Never Alone

My biggest fear is being alone. Always has been, probably always will be. I have 3 wonderfully loud kids (in fact, I'm thoroughly convinced that I am the parent of the loudest child on the face of the earth, and I invite anyone to challenge that notion), neighbors who crack me up whenever I see them, 15 or so fabulous co-workers who all love to talk, 514 Facebook friends, who knows how many contacts in my cell phone and email account... and yet I have felt more alone this year than I ever have before. And it frightens me terribly.


A very dear friend reminds me often, "You are -NEVER- alone." And in my brain, I know this to be true. However, when I am faced with an empty house, save for the cat, I feel utterly alone. And it never ceases to amaze me what a toll on the ego loneliness can take. No matter what great things happened throughout the day, once loneliness kicks in, I hit that brick wall that I so thoroughly dread.


This is not a "feel-sorry-for-me" blog entry. This is me being human and exploring just another one of my weaknesses. I have become mentally and emotionally stronger than I ever imagined, and I am learning to build my own self-confidence. But there are still moments, sometimes without any warning, when I suddenly feel like a small child lost in the middle of a crowded mall. Confused, alone, panicked, not having any idea how I got here or what to do next.

A number of years ago there was a show on MTV called "Love Monkey." I think I only saw it once, but a quote from that show has stuck with me since then- "One of the great things about confidence is even though you might lose it, sometimes just as quickly you can get it back again." Sometimes, just when I hit that brick wall, I get a phone call or Facebook message or something that grabs me by the shirt collar and says, "Let's go! Snap out of it!" Sometimes I find my own way out just for the fact that I don't want to be lonely. And often times, I have thought of this quote from an obscure, short-lived MTV sitcom that has had so much meaning to me.

Finding your confidence isn't always easy. But, just like AHA, there's always an opportunity to seek out confidence. Whether it's in listening to your favorite music, participating in your favorite activity, smiling at a stranger, helping out someone, calling a friend or scouring Facebook for someone to talk with, if you look in the unexpected places, you'll likely find confidence and AHA.

Cheers! :)