Then I realized why. I place blame unnecessarily. Usually on myself. If I think that I perceive that someone is the least bit unhappy, I immediately try to figure out what I did wrong, or how I can make things better. This is not (obviously) a good solution, however I find myself doing it often. So, I've decided now that I have identified this problem, I need to find a fast, reliable way to fix it. In other words, I need to stop placing blame. Since I'm so good at finding reasons why I deserve the blame (for whatever situation), it's not easy for me to go in the opposite direction and ignore that tendency.
To battle this trigger-happy reaction, I've found that I just need to keep a few simple things at the forefront of my mind.
- Tell myself why I am good enough, instead of why I'm not. It may sound like a Jack Handy skit from the old days of Saturday Night Live, but seriously.... "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!" Yes, it's corny, but it is true. And I know it's true, I just find ways to negate it. So I squash those negative thoughts like a bug, and tell myself over and over that I'm doing the best I can, I'm a good mom, I'm a good partner, I'm the best I can be and I'll always be improving (or whatever similar words fit the particular situation).
- Keep my head held high. While I'm telling myself that I'm not a terrible (fill in the blank), I have to also continuously tell myself to keep my head up. Physically. Look up. Stand up straight. Tip my chin back just a bit. Keep my head held high, and know that I am doing the best I can. If I'm holding my head up, it's more difficult for me to chop myself down.
- Look again at what happened. Whatever situation I find myself in where I am questioning myself, I replay things in my head. Usually I'm thinking, "Wow, screwed that up!" or "Stupidhead, should have done that differently" or something similar. This thinking is somewhat unproductive. However, I can replay the situation to assess what I did do well, and in what areas I could have reacted differently. There are definitely instances which could have been played out better. But at the same time, I often find myself questioning my actions, when I didn't really do anything "bad" in the first place. I've trained myself to see the negative aspect of things or to downplay my decisions. I'm in the process of breaking that habit and teaching myself to appreciate that I do handle myself well (most of the time).
I can't expect to be able to "read" everyone correctly all the time. Quite often I find myself thinking that someone is upset (thinking that they are specifically upset with me) when they're not upset at all. People act differently when they are in a really good mood, or when something is bothering them. Just because something is bothering someone doesn't automatically make it my fault. Just because something is bothering someone is not a reason for me to be upset with them. If I truly have done something to upset someone and they don't tell me, I can't beat myself up for not knowing that I upset them!
No one is a mind reader, yet too often people expect others to know what they are thinking or feeling. This was a huge detriment in my previous relationship. It can be a huge detriment in any relationship - spouse, kids, parents, friends. I have come to accept that I cannot read other people's minds, and I have come to accept that other people cannot read my mind. There must be communication. So until I hear otherwise, I'll continue to assess any situation in a positive way, hold my head high and tell myself that I really am doing a good job.
:) :)
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