I collect quotes. Actually, when it comes to finding inspirational quotes, I'm more like a hoarder. I look for them, seek them out, record them, memorize them, and bring them out when appropriate. Quotes have helped me learn about myself and have helped me face difficult times.
Recently, I had this particular quote pop up in the "On this day" feature on Facebook, reminding me that it was posted as my status on May 10, 2010. "Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow."
2010 was the absolute worst and simultaneously one of the best years of my life. It was the year I got divorced. It was the year my life was shaken around and everything that I thought I had wrapped up in a neat bundle secured with a pretty little bow was torn apart and thrown out the window. It was the year I essentially had to start over, and rediscovered who I was, and who I wanted to be.
"Give thanks for what you are now..."
At times during that year it was difficult to see exactly why I should be thankful. I had thought our marriage was going along pretty well. During our 11 years of marriage, my husband and I barely fought. I don't ever recall having a screaming match with him, or slamming doors in each other's faces, or anything of that sort. I had been thankful and proud of that, until I came to realize that actually contributed to our demise as a couple. After searching for the reason to "Why am I not good enough for him," I slowly began to understand that being good enough for him wasn't the issue; I had to start with being good enough for me.
Being void of my husband stripped away a piece of my identity. Generally, I didn't like doing things or going places by myself. He was the more outgoing of the two of us; I was the more reserved and shy. Always chit chatting with whomever he happened to be around, running into someone he knew almost everywhere we went, it seemed like he was constantly making friends and talking with people. When it came to conversations, he was the main event, I was just a sideline act. Once that main act went missing, I had to fend for myself. I had no one to depend on to start up conversations or introduce me to others. At first, I wasn't thankful for that, because I was scared. Eventually, I learned to love that independence. I became thankful for the things I picked up on while watching him talk with others. And I became thankful that I am more extroverted than I thought.
I had learned to need my husband, and I wasn't used to going very far out of my comfort zone. Why should I know how to snowblow the driveway or mow the lawn? He did those things. Even when I wanted to help with certain things, he wouldn't let me, so I gave up trying to learn. When I was faced with these new tasks on my own, I wasn't thankful because I was afraid I'd mess up. Afraid that I would fail. Afraid to learn new things. Eventually, I learned to embrace the new tasks and became thankful for the opportunities to learn and grow.
Suddenly being a single mom was scary, too. My 3 kids, aged 9, 4 and 2 at that time, were looking for answers, and at first I couldn't give them any. When they asked the typical question of "Why isn't Daddy staying at our house anymore?" I wanted to snap, "This is your father's idea, go ask him!" And I wasn't thankful for that, because I was angry and resentful. Eventually, I learned to love that independence, too. I grew as a mother, I learned on my own, and I'm teaching my kids the best way I know how. I'm not perfect, but I'm thankful that my kids see me as a strong woman.
"...and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow."
My shortcomings were not specifically what led to my divorce, however I have come to realize that there are always opportunities to improve upon one's self. Even on our best days, we can better ourselves. Life is ever-changing, and we must be too. In 2010, I discovered - or should I say remembered - many many reasons to be thankful. I learned what I didn't want to be, and decided that no matter what, I needed to be happy. So that's what I decided to fight for. After throwing an epic pity party for myself that lasted a better part of the year, I managed to pull myself together, redefine who I was and build myself up to be better than I had ever been.
Although it's been 5 and a half or so years since my post-divorce epiphany, my work on myself is not finished, nor should it ever be. We, as humans, cannot survive as static creatures. Every day we are learning, changing, evolving ever so slightly. This knowledge in and of itself has made it easier for me to fight for what I want to be.
2010 made me see how rich and fortunate I truly am. Although a part of me wishes that some events had unfolded differently that year, I am thankful for all that I learned, and for the blessings that I'm surrounded by. We can always fight to better ourselves, there is always a reason to be thankful, and always something to be thankful for.
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