Remember, Forgive, Stay Strong

*This IS my personal writing.  I welcome anyone who would like to share, but please do so with the proper credit.  Thank you.*

"I believe that a world of difference comes from the small actions that people take every day.  I encourage everyone to do a good deed or make some contribution in honor of the victims and their familes.  It may be too late to change the whole world, but it's not too late to keep America.  Love to all, Kate"

"To The Terrorists:

I have so many emotions inside, so many awful things to say to you.  There are not enough bad words in any language to define you and the act that you did.  You killed many people; too many innocent people.  But you did not kill me.  

Thousands of families were torn apart, and thousands more felt their grief.  You may have killed my brothers and sisters, but you have not won, becuase you did not kill me.

In grief there is strength and learning.  As our country grieves, you will learn that we will not be defeated so easily.  Our grief may be overwhelming, but so is our strength.  If you could see our houses and storefronts, proudly waving our American flags, and hear our words of comfort for those we do not know, you would understand that you have not driven us apart, but you have cemented us together.  Why is this, you might ask?  Because you did not kill me.

People have come out in huge numbers to give blood, donate clothes, and volunteer in countless other ways.  This should show you that you have not killed the American spirit, because you did not kill me.

If war is what you wanted, war is what you may get, but you will not win.  We survived Pearl Harbor, and we will survive this.  Why? Because you did not kill me.

You infiltrated our airport security systems.  You undermined our confidence.  You destroyed lives.  You planned for months, maybe years, researching, watching and waiting.  You thought of every detail, but you forgot one thing.  You forgot to kill me.

And this is why you will not win this, or any other war.  We will not go down easy.  We will not go down without a fight. America as a nation will not be taken over.  You killed my brothers and sisters, but in your quest to take over our country, you forgot to kill me."

KDP

I wrote this very shortly after the 9/11 attacks in 2001.  Like so many others, I was angered, disgusted, confused and saddened as to why anyone would do this.  I went to college with a guy who was at work in one of the towers that day, and killed.  I did not run out and join the military.  I didn't start any political movements.  I stayed in my little bubble, and my life generally remained untouched.  

However my perspective changed.  A group of friends and I started a memorial fund for our college classmate.  We raised, I think $1200, and was able to purchase a memorial bench in his name that sits outside of the music building on our college campus, where he spent much of his time.  I am proud of that.  And every time I think of him, and all of the other victims, I want to do more little bits of good to help keep America strong.  

I support our troops 100%.  I could never be in the military.  Never once wanted to be.  But I admire and respect those who do.  However, I don't always think that war is the answer.  Sometimes it's a more difficult road to travel, but sometimes compassion, love and understanding can take us much further than anger, hate and war.  Even when we think the latter is a better choice.  

I'm not as angry anymore.  I'm angry and disgusted that it had to happen, absolutely.  But in order to be at peace with ourselves, we need to be able to forgive those who have hurt us.  One thing I have definitely learned in the past few years is that a positive change can affect many other people and events.  Positivity breeds positivity, and the butterfly effect can be an amazing thing.  Little positive changes from lots of people can lead to some pretty hefty results.  So long as we are still alive to make those changes, we can keep each other strong.

Let's all think about that as we pray for the victims of this terrible event.  Let's remember them with happiness for the lives they had, and the lives they touched.  Pray that those who feel it's necessary to kill others may find peace within themselves.  Pray that no country may again endure what so many have already endured.  Pray that we may all be strong enough to make small positive changes that carry on to many others.  Pray that our children may learn from our compassion and love, and be able to share those traits with others as they grow up.  Pray that we may one day be able to embrace our differences, and peacefully exist as one human race.  Namaste.

Kindergarten

Holy. Smokes.  My baby girl, my little Peanut, starts Kindergarten today.  Kindergarten!  Holy. Smokes.

She'll have the same teacher as her big brother had 5 years ago, and he's been great about talking up the whole Kindergarten thing.  "You'll love the teacher, she's so nice and fun.  You get to play outside and read books and paint and go to the library and learn music and...."  I'm not quite sure if he's actually that excited about school, but he puts on a good show for his baby sis.  I hope that little Peanut loves school as much as Big Bro.


One of my favorite books is Robert Fulghum's "All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten."  Great book.  If you've never read it, I highly suggest it.  In fact, I haven't read it in a very long time, and should do so again.  I tried to get my 10-year-old to read it the other day, but he wouldn't go for it.  I think he thought it looked like a boring book, and maybe for a 10-year-old it would be.  (Like I said, it's been a long time.)  I do remember that it had some funny anecdotes and some really thought-provoking things.  It sort of helped change my perspective on how to look at things... and I think the last time I read it I was in either college or high school.

"Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. "

Life really can be broken down into very simple elements.  Yes, there are complicated aspects to it, but if you really think about it, life is very simple.  If we don't do our best to live a balanced life, things start to go awry.  If we think too much, we get boring.  If we play too much, we're not responsible.  But if we do a little of both, things are ok.

"Play fair. Don't hit people. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody."

Simple rules.  Self-explanatory.  I mean, really.  Think about all the problems that just wouldn't exist if everyone followed these three simple things.

"Share everything. Don't take things that aren't yours. Put things back where you found them."

Whether it be toys, books, food, lessons learned, money.... everyone can benefit when things are shared.  If you were out of something that you needed, wouldn't you want someone to share with you?  So why shouldn't we share with others?  Each year at Christmastime, I try to do Toys for Tots or some similar donation.  I explain to the kids that there are children who don't get toys for Christmas like we do.  This has also led to the kids wanting to have a yard sale ("so maybe someone else will play with the toys we don't want anymore") and offering to give away their outgrown clothes.  It's truly amazing to me what little effort it can take to foster some big ideas. 

"Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School."

We are a credential-happy society, I think.  We need to go to college and graduate with a degree.  A simple piece of paper with just a few sentences on it that is suppose to tell everyone else how smart we are.  Whatever.  I believe that anyone can have knowledge and wisdom, and they don't need to sit in a classroom to get it.  Those who get out to explore the world can be just as smart than those who have spent half their lives getting degrees.  Please, take no offense to this!  I do not dispute or frown upon those who want to sit in a classroom and get degrees.  There is definitely merit in that.  We have to find a nice balance of the book smart and the street smart.  Just because you have one, doesn't necessarily mean you have the other.  Find the balance.

"And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world it is best to hold hands and stick together."

No one can take on everything alone.  We all need support, a network, friends, someone to hold hands with.  Even if that someone can't resolve our issues, it's nice to know that there are people who have your back in times of need.  And it's equally as nice to know that we can be that supportive someone for another person when they need it most.  That is the circle of life.  Very simple.  Pretty self-explanatory.  Easy to follow.  So the question becomes... why don't we?  May you always remember the lessons we all learned in Kindergarten.  And may you always remember to practice them.  

Placing Unnecessary Blame

Lately, I have found myself easily falling into "The Pit."  The pit that is my nemesis- that which eats away at my confidence and spirals me downward.  I very much dislike that feeling.  Especially since I believe that I've made quite a bit of personal progress in moving upward and building my confidence.

Then I realized why.  I place blame unnecessarily.  Usually on myself.  If I think that I perceive that someone is the least bit unhappy, I immediately try to figure out what I did wrong, or how I can make things better.  This is not (obviously) a good solution, however I find myself doing it often.  So, I've decided now that I have identified this problem, I need to find a fast, reliable way to fix it.  In other words, I need to stop placing blame.  Since I'm so good at finding reasons why I deserve the blame (for whatever situation), it's not easy for me to go in the opposite direction and ignore that tendency.

To battle this trigger-happy reaction, I've found that I just need to keep a few simple things at the forefront of my mind.

• Tell myself why I am good enough, instead of why I'm not.  It may sound like a Jack Handy skit from the old days of Saturday Night Live, but seriously.... "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!"  Yes, it's corny, but it is true.  And I know it's true, I just find ways to negate it.  So I squash those negative thoughts like a bug, and tell myself over and over that I'm doing the best I can, I'm a good mom, I'm a good partner, I'm the best I can be and I'll always be improving (or whatever similar words fit the particular situation).
• Keep my head held high.  While I'm telling myself that I'm not a terrible (fill in the blank), I have to also continuously tell myself to keep my head up.  Physically.  Look up.  Stand up straight.  Tip my chin back just a bit.  Keep my head held high, and know that I am doing the best I can.  If I'm holding my head up, it's more difficult for me to chop myself down.
• Look again at what happened.  Whatever situation I find myself in where I am questioning myself, I replay things in my head.  Usually I'm thinking, "Wow, screwed that up!" or "Stupidhead, should have done that differently" or something similar.  This thinking is somewhat unproductive.  However, I can replay the situation to assess what I did do well, and in what areas I could have reacted differently.  There are definitely instances which could have been played out better.  But at the same time, I often find myself questioning my actions, when I didn't really do anything "bad" in the first place.  I've trained myself to see the negative aspect of things or to downplay my decisions.  I'm in the process of breaking that habit and teaching myself to appreciate that I do handle myself well (most of the time).  

I can't expect to be able to "read" everyone correctly all the time.  Quite often I find myself thinking that someone is upset (thinking that they are specifically upset with me) when they're not upset at all.  People act differently when they are in a really good mood, or when something is bothering them.  Just because something is bothering someone doesn't automatically make it my fault.  Just because something is bothering someone is not a reason for me to be upset with them.  If I truly have done something to upset someone and they don't tell me, I can't beat myself up for not knowing that I upset them!  

No one is a mind reader, yet too often people expect others to know what they are thinking or feeling.  This was a huge detriment in my previous relationship.  It can be a huge detriment in any relationship - spouse, kids, parents, friends.  I have come to accept that I cannot read other people's minds, and I have come to accept that other people cannot read my mind.  There must be communication.  So until I hear otherwise, I'll continue to assess any situation in a positive way, hold my head high and tell myself that I really am doing a good job.  

Falling From Grace and Recovering

Since the beginning of 2010, I have been exploring who I am, who I can be, my strengths, my weaknesses, and the things I want to change about myself and my life.  I've been doing a pretty good job of breaking down some of the walls and barriers that had been built up.  After a huge plummet, I've managed to increase my confidence and happiness, and change my perception of and attitude towards a number of things that had previously stressed me out and made me upset.

As proud as I am of these changes and improvements, there are always road bumps to overcome.  I don't believe the journey of self-improvement is ever really finished.  There are almost always minor tweaks or major changes that can take place.  There are always outside influences that have the potential to knock you down, but there are also many influences that have to potential to pick you back up.  We have the capability to choose how to react to each influence.  Lately, I've been allowing myself to feel doubt about my abilities as a mother, significant other and friend.  I've allowed criticism and sarcasm from various sources to get the better of me and eat away at my confidence.  Needless to say, I don't like it, and I've decided that I'm going to put an end to it.

It's really all about how we choose to handle things.  We can't control what other people do or say, but we can filter out the bad from the good.  And we can determine what's worth getting upset over and what isn't.  Sometimes a criticism has some merit.  Sometimes the people or things that knock us down do so out of love and concern, or do so unintentionally.  Sometimes a good, swift kick in the butt is what we need to make a change.  And sometimes, after careful consideration, these things can be disregarded.

Throughout my life, for every one person who has said something negative about or to me, there have been at least 5 people who have said something positive.  Every time my confidence was thrown out of whack, there are at least 5 instances when it was built up.  For every angry word said toward me, there have been hundreds of loving words.  I am not perfect, and I will do stupid things from time to time, and I will admit it when something I've done negatively affects someone else.  Neither are my friends perfect, and sometimes things they say or do may negatively affect me.  In order to avoid some of the hurt that I sometimes perceive from others, I need to find the courage to let them know my feelings.  This has always been a little difficult for me, but I have learned the hard way that it does no good to keep things hidden away.

It's not necessarily the fall from grace that scares me.   It's the staying down that scares me.  If you can rally yourself with enough courage to hold your head high, even when you feel like you're being beaten down, to stand tall when all you want to do is curl up and cry, to face the criticism when you wish it would just blow away... if you can do all these things, then your recovery will be much easier and the fall won't seem so bad.

A Life of Abundance

Last September, I wrote a Gratitude List, a list of 100 things, people and quotes that I am thankful for.  I have gone back to this list a number of times since I wrote it (it's in 4 parts, to make it easier to digest), and remind myself almost daily of the riches that I have in my life. 

Money has always been a big stressor for me.  Always.  I constantly feel that I don't have enough of it to pay for the things I need (and my creditors seem to agree) or the things I want.  Although I do not have an extravagant lifestyle by any means, it's always a struggle for me to freely spend money.  I can spend it, no problem, but then I feel guilty about it later.  Or something else suffers because of a purchase I made previously.  I've come to the dismal conclusion that the Money Monster has me in a terrible choke hold and controls much of what I do and the way that I live.  This is a very bad conception. 

Do you believe that your perception of the world helps improve the way you live?  I have been in conference with an incredible group of women who do believe this, and who have helped me understand that we can (to an extent, at least) control the things that affect our lives.  Perception and attitude can be the difference between a good day or a bad day, a productive meeting or a waste of time, a positive or negative influence.  I've learned that our patterns of thinking can also make a big difference in how we perceive something, and in turn our attitude towards it. 

For years and years I have had negative thoughts toward money.  "I can't pay for this, I don't have enough, I'll never have enough."  I think it's kind of ingrained into us, as a society, to hold negative thoughts about money.  It may be true that money makes the world go 'round, but it doesn't always need to have the spotlight.  It's said that what we focus on, we manifest.  In other words, focus on the negative things and more negativity will find you.  Focus on the positive things, and positivity will abound. 

My attitude about money has been so bad, it's no wonder I've buried myself in a seemingly endless cycle.  I get upset about not having money, which throws me into a slight depression, which robs me of my motivation, which strips my creativity, which makes me more depressed.  And downward I go, not having any desire to fix my situation, yet wishing a windfall of money would land in my lap.  Wish all I want, no money is going to appear unless I move out of my rut and do something about it. 

So, I'm doing my best to change my thought pattern about money.  I have never been one to practice daily affirmations, but I do believe they have their place in shifting the story we tell others.  Tell a better story, live a better life.  It is possible to live a healthy, prosperous, wonderful life without making zillions of dollars.  And, sometimes the people with the most money are those who are also most miserable.  I control the money, it does not control me.  Money is not evil.  Money does not rule my life.  Everything I need is within me, now.  I am the luckiest girl in the world.   The phrases, "can't afford" and "don't have enough" can be replaced with "choosing to make another purchase right now" and "spending my money wisely."  Yes, it helps, but money is not necessary to have fun.  Above my desk at work hangs a calendar with all sorts of photos of my kids.  The August page is of a day last year when I took them outside, gave them finger paints and bubbles, and we all had a blast all afternoon long.  They still talk about painting the driveway.  Yes, I had to buy the paints from the store, but that's a minimal cost and we could even make our own if we tried.  And, the $5.99 or whatever it was I spent at the store was well worth an afternoon of incredible memories and fun.

Change the stories.  Shift the attitude.  Think of things with a positive spin, and those things will become more abundant.  Not overnight, but eventually.  "I control the money."  "My business, my services, my products, my projects are worth the money."  "I see myself generating more money."  What we say out loud is what we create.  Monitor your words, and your stories.  Sometimes a small shift in attitude can make a very big difference.  No matter what my bank account may say, I still believe I am the richest and luckiest girl in the world.

The Birthday Moose

Today is my youngest son's third birthday.  This is extremely bittersweet for me, as is all of my children's birthdays.  I'm a little sad that my babies are growing up, but I'm happy and proud of the little people they've become.

No longer a chubby, round-faced, drooling, incoherent infant, my littlest baby has an extraordinary vocabulary, uses full and complete sentences, makes his own deductions and decisions, is extremely tenacious and independent, and has an imagination the size of the universe.  Just like his brother and sister.  All 3 have made me extremely proud of who they have become, and I have high hopes for what each of their futures will bring.

I have learned a lot from all 3 kids.  All 3 have their own individual perspective of the world and how to deal with it.  And all 3 have helped me immensely to push through difficult periods, overcome negative emotions and see the world a little differently.

• Smile and laugh whenever you can.  My Moose is a clown.  There is no doubt about that.  Every time he sees a camera, whether it's pointed directly at him or not, he'll throw on his biggest, cheesiest "Cheese!" smile he can manage.  He's made me laugh in countless ways, almost every single day of his life.  He is rarely in a bad mood.  And when he is, it usually means he needs a nap.  He is one of the happiest kids I know.  
• Do it yourself.  Have I mentioned lately that he is tenacious and stubborn?  How about independent?  Yep... there's no question about that either.  If he wants it, he'll do whatever he can to get it.  Which can be frustrating from a parental point of view, but at the same time, he can do so much by himself that it sometimes amazes me.  He's watched this family function around the house, and he knows that if he puts a stool next to the counter, he can open the cabinet and reach the box of gummies.  He knows that if he wants to get into the toy chest by the front door, he has to first take off all the stuff that's on top.  And he'll do it.  Why wait for Mama when I can get it myself?
• Keep up, and learn from the others.  Being the youngest of 3 kids, I think he spends a good part of his life trying to keep up with his older siblings.  Whatever the older 2 get to do, he wants to do too.  This has taught him plenty of things (climbing on the stool to get the gummies is the least of my worries), most of which are pretty harmless.  But he never misses an opportunity to watch what the other kids do, mimic it, remember it, and learn from it.  
• Do your own thing.  As much as he keeps up with his siblings, he's a kid who marches to his own drummer.  Sometimes, no matter what any of the rest of us are doing, or how much we try to convince him that he wants to do it too, he refuses.  If he wants to sit and play with cars, by golly, he's gonna sit and play with cars.  He's not too much of a follower, and I kind of like that in him.
• Share the love.  When he was 2 and just learning to speak, I would say to him, "I love you past space."  And he would respond with "Ah lah lou pas space, Mama."  It was about the sweetest thing a Mama could hear.  (That, and when my oldest responds with, "I love you even more.")  His newest love line is, "I like you, Mama.  You make my heart very happy."  Melts me every time.  He gives the biggest hugs of anyone, and is usually more than happy to plant a big, wet kiss on someone.  For as "moosey" as he is, the love just pours out of him.
• Keep your imagination strong.  He has a fake pager that came with a tool bench he got for Christmas.  He uses it like a phone.  The other day he came up to me and said, very sternly, "Mama!  Shhh!  I'm on the phone, you have to be quiet now."  Then, putting the "phone" between his ear and his shoulder, he said, "Hi, it's me.  Now, what you said?  Uh-huh.  Ok.  Sure.  Ok, I'll be right there."  Then he said something about going to fix something, grabbed his plastic hammer and ran into the other room.  Not only did he quote me directly (how many times to the kids get scolded for interrupting a phone call?), but his imagination was in full swing and he was on a mission to fix someone's house.  He's also told me that he owns a Rescue Pack (thank you, Diego), that he's a doggie (complete with dog-like actions), and there are monsters in the house he has to go shoot (with his brother's Nerf guns or Star Wars light saber).  Definitely no shortage of imagination in this house, and I love it.

I look forward every day to learning from my kids.  And it makes me smile to watch them grow, develop and learn.  I've no doubt that the future holds great things for all of my kids.  I'm already proud of them, and I can't wait to see what else they will teach me.  

Indecision

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately.  And that is forcing me to make a lot of choices.  And, of course, these choices I am making are affecting a number of different people.  I am doing my best to make the choices that will benefit all those involved in the highest possible regard.  This is not always an easy task. And, I sometimes question the benefits versus the consequences of the choices I have made. 

"A weak man has doubts before a decision, a strong man has them afterwards." ~Karl Kraus

I like to think of myself as a fairly strong person.  Not necessarily so much in the physical sense, although I've been surprising myself in that area lately.  I've never had to endure life-changing tragedy, and my life has always been pretty run of the mill, but I still consider myself a mentally stable and strong person.  But I'm extremely indecisive.  Does this contradict itself?  Can one be indecisive and still be strong?

My indecisiveness often comes out in really silly places, like the grocery store.  Which is a better deal... what brand should I buy... should I get one box or two?  These are the ridiculous questions that run through my mind as I stand in the grocery store aisle, trying to look like I've got it all together and I know exactly what I'm buying.  My indecision makes it's way to higher levels of importance, as well.  A number of years ago, my car died unexpectedly and I was forced to get a new one.  Luckily my family could survive on one car at the time, and I obsessed obsessively for a full month about what kind of car to get.  I narrowed it down to 2 models, and finally chose the Chevy Malibu Max.  I was proud of myself for doing the research so extensively and felt confident in my choice.  And it was a fine choice, until I got pregnant with child #3, and realized that 2 carseats were not comfortably fitting in the back seat of that car.  

But the point is, I have come to realize that I don't always like the commitment of making big decisions.  So, does this make me a weak person?  I don't really think so, although sometimes I may come across as such.  I think deep down inside of me, I know what it is I want, I'm just not always sure the best way to go about getting it.  Therein lies the indecision and potential weakness.  It all comes down to fear.  Fear of failing, fear of regretting a choice, fear of making a choice that will negatively affect someone else, fear of making a choice that will negatively affect me, fear of hurting someone.  

I don't want or mean to do any of these things.  I do my best to hold others in great regard and consider them in all of my choices.  Who it is in the forefront, I guess, depends on the decision and situation at hand.  But still, I don't make choices with the intention to hurt anyone. The butterfly affect can be a funny thing, however, and I've found that seemingly harmless choices have come back to haunt me or others for what appears to be a very silly reason.  

I've been told that the best I can do is simply follow my instincts and do the best I can.  No one - including myself - can or should expect anything else.  I don't think any decision I've made has had a horribly negative, long-lasting impact.  My kids and I are all healthy, happy, we have clothes to wear, a house to live in, and food on the table.  I hold very little regret for most of my decisions, especially the "big" life-changing ones.  And so long as I can learn from the mistakes I've made, and do my best to make future decisions with those lessons in mind, I guess I really can't expect anything more from myself.