So, what can I do about this? Well, the obvious answer is, "Learn from your mistakes and don't screw up the same way twice." Unfortunately, situations seem to be different enough from one another that I don't always see the screw up coming. I think, "I will do it better this time, and I'll be more conscious of how that person feel,s" but then there's some other angle of the situation that I don't anticipate. Bam. Screwed up.
There have been plenty of occasions when I have thought that I am really no good at maintaining a decent relationship - with anyone! I've quite often wondered over the years how men and women have meaningful relationships together at all. I mean, we tend to see things so differently, and every now and then I wonder if the perspectives of either side are even located in the same universe. Sometimes I think I have better friendships with guys than women. And sometimes I think I have better friendships with women than men. Why do some relationships come so easy and others take an immense amount of work? How do we know when the relationship is worthwhile, and when it's just frivolous? And what exactly do we need to do to find, keep and even improve on a wonderful relationship with another human being?
I think that I've learned a few things along the way, but I'm by no means an expert. If you perchance think that I am about to give advice that's concrete, proven, tried and true, may I suggest that you go back and read the first paragraph again. I screw up. A lot. With lots of different people. I'm not an expert. But I do my best to learn from my mistakes and not repeat the same situation. That said, here's a few things I've learned.
- Be yourself. Duh. So many people try to be someone or something they're truly not, and it just gives false impressions to other people who might want a relationship with you, and eventually causes problems. So just be you, and be proud of you.
- Accept criticism gracefully. Everyone's first instinct is to bare the teeth and bring out the claws when we feel that we are being criticized or attacked in any way. Don't. Instead, breathe. Breathe deep. Calmly accept what you are being told, and do your best to acknowledge the other person's side of the situation. That doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but take a step out of your shoes for a moment or two.
- Listen. Good relationships are based on listening. It's our nature to want to talk about us- our problems, our triumphs, our joys, our sorrows. When you can put your own issues on hold, truly listen and sincerely care about someone else's issues, we are laying the foundation for a very solid relationship.
- Don't expect everything to go your way. This is my Numero Uno. I never thought of myself as controlling, but the more arguments I have, the more I realize that I am. If the conflict is not resolved in the manner in which I feel it should be, I get very upset about it. Both opponents need to understand the other's position, and be empathetic to the fact that our view is not the only view.
- Put on the poker face and stay calm. Ok, another Numero Uno. An extremely difficult task for me, especially when I'm heated. My emotions go haywire, the words come flying out my mouth before my brain has a chance to edit them, and my tone gets louder and meaner. Not exactly constructive. Breathe, breathe deep, keep a straight face and speak slowly and softly. Hard to do, yes. But it could help stave off an escalated war.
- Enjoy the good. Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about what we should be doing, or will be doing in a little while, or something other than what we are doing right now. When presented with an opportunity to have fun, just have fun. Don't worry about the coulda-shoulda-woulda's. Focus on there Here and Now.
- Discuss problems. Despite the tendency to want to squash problems, sweep them under the rug and ignore them (admit it, we've all done this), a discussion needs to take place in order to resolve any kind of issue. And by 'discussion' I mean a calm, civil exchange between two rational human beings. Not a throw down, no-holds-barred, all out fight. It takes two people to fight, but usually just one can bring the overall tone back down to earth.
- Admit when you're wrong. Plain and simple. Admit it, sincerely. Apologize, sincerely. Ask for forgiveness, sincerely.
- Never underestimate your own self worth. No relationship is perfect, and no person is perfect. But relationships self-destruct when one side thinks of her/himself at a much lower standard than deserved. Recognize that everyone has attributes and qualities that are worth loving and celebrating. Everyone. Yes, even you.
- Work together. Relationships are a two way street. Both parties must be equally tolerant, loving, responsible, considerate, empathetic, helpful to the other. If one person has to work too hard to keep the balance on par, eventually, they will give up and abandon ship.
There's my two cents. Everyday I strive to master these guidelines. Hell, I've worked pretty hard to even be able to recognize some of these guidelines. When faced with a difficult period in a relationship, we each must be able to hold our head high and say, "I've done the best I can." Relationships are not easy. Let's do all we can to help each other through. After all, we're in this journey together.
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