Butterfly Angels

I have been attempting to put back together a friendship with someone who, by many accounts, I probably do not need to be friends with in the first place. Not that she's a bad person - she most definitely is not - but we have been on a roller coaster of emotions together since we met last year.

I have been angered and hurt by some of her actions and words, although not purposefully on her part. I've felt betrayal, sadness, disgust, hate and jealousy because of her. Again, however, not by anything that she did specifically to hurt me. She was acting in her best interest, and I ... well, in some cases I overreacted and lashed out toward her. I can't speak for her or to what extent her feelings for me have raged, but I know that she has felt at least a little of the same toward me. Not entirely because of things that I did or said specifically against her, although there were times I could have held my tongue and chosen my actions better. It's been a rocky relationship, and interesting... to say the least.

Despite all these negative feelings, I knew that she would have to be a part of my life in some manner. Our kids go to school together and are friends, we live in a fairly small town, and we have mutual friends. Interaction with her would eventually be inevitable. So, I had a choice. I could treat her like crap, be nasty to her every time we ran into each other, or simply ignore her like she didn't exist. Or, on the other end of the spectrum, I could forgive her for the hurt that she unintentionally caused me, I could forgive myself for allowing myself to get so angry, and I could put the past behind us and attempt to be friends.

My initial reaction was to go the first route. My kids didn't need to play with her kids. I'd run into her now and then, but I could avoid her for the most part. I had already attempted to be her friend, and felt betrayed so why should I try again? I certainly didn't need her as a friend. As I continued to explore myself, my life, my emotions, and how they all tie together and affect others, I realized that if I chose that route, I would be poisoning myself as well as her. How could I expect to live a peaceful, happy life if I held on to that resentment forever? How would I explain to my kids that they couldn't see their friends, without looking like the bad guy? How would I feel if someone else treated me with that much contempt?

I calmed my emotions and convinced myself that the anger I felt toward her wasn't necessarily all warranted. Some, perhaps. Other bits of anger were caused by someone else, and I ended up directing them at her. And some anger was simply a product of my over-active emotions and shouldn't have been a factor at all.

I saw her yesterday, and she had had a very bad day. One of those days when the little things all pile up together and attack you one after the other after the other. We chatted for a few minutes before parting. She sent me a text later, and I ended up calling her to make sure she was feeling ok. We had a very nice conversation. We actually have a lot in common, and if things had been different, we probably could have been good friends right off the bat. And maybe someday we will. We can understand each other's feelings quite well, we're experiencing many of the same things, and we can both learn a lot from one another.

A completely unrelated friend of mine put on Facebook a photo of a butterfly with this saying: "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly." She tagged as many friends as she could, and people started leaving all sorts of comments about how beautiful and appropriate this was, and how many of us at some point change from a chrysalis to a butterfly. Then my friend called those of us she tagged "Butterfly Angels." And I began to think.

A Butterfly Angel has such a simple, beautiful connotation to me and that's how I want to be thought of: Pure, simple, delicate, peaceful. Yet, there is an aspect of strength as well, in order to emerge into a new life. I have been going through all sorts of changes this year. I started out in a cocoon, a chrysalis, and have emerged as a completely different person. My transformation is incomplete as of yet, and will probably never be completely finished. Life makes us change all the time, whether we realize it or not. My choice to treat this person who caused me so much pain is part of that transformation. When the dust has settled, and the emotions have subsided, I want people to know that I did my best to treat others with the respect and love they deserve in times of turmoil. I know that some of my friends think I'm crazy to want a relationship with this person. That I might be better off ignoring her, forgetting that we ever had a relationship, rocky as it was. But in the spirit of a Butterfly Angel, I hope to be able to forgive, embrace, spread my wings and fly with her, with a mutual feeling of Acceptance, Happiness and Appreciation for each other.