The Need to Be Needed

I was never one of those kids who knew what they wanted to be when they grew up. At least not that I remember. I do remember wanting to be Nadia Comaneci, the Olympic gymnast, when I was young. Besides that, I don't ever remember saying, "I want to be a teacher, or an astronaut" or as my oldest tells me, "a palentologist."

Now that I'm 37 (closing in on 38), I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. I love live radio. The other day I engineered 3 hours of live coverage of Governor Cuomo's State of the State address. Honestly, I can't tell you a thing he said in his speech (or any of the other speeches that took place) but I had a great time being the engineer and making sure that everything worked exactly as it was suppose to. Election night, you may recall, was the best 8 hour stretch I've had in a very long time. I also have a passion for photos and scrapbooks. I love taking and looking at photos of my family, and I really love creating scrapbooks and projects with those photos.

I am, by nature, a shy person (go ahead, laugh...). I enjoy spending time doing the things that I like to do. I also enjoy getting the house cleaned, which is something I can't usually do with 3 kids around. I like having time to myself. Ironically, I also very much enjoy having others as company. Rarely do I willingly enter into a situation where I know I will have to be by myself. My first college roommate was a friend from high school. All the years I went to camp as a kid, I knew at least one other person in my cabin. The first time, I think, when I did something truly by myself was in 1996 when I left New York and moved to Florida. No one expected that out of me. But I did it. I moved for a job, and I can't really say that I regret it. It was a bold decision for me, and I learned a lot while I was there, so I think it was a right decision. I gathered up my confidence to make friends, and had a very nice time living in the panhandle of Florida for 2 years.

As I have grown older and learned things about me and life in general, I have come to realize that perhaps I may never really know what I want to be when I grow up. One thing I do know is that I want to be needed. I enjoy helping others, listening to their problems (although I may not always have good advice, I think I'm a good listener), giving advice when I can, being able to make someone laugh or at least smile, and just being there for someone. On nights when the kids are with their dad, I feel kind of useless. Lonely. Like I'm not needed. Of course, I know this isn't true because as soon as they run out of underwear, I'm suddenly needed... like, yesterday! I think that's part of the reason I don't like to be alone, because there's no one to need me. I would rather enjoy someone's company while doing dishes, folding laundry or just listening to music than do any of that alone. If there's company, I can offer them coffee or dinner. I can entertain them by putting on a movie or Wii game. I can learn about them and share myself by talking and telling stories. I love to be useful to others. That's just another means of AHA for me. So, while I ask that you please don't blatantly take advantage of me, I am happy to be of just about any use to you that I can!