward money. "I can't pay for this, I don't have enough, I'll never have enough." I think it's kind of ingrained into us, as a society, to hold negative thoughts about money. It may be true that money makes the world go 'round, but it doesn't always need to have the spotlight. It's said that what we focus on, we manifest. In other words, focus on the negative things and more negativity will find you. Focus on the positive things, and positivity will abound.
My attitude about money has been so bad, it's no wonder I've buried myself in a seemingly endless cycle. I get upset about not having money, which throws me into a slight depression, which robs me of my motivation, which strips my creativity, which makes me more depressed. And downward I go, not having any desire to fix my situation, yet wishing a windfall of money would land in my lap. Wish all I want, no money is going to appear unless I move out of my rut and do something about it.
So, I'm doing my best to change my thought pattern about money. I have never been one to practice daily affirmations, but I do believe they have their place in shifting the story we tell others. Tell a better story, live a better life. It is possible to live a healthy, prosperous, wonderful life without making zillions of dollars. And, sometimes the people with the most money are those who are also most miserable. I control the money, it does not control me. Money is not evil. Money does not rule my life. Everything I need is within me, now. I am the luckiest girl in the world. The phrases, "can't afford" and "don't have enough" can be replaced with "choosing to make another purchase right now" and "spending my money wisely." Yes, it helps, but money is not necessary to have fun. Above my desk at work hangs a calendar with all sorts of photos of my kids. The August page is of a day last year when I took them outside, gave them finger paints and bubbles, and we all had a blast all afternoon long. They still talk about painting the driveway. Yes, I had to buy the paints from the store, but that's a minimal cost and we could even make our own if we tried. And, the $5.99 or whatever it was I spent at the store was well worth an afternoon of incredible memories and fun.
Change the stories. Shift the attitude. Think of things with a positive spin, and those things will become more abundant. Not overnight, but eventually. "I control the money." "My business, my services, my products, my projects are worth the money." "I see myself generating more money." What we say out loud is what we create. Monitor your words, and your stories. Sometimes a small shift in attitude can make a very big difference. No matter what my bank account may say, I still believe I am the richest and luckiest girl in the world.
The Birthday Moose
Today is my youngest son's third birthday. This is extremely bittersweet for me, as is all of my children's birthdays. I'm a little sad that my babies are growing up, but I'm happy and proud of the little people they've become.
No longer a chubby, round-faced, drooling, incoherent infant, my littlest baby has an extraordinary vocabulary, uses full and complete sentences, makes his own deductions and decisions, is extremely tenacious and independent, and has an imagination the size of the universe. Just like his brother and sister. All 3 have made me extremely proud of who they have become, and I have high hopes for what each of their futures will bring.
I have learned a lot from all 3 kids. All 3 have their own individual perspective of the world and how to deal with it. And all 3 have helped me immensely to push through difficult periods, overcome negative emotions and see the world a little differently.
No longer a chubby, round-faced, drooling, incoherent infant, my littlest baby has an extraordinary vocabulary, uses full and complete sentences, makes his own deductions and decisions, is extremely tenacious and independent, and has an imagination the size of the universe. Just like his brother and sister. All 3 have made me extremely proud of who they have become, and I have high hopes for what each of their futures will bring.
I have learned a lot from all 3 kids. All 3 have their own individual perspective of the world and how to deal with it. And all 3 have helped me immensely to push through difficult periods, overcome negative emotions and see the world a little differently.
- Smile and laugh whenever you can. My Moose is a clown. There is no doubt about that. Every time he sees a camera, whether it's pointed directly at him or not, he'll throw on his biggest, cheesiest "Cheese!" smile he can manage. He's made me laugh in countless ways, almost every single day of his life. He is rarely in a bad mood. And when he is, it usually means he needs a nap. He is one of the happiest kids I know.
- Do it yourself. Have I mentioned lately that he is tenacious and stubborn? How about independent? Yep... there's no question about that either. If he wants it, he'll do whatever he can to get it. Which can be frustrating from a parental point of view, but at the same time, he can do so much by himself that it sometimes amazes me. He's watched this family function around the house, and he knows that if he puts a stool next to the counter, he can open the cabinet and reach the box of gummies. He knows that if he wants to get into the toy chest by the front door, he has to first take off all the stuff that's on top. And he'll do it. Why wait for Mama when I can get it myself?
- Keep up, and learn from the others. Being the youngest of 3 kids, I think he spends a good part of his life trying to keep up with his older siblings. Whatever the older 2 get to do, he wants to do too. This has taught him plenty of things (climbing on the stool to get the gummies is the least of my worries), most of which are pretty harmless. But he never misses an opportunity to watch what the other kids do, mimic it, remember it, and learn from it.
- Do your own thing. As much as he keeps up with his siblings, he's a kid who marches to his own drummer. Sometimes, no matter what any of the rest of us are doing, or how much we try to convince him that he wants to do it too, he refuses. If he wants to sit and play with cars, by golly, he's gonna sit and play with cars. He's not too much of a follower, and I kind of like that in him.
- Share the love. When he was 2 and just learning to speak, I would say to him, "I love you past space." And he would respond with "Ah lah lou pas space, Mama." It was about the sweetest thing a Mama could hear. (That, and when my oldest responds with, "I love you even more.") His newest love line is, "I like you, Mama. You make my heart very happy." Melts me every time. He gives the biggest hugs of anyone, and is usually more than happy to plant a big, wet kiss on someone. For as "moosey" as he is, the love just pours out of him.
- Keep your imagination strong. He has a fake pager that came with a tool bench he got for Christmas. He uses it like a phone. The other day he came up to me and said, very sternly, "Mama! Shhh! I'm on the phone, you have to be quiet now." Then, putting the "phone" between his ear and his shoulder, he said, "Hi, it's me. Now, what you said? Uh-huh. Ok. Sure. Ok, I'll be right there." Then he said something about going to fix something, grabbed his plastic hammer and ran into the other room. Not only did he quote me directly (how many times to the kids get scolded for interrupting a phone call?), but his imagination was in full swing and he was on a mission to fix someone's house. He's also told me that he owns a Rescue Pack (thank you, Diego), that he's a doggie (complete with dog-like actions), and there are monsters in the house he has to go shoot (with his brother's Nerf guns or Star Wars light saber). Definitely no shortage of imagination in this house, and I love it.
I look forward every day to learning from my kids. And it makes me smile to watch them grow, develop and learn. I've no doubt that the future holds great things for all of my kids. I'm already proud of them, and I can't wait to see what else they will teach me.
Indecision
There have been a lot of changes in my life lately. And that is forcing me to make a lot of choices. And, of course, these choices I am making are affecting a number of different people. I am doing my best to make the choices that will benefit all those involved in the highest possible regard. This is not always an easy task. And, I sometimes question the benefits versus the consequences of the choices I have made.
"A weak man has doubts before a decision, a strong man has them afterwards." ~Karl Kraus
I like to think of myself as a fairly strong person. Not necessarily so much in the physical sense, although I've been surprising myself in that area lately. I've never had to endure life-changing tragedy, and my life has always been pretty run of the mill, but I still consider myself a mentally stable and strong person. But I'm extremely indecisive. Does this contradict itself? Can one be indecisive and still be strong?
My indecisiveness often comes out in really silly places, like the grocery store. Which is a better deal... what brand should I buy... should I get one box or two? These are the ridiculous questions that run through my mind as I stand in the grocery store aisle, trying to look like I've got it all together and I know exactly what I'm buying. My indecision makes it's way to higher levels of importance, as well. A number of years ago, my car died unexpectedly and I was forced to get a new one. Luckily my family could survive on one car at the time, and I obsessed obsessively for a full month about what kind of car to get. I narrowed it down to 2 models, and finally chose the Chevy Malibu Max. I was proud of myself for doing the research so extensively and felt confident in my choice. And it was a fine choice, until I got pregnant with child #3, and realized that 2 carseats were not comfortably fitting in the back seat of that car.
But the point is, I have come to realize that I don't always like the commitment of making big decisions. So, does this make me a weak person? I don't really think so, although sometimes I may come across as such. I think deep down inside of me, I know what it is I want, I'm just not always sure the best way to go about getting it. Therein lies the indecision and potential weakness. It all comes down to fear. Fear of failing, fear of regretting a choice, fear of making a choice that will negatively affect someone else, fear of making a choice that will negatively affect me, fear of hurting someone.
I don't want or mean to do any of these things. I do my best to hold others in great regard and consider them in all of my choices. Who it is in the forefront, I guess, depends on the decision and situation at hand. But still, I don't make choices with the intention to hurt anyone. The butterfly affect can be a funny thing, however, and I've found that seemingly harmless choices have come back to haunt me or others for what appears to be a very silly reason.
I've been told that the best I can do is simply follow my instincts and do the best I can. No one - including myself - can or should expect anything else. I don't think any decision I've made has had a horribly negative, long-lasting impact. My kids and I are all healthy, happy, we have clothes to wear, a house to live in, and food on the table. I hold very little regret for most of my decisions, especially the "big" life-changing ones. And so long as I can learn from the mistakes I've made, and do my best to make future decisions with those lessons in mind, I guess I really can't expect anything more from myself.
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