They say a habit is formed in 3 weeks. Do something everyday for 3 weeks, and it just becomes part of your routine. I have been writing this blog since May 30, 2010. For the first month I wrote something every day. This blog has become a part of my environment, in the sense that when I do something that makes me feel good I think, "I need to write about this." Unfortunately, when I'm feeling down it's easier to skip writing because I don't want to throw all my negative dirty laundry out for the world to see. However, when I'm feeling down is probably when I need to write the most.
I have been very conflicted lately. Which is ironic, I think, because the holidays are usually a tough time for people and I made it through a potentially very difficult holiday season fairly unscathed. But January, on the other hand... for some reason January has so far proven emotionally draining. Much of my emotional turmoil revolves around... can you guess? Yes, that's right - being alone! A number of relationships that were very dear to me have changed, and not all in a good way. This has caused me quite a deal of stress, which makes the alone factor that much harder. I know what some of you (*ahem*) are saying, and I quote: "You are -NEVER- alone. Call 24/7." And this is indeed true. I have hoards of people who have offered me their ears, shoulders, hugs, hands and anything else I could ask for. And please don't think I am ungrateful for that. The abundance of love I have felt is extremely humbling, and for that I will be eternally grateful. And yet, I still feel as if there's a piece to the puzzle missing. A couple pieces, perhaps. Relationships that I had known for years, suddenly changed and gone and the holes feel huge. Worse yet, I think, is my ability to strongly attach myself to what I want to be true. A hard fall from grace when I come to realize that my wants may not all be met. And thus, the gaping holes.
I have often wondered why it seems like such a task for me to be able to really discover who I am and what makes me happy. This should be easy, right? Everyone, by my age, should have themselves put together and figured out, know what direction their life is going in, what they want to do with themselves, etc. I wonder if I'm that far behind the times. If I have been that naive for so long. I thought I did have it figured out. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life, at least a little. Turns out I wasn't as put together as I had thought.
2010 feels like a starting-over point. Lots changed for me, and I most certainly am not the same person I was when 2009 came to a close. I can only hope that I have learned and will remember many lessons from the past year. I can only believe that where I am is exactly where I am suppose to be, and good things will come of the sitautions that have been presented to me. I have to say it again only to remind myself: I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent person. I am worth the wait.
My son just came downstairs and saw that I had been crying. He put his arms around me and kissed me on the head. My 3 kids are my strength, my rock, my reason for everything. They have helped pick me up and put me together in ways they may never know. They are worth the wait, too.
:) :)
ReplyDeleteCombine S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder - yes, it's a real condition) with post-holiday letdown and you end up with buckets full of tears. But you've proven that you're a strong, resiliant, wonderful person, so you'll make it through this. I'm sure of that.
ReplyDelete"Everyone, by my age, should have themselves put together and figured out, know what direction their life is going in, what they want to do with themselves, etc." I have been reading your blog for a while, and I have admired the way you have put your growing out on your blog for the rest of us to see. Please know that you make a difference.
ReplyDeleteI want to respond to your comment/belief. Our lives change all the time. I knew from a young age I wanted more than anything to be a mother, but that didn't happen till I was 29, by choice. But the other things in my life weren't so clear. I was fortunate to be able to stay home and mom my children, and whoever else needed it (volunteering at schools, church,etc.) until my youngest was 8. But then at 43, I knew I needed something else, and I went back to school for another degree, and became a classroom teacher. In those years, children were born, parents died, and friends changed. And at 55, things still change, children leave home, marriages/friendships/work situations change, friends and family die/move away/move on, interests change. Change is constant. And in response, you will change and grow or not grow as so hap may be. Be gentle with yourself. Life would be immensely dull and safe if change did not occur.
Thank you.
Ditto to that "anonymous," Kate. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up until I was well into my thirties, and even now, at almost 55, I am still looking and listening to the signs and signals to figure it out....There was a wise axiom from the feminist movement of the 70s: "it's the process, not the product." In other words, it's what you make of the journey that's important, not necessarily arriving at the destination. There will always be peaks and valleys in the road that you are walking, toward where you are going. The only thing you need to know about the destination is that it is all about soul evolution; "Know Thyself." And that's exactly what you are doing, rather well, if I may say so.
ReplyDeleteLove,
your cousin