Living the Resolutions

The end of 2010 brought on some pretty stiff resolutions.  Knowing that it would be in my best interest to keep these, I worked hard to live by them. And I think I did pretty well.  I reminded myself of them often, and repeating them helped me stay focused on the important things in my life.

So, how do I top them?  Not really sure that I do, but that's ok.  In fact, I'm going to resurrect one or two in this year's list.  Besides, making resolutions isn't about going above and beyond previous years.  It's about finding something you can live by that will help make, and keep, you a better person than you may have been in years past.

1. I resolve to not let my fears crush my spirit.  I like this one so much, I'm making it Numero Uno again for the year 2012.  No matter what the situation is, there is no reason that my spirit can't outlive my fear.  
2. I resolve to choose happiness.  This sounds kind of dumb, but as you may have heard me say before, I believe there is always a choice.  A person will be truly happy only when they allow themselves to be.  
3. I resolve to share the love.  What goes around, comes around.  And I'd like to add... what goes around, comes around, ten-fold or more.  There is no reason I can't be loving to others, after all the love I've received.  
4. I resolve to find my way about the obstacles.  Obstacles are put in our way not to prevent us from getting something, but to see how badly we want it.  This is a big one for me, as I am easily distracted and dissuaded.  More effort needs to be spent on getting what I want rather than finding something different to get.
5. I resolve to continue to focus on the things that enrich my life.  In the whole grand scheme of life, I have very little to complain about.  Very little.  I am fully aware of this, yet, somehow desire or envy still have the ability to creep in and make me lose sight of what's really important.  I am so very grateful for the friends, the family, the relationships I have which have made my life all that much better.  Material things pale in comparison.  

May 2012 bring everyone peace, love, light and prosperity.  May you laugh more than cry.  May your heart burst with love.  May you be showered with kindness.  May you be blessed in every way.  Happy New Year!

Reflection

The end of the year is always a time for reflection... to look back and say "This was a good year, and this is why" or "This year kind of stunk, so here's how I'm gonna make next year better."  At the end of 2010 I had racked up a whole lot of "Here's how to make next year better" pointers.  I had a slew of quotations, parables, stories and inspirations under my belt and was fully prepared to use every single one to ensure that 2011 was a much better year.  And it worked.  For me, 2011 was miles above 2010 on the Happiness Scale.

I had numerous people at various times throughout the past year and a half tell me how inspirational I had been to them.  There is no better feeling in the world than knowing I helped someone in some small way.  Whether we all believe it or not (I didn't, until last year), every single one of us has the power to be inspirational to someone else.  We may not all be suited to being therapists, counselors or life coaches, but each of us touch a whole lot of other people's lives.  The magnitude of how we touch other lives is up to us.

2011 brought a whole lot of changes for me.  Including stepping WAY outside of my usual comfort zone, which led to one new relationship, which led to new adventures, a new sense of spontaneity, new activities, new music, new happiness, more new friendships and new growth.  That's a big ripple effect.  I also learned how to take initiative, and turned a potentially detrimental situation into an enjoyable and profitable venture.  The skills needed to make these things work have always been in me, I just had to learn how to make better use of them.

I don't think it's ever too late to improve upon oneself.  In fact, I think we as humans need constant improving.  To become too stagnant with oneself is to lose the essential vivaciousness to embrace life.  There needs to be more to life than simply "living day to day."  As humans, we crave excitement and stimulation.  We crave growth.

So, what do I see when I look back on 2011?  I see continued change in and improvement of myself.  I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I hope I never stop learning how to be better.  I see an ever-growing confidence.  Confidence in my abilities as a mom, a friend, a daughter, a significant other, an employee, a businesswoman.  Not an arrogant confidence, but a learning confidence- "I can do this, but I can also learn to do more."  I see magic feathers.  Just like Dumbo, every now and then, I like to take hold of that feather (or in my case, magic rocks) that can make me fly, that can make me invincible.  I take comfort in holding my magic rocks, but I also take comfort in seeing them on my dresser (and yes, I do have more than 1) instead of in my hand.  Seeing them sitting on the dresser means I'm 'flying' on my own.  I see happiness.  Every morning, I wake up.  Every time I open my eyes, I can see.  Every time I sit at the computer, I can move my fingers to type.  I can hug and kiss my kids, sing songs, listen to music, dance, buy my own groceries, smell brewing coffee, and taste chocolate.  All of these are reasons to be happy.  Why should I complain?

When you look back on 2011, I hope you see plenty of reasons to be happy.  If the reasons aren't obvious right away, take a deeper look.  Find reasons.  There are always reasons to be happy.  And there is still time to write your own happy ending.

Inspirations for Living Life

Inspiration is all around us.  I get emails, see things on Facebook, read things from friends, and stumble across many inspirational quotes, stories, and "rules to live by."  Here are some adaptations of what I've learned from all these sources over the past year (and maybe a little before that, too).

1. No one said life is easy.  Life is a tough game to play, but it's still good, and worth the effort to play it.
2. Keep those you love close to you.  Stay in touch, however you can.
3. When you think you can't continue, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and take the next small step.  You'll be surprised at the courage and strength you can find when you need it most.  You are stronger than you think.
4. Don't be afraid to ask for help.  Life can throw us some pretty big curveballs.  Lean on those who are closest to you.  You'll both benefit. 
5. When you need to cry, call on someone.  I'ts more healing to cry with someone than it is to cry alone.
6. It's ok to let your children see you cry.  They may offer more encouragement and strength than you can imagine.
7. You have the power to change things in your life.  If you don't like something, figure out a different way and change it.
8. There is always a choice to be happy or unhappy.  No matter what the situation is, choose happiness.
9. Be grateful. Don't ever take anyone or anything for granted.  Their purpose may be greater than you initially think.
10. Be present and enjoy now.  Don't wait for something better to come along. Make the most of what's already in front of you.
11. Every day has the potential to be a special day.  Make it so.
12. See life through the eyes of a child.  Not everything has to be as complicated as we adults make it out to be.
13. Let your children remind you how to truly play.  Enter their world, and allow it to encompass you. 
14. Be what you can for others... and for yourself.  
15. Don't let anyone take away who you truly are.  Change only what YOU want to change.
16. Muster up all the courage you can for 20 solid seconds, and see what incredible thing you can make happen.
17. Sometimes it's ok to close your eyes and take a leap of faith.
18. Always strive to be a good example. 
19. When faced with a decision, flip a coin.  In the moment that the coin is in the air, you'll realize on which side you hope it lands.
20. Smile, even when you don't feel like it.  Smile long enough and you'll start to be in a better mood.
21. Believe in magic, and in miracles.  
22. Look for opportunity in unexpected places.
23. Go off the beaten trail once in a while.  Take the detour and don't worry about how long it will take to get you there.  Enjoy the ride.
24. Believe in yourself.  You're not as bad off as you may think.  
25. Treasure true friendship.
26. Don't compare your life to someone else's.  Their journey may be more difficult than you know.
27. Make peace with your past.  Accept what's been done, and don't let it mess up your future.
28. Don't waste time being envious or hateful.  You are surrounded by everything you need.  Just look for it.
29. Live on the edge.  Do something completely out of character just once to see how it feels.  Let it feel good.
30. Don't limit yourself to "the way it's always been."  Do things differently now and then.
31. Live life with intention.  Find a purpose, and work to fulfill it.  No one is here by mistake.
32. When you think no one cares about you, call the first 3 people to come to mind.  Ask them to describe you.  Their words will be kind and sincere.  
33. Never deny yourself the chance to make a new friend.  It could be the best friendship you ever had.
34. Always be respectful of others.  Even in an argument, be polite.  
35. Don't worry so much about growing old gracefully... just be sure to grow old happily.
36. Your attitude speaks volumes about you, and is the first thing people will notice.  Let it shine brightly, no matter what.
37. Love unconditionally.  Eventually we all make mistakes, but we all still need to be loved.
38. Be reliable.  It will prove you have good character.
39. Enjoy the wonder of nature every day.  
40. Worry only about you.  You can't control others, so don't bother trying.  Do what you're suppose to do, when you're suppose to do it, and you'll always have reason to be proud.
41. Hold your head high, even when you are feeling down.  Do your best to smile through the tears.  Don't let your fears crush your spirit.
42. See yourself the way others see you - beautiful through and through.
43. Follow your instinct.  Just because "everyone else is doing it" doesn't make it right or good for you.
44. Be passionate about something.  Share that passion with others.
45. Keep your standards high.  Expect only the best, but allow yourself forgiveness if you fall a little short.
46. Be silly.  It keeps you smiling, and keeps you young.
47. Laugh out loud whenever you can.  There is no better therapy than a sincere, gut-wrenching, deep down belly laugh.
48. Forgive everyone.  Wipe the slate clean and allow yourself to move on.
49. Pay it forward.  In whatever manner you are able, make something a little easier for someone else.  The love we give will come back to us ten-fold.
50. Never pass up the opportunity to spend time with friends, family or your children.  There is nothing you'll regret missing more.

Thankfulness

Last year, I made a "Gratitude List" of 100 things I was thankful for.  A year later, many things on this list remain the same, although there are some modifications.  Life has changed for me.  I am grateful now for people and things that I did not know existed.  I have found more qualities within myself to be grateful for.  I've read more quotes.  I've experienced more of life, both good and bad.  I've grown, as we all should, over the past year.  That, in and of itself is worth celebrating and being thankful for.

1. Friends still remain at the top of my gratitude list.  Although the dynamic of my friendships have changed, and some have been added, and others taken away, these are the people who are the core of me.  Some of these people know everything there is to know about me and then some.  Others many not know me very well, but support and encourage and love me all the same.  Friends will always be at the top of my list, and the biggest reason that I consider myself wealthy beyond belief.
2. Followed closely by family.  No question, I would not be where I am today without the support and love of my family.  They've given me tons to be grateful for, they've bailed me out when I needed it, they've supported me in many ways, they're always there when I need them, and they're always fun to be with.  I am extremely lucky and thankful to have such a large, close-knit, loving family.
3. My kids.  These 3 little humans are the light of my life.  Without fully understanding it, they've helped me grieve, helped me heal, made me smile, made me laugh, and made me the richest person alive.  There are days when I would like to sell them to a zoo, but I could not imagine being without them.  Every single day, I am thankful for them.
4. My passion for scrapbooking.  If there is one way to make myself cry in an instant, it's to crack open any of my scrapbooks.  These books are tangible documentation of how incredibly full and blessed my life truly is.  Others may think it's "just a hobby" or a silly waste of time, but scrapbooking is a serious matter in my life.  Scrapbooks bring people together, they allow us (and others) to appreciate what and who we have, they give our photos purpose.  If I have it my way, I will never give up my passion for scrapbooking.
5. The ability to be home with my kids.  For years, I wanted nothing more than to stay home and raise my kids.  I was finally given that opportunity... granted, not by my own accord, but the opportunity all the same.  Finances have been difficult, and some adjustments have been made, but everything works out in the end, and there is always a silver lining.  My silver lining is that I get to walk my kids to school and pick them up at least 3 times a week, and I don't have to shuffle them around while I'm at work.  
6. Regardless of my financial situation, I have a house to live in, a car to drive, the means to put food on the table and clothes on my body, and the resources to fend for myself.  I'm grateful to have these things, when I know that there are plenty of others who don't.
7. Music.  Always inspiring, sometimes tear-jerking, a taste of mine that is ever-changing, and something that will always be present in my life and the lives of my kids.  Be it jazz, pop, hip-hop, grunge, metal, dance, country or anything in between, live or via radio or satellite, I will always soak up whatever music I can.
8. Dance.  One is never too old to dance with your kids, nor too young to dance with your grandparents. Dancing is good for the soul, no matter what form it's in.  I'm a firm believer of this.  And, now, so are my kids.
9. The ability to write and use words to express myself.  Writing has always been a natural ability and a favorite thing to do, ever since I can remember.  I've not won any Pulitzer prize because of my writing, but it's satisfactory enough for me to be able to write this blog, share my words, and bring some level of comfort to myself and others through my writing.  To me, that is successful enough, and well worth my efforts. 
10. To be an inspiration to others.  In my own small way, I am changing the world.  In sharing my positive thoughts with others, I have the ability to influence them and the way they think.  This is a big deal, and every compliment I've ever received because of this has immeasurable meaning to me.  Priceless.  If I can make just one person smile in the course of a day, getting out of bed in the morning was totally worth it.  

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more.  If you concentrate on what you don't have, you'll never have enough." -Oprah Winfrey

Everyone has things to be thankful for.  This Thanksgiving, take a moment or two to seriously contemplate how awesome your life really is, and how awesome you really are.  Each of us make a difference in someone else's life, and we all have at least one other someone who makes a big difference in our life.  And that right there is a damn good reason to be thankful.  

A New Direction

A month ago I was given the chance to take on a new opportunity, something I had thought about over and over again for years, but could never bring myself to carry through with.  Being let go from my job could potentially be one of the best things to happen to me.  I could never allow myself to voluntarily quit, but when they asked me to leave, I had no choice but to rethink my career direction.


For some time I have been considering how to put together my talents and allow myself to move in a new direction.  What am I good at?  What do I like to do?  How do these things mesh together?  I am still working on the exact answers to these questions, but I have a better idea now than I did previously, when I was simply focused on the thing that I had been doing for almost 20 years.  


Haley Williams is quoted as saying, "Sometimes it takes a good fall to really know where you stand."  I truly believe this.  As much as we think we know or understand ourselves, sometimes once we take a fall (and we WILL fall, because we all do) we come to realize that what we had thought of ourselves is not necessarily true.  We may not be as strong as we thought, or maybe we're stronger than we imagined.   Either way, we can learn to adapt to these new boundaries and adjust accordingly.


I think people are afraid (or at least reluctant) of change.  Especially big change.  So when changes in direction are thrust at us, we tend to recoil and resist.  As always, with change comes growth.  Once we can get past the reluctance and embrace new patterns, our eyes are opened to things we never would have thought of otherwise.  We learn new things, we challenge ourselves, we adapt, we grow.  


When I was in that last meeting with my supervisor, I was mad.  Boiling mad.  Red hot, can't speak, wanna punch a wall mad.  But in my head, all I could see was a set of large doors, opening wide.  Sometimes opportunities are subtle.  Sometimes the sirens blare.  That day, the lights were flashing and the sirens were louder than I had ever heard before.  Change was being forced onto me, and I was resisting, but there was also a new opportunity waiting for me with open arms.  


No matter how horrible a new direction may seem to us at first, I'm a firm believer that every now and then we have to step off the beaten path.  Take the road less traveled.  Do something completely out of your realm.  Be crazy (reasonably, of course).  Take the unexpected and run with it.  This is how we grow.  We never know what we will find in a new place, unless we go there.  

Eulogy

I met her in 7th grade, 1986, I think.  She didn't like me.  She had played flute in band for a few years, and I had just tried out.  I sat a seat in front of her.  And, turns out, I had a crush on the same guy she did.  So there I sat, a seat ahead of her in the flute section of 7th grade concert band, talking about this cute boy.  Needless to say, she didn't like me at all.

I don't really remember exactly how our relationship progressed after that.  In fact, it was years before she admitted to me that she initially didn't like me.  Somewhere between band try-outs in 7th grade and 8th grade, we became best friends.  We are totally opposite in many ways.  I was always shy, quiet, with a small group of close friends.  She was always boisterous, outgoing, and seemed to know everyone.  She pledged our high school sorority, something I thought was totally ridiculous.  She was the life of the party, she seemed to draw attention to herself with all sorts of crazy antics.  I was always the wall flower, and I never wanted attention.  We always managed to blend together well, regardless of the blatant differences.  I always admired her for everything she was that I was not.

In 8th grade, we used to go to the library with a group of 5 or 6 girls.  We would ask to play a board game, then get giggling so badly the librarians threatened to throw us out every single day.  We couldn't go to the library and not giggle.  I think just because we knew we were suppose to be quiet, we wanted to giggle.  And if you've ever tried to stop a giggle, or keep it quiet, you know that this defies some law of life.  Can't be done.  Yet, 2 or 3 times a week, our group of girls would go to the library just to hang out together.  And I'm pretty sure the librarians hated us.

We took driver's ed the summer after we turned 16.  We would eat a lunch of bagels with cream cheese and jelly at her house, then walk back to the school, which was about 2 miles away, for class.  Many times, we stopped at the Great American grocery store along the way to buy a pack of Keebler Magic Middles cookies.  More than once we were late to driver's ed because of this.  One day I went to class without her, and she showed up late, saying she had gotten hit by a car on the way.  On the last day of class, I was driving and when I stopped at a red light, she yelled "Chinese fire drill!!" then she and the other 2 passengers jumped out of the car, ran around it, and switched spots before jumping back in.  The instructor was super confused, and we were all laughing so hard, we could hardly breathe.

In 9th grade, we had Spanish class at the same time, with different teachers, in rooms right next to each other.  One day, she sneezed, and I heard it.  As we met in the hallway after class, I said, "Bless you."  She looked at me and asked, "You hear that?"  I told her I was pretty sure the whole first floor heard it.  Then she blushed and laughed loudly.  She had an awesomely infectious laugh.

We spent lots of time together through high school.  I spent lots of time at her house.  One night, as we were sitting outside looking at the stars, she told me a story.  She said people are like stars.  There's millions and millions of them, but when you look quickly at a group, at first you only see the bright ones - the people who are loudest and who stand out the most.  But if you take time to examine the group and look closely, you'll see the smaller stars - the people who are just as wonderful, but don't always stand out.  I'll always remember that.  And when I look at the stars and see the bright ones, I think of her.

We were in color guard and marching band together.  One evening after practice, she left her flag on the practice field.  So she drove her car back to get it... drove onto the practice field, with the band instructors still meeting there.  Then there was the time that she ran into construction on the main road in front of the high school on her way from practice, and decided she didn't want to wait, so she did an illegal U-turn.  She used to get in trouble at band camp for being goofy and messing around when she wasn't suppose to be.  And the bus trips.... oh the stories I could come up with from all of our many bus trips.

She was there to help dress me up when I went to the Senior Prom as a freshman.  We had countless band and choir banquets together.  She always let me borrow her clothes or offered to do my hair.  She was a crazy tom-boy but she was also girlier than I was.  We spent hours upon hours on the phone.  We would talk late at night and fall asleep on each other.  Well, ok, I would fall asleep on her. She'd have to yell into the earpiece in order to wake me up so I could hang up the phone.  I don't have any idea what we talked about, but we were constantly talking to one another.  No matter what we did, we always had fun.  She was the poster child for jubilance.  She always seemed so happy and care-free.   And she was always laughing that infectious laugh.

After high school, we went our separate ways but always kept in touch.  She visited me and I visited her.  And we'd laugh and have fun.  Our lives moved on and we grew up, but never lost contact with one another.  Even after not hearing from one another for months, we would pick up exactly where we left off, and talk for hours, just like in high school.  A short phone call was 30 minutes.  And those were rare.

The past few years have been different.  Somewhere along the way, she changed.  Or, I should say, something changed her.  She began to be paranoid and started displaying signs of delusion.  Our phone calls were different.  She didn't laugh as much.  Eventually, she didn't laugh at all.  No one could rationalize with her, reason with her.  Her version of reality had completely taken over and no matter how hard any of her family or friends tried, we couldn't convince her otherwise.  It was a dark path she was on, and although many people tried our best, we couldn't get her off of it.

She called me yesterday.  She told me what a good friend I had been and thanked me for always being there for her.  Something was wrong.  I didn't know what to say.  She shared with me a little more of her skewed reality, and I just did not know what to say.  I told her thank you for being a good friend to me.  She said she wanted me to know how important I was and how much she appreciated me.  I didn't know what to say.  When she said she had to go, we both said "I love you."  I didn't know what else to say.

At some point yesterday, after she called me, she took her life.  She called me to say goodbye and I never knew what to say to her.  I wish I could have stopped her.  I wish I could have taken her pain away.  I wish I could have made things better for her.  But I know there was nothing else I could have done.  She was too far down that path and she didn't want any help getting out of it.  We tried, we all tried.  Her reality was just too real.

I'm angry that it ended this way.  I'm angry at her for not listening and getting help.  I'm angry that she's gone.  She was my best friend for 25 years, longer than I've known anyone else.  I can only hope and pray that she's at peace.  I hope she's freed from the troubles and worries that so badly tormented her for the past few years.  I hope that wherever she is, she's laughing that wonderful laugh again.

She'll always be remembered by the people who knew her, and there will always be a story to tell about something crazy she did.  May you forever rest in peace, Jennifer.  I love you.

What To Do...

A lot has been happening with me lately.  Last week, after almost 10 years of working there, I was let go from my job.  Not the worst thing that could happen to me, but surprising all the same, and it did hit me pretty hard.  Funny thing is, I wasn't all that horribly upset about it.  I'm worried about supporting my family and the everyday expenses that I have, but I wasn't devastated.  I was kind of relieved, to be honest.  I hadn't been happy for a while, and I'm not entirely sure why.  Maybe I was finally getting tired of that business, or maybe my other priorities had just inched that much further up my Importance totem pole.

So, now I'm faced with a new opportunity.  I'm a big believer that things happen for a reason, and there are other pieces to the puzzle of life that make slightly more sense now, thanks to this new event.  The imminent question is: What do I do now?  Well, there are things that I would like to do, but probably won't bring in much money, at least not right away.  And there's the traditional route of sending out my resume and finding another someone to work for.  The first is more appealing, the latter more practical.

There have been people - many people - who have been able to throw traditional ways of working out the window, forge their own path, and been successful at it.  I'm not really sure that I'm made to be one of those people.  The skeptic in me says "You can barely balance a checkbook, what makes you think you could run your own business" and "You don't have the drive and motivation that's needed to start a business."  But the dreamer in me says "Look at how many other people have done it" and "I have lots of people standing behind me and willing to help.  I could do it if I really tried."  Inevitably, the skeptic usually wins out.  This time, however, I'm not completely ignoring the dreamer.  I'm putting out my resume and trying to find a decent job, but I'm also building a business plan for myself.  I'm going to at least try to make something happen.

From the Holstee Manifesto: "If you don't like something, change it.  If you don't like your job, quit."  The fact that I was let go is giving me permission to do something different.  Hopefully something that makes me a little happier.  I believe in signs from the Universe, and this is as big a sign as any.  I had thought about quitting, but couldn't bring myself to do it because I needed the money.  Well, now I have to be extremely creative and find another way to get the money.  Is this devastating?  Not really.  Does it put a big ol' bump in the road?  Hell, yes.  But I've found my way around bumps before, and I will again.

Opportunity is presented to us in many ways, and quite often.  Sometimes it is in such a small and unobtrusive way that we miss it.  Sometimes, the lights flash, the sirens blare and we couldn't ignore it if we wanted to.  That's pretty much how I see this situation.  I'm being forced to change something, and the doors of opportunity have swung wide open.  Always watch for opportunity, and never pass it up.  You'll never have a regret so large, as willingly missing an opportunity.  Be it small or huge, an opportunity of some sort is almost always there.  Watch for it, grab it, make use of it.  I bet you'll be happy you did.

Having Respect

My house has simple rules, which are (ironically, after years of telling myself "I'm never gonna do things the same as my mom and dad") very much like the rules that I had growing up.  Turn off the lights (thank you, Dad).  Pick up after yourself, I am not Cinderella.  Use nice words.  Say please and thank you.  I politely demand that my children show me respect.  I am polite and respectful to others, and I hope that others would treat me in the same manner.

Just as a quick disclaimer, this is kind of a rant, but it is not directed at anyone in my house or any of the "usual suspects" that people might assume.  I am one step removed from the person and situation who brought this on, but it annoys me to no end, and I see no reason for acting in this way.

I was taught to have good manners and be polite to people, and I've worked HARD to teach that to my kids.  If my kids tell me, "I want this" or "I need this," I simply respond with, "Excuse me?"  And I continue to say "Excuse me?" until they get the hint and ask for whatever it is politely.  Unless I hear "please" I do not give an answer for something that is desired.  And when they receive something, I have been known to hold on to it while they have it in their hand, until they say "Thank you."

These simple manners are common sense to me.  Demanding things gets you very little in life.  Honey attracts more flies than vinegar, remember.  It should not take a great deal of effort for any person to ask for something and use the words "please" and "thank you." However, these simple and logical concepts seems to escape some.  For whatever reason, there are people who exist, who think that they can demand anything from just about anyone.  And, for whatever reason, they sometimes get whatever they want just because they demanded it.

This really goes back to the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated.  It also reflects the notion that positivity breeds positivity and gets you a lot further in life than a negative attitude.  There is such a huge difference between "I need this, get it for me" or "You need to do this for me" and "Would you please get that for me" or "Could you do this for me, please?"  It absolutely astounds me that people don't see that.

Granted, I don't say "please" and "thank you" every single time that I should.  I do my best to use respect when I address people, no matter the context of the conversation.  And, as I said in the beginning, I hope that others have enough common sense and manners to do the same to me.  We can't control how others speak to or treat us, but we can control how we answer.  Even if faced with rudeness, we can overcome the negativity with a polite and respectful response.  This does not mean that we need to allow rude people to walk on us and get exactly what they want.  It simply means we take our stand and make our requests with the utmost of respect (and maybe a slight jab of sarcasm).

I'll tuck my tail and back down off the soapbox, but I ask just one thing.  Please, check your words carefully, especially in a conflict.  Consider what you are saying, the effect that those words could have, and if there is perhaps a more polite and respectful way to make your point.  It doesn't take too much effort, but that little bit of effort can greatly affect the outcome of a conversation, and it also says a lot about the person you are.  Thank you.

Working

I am not the epitome of a well-balanced businessperson.  Never have been, most likely never will be.  However, I run my own Creative Memories business and a 5 to 7 person household (depending on the weekend), which requires just as much organization, structure and know-how as any large corporation.  But I'm learning.

"Nothing will work unless you do." ~ Maya Angelou

We all know things don't just get done.  Someone has to actually, physically do them.  Laundry can't wash itself, neither do the dishes, the toys don't just pop back into their appropriate spaces, and much to my disappointment, clutter stays clutter until someone does something about it.  Nothing works, unless we work.  I cannot expect my business to grow and make money if I just sit around hoping someone will buy my products.  My kids won't get to dance or soccer practice unless I (or their dad) take them there.  Sometimes the required work is mindless, like folding laundry.  Needs to be done, doesn't take much effort to do it.  And sometimes what's needed is a big step outside of the good ol' comfort zone.

There is a house across the street from me that has been vacant for months.  A few weeks ago, a school bus pulled up in front and 2 kids got out, then went inside the house.  Naturally, I was surprised, then quickly realized that a family had bought it and moved in.  A few days after that, I noticed a woman holding a baby standing on the sidewalk just outside the no longer vacant house.  She was obviously waiting for someone.  I went across the street and introduced myself, something that I don't usually like to do.  We chatted for a bit and I found out that her 3 kids are almost the same age as my 3 kids, and she enjoys scrapbooking.  How about that.  My small step outside my comfort zone garnished me a new friend, a potential new customer and potential new friends for my kids.

I find that although I like to tell myself that I am a shy person, the people I've met in recent years don't believe that.  I find that when I can take that deep breath and make myself a little uncomfortable outside my comfort zone, what I encounter is usually not that frightening or intimidating.  I find that when I make the effort, good things tend to happen because of it.  I am where I am in my life, in large part, because of discomforts I was faced with and the steps out of my box I took in response to them.

Nothing will happen in our lives - nothing good, nothing bad, absolutely nothing at all - unless we take the steps out of our zone and work.  What have we been taught?  If you find something you want in life, go for it. Make it a goal and WORK for it.  Well, even if we don't have a momentous goal in our lives, the working part still accounts for something.  I want the toys in my house picked up.  The kids and I have to work at that.  I want the laundry done.  I have to work at that.  My bathroom needs remodeling.  My boyfriend and I are working hard to get that done.  I want this new relationship to be the best I've had.  Guess what.  That needs to be worked on, too.  Everything good in life takes at least a little bit of effort.  Nothing will work, unless we do.

Each one of us can take steps out of our zone to make our lives just a little better.  Each of us can work to make our relationships stronger.  Doesn't matter if it's a relationship with a partner, children, parents, girlfriends, guy buddies... anyone.  We all have to work.  And that's what makes the end result worthwhile.  When we work to improve something (be it the cleanliness of the kitchen, the state of household projects, a relationship, or anything in between) we can take pride in knowing that we did our part to make that little piece of our life that much better.  And usually, our effort can make someone else's life a little better, too.  Because the work we do not only affects us, but all those around us.  And generally, if people see one person working hard at something, that will inspire others to work hard at something too.  Step outside the comfort zone.  Work a little to make something good happen for yourself or for someone else.  I bet you'll be glad you did.

Being Uncomfortable

I, like many people, tend to live within a comfort zone.  I am also a creature of habit, and don't often like to stray too far away from the things I am familiar with.  However, I have learned (and am continuing to learn) that life cannot be fully appreciated and lived within the confines of our comfortable space.  Being a bit uncomfortable is often times how we grow and discover, how we learn and improve ourselves.

Sometimes being uncomfortable means facing something or someone you don't like or don't want to face.  Sometimes it means facing yourself to discover a new perspective or attitude.  Sometimes it means changing up your environment, like finding new uplifting friends or getting a different job.  Sometimes being uncomfortable can mean making a new path for yourself, even though you may not really know what you're doing.  I truly believe that if there is something in your life you don't like or don't agree with, you have the power to somehow change it.  You just have to face it, maybe get a little uncomfortable, and stick to what you believe is best for you.

Even when the discomfort stems from the actions of others, I believe we can have some bit of control.  We can control how we react.  We don't need to let their cards determine how we play our hand.  Sometimes people make us uncomfortable on purpose, just to start a fight.  Or just to make us look bad.  Or just to upset us.  How we react to that is our choice.  We cannot control the actions and words of others, but we should also not let the actions and words of others control us.

Sometimes, I think people get uncomfortable because we can't always determine the outcome of our own actions.  We want to stay in our comfortable box because we can usually tell what results our comfortable behavior will yield.  To wander away from that comfortable behavior and have the unknown lie ahead of us... well, I think it's daunting to many people (myself included).  But there comes a point in everyone's life (probably many points, actually) when we have to plan as best we can, close our eyes, hope for the best and jump into the discomfort of the unknown.  We may be surprised at how quickly we can become comfortable again, or how little discomfort we experienced in the first place.  And chances are pretty high that we will have learned something along the way.

It made me very uncomfortable to think that I was not "good enough" for someone, or that my attitude and actions caused so much of my own stress and unhappiness.  But upon looking at myself - really, deeply looking at myself - I found that there were indeed many things that I could improve and that improving these things, even just a little, gave me a new, more positive outlook and perspective.  I had thought that I was happy in many respects, but I realize now that I am happier today than I was for many years.  I had to take some big strides outside of that beloved comfort zone in order to come to that conclusion.  And I don't regret that.  Any time you can grow, learn, change, improve or discover, the end result usually far outweighs the inconvenience of being uncomfortable.

Remember, Forgive, Stay Strong

*This IS my personal writing.  I welcome anyone who would like to share, but please do so with the proper credit.  Thank you.*

"I believe that a world of difference comes from the small actions that people take every day.  I encourage everyone to do a good deed or make some contribution in honor of the victims and their familes.  It may be too late to change the whole world, but it's not too late to keep America.  Love to all, Kate"

"To The Terrorists:

I have so many emotions inside, so many awful things to say to you.  There are not enough bad words in any language to define you and the act that you did.  You killed many people; too many innocent people.  But you did not kill me.  

Thousands of families were torn apart, and thousands more felt their grief.  You may have killed my brothers and sisters, but you have not won, becuase you did not kill me.

In grief there is strength and learning.  As our country grieves, you will learn that we will not be defeated so easily.  Our grief may be overwhelming, but so is our strength.  If you could see our houses and storefronts, proudly waving our American flags, and hear our words of comfort for those we do not know, you would understand that you have not driven us apart, but you have cemented us together.  Why is this, you might ask?  Because you did not kill me.

People have come out in huge numbers to give blood, donate clothes, and volunteer in countless other ways.  This should show you that you have not killed the American spirit, because you did not kill me.

If war is what you wanted, war is what you may get, but you will not win.  We survived Pearl Harbor, and we will survive this.  Why? Because you did not kill me.

You infiltrated our airport security systems.  You undermined our confidence.  You destroyed lives.  You planned for months, maybe years, researching, watching and waiting.  You thought of every detail, but you forgot one thing.  You forgot to kill me.

And this is why you will not win this, or any other war.  We will not go down easy.  We will not go down without a fight. America as a nation will not be taken over.  You killed my brothers and sisters, but in your quest to take over our country, you forgot to kill me."

KDP

I wrote this very shortly after the 9/11 attacks in 2001.  Like so many others, I was angered, disgusted, confused and saddened as to why anyone would do this.  I went to college with a guy who was at work in one of the towers that day, and killed.  I did not run out and join the military.  I didn't start any political movements.  I stayed in my little bubble, and my life generally remained untouched.  

However my perspective changed.  A group of friends and I started a memorial fund for our college classmate.  We raised, I think $1200, and was able to purchase a memorial bench in his name that sits outside of the music building on our college campus, where he spent much of his time.  I am proud of that.  And every time I think of him, and all of the other victims, I want to do more little bits of good to help keep America strong.  

I support our troops 100%.  I could never be in the military.  Never once wanted to be.  But I admire and respect those who do.  However, I don't always think that war is the answer.  Sometimes it's a more difficult road to travel, but sometimes compassion, love and understanding can take us much further than anger, hate and war.  Even when we think the latter is a better choice.  

I'm not as angry anymore.  I'm angry and disgusted that it had to happen, absolutely.  But in order to be at peace with ourselves, we need to be able to forgive those who have hurt us.  One thing I have definitely learned in the past few years is that a positive change can affect many other people and events.  Positivity breeds positivity, and the butterfly effect can be an amazing thing.  Little positive changes from lots of people can lead to some pretty hefty results.  So long as we are still alive to make those changes, we can keep each other strong.

Let's all think about that as we pray for the victims of this terrible event.  Let's remember them with happiness for the lives they had, and the lives they touched.  Pray that those who feel it's necessary to kill others may find peace within themselves.  Pray that no country may again endure what so many have already endured.  Pray that we may all be strong enough to make small positive changes that carry on to many others.  Pray that our children may learn from our compassion and love, and be able to share those traits with others as they grow up.  Pray that we may one day be able to embrace our differences, and peacefully exist as one human race.  Namaste.

Kindergarten

Holy. Smokes.  My baby girl, my little Peanut, starts Kindergarten today.  Kindergarten!  Holy. Smokes.

She'll have the same teacher as her big brother had 5 years ago, and he's been great about talking up the whole Kindergarten thing.  "You'll love the teacher, she's so nice and fun.  You get to play outside and read books and paint and go to the library and learn music and...."  I'm not quite sure if he's actually that excited about school, but he puts on a good show for his baby sis.  I hope that little Peanut loves school as much as Big Bro.


One of my favorite books is Robert Fulghum's "All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten."  Great book.  If you've never read it, I highly suggest it.  In fact, I haven't read it in a very long time, and should do so again.  I tried to get my 10-year-old to read it the other day, but he wouldn't go for it.  I think he thought it looked like a boring book, and maybe for a 10-year-old it would be.  (Like I said, it's been a long time.)  I do remember that it had some funny anecdotes and some really thought-provoking things.  It sort of helped change my perspective on how to look at things... and I think the last time I read it I was in either college or high school.

"Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. "

Life really can be broken down into very simple elements.  Yes, there are complicated aspects to it, but if you really think about it, life is very simple.  If we don't do our best to live a balanced life, things start to go awry.  If we think too much, we get boring.  If we play too much, we're not responsible.  But if we do a little of both, things are ok.

"Play fair. Don't hit people. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody."

Simple rules.  Self-explanatory.  I mean, really.  Think about all the problems that just wouldn't exist if everyone followed these three simple things.

"Share everything. Don't take things that aren't yours. Put things back where you found them."

Whether it be toys, books, food, lessons learned, money.... everyone can benefit when things are shared.  If you were out of something that you needed, wouldn't you want someone to share with you?  So why shouldn't we share with others?  Each year at Christmastime, I try to do Toys for Tots or some similar donation.  I explain to the kids that there are children who don't get toys for Christmas like we do.  This has also led to the kids wanting to have a yard sale ("so maybe someone else will play with the toys we don't want anymore") and offering to give away their outgrown clothes.  It's truly amazing to me what little effort it can take to foster some big ideas. 

"Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School."

We are a credential-happy society, I think.  We need to go to college and graduate with a degree.  A simple piece of paper with just a few sentences on it that is suppose to tell everyone else how smart we are.  Whatever.  I believe that anyone can have knowledge and wisdom, and they don't need to sit in a classroom to get it.  Those who get out to explore the world can be just as smart than those who have spent half their lives getting degrees.  Please, take no offense to this!  I do not dispute or frown upon those who want to sit in a classroom and get degrees.  There is definitely merit in that.  We have to find a nice balance of the book smart and the street smart.  Just because you have one, doesn't necessarily mean you have the other.  Find the balance.

"And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world it is best to hold hands and stick together."

No one can take on everything alone.  We all need support, a network, friends, someone to hold hands with.  Even if that someone can't resolve our issues, it's nice to know that there are people who have your back in times of need.  And it's equally as nice to know that we can be that supportive someone for another person when they need it most.  That is the circle of life.  Very simple.  Pretty self-explanatory.  Easy to follow.  So the question becomes... why don't we?  May you always remember the lessons we all learned in Kindergarten.  And may you always remember to practice them.  

Placing Unnecessary Blame

Lately, I have found myself easily falling into "The Pit."  The pit that is my nemesis- that which eats away at my confidence and spirals me downward.  I very much dislike that feeling.  Especially since I believe that I've made quite a bit of personal progress in moving upward and building my confidence.

Then I realized why.  I place blame unnecessarily.  Usually on myself.  If I think that I perceive that someone is the least bit unhappy, I immediately try to figure out what I did wrong, or how I can make things better.  This is not (obviously) a good solution, however I find myself doing it often.  So, I've decided now that I have identified this problem, I need to find a fast, reliable way to fix it.  In other words, I need to stop placing blame.  Since I'm so good at finding reasons why I deserve the blame (for whatever situation), it's not easy for me to go in the opposite direction and ignore that tendency.

To battle this trigger-happy reaction, I've found that I just need to keep a few simple things at the forefront of my mind.

• Tell myself why I am good enough, instead of why I'm not.  It may sound like a Jack Handy skit from the old days of Saturday Night Live, but seriously.... "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!"  Yes, it's corny, but it is true.  And I know it's true, I just find ways to negate it.  So I squash those negative thoughts like a bug, and tell myself over and over that I'm doing the best I can, I'm a good mom, I'm a good partner, I'm the best I can be and I'll always be improving (or whatever similar words fit the particular situation).
• Keep my head held high.  While I'm telling myself that I'm not a terrible (fill in the blank), I have to also continuously tell myself to keep my head up.  Physically.  Look up.  Stand up straight.  Tip my chin back just a bit.  Keep my head held high, and know that I am doing the best I can.  If I'm holding my head up, it's more difficult for me to chop myself down.
• Look again at what happened.  Whatever situation I find myself in where I am questioning myself, I replay things in my head.  Usually I'm thinking, "Wow, screwed that up!" or "Stupidhead, should have done that differently" or something similar.  This thinking is somewhat unproductive.  However, I can replay the situation to assess what I did do well, and in what areas I could have reacted differently.  There are definitely instances which could have been played out better.  But at the same time, I often find myself questioning my actions, when I didn't really do anything "bad" in the first place.  I've trained myself to see the negative aspect of things or to downplay my decisions.  I'm in the process of breaking that habit and teaching myself to appreciate that I do handle myself well (most of the time).  

I can't expect to be able to "read" everyone correctly all the time.  Quite often I find myself thinking that someone is upset (thinking that they are specifically upset with me) when they're not upset at all.  People act differently when they are in a really good mood, or when something is bothering them.  Just because something is bothering someone doesn't automatically make it my fault.  Just because something is bothering someone is not a reason for me to be upset with them.  If I truly have done something to upset someone and they don't tell me, I can't beat myself up for not knowing that I upset them!  

No one is a mind reader, yet too often people expect others to know what they are thinking or feeling.  This was a huge detriment in my previous relationship.  It can be a huge detriment in any relationship - spouse, kids, parents, friends.  I have come to accept that I cannot read other people's minds, and I have come to accept that other people cannot read my mind.  There must be communication.  So until I hear otherwise, I'll continue to assess any situation in a positive way, hold my head high and tell myself that I really am doing a good job.  

Falling From Grace and Recovering

Since the beginning of 2010, I have been exploring who I am, who I can be, my strengths, my weaknesses, and the things I want to change about myself and my life.  I've been doing a pretty good job of breaking down some of the walls and barriers that had been built up.  After a huge plummet, I've managed to increase my confidence and happiness, and change my perception of and attitude towards a number of things that had previously stressed me out and made me upset.

As proud as I am of these changes and improvements, there are always road bumps to overcome.  I don't believe the journey of self-improvement is ever really finished.  There are almost always minor tweaks or major changes that can take place.  There are always outside influences that have the potential to knock you down, but there are also many influences that have to potential to pick you back up.  We have the capability to choose how to react to each influence.  Lately, I've been allowing myself to feel doubt about my abilities as a mother, significant other and friend.  I've allowed criticism and sarcasm from various sources to get the better of me and eat away at my confidence.  Needless to say, I don't like it, and I've decided that I'm going to put an end to it.

It's really all about how we choose to handle things.  We can't control what other people do or say, but we can filter out the bad from the good.  And we can determine what's worth getting upset over and what isn't.  Sometimes a criticism has some merit.  Sometimes the people or things that knock us down do so out of love and concern, or do so unintentionally.  Sometimes a good, swift kick in the butt is what we need to make a change.  And sometimes, after careful consideration, these things can be disregarded.

Throughout my life, for every one person who has said something negative about or to me, there have been at least 5 people who have said something positive.  Every time my confidence was thrown out of whack, there are at least 5 instances when it was built up.  For every angry word said toward me, there have been hundreds of loving words.  I am not perfect, and I will do stupid things from time to time, and I will admit it when something I've done negatively affects someone else.  Neither are my friends perfect, and sometimes things they say or do may negatively affect me.  In order to avoid some of the hurt that I sometimes perceive from others, I need to find the courage to let them know my feelings.  This has always been a little difficult for me, but I have learned the hard way that it does no good to keep things hidden away.

It's not necessarily the fall from grace that scares me.   It's the staying down that scares me.  If you can rally yourself with enough courage to hold your head high, even when you feel like you're being beaten down, to stand tall when all you want to do is curl up and cry, to face the criticism when you wish it would just blow away... if you can do all these things, then your recovery will be much easier and the fall won't seem so bad.

A Life of Abundance

Last September, I wrote a Gratitude List, a list of 100 things, people and quotes that I am thankful for.  I have gone back to this list a number of times since I wrote it (it's in 4 parts, to make it easier to digest), and remind myself almost daily of the riches that I have in my life. 

Money has always been a big stressor for me.  Always.  I constantly feel that I don't have enough of it to pay for the things I need (and my creditors seem to agree) or the things I want.  Although I do not have an extravagant lifestyle by any means, it's always a struggle for me to freely spend money.  I can spend it, no problem, but then I feel guilty about it later.  Or something else suffers because of a purchase I made previously.  I've come to the dismal conclusion that the Money Monster has me in a terrible choke hold and controls much of what I do and the way that I live.  This is a very bad conception. 

Do you believe that your perception of the world helps improve the way you live?  I have been in conference with an incredible group of women who do believe this, and who have helped me understand that we can (to an extent, at least) control the things that affect our lives.  Perception and attitude can be the difference between a good day or a bad day, a productive meeting or a waste of time, a positive or negative influence.  I've learned that our patterns of thinking can also make a big difference in how we perceive something, and in turn our attitude towards it. 

For years and years I have had negative thoughts toward money.  "I can't pay for this, I don't have enough, I'll never have enough."  I think it's kind of ingrained into us, as a society, to hold negative thoughts about money.  It may be true that money makes the world go 'round, but it doesn't always need to have the spotlight.  It's said that what we focus on, we manifest.  In other words, focus on the negative things and more negativity will find you.  Focus on the positive things, and positivity will abound. 

My attitude about money has been so bad, it's no wonder I've buried myself in a seemingly endless cycle.  I get upset about not having money, which throws me into a slight depression, which robs me of my motivation, which strips my creativity, which makes me more depressed.  And downward I go, not having any desire to fix my situation, yet wishing a windfall of money would land in my lap.  Wish all I want, no money is going to appear unless I move out of my rut and do something about it. 

So, I'm doing my best to change my thought pattern about money.  I have never been one to practice daily affirmations, but I do believe they have their place in shifting the story we tell others.  Tell a better story, live a better life.  It is possible to live a healthy, prosperous, wonderful life without making zillions of dollars.  And, sometimes the people with the most money are those who are also most miserable.  I control the money, it does not control me.  Money is not evil.  Money does not rule my life.  Everything I need is within me, now.  I am the luckiest girl in the world.   The phrases, "can't afford" and "don't have enough" can be replaced with "choosing to make another purchase right now" and "spending my money wisely."  Yes, it helps, but money is not necessary to have fun.  Above my desk at work hangs a calendar with all sorts of photos of my kids.  The August page is of a day last year when I took them outside, gave them finger paints and bubbles, and we all had a blast all afternoon long.  They still talk about painting the driveway.  Yes, I had to buy the paints from the store, but that's a minimal cost and we could even make our own if we tried.  And, the $5.99 or whatever it was I spent at the store was well worth an afternoon of incredible memories and fun.

Change the stories.  Shift the attitude.  Think of things with a positive spin, and those things will become more abundant.  Not overnight, but eventually.  "I control the money."  "My business, my services, my products, my projects are worth the money."  "I see myself generating more money."  What we say out loud is what we create.  Monitor your words, and your stories.  Sometimes a small shift in attitude can make a very big difference.  No matter what my bank account may say, I still believe I am the richest and luckiest girl in the world.

The Birthday Moose

Today is my youngest son's third birthday.  This is extremely bittersweet for me, as is all of my children's birthdays.  I'm a little sad that my babies are growing up, but I'm happy and proud of the little people they've become.

No longer a chubby, round-faced, drooling, incoherent infant, my littlest baby has an extraordinary vocabulary, uses full and complete sentences, makes his own deductions and decisions, is extremely tenacious and independent, and has an imagination the size of the universe.  Just like his brother and sister.  All 3 have made me extremely proud of who they have become, and I have high hopes for what each of their futures will bring.

I have learned a lot from all 3 kids.  All 3 have their own individual perspective of the world and how to deal with it.  And all 3 have helped me immensely to push through difficult periods, overcome negative emotions and see the world a little differently.

• Smile and laugh whenever you can.  My Moose is a clown.  There is no doubt about that.  Every time he sees a camera, whether it's pointed directly at him or not, he'll throw on his biggest, cheesiest "Cheese!" smile he can manage.  He's made me laugh in countless ways, almost every single day of his life.  He is rarely in a bad mood.  And when he is, it usually means he needs a nap.  He is one of the happiest kids I know.  
• Do it yourself.  Have I mentioned lately that he is tenacious and stubborn?  How about independent?  Yep... there's no question about that either.  If he wants it, he'll do whatever he can to get it.  Which can be frustrating from a parental point of view, but at the same time, he can do so much by himself that it sometimes amazes me.  He's watched this family function around the house, and he knows that if he puts a stool next to the counter, he can open the cabinet and reach the box of gummies.  He knows that if he wants to get into the toy chest by the front door, he has to first take off all the stuff that's on top.  And he'll do it.  Why wait for Mama when I can get it myself?
• Keep up, and learn from the others.  Being the youngest of 3 kids, I think he spends a good part of his life trying to keep up with his older siblings.  Whatever the older 2 get to do, he wants to do too.  This has taught him plenty of things (climbing on the stool to get the gummies is the least of my worries), most of which are pretty harmless.  But he never misses an opportunity to watch what the other kids do, mimic it, remember it, and learn from it.  
• Do your own thing.  As much as he keeps up with his siblings, he's a kid who marches to his own drummer.  Sometimes, no matter what any of the rest of us are doing, or how much we try to convince him that he wants to do it too, he refuses.  If he wants to sit and play with cars, by golly, he's gonna sit and play with cars.  He's not too much of a follower, and I kind of like that in him.
• Share the love.  When he was 2 and just learning to speak, I would say to him, "I love you past space."  And he would respond with "Ah lah lou pas space, Mama."  It was about the sweetest thing a Mama could hear.  (That, and when my oldest responds with, "I love you even more.")  His newest love line is, "I like you, Mama.  You make my heart very happy."  Melts me every time.  He gives the biggest hugs of anyone, and is usually more than happy to plant a big, wet kiss on someone.  For as "moosey" as he is, the love just pours out of him.
• Keep your imagination strong.  He has a fake pager that came with a tool bench he got for Christmas.  He uses it like a phone.  The other day he came up to me and said, very sternly, "Mama!  Shhh!  I'm on the phone, you have to be quiet now."  Then, putting the "phone" between his ear and his shoulder, he said, "Hi, it's me.  Now, what you said?  Uh-huh.  Ok.  Sure.  Ok, I'll be right there."  Then he said something about going to fix something, grabbed his plastic hammer and ran into the other room.  Not only did he quote me directly (how many times to the kids get scolded for interrupting a phone call?), but his imagination was in full swing and he was on a mission to fix someone's house.  He's also told me that he owns a Rescue Pack (thank you, Diego), that he's a doggie (complete with dog-like actions), and there are monsters in the house he has to go shoot (with his brother's Nerf guns or Star Wars light saber).  Definitely no shortage of imagination in this house, and I love it.

I look forward every day to learning from my kids.  And it makes me smile to watch them grow, develop and learn.  I've no doubt that the future holds great things for all of my kids.  I'm already proud of them, and I can't wait to see what else they will teach me.  

Indecision

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately.  And that is forcing me to make a lot of choices.  And, of course, these choices I am making are affecting a number of different people.  I am doing my best to make the choices that will benefit all those involved in the highest possible regard.  This is not always an easy task. And, I sometimes question the benefits versus the consequences of the choices I have made. 

"A weak man has doubts before a decision, a strong man has them afterwards." ~Karl Kraus

I like to think of myself as a fairly strong person.  Not necessarily so much in the physical sense, although I've been surprising myself in that area lately.  I've never had to endure life-changing tragedy, and my life has always been pretty run of the mill, but I still consider myself a mentally stable and strong person.  But I'm extremely indecisive.  Does this contradict itself?  Can one be indecisive and still be strong?

My indecisiveness often comes out in really silly places, like the grocery store.  Which is a better deal... what brand should I buy... should I get one box or two?  These are the ridiculous questions that run through my mind as I stand in the grocery store aisle, trying to look like I've got it all together and I know exactly what I'm buying.  My indecision makes it's way to higher levels of importance, as well.  A number of years ago, my car died unexpectedly and I was forced to get a new one.  Luckily my family could survive on one car at the time, and I obsessed obsessively for a full month about what kind of car to get.  I narrowed it down to 2 models, and finally chose the Chevy Malibu Max.  I was proud of myself for doing the research so extensively and felt confident in my choice.  And it was a fine choice, until I got pregnant with child #3, and realized that 2 carseats were not comfortably fitting in the back seat of that car.  

But the point is, I have come to realize that I don't always like the commitment of making big decisions.  So, does this make me a weak person?  I don't really think so, although sometimes I may come across as such.  I think deep down inside of me, I know what it is I want, I'm just not always sure the best way to go about getting it.  Therein lies the indecision and potential weakness.  It all comes down to fear.  Fear of failing, fear of regretting a choice, fear of making a choice that will negatively affect someone else, fear of making a choice that will negatively affect me, fear of hurting someone.  

I don't want or mean to do any of these things.  I do my best to hold others in great regard and consider them in all of my choices.  Who it is in the forefront, I guess, depends on the decision and situation at hand.  But still, I don't make choices with the intention to hurt anyone. The butterfly affect can be a funny thing, however, and I've found that seemingly harmless choices have come back to haunt me or others for what appears to be a very silly reason.  

I've been told that the best I can do is simply follow my instincts and do the best I can.  No one - including myself - can or should expect anything else.  I don't think any decision I've made has had a horribly negative, long-lasting impact.  My kids and I are all healthy, happy, we have clothes to wear, a house to live in, and food on the table.  I hold very little regret for most of my decisions, especially the "big" life-changing ones.  And so long as I can learn from the mistakes I've made, and do my best to make future decisions with those lessons in mind, I guess I really can't expect anything more from myself.