Indecision

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately.  And that is forcing me to make a lot of choices.  And, of course, these choices I am making are affecting a number of different people.  I am doing my best to make the choices that will benefit all those involved in the highest possible regard.  This is not always an easy task. And, I sometimes question the benefits versus the consequences of the choices I have made. 

"A weak man has doubts before a decision, a strong man has them afterwards." ~Karl Kraus

I like to think of myself as a fairly strong person.  Not necessarily so much in the physical sense, although I've been surprising myself in that area lately.  I've never had to endure life-changing tragedy, and my life has always been pretty run of the mill, but I still consider myself a mentally stable and strong person.  But I'm extremely indecisive.  Does this contradict itself?  Can one be indecisive and still be strong?

My indecisiveness often comes out in really silly places, like the grocery store.  Which is a better deal... what brand should I buy... should I get one box or two?  These are the ridiculous questions that run through my mind as I stand in the grocery store aisle, trying to look like I've got it all together and I know exactly what I'm buying.  My indecision makes it's way to higher levels of importance, as well.  A number of years ago, my car died unexpectedly and I was forced to get a new one.  Luckily my family could survive on one car at the time, and I obsessed obsessively for a full month about what kind of car to get.  I narrowed it down to 2 models, and finally chose the Chevy Malibu Max.  I was proud of myself for doing the research so extensively and felt confident in my choice.  And it was a fine choice, until I got pregnant with child #3, and realized that 2 carseats were not comfortably fitting in the back seat of that car.  

But the point is, I have come to realize that I don't always like the commitment of making big decisions.  So, does this make me a weak person?  I don't really think so, although sometimes I may come across as such.  I think deep down inside of me, I know what it is I want, I'm just not always sure the best way to go about getting it.  Therein lies the indecision and potential weakness.  It all comes down to fear.  Fear of failing, fear of regretting a choice, fear of making a choice that will negatively affect someone else, fear of making a choice that will negatively affect me, fear of hurting someone.  

I don't want or mean to do any of these things.  I do my best to hold others in great regard and consider them in all of my choices.  Who it is in the forefront, I guess, depends on the decision and situation at hand.  But still, I don't make choices with the intention to hurt anyone. The butterfly affect can be a funny thing, however, and I've found that seemingly harmless choices have come back to haunt me or others for what appears to be a very silly reason.  

I've been told that the best I can do is simply follow my instincts and do the best I can.  No one - including myself - can or should expect anything else.  I don't think any decision I've made has had a horribly negative, long-lasting impact.  My kids and I are all healthy, happy, we have clothes to wear, a house to live in, and food on the table.  I hold very little regret for most of my decisions, especially the "big" life-changing ones.  And so long as I can learn from the mistakes I've made, and do my best to make future decisions with those lessons in mind, I guess I really can't expect anything more from myself.