Straightening Out the Emotional Swirl

I have to admit, this week has been difficult. I've had a number of conversations with various people that have made me question why it is I feel how I feel and why I'm doing what I'm doing.

In my previous post, I stated that one of my close friendships was changing. We've grown apart, and just aren't as close friends as we once were. On the one hand, I know that I can still have a friendship with this person, and if we go about things the right way, we could perhaps have a stronger friendship that we have in the past. On the other hand, I feel as if a huge part of my life has been stripped away from me. So, how is it that I can be ok with letting this person go, while still missing them? How is it that I can be happy to see them and sad at the same time? How is it that I can want to be happy for them, and yet I find myself feeling jealous of them? Relationships are so screwy sometimes.

I've been having a hard time keeping up with this blog, mainly because I've had so many mixed emotions swirling around inside me that I'm beginning to find AHA more difficult. I guess I just need to concentrate harder. Last night, I was reading over my notes from the session with Nithya Shanti, and one thing that he suggested we do is to make a gratitude list. List 100 things that we are grateful for. Then add to it every day. I had forgotten that he talked about this, and now that I've read it, it's been in my head. What are 100 things that I am grateful for?

Many of my friends believe that things happen for a reason. Some friends say that God will never give you more than you can handle. In every moment of sadness, there is another moment of joy. I've worked hard to turn my perspective around and not see the challenge I've been facing as a "bad thing" but rather as an opportunity. Lots of opportunities, really. I've become closer with some friends that I sort of lost touch with. I've found a great deal of strength within myself. I've reached out and made new friends. I visited Nithya Shanti. I've forced myself to extend beyond my usual comfort zone. I've cried a lot, but I've also felt immense joy and love.

I realize that this particular post is a bit more... random than others. But everything does tie together. I am learning to deal with all my mixed emotions, and also learning to see the AHA in those emotions. By facing and dealing with these emotions, I'm learning who and what I am extremely grateful for. (Look for a Gratitude List coming soon.) By recognizing what I'm grateful for, I understand that things happen for a reason and I haven't been given more than I can handle. I guess it really does boil down to this: It's all in your perspective.

Dealing with my emotions has always been very difficult for me. For a long, long time, I would shy away from looking my fears in the face. Now that I've found a little more courage within myself, I don't have such a hard time facing what used to scare the bejeesus out of me. In fact, I find myself doing and saying things that seem totally out of my character with ease! And that makes me feel good. Taking apart my life one piece at a time and really examining what I'm grateful for has (and will continue to) completely shift my way of thinking and acting. To change your circumstances, change the way you look at those circumstances. By learning to see situations from the eyes of another person, I've begun to see what I do that could be done differently. None of these things have been very easy for me, but they've all been very good for me!

I'm going to visit with some of my new-found friends again this weekend. And I'm holding great intent that Nithya Shanti will conduct another seminar. I intend to learn a great deal more this weekend, and I look forward to sharing some of it!