I've never been one to have much to do with confrontation. In fact, I usually run from the very first sign of it and bury my head in the sand. I'm kind of a coward in that way. And after all these years of running away from confrontation as best I can, I've been thinking that in the end I had learned something from said confrontation. But, I've come to realize that I haven't actually learned as much as I had thought. Rather, I have quite a lot to learn about myself, and others, and relationships and confrontation and resolution. (Didn't they ever cover all this in school?)
Last night, I had a very large, very ugly argument with someone I've been good friends with for quite a long time. It hurt to be so angry with them, and part of me was angry as a result of their actions and words, and part of me was angry at me... for being angry with them. When I finally went to bed, I was very sad and very exhausted. When I woke up this morning, despite my best efforts to take on a "It's a new day" kind of attitude, I was still in a bad mood when I got to work. And I had all day to sit at my desk and dwell on the things that were said and the feelings that eroded out of that argument. And it did not make for very happy moments. In fact, I spent most of the morning wanting to hide in a studio and cry. However, as the day went on and I looked at the situation a little differently, I began to understand that I didn't have to dwell on the bad things and let myself continue to be in a bad mood because of something that happened the day before. The argument was gone. But how I chose to handle it in the present was still up in the air. I could continue to be in a bad mood and mope about all the mistakes that I made and things that I said that I shouldn't have. Or I could own up to my stupid actions, sincerely apologize, let myself get over it and hope my friend did the same. So I wrote a letter of apology. Not typed on the computer, but handwritten. I explained exactly what it was that I did that I felt was inappropriate, something I could have done to handle the situation better, and my aspirations for how to handle a difficult situation like that again in the future. I wanted my friend to know that I understood and regretted the actions I chose in the heat of the angry moment. I wanted them to know that my behavior towards them was unacceptable if I wanted to continue a good friendship with them. And I wanted them to know how I plan to change my behavior if/when we are faced with a similar situation.
I think writing that letter lifted a burden off my shoulders, as I felt better the rest of the afternoon and was even in a pretty good mood when I got home. On my way home, I stopped by their house and gave the letter to them. I haven't spoken to them about it, and maybe that's ok. The past is past, and I need to learn to just accept things and move on. You'd think by now I would have learned that, but then I go and open my mouth when I'm angry and say stupid things and start stupid fights. I know that my relationship with this person is not 100% repaired. I hope that if I can just let the past go, learn from my mistakes, and do my best to treat them in the best manner possible, that we will again have a solid, reliable friendship. I also hope that if I do those things, my friend will too. And if they can't let the past go or forgive me for things that I did, then I need to accept that our friendship may not be the same as it was. But I need to continue to treat them the best I can. Because they are a friend, and they are an important part of my life. So much of who we are is built around the friends we keep. But we cannot make choices for other people, and (no matter how hard we may try) we can't truly control what someone else will do. We have to make our own choices, and accept that others make theirs.
Tomorrow is another day, and I will try again to do my best.
Courage.
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