Conflict

I don't fight well with people.  I guess I never have.  I say this because I have realized that much of the conflict I deal with is partially my own fault.  I pick fights.  I say things that don't need to be said.  I over-react.  I allow myself to get angry, and then I stew.  Oh, I stew like no one's ever stewed before!  I don't just slide into a deep dark hole of anger, I all but throw myself there.  And for what purpose?  I have no idea.

I'm generally a very happy, friendly person.  For many years, when I got angry, I didn't really do anything about it.  I would brush it under the rug, fix things myself or just ignore the reasons I was upset and pretend everything was ok.  Just for the record, these methods do not work very well in most situations.  At least not that I've found.  There is something to be said for walking away from a fight, and knowing when to shut up (something I am definitely lacking), but I have realized that when you just pretend the problem doesn't exist or doesn't upset you, it never gets solved.  You may be able to ignore it for a while, but the next time a similar scenario comes up - and it will - the emotions and anger are brought back to the surface.

I like to run away from conflict. Which is probably why I kept my mouth shut over certain things for so many years.  Just didn't want to deal with it.  Or didn't know how to deal with it.  I've grown up some in 20 years, and have learned a thing or two, but apparently my brain cannot comprehend the "fighting nicely" techniques that I know I have been shown.  Given the opportunity, and a tiny bit of explosive sarcasm, I turn into the Queen of WWIII.  Granted, I'm not the only one who contributes, but I know there are ways to prevent this.

I've been told in not so many words that I am controlling, and if something isn't done my way it's not right.  I deny it, but in thinking about various scenarios that ended badly, I realize that perhaps there is more truth to that than I wish to admit.  I have a way of doing things, a way of saying things, a way of handling things.  It may not always be the best way, but it's my way.  And just because it's my way doesn't mean it has to be someone else's way.  People deal with the same situation in very different ways.  This is the part I need to understand and respect.  I need to learn to step back and give people the room they need in order to deal with it.  Stop digging, and analyzing and asking questions.  Just step back.

Then there's the "letting go" aspect of the fight.  With some people, once a fight is said and done, it's simply said and done.  Period.  The end.  Forget about it.  Not so with me.  I tuck things away, waiting for another opportunity to bring them out and them in my opponent's face.  I remember stupid, minuscule, petty things that annoy me, and I let those things continue to annoy me.  I base current arguments on past circumstances, and sometimes the two don't even connect together.  I get sucked into the heat of the moment, then I let the bombs drop.  I say things I don't mean, things that are just plain mean, and plenty of things that I regret within a split second of saying them.  I literally cannot shut up.  And that's my biggest detriment.

So, why am I outlining all this?  I'm not really sure. Maybe because I'm hoping that by seeing it in writing, I'll be able to better control it. Or by sharing it with others, I'll be able to adjust it.  Or that maybe someone who acts the same way I do will be able to learn a little bit about themselves.

These are all guidelines I have learned of how to fight well with others.  I just wish I could remember to follow them.

• Don't bring up the past.  
• Choose your words carefully.  
• Think before your speak.  
• Don't blame.  
• Take ownership of your actions.  
• Remember, body language and tone speak louder than the actual words. 
• Apologize when it's needed.  
• Be the bigger person.  
• Remember your mistakes - and we all make them.  
• Check your attitude.  
• Don't expect others to abide by "your way." 
• Listen carefully. 
• Be respectful.  
• Don't scream, don't use name-calling and don't use foul language.   

Most of all, don't ever forget that it takes two to fight.  End with a hug and "I love you." Relationships are too precious to be marred by petty things.  Everyone fights.  It's how we fight that makes the difference.