The Harshest Realization

Earlier today, I had a little argument with a good friend. I'll call her Ethel (I don't think I personally know any Ethels and hope not to offend anyone by that name, but it's a pretty good fake name for a story, I think). Ethel and I have been good friends for over 10 years, and we've had a good friendship, but lately it has come to light that we have been perceiving our relationship differently. I have done some things that have upset her, and she has done some things that have upset me, but instead of ever really facing these things and working them out, we just kind of covered up for one another and avoided the conflict. This seemed like a fine thing to do at the time, but now we've come to a point where we have finally begun to face our differences and the things that have upset each of us.

This evening, Ethel and I talked again and it started out a little heated, but we managed to keep our cool and ended up having a really good heart to heart, which we haven't done in quite some time. My issues with Ethel have been a pretty big stressor for me, and very honestly, a big part of the reason that I started this whole AHA journey in the first place. I tend to be a fairly negative-thinking person and my conflict with Ethel has thrown that fact into the limelight. She pointed out to me that one thing she has never understood about me is the fact that I have been very lucky/fortunate in my life and yet I still insist on being jealous of what other people have. And she's absolutely right. I sometimes have a hard time just being genuinely happy for others, especially if I think I want what they have.

When I realized that my relationship with Ethel was in jeopardy, I took a very serious, long, hard look in the mirror and decided that I was kind of tired of being the person I had allowed myself to become. I have heard that some of my friends have been surprised by my overabundance of happiness lately, and I'll admit that I've been trying a little too hard at times to force myself to be happy. I want to avoid at all costs that slippery slope of negativity that's all too easy for me to slide down.

So what does all this have to do with my Moments of AHA, you ask? I have come to the very harsh realization that a relationship of any kind, with any person, requires a lot more effort than I ever thought necessary. You can't just slide through life doing your own thing, thinking everything is peaches and cream. Each of us needs to look at how our actions affect others. I have begun to believe that anyone can make a good relationship with anyone else. Now, I get the whole personality dynamics thing, and there will always be people who - for whatever reason - either don't like you or you don't like them, and there will always be people who you can only take in small doses. But I'm really beginning to understand that each one of us can have a tolerable, decent relationship with any other person, based on how we treat them, and when we notice how our actions affect them.

The conflict with Ethel has been difficult for me, however I believe it is one of the best things that has happened to me because it forced me to really step back from myself and realize how I was treating others. I notice now, many times when I had been selfish or just unappreciative of the good things that Ethel had done for me. In my head, she was still my best friend, and I appreciated her very much. But I wasn't expressing that to her in an adequate way. And, of course, it's a two way street. There were times when she could have handled things differently to let me know how she felt.

Bottom line is, now we both have a better understanding of how the other one feels and we see more clearly some of the things we did that upset the other. Our friendship may or may not be as strong as it once was. Regardless, she has been an incredible part of my life for many years, and I truly appreciate everything about her. She's a wonderful person with a good heart. I hope that as time marches on, she can look back on me and say that I was a good friend.

Every encounter we have has the ability to teach us something and contribute in some small way to a moment of AHA. Be sure to step away every so often from the relationships that you think are solid and perfect to make sure that you are contributing to them in the best way possible. And be sure to express your AHA to the people who may need to hear it the most.