A Perfectly Untraditional Mother's Day

This Mother's Day was very atypical for me.  There were no flowers, no chocolates, no dinner out and no day at the spa.  I didn't spend it with my kids.  Or my Mom.  And yet, this was perhaps one of the most poignant Mother's Days I have ever had.

I'm not an extremely spontaneous person.  I sometimes like to think I am, but most of my spontaneity ends up getting planned out.  A week or so prior to Mother's Day, I learned that my two uncles were both going to Ohio to spend time with their Mom, my Grandmother.  I haven't seen my Gram in about 3 years, and my uncles were both eager to invite me to join them.  I had a few other things going on that particular weekend, and I knew it would essentially be a 24 hour stay in Ohio, so I debated back and forth for about 4 days.  I think deep down, I knew there was no question.  My Gram is 85 years old, she doesn't travel anymore, and reports from other family members have been that she is becoming very forgetful.  On Thursday of that week, I packed a bag and decided to go.

Friday was an unusually busy day for me, and I wasn't able to travel that day.  Saturday, the day before Mother's Day, I left around 6:30am and drove 5 straight hours to Hudson, Ohio.  I had been to the Laurel Lake Retirement Community to visit my Gram twice before.  As soon as I parked the car, a flood of memories came rushing back to me.

I remembered my first visit, in 2004, bringing my son there with my parents when he was about 3.  My mother had taken a picture of my son, me and my Gram sitting on a bench in the sunshine outside her building.  We made a big deal of going to another wing of the community building to see a large fish tank and a cage full of finches, both of which my son loved.  Gram was in fairly good health and great spirits.  She was the same Gram I'd always known.  The second time we visited, in 2007, my son was 6 and my daughter had just turned 1.  We sat on the same bench outside the building.  We made a big deal of seeing the fish and birds, which both the kids loved.  The highlight of the visit was when my daughter rode in a little grocery-type cart that my Gram pushed around to use for balance.  Everyone we passed - and I mean EVERYONE, residents, nurses and staff alike - commented on how cute they were.  Gram was in pretty good health, and great spirits.  For the most part, she was the same Gram I had always known.

I walked past the bench we had sat on, into the building, turned right, went past the fireplace and walked down the hall toward 136 West.  Everything was familiar, even though I had only been there a couple times.  When I walked into her apartment, my Gram's face lit up.  She was sitting on the couch, and from what I hear this is where she spends most of her day.  She's had cataract problems for a number of years, so one lens in her glasses is darkened.  She repeatedly asked what day it was, what time it was, what the schedule was and what we were suppose to be doing that day.  She told stories, and had trouble remembering the ending punchline, but cracked herself up anyway.  My uncles were/are worried about her remembering to take the appropriate medication on the appropriate days.  She walks hunched over, and uses a full blown walker, complete with a seat so someone else can push her when she gets too tired.  Her physical health was not too bad, her mental health was beginning to become questionable, but she was still in great spirits.

She may not have known what we were supposed to be doing at any given moment, but her sense of humor and wit are still fully in tact.  My uncle asked her if she was going to change her shirt for dinner, and had to repeat the question 3 or 4 times.  "Mom, we're getting ready to go to dinner, are you gonna change?"  Gram answered with, "Well, I haven't changed yet, it would be small miracle if I did now!"  She had a comment for everything, and made herself laugh just as much as she made us laugh.  My uncles later told me that they had been hearing the same 6 stories for the past 2 days.  But when I came in, things changed.  Gram suddenly had a new set of stories and a different line of thinking to share with us.  As I've said before, we all have the potential to shake things up a bit for someone else, and free them from their rut.

She's most likely going to have to move into another wing of the community, where she will be more attended to and more closely watched over.  All 4 of her children know this is inevitable, but she has told all 4 that she does not want to move.  It's bittersweet to see someone you love mentally slipping.  She couldn't remember family members names.  I took her to the restroom during dinner and as we returned to the table, where one of her sons waited, she said, "Oh, there's our table, I see what's his name.  Where's the other one?  Wonder where the other guy is."  I kept a smile on my face, but it broke my heart to hear her call her sons "what's his name" and "the other guy."

I've always had great admiration for my uncles, and seeing them interact with Gram made me admire them even more.  Despite the repeated questions, they answered in the same even tone, no matter how many times the answer became part of the conversation.  They kept their sense of humor and used it to fuel her's.  They talked to her in a manner that was both respectful and comforting without being degrading.  I know they are concerned and a little stressed and perhaps exasperated because of her, but they never let it show.  Like so many other aspects of life, I guess when you have to deal with something somewhat unpleasant, you just deal with it and make the best of it that you can.  Here's what I learned from the time spent with Gram:

• Don't let life get you down.  Even if you don't really know what's going on around you, you can always find a reason to laugh.  
• Tell the joke, even if you can't remember the punchline.  Laughter is infectious, and if you laugh, chances are others will too.
• It's ok to laugh at yourself.  My Gram admitted and even made fun of the fact that she couldn't remember everything.  My uncle told her she was horrible joke teller, and she laughed even harder.
• Be thankful for those around you.  Gram told me no less than 10 times in 24 hours that she was very happy I came to visit.  She may not have been able to remember my cousin's name or the fact that he is getting married in 2 months, but she was obviously ecstatic that her sons and I were with her.
• Don't regret.  A couple of the stories we heard over and over involved my mother's junior high boyfriend, and the guy from Pennsylvania my Gram had a big crush on when she was younger.  She didn't want to move to Pennsylvania, so never pursued the relationship, but after marrying my grandfather, they ended up moving to Ohio.  Gram would laugh and say, "Well, I didn't want to travel to Pennsylvania, and look how that ended up!"  And, she seemed to think that the family move to Ohio broke up what could have been the perfect relationship for her oldest daughter.  It made me sad to hear my Gram talk about some of her more important life decisions with what seemed to be quite a lot of regret.  We've all done things that maybe we shouldn't have or could have done differently.  But regretting them so many years after the fact just isn't worth it.
• Always do your best to keep yourself in good spirits.  If you woke up this morning, you remember your name and where you are, chances are pretty good that you have a lot of things to smile about.  If you can't remember anything else, there's bound to be someone close by who can help you think of more.  

Sunday, Mother's Day, I had breakfast with my uncles and said goodbye to the Florida-bound one.  My New Jersey uncle and I hung out with Gram for a few more hours, before I reluctantly got back in the car to come home.  Traffic was slower than it was on the way out, and I made one stop to have a sandwich and get gas.  It took a little better than 6 hours to get home, and I took a 2 hour nap before the kids returned to me that night.  When they came in, all 3 were excited to give me the homemade cards and gifts they had created for me.  It was wonderful to see, hug and kiss them all, and the gifts they made brought tears to my eyes.  Not the typical way to spend Mother's Day, but this went down as one of the best yet.