Listening is an intense skill that I would venture to say not very many people possess. I like to think that I'm a pretty good listener. I've been told so by numerous people throughout the course of my life, so I'm inclined to believe it. I'm not a perfect listener, however. Each of us hears something and interprets it based on our own life experiences, thoughts, preconceived notions, circumstances, etc. Plus, we as humans, are intrinsically self centered. We like to focus on how we're going to benefit from whatever situation we are in. Add these two facts together, and most people will hear what someone else is saying, but they won't really listen to what is being said.
It has forever astounded me how two people can see the exact same situation and interpret it totally differently, sometimes in completely opposite ways. This difference, I think, is intensified when put into a intimate relationship. I have girl friends and guy friends whom I have never fought with, never seriously disagreed with, never thought, "Wow are they out of this universe wrong about that." Yet I have a difficult time reading and understanding the feelings of the person with whom I've shared my life with for 5 years. He says something, I take it the wrong way, get defensive, say something snotty back to him, he gets defensive, and away we go... 0 to 60 in three seconds flat. Over what? Most of the time over stupid misinterpretations of what was meant in the first place. Conversations with my ex-husband are even worse, but I attribute that to the fact that most of our exchanges take place via text. Wanna pick a fight? Text an ambiguous message to someone who rarely sees things the way you do. I'll bet that 99.9999999999% of the time the recipient will interpret the message in a manner that was not all intended by the sender. Boom. Fight.
Ok, so that is a separate topic of discussion, and it's own entity, really. Back to the monologue at hand, how do we really listen to someone else and fully understand what they mean? I wish I had that answer. We're always told for one reason or another, "walk in the other person's shoes." Put yourself in their position and do your best to understand how they perceive something. Why is that so difficult to do? Most kids learn empathy, sympathy and understanding others, so how come it's not more ingrained in us to really consider how the other person feels?
We've all done it- the blank "uh-huh" murmured at the appropriate times while someone else is speaking in our direction. Perhaps we are distracted, or our minds are fixated on another matter that we feel is more important at that moment. It is a conscious effort by each and every one of us to choose what we listen to and what we don't. There is nothing more sustaining to human life than interaction with each other. In today's day and age, with electronics surrounding us 24/7 and information available at our fingertips in mere seconds, I think it's extremely imperative that we make that effort to direct all of our focus and attention to another live person, at least once a day. If I'm speaking to you, I like to think that you'll pause what you're doing to listen to me. And when someone else is speaking to me, I know damn well that I won't pay attention if there is a TV or iPad in front of me. I do my best to focus on whomever I'm with. To look them in the eye, absorb their words, and digest their perspective. My kids have learned that they sometimes need to wait their turn to allow me to finish typing an email or finish talking with someone else. But they have also learned that when they talk to me, I'm looking at them, focusing on them and truly listening.
Perhaps that is the first step in fully understanding someone else - focusing on them and the conversation at hand. This doesn't necessarily mean that the two participants must be sitting in a silent room, doing nothing but looking at one another. Life is busy, and dinner needs to be made, kids need to be bathed, laundry needs to be folded, and all that. Conversations happen while we are on the move. We must choose how much attention gets put into our conversations and how much gets thrown to the chores/other responsibilities. It is possible to do something else while still having a meaningful conversation.
That being said, I also think one of the nicest things two people can do is to sit in a (semi) quiet room, doing nothing but looking at each other while conversing. This is how bonds are made. I can't tell you what I ate for dinner last night or what books my kids read for bedtime this past week, but I can clearly recall sitting face to face with certain people. I may not be able to recite the exact conversation, but how I felt while I was sitting with that person is clear as day.
I don't have the answer as to how to completely understand someone else, and I'm pretty sure I'll never solve the world's most prominent social grace issues. However, it is my heartfelt belief that being fully present goes an extremely long way towards helping us see eye to eye with another person. I also believe the result is well worth the effort. Give it a try and see what a difference it can make for you.
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