When I was a kid, 19 was, for some reason, a magical age to me. My friend would come over, and we would inevitably end up playing either school or house, because that's just what we did. Our mothers were (still are) good friends, and we were sort of forced into friendship with one another. Our mothers liked to get together quite often, so we ended up being play pals quite often as well. We were maybe 8 or 10, and during our games of school or house, she was almost always the teacher or mother. And I wanted to be 19. I don't remember what we did specifically or how our pretend stories played themselves out, but I can remember wanting to be 19. Why, I have no idea.
For some reason, most of us seem to want to grow up quickly. We want to do things on our own, be independent, be away from the parents, etc. But somewhere along the way, in the midst of our trying to grow up so fast, we realize that maybe we've missed a few things along the way. "Wait...wait a minute, I want to go back. I don't want this much responsibility, I don't want to take care of things, I want to go back to being a kid!" As much as I can't stand the song, Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots perfectly describes how lots of people feel: "Wish I could turn back time... To the good ol' days, when the mama sang us to sleep, but now we're stressed out." (You're welcome for the earworm. I sang it the entire time I wrote this post!)
College truly was a golden time for me. Just starting to grow up and learn about the world on my own. Discovering my independence, but not straying too far out of the reach of help from Mom and Dad. I made a ton of friends, many of which I'm still very good friends with today. I bent the rules and broke a few, but didn't get into too much trouble and was always very careful to keep myself out of situations I might not be able to get out of. My friends and I took care of each other. I love them, and they love me back. I was part of something, I made a difference to others. I didn't have a bad time in high school (still friends with many of those people, too), but college was different. I honestly would go back and do college all over again.
That being said, I love and adore my kids with every fiber of my being. There are the "what if" games I play with various situations that took place during college, but if changing anything in college meant losing my children, then all bets are off. Of course, I like to relive my young mother days in my head, too. I miss the days when I could nap on the couch with my knees bent and a baby nestled on my thighs. I miss rocking them, holding them, smelling their wonderful baby skin, listening to their infectious laughs. I love babies, and with every milestone each of mine have surpassed, it sends a bittersweet shock through my system. I'm happy and proud that they are learning and growing, but I want so much to hold on to their baby-hood. My oldest is now 15, a freshman in high school. We've started talking about driving and going to college and what he sees himself doing in the future. And during these necessary conversations of future discovery, in my head, I'm rocking him to sleep or listening to his awesome little baby giggle. And in the back of my head a part of me is crying. Bittersweet shock.
Years ago, my now-ex-husband and I were having a discussion with some friends. I have no idea what the context was or what we were talking about, but I believe my ex was complaining or voicing his dislike of something. Our friend responded with, "At least you're around to bitch about it." That phrase has stuck with me, and there have been plenty of times when I've reminded myself of that. I need to remember, and I think sometimes a lot of us need to ocassionally be reminded to enjoy the here and now. It's good to remember the past and enjoy it. Reminiscing is healthy. But re-living over and over again what has already transpired is not the opposite of being present today. The alternative of not being around at all, is.
So, when I start to whine about how I don't want my babies to grow up, I stop myself. Be careful what you wish for. Milestones are still bittersweet, for sure, as any parent will tell you. However the thought of them not being here to fulfill their growing up duties scares me beyond anything. I do miss them as babies. But I celebrate and cherish them at every age. I am proud of them every day and I love and adore them more than I ever imagined possible. How could I wish that away?
No matter what is going on in our lives, or how much we long for something already passed, be satisfied that you're still here. And make it a priority to keep yourself here. We won't always be happy with everything that happens, and we as a human race will always reminisce and play "what if." Just remember, "At least you're around to bitch about it." It's better than the alternative.
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